Ahhhhh, breathe

“Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today.”
James Dean

This morning I walked through the hallways, took a trip down to trauma, felt giddy at the prospect that I can eight years later walk through this hospital and be alive. There are no words to explain the high, no substance that could make me feel so elated, no words that capture the feelings of what is going on inside me at this moment. Through all the hurt, the pain, the problems, the mistakes, I have arrived here, the place where it was all given back to me, so in turn I try to give back the compassion, the empathy, the hope that resides here due to the people that dedicate themselves to being here. I am not sure I have ever thanked the people who worked so hard to help me, from my friends, my family, the firemen, the medics, the nurses, the interns, the Drs., and anyone else that contributed to giving me a chance at living. Thank you, you saved my life

“Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so, let us all be thankful.”
Buddha (Hindu Prince Gautama Siddharta)

Mistakes

“Mistakes are almost always of a sacred nature. Never try to correct them. On the contrary: rationalize them, understand them thoroughly. After that, it will be possible for you to sublimate them.”
Salvador Dali

I have made so many mistakes and undertaken the task of examining, dissecting and understanding them to become a better me. At times I find it difficult as I filter through various issues with behaviour and actions that I have taken as a result of these mistakes. In making the decision on letting go of a friendship the issues that I fault her for I have had to deal with, analyze and modify, I believe this is why this decision has proved so difficult for me. I in some ways feel helpless and guilty but when the words came pouring out of me the other evening, I realized that I am the pot calling the kettle black in some ways. It is painful and hard for me to see someone experience and go through some of the same issues and approach them in the ways that I previously used to cope. I think what really hurt me the most is realizing how selfish and self-centered she is, I am afraid that to people outside my brain feel the same way about me. Am I self centered and selfish, only caring about myself? I hope not because that would mean I was really ugly person, thinking I was actually caring and trying to help other people when really all I was doing was trying to help myself. I have entered a place in my life where I like to think that I have recognized my mistakes and that I have learned a great deal about myself and in analyzing these mistakes I have become a better me.

hmmmmm..Is this a mistake......

Yay Santa

Had a lovely Christmas, with my family and friends. I am tired and working now, should have taken off. Made some wise choices regarding an issue I have been dealing with for some time. Feeling pretty good with things lately and the stress and anxiousness of the past few weeks quickly went away by the completion of our Christmas day.

Ahhhh.....

Tra la la Tra lalalala Tra lalalala

I have the Banana Splits theme song stuck in my head...

Here you can listen and then have it stuck in your head all day too!!

http://melaman2.com/cartoons/singles/mp3/banana-splits.mp3

Started my new position today, but seems no one is here to tell me what I am supposed to be doing, nor do I have access to any of my work to get started if I wanted to. Tee hee, so I am working for the most part reorganizing my old office and hanging out.

I am tired, we survived a school project, shopping all, and I mean all day Sat. day, picking up the tree, decorating the tree, cleaning the house, and doing most of my laundry. I am tired and only had four hours of sleep due to the fact I could not delay folding and putting the laundry away, can not stand when the laundry resides in baskets or piles and gathers in places it simply does not belong... Tsk, tsk.

I watched Mary Poppins the other evening, I love Mary Poppins, when I was little I wanted to be all smart and magical, not sure how smart I am but I am still magical and sparkling, well maybe in my universe.

I am extremely upset over the remake of Charlottes Web, which was one of my absolute favorite books in the whole wide world. It makes me sad, but maybe more children will read the book now.

Hurrrmmmppphhhh

Crazy week, grant deadline looming, work not completed and we are down to the wire. Hurry up and just give me the stuff so that I have time to edit it and upload it to the powers that be. That being said, I have one more week until the completed transition into my new position, things are going crazy around here, grrrrr....

I did skate in the mayors parade on Sunday which was a really good time. Here are some pictures:




Trying to get ready for the holidays may even try to decorate a bit this evening and make room for the tree, cards are arriving, packages are being shipped, the world is a lovely place even if it is busy at times...

“Do something wonderful, people may imitate it.”
Albert Schweitzer

Deadlines

So what am I doing posting while I have the huge grant deadline which has been pushed to Tuesday, well I have been enduring headaches, stomach aches and pretty much everything else that comes along with having a grant and paper deadline. Could it be a small grant or an easy paper, NO!!! Why even bother, we should just make it as difficult as possible and have my head explode. It is only 500,000 dollars if I screw up and a rejection letter from the publisher of a top-notch journal. Whew, no pressure there. I also have another abscess in the tooth which has caused some slight swelling in my jaw and a bit of pain, hnnn, could that be a contributing factor in my brain feeling like it should explode, maybe, who knows.....

I believe by posting here it may offer some stress management and alleviate the general anxiety I have been feeling since Monday when I started working on the Biophysics paper and realized the deadline for our internal submission for the grant was actually Tuesday and the grant person would not be in to help me process the said grant.......grrrrrrrr.....

I tried to skate last night but about 1.5 hours into it with the realization that a sandwich is hardly substantial nourishment to make it through the day, let alone three hours of practice, my jaw started to get larger and hurt more, and I just started to feel a bit sick from the antibiotics, I realized skating was not an option or a possibility when all these things popped up. jeez, how did I dance for hours on a cup of coffee and I can not skate even after having lunch, dancing was just as hard and endurance was a huge factor, I guess I am not as young as I was and I realize when I feel crappy now. Kind of sad because practice looked like lots of fun and I really wanted to participate. I guess I will just have to make up for it later!!

back to slave away at the grant, finish the paper and try to fit all the pieces together......

I have

not written much lately, not sure if everything in my head is so unsettled or if I have just been too busy. It could be a combination of both and I am not sure if I really want to commit myself to my thoughts at this moment in time. I am in between, in between my thoughts and actions as I wait for everything. I am in between happiness, joy and excitement while also being in between being varying degrees of sadness and confusion.

I will leave it at I been busy skating, hanging with the bean and trying to occupy my time....

"I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world."
Albert Einstein

Yay!!!

A cold, cloudy Monday that makes me happy that I was bundled up this morning with my scarf, hat and gloves. I love when the air feels crisp and it starts to get cold. It is starting to feel like the holiday season!!! I have a lovely 2 days off for the Thanksgiving holiday and I will be spending it between family and friends. I have finished making all my holiday cards and will start my shopping this weekend!! Yay!!!

I have been offered a new position at the department that I am currently employed, I still can not believe that I was accepted for the position, sure I work hard, I love my current position but I am still a bit surprised! Yay.

I can now work on vacation plans for Spring Break for the bean and I, Woo hoooo!!

Puuurrrrrrrrrr

XXX

handa'dāni bhikkhave āmantayāmi vo, vayadhammā saṅkhārā appamādena sampādethā ti.
Mahaparinibbana Sutta

It leaves an imprint on my soul that has been broken down.

Makes me smile....

“I want to touch the heart of the world and make it smile.”
-Charles De Lint

This morning the world is making me smile, not sure why but it just feels good. The sun is out, work is passing quickly and I feel yummy. I have a bit of joy, here, in me and I plan on sharing it.

I have been working really hard at skating as often as possible, working out, etc. I like it, I needed this and now I am doing it. Hopefully my skating will improve and I am ready for league assessment/team drafts!!

Work is good, I have a new position, it will be fun to learn some new things, makes me happy to think that they picked me out of all the other candidates that had better qualifications and such, I guess they like me. It is nice to be liked.

Still trying to figure out some other things but I suppose everything will work out the way it works out.

Puuurrrrrrrrrrrr.....

XXX

Yawn

Tired this morning, I had weird dreams and did not sleep so well last night or could be that it is rainy and grey outside which does not really make me feel too motivated. Went skating last night and tried to make it around a few times but we went to a rink with dance skaters and they were all over the place, good practice for weaving in between people, locking wheels and being knocked over.

Besides that it is business as usual, working on a grant for the lab and a clinical trial, felling good about a couple of the educational grants that I completed that are being funded and basically trying to delay actually having to work but soon I know the calls will start coming in and it will be another mad, crazy day here in the office, why do I always think I can actually catch up on work when they are out of the office, never happens, silly me.

You can come back
When you want
Just know that I'll be here
I haven't left this step
And when the lights go out
I pick the angel up
I only have two hands

I she here?
Is she here right now?
Drive her off; don't bother to call
I'm checking out today

Me and my charms
Me and my charms
When I kiss the angel
I have a taste of you
When I take the angel
I have a piece of you
I have a piece

You can come back
I haven't left you yet
And when the lights go out
I pick the angel up
I only have two left feet
All I have in my hands
All I have in my hands

Me and my charms
Me and my charms
When I kiss the angel
I have a taste of me and my charms
Me and my charms down on the ground
You can't leave me now
You can't leave me now
I haven't left you yet

All I have in my hands
Me and my charms
Me and my charms
When I kiss the angel
I have a taste of you
When I take the angel
I have a piece of you
I have a piece

Me and My Charms
Kristin Hersh
Hips and Makers

Tralalalalalalalala, some days, the songs are so relevant to my emotions this is an example of where I feel I am today, it will change throughout the day but at this moment, this second, this minute in time, this is where my head is....

Frustration

So you take some anger, some frustration, some guilt, a dash of estrogen and top it all off with OCD and what do you have, a really pissed off me.

I could write a bunch of crap right now but to put it plain and simple I am angry. I say stupid things when I get angry. The remedy for this, fix my bearing and go skate. Skate until I am exhausted then I do not have to worry about it. Tomorrow night I will be really ready to take out some frustration.

I could be petty and say a bunch of things that do not really matter anyway, I could say it all and be finished, have the last word but I just do not feel like it. I would rather skate, get it SKATe. I can skate, skate, skate, skate but who am I fooling, it will not go away, not sure it ever will and then what am I left with a confused, frustrated person that I do not want to be. I will address the issue, work through it and accept it. I will be an adult, use the situation to prove to myself that the last two years or so of therapy have worked and not allow myself to fall apart and go to bits and pieces of Christine, like the puzzle with lost and broken pieces. I am allowed to have an opinion, I am capable of stating my opinion and I am allowed to stand up to a confrontation and state my position without feeling like I have done something wrong by making concise, applicable decision based on things I find relevant to living.


Grrrrrrrrrr....

Geez

Quick recap of the weekend.....

Friday had a lovely gathering with some friends, great food, lovely wine, and wonderful company. After the food and such, Denise and I decided to run out for a bit to a local bar, now I remember why I do not frequent bars and such too often, it was crowded and I am a bit over the "scene" stage of my life. Tee hee, never really fit into the "scene" much anyway so I am not upset by this.

Sat morning, I attempted my first outdoor skate, hills, twigs, rocks, cars and such, it was fun and I really enjoyed Druid Hill Park, the leaves, the weather, the crisp air made it the perfect day! I have a ton to work on but I have already improved quite a bit, just need to work at it. Sat. evening was a Day of the Dead party that was OK, not great as the bean had an argument with one of her friends but it was nice to meet some more parents and have some discussions with other parents regarding the school, and such.

Sunday, we cleaned the house, did the laundry and created a plant cell model that was edible (a cake). It was relaxing but I find that the more I sit around it seems that I get moody and restless. I am thinking that the increase in activity though tiring was needed and that now I require a certain level of activity to maintain an equal balance or it could be that I do not need to think to much about certain things when I am busy, an escapist action, must figure this out.

I am wondering when, when, when and become frustrated when I have no answer no when, where, what or how. I keep trying to make decisions and figure out what, where and when I am doing things but it feels a bit one sided and unfair but then I get upset and it seems like a bit one sided and unfair to me and the bean. Can not really come up with a solution so I think I may take a bit from thinking about it and just continue to have fun and enjoy being a derby girl and being a mom, those are things I can do and I enjoy thinking about.

Puuurrrrrrr

XXX

Ahhhh

Feeling a bit better, not so cranky or anything today, thank goodness because I was really annoyed. I think skating on Wednesday night helped because it wears me out. I have my derby name now, hopefully I will be allowed to change it from what I originally had, the new one suites me well.

This week has not been too bad, I may have a new position which is nice or they may create a new title/position for me within the center, it is good to be liked.

Tonight should be lots of fun, having some people over for dinner and maybe some board games. The bean is off having fun with a friend and preparing her house for a day of the dead party tomorrow evening. Then tomorrow morning outside skate in the chilly morning, some work on the last project of the quarter, and some cleaning. Sunday is another morning skate outside, then project completion, and open skate at the rink Sunday night. Busy but fun!!!

that's it for now....

Puurrrrrr....

Fairytales

It has been a busy weekend...

Had fun at the Bruisers Ball on Friday night...


5 bands, wheel of misfortune, and a bunch of derby girls and other people dressed in fun costumes.

Sat we had some friends over, went to the paper lantern parade in Patterson park, it was really windy but fun!! Then stopped by Starbucks as I had no bean for the evening.

Today we completed three school projects and off to skating. It is feeling very late, I hate time changes, grrrrrrrrrrrr.....

I was watching romantic comedies today and it made me think a bit....maybe I am off looking for some kind of fairytale that does not fit into the real world. This week while mucking around in my brain I started thinking maybe I have such a hard time with reality because it sucks. I hate being an adult when really I just want to have fun and frolic. The fact of the matter is that I have responsibilities and require a certain level of stability in my life now. I never have wanted to settle down and be tied to one place I guess I am afraid that if I leave the things I have worked so hard for that I shall slip back into the unbalanced and out of reality. Lets face it dealing with illness and death on a somewhat frequent basis has a tendency to really make me focus on reality. It is sad and frustrating at times but it is life. I guess I am having problems balancing being an adult and the want to not be a settled, complacent person. I think that is why I like the derby similar to dancing but in a healthier way it allows an escape into a world that is not reality in the sense of being an adult. It is fun and at this time is bringing me great joy and happiness, I think I needed something like this to break the routine of the real world.

I am not sure what kind of fairytale I want, I really want to believe it exists but right now I am finding that difficult......because at one time I felt that I was living the fairytale.

So...

I am now a Charm city Roller Girl, made league last week, still need to practice lots....

I had an interview for a new job at the Cancer Center, should find out next week if I have the position....

I am trying to think of a derby name, must figure that out by Monday....

I am attending the Bruisers Ball tomorrow evening.....

why do I feel so grrrrr, when all these things are good....

grumble, growl, grrrrr.........

La Sigh

Chilly morning, woke up late this morning and now it is off to the grocery to find food so that my bean can forage later. Today is a day of girls and shopping, as will be going to the dreaded mall to winter clothes shop with one of the beans friends that does not have her mom here to help and much prefer I take her than her dad, go figure. Ahhh, to be a teen again.

Later this evening I am supposed to be skating outside with one of the derby girls but I am not sure of the time yet as we are not sure about shopping, I need to also do laundry and I have a couple movies to watch as well.

That weekend went quickly, la sigh.....

Planning on maybe taking Friday off to prepare for Sat. morning try-outs, we shall see...I am uber excited and looking forward to skating this week as I have some pent up frustrations and require a healthy outlet and skating as quickly as possible and such seems like just the remedy!!

Clean Slate

I am like an eraser board, just wiped clean, everytime I think it gets all put together I just get completely washed but I am ready, to be written on. Ohhh, that just sounds a bit naughty, or maybe it is just me. Out one word comes a sentence, then a paragragh, and then a tale, from there a story. I have lots of stories to tell and I am sure people that want to listen to my story, maybe not the person I want to hear but someone nonetheless.

Youth

I remember when I was younger I found inspiration in dancing. I was graced with the pleasure of working with two very inspirational instructors that will provide me a spark for I believe, my whole life. Wendy Robinson, was a beautiful, tall red-headed dancer that had danced with the Royal Ballet and later ended up teaching at Baltimore Ballet. She prepared me for all my exams and always had a bit of Earl Grey tea with lemon and shortbread that she would make for exam days. She never complained about my weight, never offered negative criticism, just enjoyed teaching us and nurturing our enthusiasm and passion. She provided my first professional performance on stage at The Lyric Opera House. I will always see her in my head with a graceful smile and I will always associate her with all the good things associated with dance, and my love for Earl Grey tea. LOL. Sylvester Campbell, he dedicated his life to teaching dance to students that were not afforded the luxury of having money (which dance training requires). He was funny and I loved dancing for him. He had his moments but he was very passionate about his dancing, he was an artist that brought me something that no one else could have ever given me, a sense of accomplishment and beauty in my dancing. I was so fortunate to have these people in my life and see the beauty and passion prior to entering the ugliest of all worlds which years later still haunt my behaviour, habits and body image. I suppose now my inspirations are wrapped up in a combination of things but never have the dreams and inspiration to dance been replaced, I still dance through out my day, in different ways but still it is a dance, every movement executed and every motion followed through.

Beautiful

The leaves are falling
temperature dropping
and I love all the colors I see
right now.

This weekend I will be decorating the house for Halloween. Lights, spiders, orange, red and yellows stuff, I am very excited. Sat I will be helping a friend pack up her house, maybe going to a drive in to see the girls do a demo and watch a movie, then Sunday weather permitting it will be time to try some outside skating with my bouncy wheels. Very exciting, woo hoo!! The Bruiser's Ball is in a couple of weeks, I will be dressing in my Halloween outfit, going to hear 5 bands and party with roller girls, I may even be a derby girl by then (if I ever learn how to actually stay up on my skates). Yay!! Try-outs are the 21st and I am having so much fun.

I feel good, relaxed and comfortable in myself again. I forget to be comfortable in my body, I feel awkward and bulky but right now I feel sore and toned. Yay!! It is funny how much my skewed image plays tricks on me, it is all in my head and sometimes it tries to manipulate me, haha, however it will not work as I am significantly reprogrammed in the behaviour area. So take that!!!!

I am off to watch some Law and Order (Codenamed: Ambien) as I also programmed myself to fall asleep 5 minutes after it has begun.

So off I go....


Tralalalalalalalalalalalalalalala......

Purrrrr

XXX

Relaxing, but totally stressed

This weekend was pretty relaxing on the surface. Friday night had dinner with Reet and Michael and then I babysat, I did not really do much but sleep on the sofa covered in animals until they returned home, the bean was off at her own sleepover for the evening.

Sat. was cold, damp, and dark so once the bean returned from her sleepover we just played games, made this cool spooky gingerbread house and watched movies.


Sunday was grocery shopping, homework, playing some ridiculous game with paddles and a ball that we just could not master, cooking and laundry. Woo hoo.

So while on the surface things seem very calm and domestic, I am having issues. Issues regarding where my employment is going, new job?? new job and new locations??? Trying to decide what I will do if said locations are not where Crstfr wants to move??? What Crstfr is planning on doing and when??? Why the bean is having a slow start this year with school?? Is derby interfering with school???? If I will be able to maintain derby schedule while raising a bean by myself??? How will I be able to manage all this and all that fun stuff???!!!????? Changes are coming just not sure if all aspects of my life will be able to handle the transition.

I am feeling the stress again of being here by myself, I know it sounds horrible but I do not want to move away from my job to work in an area that I have become so fond of, in an area of education as well which seems to be beneficial to me. It would make some things easier and would compromise other things, Damned if I do, damned if I do not, it seems to feel like this past week. Ohhh, well maybe I just need to skate and worry not about later but just focus on the right now so I do not totally tweak.

Puuurrrrrrr

XXX

"Do not anticipate trouble or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight." Benjamin Franklin

"Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished." Lao Tzu

"Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet."
Phaedrus

"In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity."
Albert Einstein

Sitting

I am sitting and reflecting this morning on the state of the world, a few things take the front of the train that comprise my thoughts-
1. The Amish people are really, really forgiving people.
The school killing phenomena is just bizarre, people are upset that it keeps happening they are outraged and scared. The thing is that it has been happening for some time, rural areas just never had to deal with violence the ways cities have and they live in some dreamland that because you live in a nice area with little or no crime that bad things do not happen. Check your local sex crime site and look how many offenders live in your zip code and those are just the ones that have been registered. Bad things happen EVERYWHERE, there are bad people in every community, so while I grumble because of having to purchase a clear backpack or mesh backpack for the bean, that locked doors and having to ring the bell to be admitted into school takes time,complain about the buses taking forever because I will not let the bean go home alone, I now realize the importance of these requirements.

2. The whole Foley thing just pretty much disgusts me, he disgusts me. Can not really say much more about this topic except that as it just makes me angry.

3. This week I was confronted with a situation I have not had to face before at work, it really made me feel helpless and heartbroken. I know that many people do not go out of their way to assist people with their problems and I know that I try to do as much as I can possibly do to try not to be that person especially when dealing with end of life issues, I believe that it is a responsibility to be compassionate and caring when you take when you are employed with services that focus on end of life care. When dealing with end of life care there is a need to allow the patient to have dignity, comfort and care that makes the process much easier for the family and the patient, when these values and goals are not met and handled poorly, it makes me question the compassion, or lack there of, in people as a whole. Makes me sad...

Those a few of the thoughts transversely navigating through my noggin, hmmmm....

Puuurrrrr

XXX

4.

When

.....

Dreaming.....

dream  /drim/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[dream] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation noun, verb, dreamed or dreamt, dream‧ing, adjective

–noun 1. a succession of images, thoughts, or emotions passing through the mind during sleep.
2. the sleeping state in which this occurs.
3. an object seen in a dream.
4. an involuntary vision occurring to a person when awake.
5. a vision voluntarily indulged in while awake; daydream; reverie.
6. an aspiration; goal; aim: A trip to Europe is his dream.
7. a wild or vain fancy.
8. something of an unreal beauty, charm, or excellence.
–verb (used without object) 9. to have a dream.
10. to indulge in daydreams or reveries: He dreamed about vacation plans when he should have been working.
11. to think or conceive of something in a very remote way (usually fol. by of): I wouldn't dream of asking them.
–verb (used with object) 12. to see or imagine in sleep or in a vision.
13. to imagine as if in a dream; fancy; suppose.
14. to pass or spend (time) in dreaming (often fol. by away): to dream away the afternoon.
–adjective 15. most desirable; ideal: a dream vacation.
—Verb phrase16. dream up, to form in the imagination; devise: They dreamed up the most impossible plan.
Compliments of Dictionary.com

I love how one word means so many things, from realistic goals to dreams and things of extreme beauty. I often wonder why some people have stopped dreaming, where those dreams went and why their lives are not intermingled with their dreams. Even through the worst moments of my life I am always finding new dreams and rediscovering old dreams, hopes, aims, figments of my imaginations, sparks that keep me going and lusting after life. I love living, experiencing, dreaming.... How mundane, bleak and dark life would be without these little things called dreams that keep me skipping, dancing, skating, falling, and pushing through the seconds of our lifetime.

Last night as the warm air was blown out by dark stormy skies, I felt a little catch in my breathing that excitement building as the storm unleashed itself, I love that, this afternoon I am daydreaming about that moment. That little catch the racing heart the urge to go running and playing in the storm..

I love being the dreamer....

Puuurrrrrrr

XXX

"Dreaming. -- Either one does not dream at all, or one dreams in an interesting manner. One must learn to be awake in the same fashion: -- either not at all, or in an interesting manner"
Friedrich Nietzsche

Here is what has been going

on....

Sat. was my birthday. I spent the morning and part of the afternoon playing at being a bush at Virgin Fest. Then hanging at the Fest for a bit before going home and having a meal prepared by my mother and beautiful bean!! I then proceeded to open my pressies and amongst many things I received a pair of orange booty shorts that my bean had decided I needed for derby. Tee hee.

I am the bush on the right...


So we decided that Puck needed some more fun in his life and decided to transform him to Pumpkin Puck:

awwww..he loves us.... tee hee


The Sunday off to skate, practice makes perfect. See..

Grrrr......LOL...

Then on Monday night after derby practice my body decided it was going to be horribly ill. It is now Wednesday and I am starting to feel better but no skating for me tonight. Awwwww, sniffle, sniffle...but I did get a card that made me giggle and smile through my groans yesterday!! Thanks Sunshine, you are the bestest!! Wiggle wiggle

Puurrrr

XXX

Been busy

Lots of stuff going on lately, having fun and such though. This past weekend we worked at the Hampden Festival passing out flyers for the derby championship bout. It ended up being a great warm day and we encountered many characters, as Hampden has some of the most interesting people in Baltimore City!!

Roller Girls Booth

Coach Ball Breaker selling her wares


Then off to a BBQ at Reets house, she outdid herself this time and we enjoyed great food, company and lots of fun.


Sunday was mainly taken up with the Championship Bout, the final bout until next season!! It was great, very exciting but I worked so I missed some of the excitement. Then the afterparty, stayed for a short period of time then went home. Very busy weekend.


Some things are happening at work which I am trying to just play the waiting game on:
1. There is a potential I may be asked to move to take a new position in another state.
2. I may get the position in Grants and Contracts I have been working towards.

Either way regardless of what happens I find myself in a transition and change which I think is going to be interesting whichever option presents itself!

Roller Derby league try-outs are in less than two weeks, hopefully I will be able to make it onto the league and maybe a team. I am very excited and having lots of fun with all the derby stuff.

This weekend is my birthday!! Yay!!. I will working the Virgin Festival for Trixie Little and it should be lots of fun!! The Bean and my mom are doing "something" that day but not quite sure exactly what that "something" could be. I shall wait and see.

The bean has been awfully tired lately and not feeling all that great so hence I am a bit anxious and have decided that she needs to go to the Drs for a work-up. I am sure it is not anything but still I am feeling anxious about it, I am successfully not tweaking and handling this all very well. I will feel better when all the results return back to me within the normal limits.

Well that's it everything I have been doing, some of the things that I am thinking about and such.

Puuurrrrrr

XXX

Spinach

Spinach is a main staple in my diet, I eats lots of it but now I am sad because I am not allowed to because of nasty tightly attached bacteria. Grrrrrrr. What will I eat now?

I know I am making Rice Krispy Treats tonight maybe some yummy marshmallows!! Yay!!

I am finished with work but I still must remain for another 40 minutes. *La Sigh*

It is cool, rainy and grey still....

Interesting things are starting to happen around me, I wonder where these things will take me if they take me anywhere at all. Hmmmm....

Puuurrrrrrr

XXX

Blah

Tuesday, feeling a bit burnt already, feeling a bit disgusted, and feeling a bit sad. These past few days impact many people in many ways, I just wish the past few days did not feel so slimy and dirty to me. The sentiment and memories exploited and turned ugly, what is wrong with people? This is not a memorial and I for one find it disgusting, distasteful and sleazy.


Grrrrrr.......

Seems like fall

It is a couple of weeks to the official start of fall but it is coming, I feel it, smell and am experiencing the beginning of the autumn equinox. This is my favorite time of year, the leaves changing, the crispness in the air, the cool winds, pumpkin pie, colorful fall vegetables.....The change. The change is happening on the outside as well as inside me, I am happy, I feel good and I have a spark. I have good friends, some new friends, and a sense of adventure. I have a come to the realization that in the past two years I have changed. The changes are positive, I feel lighter, better and a bit more grounded. I am thinking that the changes I started have developed into my life being more fulfilled. I think these are good things, that the work is starting to pay off, but in doing so I also realize that I must maintain this to see the full effects. I am very happy to have found some people in my life that I enjoy being around, they do not stress me out, they are helpful, fun to be around and do not suck my energy, thank goodness!! I love the fact that some of the people I have surrounded myself with are completely selfless and that they do not even realize they are selfless, that is the best part. They do what they do without even realizing this, that makes them pretty wonderful in my eyes and when pointed out to them they just laugh and say "Don't get all sappy now". I am sappy though, emotional and caring, that is what makes me keep going. I love, I laugh, I cry when happy and when sad. My life has certainly taken on a new awareness and I like it, I will not compromise it and I will be honest about it even if it is sappy. Lately, I find myself telling the people that I care about how important they are to me, in this phase of my life honesty of my feelings and thoughts are what I feel I need to share.
One thing about working with the patients has really opened up my eyes to is that no matter who you are, where you have been, what you have, how much money you have, it does not matter things happen no matter what you do. I am positive there is a reason that I have learned this over the past few years, I had a brief brush with it myself but nothing prepared me for the affects of living with it in real life pretty much five days a week. I feel this was something that I needed to experience to fully understand and learn. So who and I now: no more no less, a mother, lover, friend, partner, force of nature, fresh meat for a roller derby league, a carbon based life form, comfortable in my own skin, and a human being; I am Christine, and I am happy for that finally. It has been a long, tough, heart wrenching battle at times but it has been so worth it.

Puuuurrrrrrrr


XXX

Dog days...

so today is the last day of project dogsitting, whew has it been interesting. The dogs were fine but they like to bark at everything as they are not used to this apartment and hear all kind of new noises, they poo quite a bit and trying to hold an umbrella in the pouring rain, a cup of coffee and two dogs is not a good mix. I had fun though and I actually enjoy taking them out for walks around the neighborhood and running with them a bit. I think they had a good time and the itty bitty one likes to sleep on me which makes for a pissed off Puck. tee hee.

Happiness

So it has been a few day, work has been very busy and school has started for the bean, hence that makes me a very busy person. Things are well, I feel good, I am happy and what else can I say....
I feel ....
I dream.....
I am moving....
I have good friends, new and old....
I have a beautiful child......
I have joy.....
I am blissfully in love...
....................
..........

I dream and have so much to look forward to while finding myself in a place of new growth and life.......



Puuurrrrrrr

XXX

"If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion."
HH the Dalai Lama

I think we dream so we don't have to be apart so long. If we're in each others dreams, we can be together all the time.
Hobbes (of Calvin and Hobbes)

I hate election year

It is election year in the state of Maryland, thus the ugly gets uglier and the dirty ones get dirtier. Blech. I have to say that my disgust with the current administration the total lack of disregard by the current administration and the way the current administration is trying to get re-elected is just silly. I mean really, I am insulted and I think everyone I know that lives, works, and has children in the Baltimore City Public School Systems should be a bit ticked off. My child who has been in Baltimore City Public School System for 8 of her 12 years outscored most Maryland students by a very large margin on her yearly MSA testing plus scored in the 97th percentile in her yearly standardized national testing. I live in the city just so that my daughter can attend school in Baltimore City.

Here are some facts about Baltimore City Public School System:

BaltimoreÂ’s high school graduation rate has improved from 42% ten years ago to 59% in 2005. No comparable big city in America has achieved greater progress in the same period of time in its high schools.

In 2003-4, three of the state’s top ten high schools on the Maryland High School Assessment were Baltimore high schools – City College, Polytechnic and School for the Arts. Western High School was just behind, and 100% of its students were accepted to college last year.

I suppose maybe one of the reasons students do not attend is partly due to transportation issues in Baltimore, with the current administration screwing up an already compromised public transportation program the fact that it takes a child 3 buses and 1.25 hours to go 4.92 miles and of that 1.25 hour only .25 hour is spent on the bus the rest is waiting in the rain, the cold, the heat, the sun, etc. with no benches or cover from the weather.. You might say the child could walk part of the way but due to heavy traffic and lack of sidewalks it is not possible. Then you have the issue of the bus even arriving at the stop.

Then the fact that this was from fox "news", Lololoololololol

Hobbit like

There are certain books that I love to read and when completed the wonder and awe of a writer that can hold me so firmly in the tale no matter how many times I read the story delights me. I just completed The Hobbit for the billionth time, the love I have for this story never seems to fade. It is magic, pure magic and I love the telling of the story....

The part of the tale I am entering now in my life mirrors at times certain parts of The Hobbit, I know it sounds knd of silly but in some ways it is true. I was sitting my hobbit hole under the hill, comfortable and content not realising that adventure was sitting on my doorstep...

Along comes my wizard to pull me out of my comfortable little hole and makes me understand that there is more to life than tea and meals. tee hee. Then the adventure begins, there are dragons and goblins but along the way there are friends and in the end that is what gets you through the bad things and under the mountain where the gold lies. There are no battles with swords but regardless there are battles, even with yourself when trying new tasks and things that make you uncomfortable. So in this adventure, I am finding some good friends, being reaquainted with people , and realising that these are the things I want.

I have a feeling that things are going to move forward and that wonderful adventures are approaching life, with autumn and winter around the corner I believe that things are going to change. I am not afraid of the changes and embrace them as often as possible.

I am focusing on the changes, of myself, the goals I set and the relationships I am forming. It feels good to start friendships on honesty and openess and the people I have been able to do this with are recptive, compassioante and understanding, because I think in their own way they have all lost at one time or another their self and gone insane. I have finally come to terms with who I was and why I will never allow myself to be that person again. I know at times that I may cause hurt and pain to someone but it will never be because I am being decietful or dishonest to myself or those around me. I have been very fortunate to have been able to work on these issues and been able to be where I am now. I do not and will not take that for granted and I believe that is why this adventure has opened itself to me, I am now ready. I am aware that my position at the cancer center has also provided me with more compassion and caring than I ever thought possible but it also brings with the revelation that along with that is hurt, sadness and pain at times. These emotions along with the anger sometimes at how unfair the universe seems to be has made me thoughtful of the relationships I am forming and have formed over the past few years. I understand that some things are totally out of my control and can not be by anyone or anything. So for now my adventure has started and I have identified the goals and hopefully they can be accomplished but I understand that things do not always happen the way you want but maybe working together with people you can figure out a solution when you lose your path and things are not wonderful. I am excited and hopeful that this adventure though it may have some loses will turn out to be part of an epic adventure!!

Puuurrrrrrrrr


XXX

Ummm, life changes

Once again things in my life are changing, for the better I might add, I have a potential new job offer from the same department so everyone keep there fingers crossed as this is a very important position that could potentially lead to some very interesting paths in the future.

Derby is fun!!! I am excited and I am looking forward to learning and playing. Yay!!!

I am very excited for all this new stuff but I am still missing my Merlin and am feeling a bit low today.

School starts for the bean on Monday and she is looking forward to the beginning of school and being able to spend time with her friends. Our life is about to become very hectic again with school, derby practice and such.

Not much of a post but our laptops needed to be sent out for some TLC and I am quickly posting from work. They shall return on Wednesday, thanks guys, we really appreciate all the work and time you put into keeping things running!!!

Off to do some work and such......

XXX

Tired

So tired, I am soooo very tired and I have only worked two days thus far. I have been very busy with visits, school shopping, sleepovers, and things. Thinking quite a bit which is at times dangerous but you know I have to do it sometime....

I feel good, the kind of good that you shrug into and it just seems to fit. Had a lovely time with Crstfr this weekend and I really enjoy having him near, it feels good. Hmmm.... I am sad that he is gone.... but I still feel good ....

I am all achy and sore from the 2 hour skate last night, I love that feeling. I fell down but can jump at least 75% of the time over cones, now if only I could skate everything would be OK, tee hee... I have to say the derby girls are very supportive and helpful, I guess this is what being part of a team is all about!! I of course owe all the skating fun and derby stuff to an amazing friend that has opened her home and family to me and the bean. I am so very happy that we have reconnected because I just think she is a wonderful and caring human bean that has a beautiful family.

Memories

Sometimes when it is quiet and I am in the alone, the memories from a lifetime ago start to creep in and take over. Sometimes they are not quite fully formed but more a feeling of the moment that I put somewhere in there to be pulled and pried from me. Sometimes the drift over me while drifting off into the land of slumber. Do you remember the touch, the taste, the feel of a lover, that moment when it all collided and came together the anticipation and lingering effects of that memory? How do so many lose that memory and place it aside for more practical things? Never forget the memories or the dreams that held them in place, the dreams may change, but to forget where they came from and the memories that hold them is to lose a bit of life. I find that for me the memories are more feelings than actual parts of an event, I suppose that is why they are memorable. I love some, hate others but am happy to have a lifetime now of them, they are mine to share and dish out as I choose. Funny how sometimes mine seems so different than the other people involved, is it because I am scrutinizing them and reclaiming what I thought was lost and gone forever. I feel like my memories at times are just in the corner of my sight, like catching a movement when it is not really there.... or is it?

Hello, old lady.
I know your face well.
I know it well.

She says,
"Ooh-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na!
I'll be sitting in your mirror.
Now is the place where the crossroads meet.
Will you look into the future?

"Never, never say goodbye
To my part of your life.
No, no, no, no, no!
Oh, oh, oh,

"Let me live!"
She said.
"C'mon and let me live, girl!"
She said,
"C'mon and let me live, girl!"
("C'mon and let me live!")

"This moment in time,"
(She said.)
It doesn't belong to you,"
(She said,)
It belongs to me,

"And to your little boy and to your little girl,
And the one hand clapping:
Where on your palm is my little line,
When you're written in mine
As an old memory?
Ooh, na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-

"Never, never say goodbye
To my part of your life.
Oh no, no, no, no, no!
Never, never, never!
Never, never let me go!"

She said,
"C'mon and let me live, girl!'
("C'mon and let me live!")
She said,
"C'mon and let me live, girl!"
("C'mon and let me live!")

I put this
moment..............................................here.
I put this moment.........................here.
I put this moment--

"Over here!
"Over here!
Can't you see where memories are kept bright?
Tripping on the water like a laughing girl.
Time in her eyes is spawning past life,
One with the ocean and the woman unfurled,
Holding all the love that waits for you here.
Catch us now for I am your future.
A kiss on the wind and we'll make the land.
Come over here to where When lingers,
Waiting in this empty world,
Waiting for Then, when the lifespray cools.
For Now does ride in on the curl of the wave,
And you will dance with me in the sunlit pools.
We are of the going water and the gone.
We are of water in the holy land of water
And all that's to come runs in
With the thrust on the strand."
-Jig of Life
-kate Bush

Laughter is a medicine

So this morning while speaking to a co-worker we started discussing how maybe working here has made our "black" sense of humor acceptable; at least in this circle of people. I have always had a little bit of dark humor in me and I think sometimes people just do not get it, so my working here just brings the darkest humor out a bit more often and makes it more appropriate. I think laughter helps me deal with things and it is so much better than crying and making myself so upset, i.e. after a patient expires and the family does not want them flown a great distance and pays the 60 dollars per hour for them to be driven, you say, 'whats the person afraid of flying?". tee hee funny right, ummm I guess not because it did not get a really great response. *Chuckles* we thought it was hilarious. Dealing with issues like death, disease and other uncomfortable things makes the need for laughter and joking necessary, it brings joy and happiness and makes you feel better.

So hahahahahahahahahahahahahahah, take that!!

Puurrr

XXX

Forget the old ways, I have a new one

Well after a few days of valium , lots of crying, some anger, guilt and frustration I am slowly starting to feel normal again. Well normal for me, I choke up sometimes like last night after we received a wonderful card from my Merlins vet with a little present enclosed.

Sometimes things seem just so unfair in the world it really affects me and makes me very sad. The world is a mess, a large amount of people are selfish, mean and greedy and few of the people that actually complain do little or anything to make any changes. When I started the process of changing who I am into the person I want to be, I wanted to lose the anxiety, constant worrying, and some horrible learned behaviours. This week with the overwhelming sense of loss it brought back some of those things and they were very overwhelming, the difference is now I know how to deal with them and when to ask for help. It is hard for people to understand what I live with and the struggle of living in a state like this for most my life until it spirals out of control, I spiral out of control, the toll it takes physically and mentally are unexplainable and I am unable to describe the paranoia, confusion and loss of reality that I encounter once that spiral starts. It has been said to me that people can not change, that is not true, I think the truth is people do not want to work to make the change because it is a long arduous process. It does not go away after 6 therapy sessions, medicine does not fix it, you have to probe every part of who you are and pull it out and figure out the why, how and what triggers the downward spiral as well as deal with your day to day living. This is not easy especially when you are a caregiver and trying to raise a child on your own. The financial strains of being a single parent alone are enough to cause a "normal" functioning person to go a little crazy let alone dealing with the emotional and physical needs of someone else. I had to accept the fact that I am fragile at times, very emotional and easily touched by others and their problems. The interesting thing is because I am easily touched by others and because I am emotional that is what makes me compassionate and that is why small things are magical and brilliant, because I appreciate them. How many people appreciate a smile, a laugh, or a cry, I do but not many people take the time to stop thinking about all the "important" things in their lives to listen to anyone else's story as that would mean it would take their time which is obviously more important than anyone or anything else. I want to say that I have been "cured" or "fixed" but that is not how it works, I have been taught how to behave and I have learned when to ask for help. I have also learned that I have a voice and I can be compassionate and share what I have without expecting anything in return not having to give more than I have. I have given it much thought and had many discussions with the people in my life recently about the changes I am initiating in my relationships and the type of people I want in my life. I have been very fortunate to have some wonderful, caring, and all around decent people to help me on this path even with the bumps and trips along the way. These people that have loved me and cared about me through the years regardless of the deceit at times, the hurt and pain have been my hope and strength during this transition. Thank you for helping me combine the bits and pieces of my tale into a story of that even with despair has so much magic and joy included!!

Sad, sad, sad

Last night I said I love you and goodbye to my Merlin, it was the hardest thing I have ever done but I stayed with him through the process to comfort him and make sure he knew he was not alone. It was the only thing we could do given his illness and with the progression of neurological and clinical symptoms he was showing. I am sad, numb, sick, anxious and a big mess today. Last night was the second night I have slept alone since we adopted him, he was my friend, companion and there for me when no one else could be. He gave me so much and comforted me when I had a need. I loved that little kitten so very much and will miss him greatly. It is hard to explain the loss to people that do not have pets or think of them only as things, he was part of my family. My friends and family have been wonderful through all of this and I want to thank all who have been so supportive, encouraging over the course of his illness and his death. The kindness and concern from all have really helped me through all this and I so greatly appreciate every word, action and thought.

Thank you!!!

Puuurrrrrr

PS: If you would like to donate in Merlins name to help in the research of FIP please donate to one of the following this disease is brutal and fatal:

Guilt

Sometimes the world just brings me down, down, down. Merlin will be gone tomorrow, the patient "God" did not want died on Monday night, and I am just low, low, low. Then I see a bright spots that make me happy, like people doing decent things for people they do not know just because it is well a decent thing. I have been walking around feeling almost guilty about Merlin, I am not sure what I could have done to prevent this, what I could have done to make it easier, I just know that I feel guilty. I look at him and I am pretty sure he knows that there is no more we can do, I think he is ready but then all of a sudden he tries to act normal and for a brief moment I see the fight that is what tears me up. I am not sure but I have this little nagging feeling that there is something I have missed, something we have not tried or just something to make this all a bit more bearable. It is the right decision but it is the hardest. I am sad and weepy and it all seems a bit unfair to my handsome young kitten that was one of the bright spots of my day. It is a bit selfish of me I suppose but he makes me so happy; it does sadden me so much to see the kitten that was so full of life suffering just to be alive. I guess I felt that way about my pop pop also and there was nothing to be done.

Insight

I never danced because it was pretty and , it has taken me this long to remember why I started dancing. I started dancing because I loved it and it was a part of me but the real reason is because it made me feel good to give some of the magic to people. The most remarkable performance I believe I ever did was not in a theater, a studio or a large venue; it was at a senior citizen center. The reason it was so remarkable is because I truly believe that day I was able to give a piece of magic to some people that did not have much left. It felt good, I also realized that the reason I like working at the cancer center is I feel I can help and make things easier for some people. I often think about what the world would be like without the things that drag people down and if everyone just gave a little of whatever magic they held to those around them. Then I wonder how and when so many people lost the idea and concept that they could not do this. It makes me sad. I have found this hope and excitement again in my life it is not that I have accomplished anything outstanding in terms of employment, money or fame but I have been able to touch a few people and make things easier, that is what I think is important and why I like what I can give now. I tried to hard to give things I did not have to give, thinking that this was helping, it was not it was dishonest and harmful. I can now give and not have it be hurtful and harmful and really that is who I have always wanted to be. Sometimes it is hard to see the importance of who are when so many people try to tell what you are and how you should be. The reason I lost joy ad happiness in dancing was because it was not giving to any one at that point, it was just becoming harmful and destructive to me. I have a bit of magic it brings a smile, makes someone laugh, that is important and accomplishment. Value and quality of life are of high worth and from my own experience I feel that I am to share all the magic I have on all the people that need it.

I know a man who is lost, lost his dreams and magic along the way, I hope one day he will dream and remember these things. I think he needs to find and remember his own, sometimes it must be rediscovered or it will never come back. I fear if this does not happen he might end up without ever remembering what happiness, joy, love are. That makes me sad, he hides away wrapped in his anger and bitterness at his life and the world. Occasionally he allows glimpses of compassion but they usually do not last long. Angry, bitter, and alone are not a good way to be.

My final insight for the day is that these are Merlin's last few days with us, his little body is unable to function and I do not want him to suffer. I have done everything possible to make him comfortable but this is no longer working. My kitten is loved and has much magic, the magic to love me, be my companion and help me through when I needed a friend and no one was there. I am very sad but I do not want to be selfish by allowing him to suffer and I knew this would happen. My Merlin is off and on the days I need him he will be in my heart.

Wondering.....

Sometimes I wonder why I am fearful to say outloud the things I think in my brain. I mean if it is out does it make it solid, more real and not just thoughts. Once spoken it can not be "taken back" from whence it came and could be construed as volatile, hurtful or as being jealous in some instances. I am not sure but sometimes I know I feel better by getting them out of my head and somewhere solid, such as here, on this out into the big wide world where maybe someone, someday, will read and know that there is at least one other soul in the universe that feels the same at times. I have been annoyed and I feel like something is off but I can not put a finger on it, is it me? Could it be work, life, the bean, what is it???????????? It is frustrating me and it has made me feel like grrrrrrrrring at all who approach and try to speak. You see when I am in this mood I want to discuss it but you see no one really wants to listen or participate in this discussion with me at the moment. My soul dentist is off dealing with fame and family issues, I have decided not to maintain a friendship with crazy girl, others have their own families and stuff to do, and I just do not know what to do about it. Grrrrrrr

Madness, no not the band

Bush has decided execute his power to veto for the first time on stem cell research, will the madness ever come to an end, will the United States survive another two years of this man????


"There's one kind of research, and that is that which involves the destruction of human life, that he (Bush) does not think is appropriate for the federal government to finance," Snow told reporters. "He's been absolutely clear about it. There is no shading in it."



I also might point out that war involves destruction of human lives and that has not stopped him. Nevertheless his "War on Terror" will never potentially save millions of lives. I just want to cry at how horrible things have become from all across the board from horrible Medicare Plan D to No Child Left Behind to the War on Terror and now this!!!!

All kind of things

Sometimes I have all kind of things going on in my head, right now I feel a bit conflicted and grumpy which has carried over from yesterday. I am trying to sort it ll out. Sometimes I feel so much and so deep, it is true I am a creature that has many emotional reflections and they at times seem to rule me. I feel very passionate right now about some things going on in my life and I wonder if I have acurately conveyed thi9s passion and excitement to others. I mean I feel a rush when speaking of certain things and when talking sometimes it feels as though people on the other end do not quite understand this, I am met with silence at times. Could it be that they can not relate, how sad would it be to live in a world without strong feelings. I know it is horrible as I medicated myself and was devoid of any feelings for 6 months, it to me was the worst thing ever, now I will admit that ups and downs do occur but to be even all the time is not who I am and I will never be that person. I am not "safe" and "secure", in some ways I have become those things as far as financial responsibility and things of those nature. I am full of love, life, passion, sparks and lust, I want sunshine, thunderstorms, fun and excitement those things are what make me happy. I feel very shut out of some of my relationships, very uninvolved and when examining my relationships I realize this must change, but am unsure how to move forward with this change. I think communication is the answer but it is hard to communicate with people who are not willing to participate. I want to share so much of who I am that I guess to others maybe it is overwhelming at times. I am sure given time this will resolve itself as I find a balance and better ways to communicate my desires and what I want from my life.

Bruised up

So I am all bruised up, went skating last night and only fell down the way I was supposed and still looks like someone took a bat across the inside of my knees. It is not very painful, not like the tailbone was,which is getting better!!! Skating is improving, I am gaining a bit more control, better speed and getting the general feel for it. I am very excited though as maybe I will be ready by the end of the summer. I think I am really going to enjoy this derby stuff!! Yay!!!


Bout on Sunday so I will not be skating, the bean is leaving for a couple of days to visit one of her friends so maybe I will skate on Thursday night!

Going to a lingerie show by one of the derby ladies, she is quite a talented designer from what I hear and I love fancy pants.

Puuuurrrrrrrr

XXX

Changes

It's funny after two years of behaviour modification I have started to decide what relationships I have in my life, what those relationships mean to me and if I should continue said relationships. I have decided that most of the relationships that I have, have made, or recovered will stay as they are important to me and from these relationships there is a balance. There is one relationship that I will not continue and though I am a bit conflicted about this I realize the person that it involves is manipulative, selfish and dishonest person. The interesting thing is a few years ago many would have said the same thing maybe about me. It is hard to sever this relationship because maybe I see so much of where I was in this person that I want to help this person overcome the obstacles and challenges which may cause major upheaval and unnecessary sadness the difference I think is that I never wanted to be that person and I am not selfish, I always want other people to have even if I do not, this causes big problems. I have decided that I am unable to help this person and that in order to get help you have to realize that something is "wrong" with you and that it is not everyone else. The hardest part I think of modification is the reteaching of you and your habits and learned behaviours, they did not just happen they have been there for as long as I can remember now, they are coping mechanisms and ways to hide from truths that you may not be equipped to deal with. I have been craving these changes for years and never knew how to manage the unlearnt of said behaviors. Back to the point of this post, things are changing, I have changed, for the better I might add, I am working hard and have worked hard to get to this point and I like the people I associate with and work with, they are smart, real, funny and compassionate people. They may disagree with me regarding certain things but they always respect who I am, the decisions I make and how I handle problems. The world of academia and healthcare agrees with me because I feel I can give without losing myself, I have learned that compassion, caring and a bit of humor mean more to most people than anything money could ever buy. It may not pay the bills but it eases my mind, soul and has helped me recover a bit of me I thought I would never have again, it was there briefly after the accident but then went away to hid in the deep recesses of my mind. I find it interesting how my general life has changed with the modifications I have put into place and how certain people have returned back into my life. People I care about and want to remain in my life with the exception of one who wandered in between, in between the implosion, the complete collapse and now that I am restructuring really has no place at all in what my life is becoming and will become. I have no room in my life to be surrounded by the part of the person I once was, it frankly terrifies me on some level. Grrrrrr, plus I do not want to be made to feel bad and feel manipulated and deceived, to much stress and just things I have no time for!!!!

Puuurrrrrrr

Broken Tale/Tail

The heat, the rain, the sick Merlin, and my broken butt!!! Wooohooooooo. What a week. I am sorry to say that poor Merlin is still not doing well even after the thoracentesis and I fear that tale in my life is slowly creeping to an ending... sniffle, sniffle but we continue to give him tons of love as much food as he will eat and lots of faery wishes. I have been skating, I have been falling on purpose many times hence the nice purple bruise on my knee but alas I made the skater tot mistake of falling on my tailbone which protudes. there is talk that I may have had an actual tail when birthed but that is just a rumor... onto my tailbone, do not ever fall on this part of your body it kinda hurts. I will be skating again on Sunday so it must be getting better I will make sure I fall forward from now on!!!! Not sure what is going on except I have been working very hard writing and submitting abstracts, grants and manuscripts...I like it tons though so it is much better than people dying. It has slowed as far as expirations, yay!!!! It was making me a bit off. Hmmmm....I am working on my tale but it comes in bits and pieces one day it will be one longggggggggggggg bit of work but for know it is random bits here and there being written on little slips of papers and drifting across my mind. See here is a random thought, I really am having fun and aspire to be a really decent....... insert abo0ut 15 different things there. Goals!!! LOL

Puurrrr

Sparkle and Shine

I found myself out for a walk this morning and was struck by the lack of folks out and about, walking along I found myself listening to the birds and the hum of air conditioners working. I guess what struck me the most is how lonely things have become in communities. Growing up we as kids ran around from morning until dark, parents outside actually talking to neighbors and knowing them by name, in deciding where to live I want to find a community, one that brings back some of the joys and happiness of years gone by. I was thinking about how the world has changed from the time I was young (which was not long ago), I do not send my child out to play with her friends as most of them live outside of our neighborhood and no longer do I really know my neighbors and communicate with them often except to say hello. I find this somewhat sad and have decided that I will create this sense of fun and joy to bring back what has been lost from my carefree innocence. I suppose as a country we have smaller families, less sense of family and friends as everyone is so worried about schools, work and what they have. No more interaction when you can sit alone in your house talking to people half a world away, no interaction with the actual carbon based life forms surrounding you, sad. I love interacting with people and at times I encounter some pretty crappy people but sometimes I see a smile and sunshine so strongly from just one person it reminds me there is hope and life among me. I love that when I encounter a person I know will make me smile and bring something to the world without asking for anything in return. These people sparkle and shine and I am happy just to encounter them and be around them hopefully offering some sparkle and shine of my own to others as well. I will send some sparkle and shine out to all I know and hopefully it will help when someone needs it.

Puuurrrrrr

XXX

Underwater to escape organizing chaos

Since the summer has decided to heat up we have decided that swimming is a good idea. We try to go often not all day but at least an hour or so here and there. It has been so warm I have actually found the pool temperature acceptable. I have been swimming, I have always loved to swim, underwater is a favorite place of mine, it gets rid of all the noise and dust. Clean crisp vision and muted sounds are how I like things sometimes.

Work has been a bit more depressing than normal as we are in the "bad" time of the year so things have been a bit stressful as of late. During these periods it gets me thinking about all kinds of life/death issues which takes a bit of energy trying to figure it all out. I have some theories about death from my own experiences but it does not make it easier when you are confronted on a daily basis with these issues.

Next on the list of things to do is to figure out where I might want to live and the reasons of said move and the logistics. I have various reasons for living in various places and it is time to pull out the comparison chart and look at the options realistically. Things such as schools for the beans, salaries, employment, cost of living and insurance costs all seem to be mitigating factors in this decision process (when did I become an adult). It is swirling in my brain along with the other 8 or 9 things that I am working on right now (*cough* OCD *cough*) I will write all of this down sometime over the next day or so and start making a cross comparison chart with pros and cons which hopefully will make things a bit more clearer. Sometimes I get tired of being the adult, I just want to skip, jump, laugh and spin around at times, have some fun and play!!!

"Chaos is the score upon which reality is written."
Henry Miller

Needy

Today I was pulled in all directions from funeral homes, patients, relatives of patients, awww you get the point. We are in the bad strech at work again, patients are doing poorly and along with it comes all the extra work. I made the decision to work during lunch so one of our patients can fly to Florida to swim with the dolphins, I started to complain about it and then realized it was my choice but I truly believe that her swimming with dolphins was much more important. I also ran into one of my favorite patients and was so happy with some tests results she had done that showed a partial response to her therapy. Yay!!! I almost cried because she is doing so well. As usual I amazed at the strength and how well some people deal with their disease. I find it was a good day even if it was busy and I at times need to remind myself that if some of the patients and their family members seem anxious and stressed it is because it is hard to see a person you love and care about waste away from disease and I should facilitate helping them in any way that I can. Too tired to type more...

puuurrrrrr

XXX

(Chorus)
Where do bad folks go when they die?
They don't go to heaven where the angels fly
go to the lake of fire and fry
see them again 'till the fourth of July

I knew a lady who came from Duluth
bitten by a dog with a rabid tooth
She went to her grave just a little too soon
flew away howling on the yellow moon

(Chorus)
Where do bad folks go when they die?
They don't go to heaven where the angels fly
go to the lake of fire and fry
see them again 'till the fourth of July

people crying people moan
look for a dry place to call their home
try to find some place to rest their bones
While the angels and the devils try to make them their own

(Chorus)
Where do bad folks go when they die?
They don't go to heaven where the angels fly
go to the lake of fire and fry
see them again 'till the fourth of July
Lake of Fire
Originally by The Meat Puppets
Nirvana

Some days are harder than others

I want to believe the world is a decent place because there are some decent people that live in it. I want to believe that people follow through on things that they want to accomplish. I believe in something that most people have lost along the way. I will admit that at times I have strayed from the path been pushed back to follow one that at the time does not seem so easy but through it all I have remained a "dreamer". I love life and some days even though the day is a tough lesson I am reminded that the things I hold dear are really worth working for, for me. I find though that my tolerance for narrow minded, self centered, egotistical people is very, very small. I can not stand people that think that they are better than others and feel they must berate others based on little knowledge, using large words to try to cover the fact that they have no clue to what they are speaking or writing. It is wrong and rude but unfortunately it is something that one encounters, I am unsure of how to deal with it because arguing or debating with a person that feels superior will never listen and remain closed off from anything you can offer them. I am always learning and wondering and feel that even though I do not understand at times, I suppose whatever gets you through the day is great, might not be my way, may not be something I choose to do but if it helps the person then maybe it is the right way for them. I stay open because I believe that things are constantly changing and along with that so are people, that is my mistake I think, many people do not like change, they do not experience the thrill and excitement that brings change. It might suck at times but there is still that little bit that is good with the change and then there are the changes that make you flutter and brings a warm tingling feeling through out your being. I love that, a touch, maybe a word from the right person makes me feel the air around me and take me right there. Ooops, sorry, got a bit lost in the visualization of that for a moment, back to hard days. I wonder why someone would want to make someone else feel bad for liking something that they do not like or understand? It makes me sad that people are so unwilling to bend and when confronted by someone that asks them why, they hide behind being an insulting a**. I hope that I am never that person and when confronted with something I have little knowledge of, I open my mind to allow another perspective to be introduced. Ahhh, well some days are just harder than others.

Puuurrrrrrrr

XXX

My Merlin

Is home!!! He spent a night at the animal hospital, had another thoracentesis done with 2470 cc's pulled this time. Tonight is his follow-up visit but he seems a bit more energetic and very hungry!! Yay, I am so relieved and happy for now and I can breath for the first time in weeks. Funny how such a little tiny grey and white kitten can bring me so much happiness and joy. It is the simple things in life I suppose. The bean is very happy with how this has turned out.

Work has been crazy, entering out "bad" time of the year when everyone is doing poorly and the whole office becomes cranky and kind of disappointed that things are going as well as hoped.

Roller skating was not done this past weekend as the rink was closed for Fathers Day but we shall be skating again on Sunday evening this week and I should be getting my pads and helmet for Wednesday night practices too!!! Yay!!! Roller Derby here I come.

Other news well I am now not as crazy as I thought I was and have been able to relax on my appointments not sure if this means I am doing better or just annoying my psychiatrist, tee hee. I think it means that I am doing well and that the modification is working and hopefully successful!! Somehow it makes me feel like "A Clockwork Orange" at times without the eye holder openers and such. Feeling pretty good and it is summertime which makes it seem so wonderful and warm and sunny. Yay!!!

Puuurrrrrr

XXX

Days

It has been days but everytime I stop to sit down and blog, I can not focus on forming my thoughts into coherent patterns that are easily conveyed through this medium. I suppose with all bad things, good things will happen to make it seem less, well bad. This weekend has been spent spoiling my Merlin as much as possible though he is withdrawing more and sleeping more that is to be expected. I fear he will not be returning home with us on Monday, I could be wrong as hope creeps into the firm resolve I have set in my mind that this is the end of his existence with us. Puuuurrrrrrr, I love my kitten and will make a decision on what is best for him. I find it hard to hold another creatures life in my hands and to be able to make that decision, I am not entirely comfortable with it but realize that suffering and pain are not things I would want to continue if it was my life.One thing I do know is that animals do not have fear when it comes to death, unlike most humans, they know when it is time to let go and realize when it is futile to fight for survival any longer. All of this comes on a week when two fighters at work have finally decided to let the process start for them. It makes me a bit sad as hope is always sprouting up into me but I realize it is time for them to accept their decline and prepare for the next step. They fought hard to survive and beat their disease but in the end no matter what their mind thinks their bodies ultimately rules on this one. I hope they face this without any fear and realize that it is not so hard. I find myself in a similar situation as last summer, work and home are tough right now but at the end of the day I can still smile through my tears because I know that this is life and death is part of living.

Chaos and such

"Chaos often breeds life, when order breeds habit."
– Henry Adams

Chaos embodies 3 very importantprincipless:
-extreme sensitivity to initial conditions
-cause and effect are NOT proportional
-nonlinearity

Hmmmm-

Apoptosis

Today 10 billion of my cells died to balance the 10 billion produced in mitosis (hopefully) because my cells are programmed to die. Every human has this happen (hopefully) on a daily basis but when programmed cell death does not occur there are problems, big problems.

Today, I have come to the realization that my kitten will die soon. It saddens me beyond belief but his cells have mutated with FIP, cells are not following their proper apoptosis. Bodies have a delicate balance consisting of cell programming and genetic coding so that when the codes go wrong the programming does not function correctly. I suppose I should be happy that he has survived and been stable for almost 11 months when we were told that usually effusive FIP is fatal in a short period of time, weeks at best. I should feel good that he is loved and I did everything possible to make the inevitable a bit easier on him. I should be accepting of the fact that he is starting to show signs of decline and that the most humane thing is for him to be euthanized before progressing to the point of expiration. I should but I am not because I am selfish because I can not imagine coming home and not seeing my Merlin, going to bed without my Merlin, and day to day without my Merlin. I know enough to know that I will do what I must to make sure he is taken care of but really apoptosis when it goes wrong stinks, when programming and coding do not mesh and the cells turn against the whole way it is supposed to work it is horrible. Now I know there are larger problems in the world then my little kitten who is very young but it does not make it any easier to be the one to make the decision of when he should die. I know he has no fear like most people and I have no fear for him but I will miss him...Selfish Puck will miss him and the bean will surely miss him. Kind of stinks that she has had to deal with so much death over the past year or so but she understands as much as anyone can.

I wish I had never even heard the word apoptosis but it seems to play such a large role in my everyday life ....

Whirlwind

I have been ill but I have been busier than ever. Thursday was my beans field trip to DC to the Natural Museum of History it was OK but the girls I had in my group just wanted to keep wandering away from me, wish we had been able to stay for more than 2 hours but we will return over the summer so we can enjoy without trying to answer three pages of questions. Friday the bean received her report card, I am pleased to say she achieved her promotion and made honor roll. She has worked so hard this year and is very excited to start 7th grade in the fall. I am so gosh darn proud of my bean. I went to the Drs to make sure I was OK, was given some drugs, left work early and then got stuck in a downpour which caused me to get soaked. Grrrrr. Yesterday I did the normal household chores and then left for Relay for Life. Relay for Life is an all night event to support the American Cancer Society. It was cold, I walked over ten miles, and I did not sleep. We returned home at 6:30 am and I slept for about 4 hours, now it is off to do the shopping and then to the Charm City Roller Derby bout which I also volunteered to work at and so I can shoot some video and such. Yay!! Hopefully I will be better in a few days, luckily my Dr. is out tomorrow so I can lock my door and sleep!! Yay for my own office and door locks!!!!!!!!!!

Puuurrrrrr

XXX

Oh my goodness

I forgot today is 06/06/2006 which many people think of as 666 the sign of the beast (technically if you believe in the New Testament of the bible it is 616); shah don't tell though because it is more fun to. All I have to say is Bwwwahahahahahahahahahaha, Bwhaahahahahaahjahah. People are so weird and funny.

Missing my Downy Ball

I am a bit upset as someone in my building went into my washing laundry, turned it off and removed my Downy ball from the washer. The said person then proceeded to steal my Downy ball and laundry basket from the laundry room. I think I may know who it was but when I knocked on the persons door, the would not answer. Now I am getting annoyed. I was going to be nice and make it seem like maybe they had removed the stuff from the laundry room in an attempt to be "helping" me but now two days later my stuff has still not been returned to me. Everyone that knows me knows how crucial the Downy ball is to my life. I can not imagine the laundry even being washed without Downy in the rinse cycle. Now I will have to go buy a new Downy ball to replace the stolen one. The fact that someone reached into my washing laundry and removed it really bothers me, I mean blech it was wet dirty laundry not even rinsed, which brings me to another point, the person reset the machine and I then had to rewash everything and it weighed about 20 lbs as I removed it and moved it to another floor. I will no longer be washing laundry on my floor as the suspect lives there and now has creeped me out. Why, why would anyone steal a Downy ball, strange things are afoot. I wonder if he also "removed" my front door mat as that went missing a few months ago but everyone elses remained intact. hmmmm.........................

Ohhh, neat-o

I have decided that over the next three months if I go to New York for no other reason that this is why I would go: http://www.bodiestheexhibition.com/bodies.html
This is the coolest exhibit, the bean would love it (and me too)!!

Things have been busy, busy, busy. Went out to a friends house on Sat where I had dinner with ioan gun and hr rufnstuf. Got to meet her daughter and helped her organize some of her books and such. Very nice and relaxing.

Sunday, helped install a ceiling fan in my dining room, went back over to play at iona's and then went skating in an attempt to learn how to do crossovers. The bean has now stopped holding onto the wall and is skating with only one spill last night. She had a very long day yesterday and was very grumpy, grumpy, grumpy this morning.

Next weekend is going to be busy and lots of fun. Relay for Life all night Sat. Then being the merchandise girl at Sunday's Roller Derby Bout!! Yay!! Fun and exciting stuff. Tiring too, but it just makes me remember that there is a world outside of my apartment and summertime is just about here for us!! Yay!! I feel like I have been hibernating, hiding away from the world and have been forgetting to live. I think maybe I needed some downtime but I am now prepared to fully live again through my actions and initiate the necessary changes to accomplish this task. Hopefully everything will move the way that I would like but if it alters or changes, I am positive that I am capable of adapting and changing with it instead of struggling against it.

Anais Nin
"The personal life deeply lived always expands into truths beyond itself."

Anais Nin
"Dreams pass into the reality of action. From the actions stems the dream again; and this interdependence produces the highest form of living."

Anais Nin:
"Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death."

I found this interesting

http://www.venganza.org/index.htm I have read about this before and find it quite entertaining. The whole evolution and ID debate just annoys me. In my opinion it is a waste of time and money to debate this issue in public schools and during school board meetings. I feel if you want your child to have a religious education, you should (1) send them to a private school that teaches the religion you would like (2) homeschool (3) have your child attend religion education classes (4) or teach these ideas at home. I think everyone has a right to their beliefs, I do not think ID should be taught at all in a science class. Just my opinion and I think the site does bring up a valid point that if ID is allowed to be taught at public schools then other alternatives such as Pricipia Discordia, http://www.principiadiscordia.com/, scientology, http://www.scientology.org/, you get the point. Could you imagine how many different things would have to be taught to address the needs and beliefs of everyone? There would be no time to teach the children any actual science they would be so mired down in trying to learn alternative theories to evolution that they would have to just get rid of science all together. Well since we have discontinued many of the art programs, thanks to No Child Left Behind (Thanks so much for that crap) why not science too!!

Off to do some work.....maybe

Puurrr

XXX

Good feelings

Good feelings, yay!!

I finished of the research protocol which has consumed most of my work days today and I feel so happy to have sent it off to the pharmaceutical company!! 21 sections later, whew. I worked really hard on it and hope that not too many modifications need to be made.

Finished compiling all the ASCO stuff so that it was all neat and tidy and on it's way to Atlanta, actually it arrived this afternoon. Yay!!!

I wore my sneakers all day with my skirt and it looked somewhat dorky but I felt wonderful.

Preparing for skating on Sunday,

Thunderstorms, loud, sharp thunder with lightning that makes your hair stand up.

Hopefully tomorrow will be nice and quiet and people that piss me off will not bother me, not like the good, nice, considerate people that I work with. I will have to lock my office door and be selective when answering.

Next weekend is going to be busy as Relay for Life is Sat. evening until Sunday morning and then skating again on Sunday night, ohhh actually there is a bout that evening so maybe we will check that out instead.

Mmmmmmm and you know what I mean, mmmmmmmhmmmmmmmmmmm


Puuurrrrrr


XXX

Insignificance

insignificant

adj 1: not large enough to consider or notice [syn: trivial] 2: not worthy of notice [syn: undistinguished] 3: signifying nothing; "insignificant sounds"; "his response...is picayune and unmeaning"- R.B. Pearsall [syn: unmeaning] 4: of little importance or influence or power; of minor status; "a minor, insignificant bureaucrat"; "peanut politicians" [syn: peanut] 5: not important or noteworthy [syn: unimportant]
Worldnet v. 2.0, 2003

It is obvious I am insignificant to some, does this bother me, I suppose but whatever I will survive.

Anyway onto good news I think I may have a name and number for roller derby!!! Yay!! We just need to check the database and make sure it has not been used by anyone else!! Thanks Ruben for the words. That's about it from insignificant me!!!


Puuurrrrrr

XXX

Day One

Tee hee Day 1 of skating and trying to get used to be on 8 wheels. I fell down, now everybody falls down, I fell down three times in 2.5 hours. Skating is fun, I need lots of work but it will happen eventually. LOL. Had a great time with my friend, her lovely husband (who the bean and her friend think is the bestest guy because he has all sorts of anime toys and such) and rolling around the rink. I am not as sore as I thought I would be but next time I just need to maybe skate a bit faster and learn how to crossover in the turns, that is if I can not fall down. All in all I am so happy that my friend found me and that I actually enjoy having intelligent conversations with people that is not about cancer!! Yippeee!!! LOL. Now back to figuring out how to actually apply physics to skating, then I will do what I do everyday, plan to take over the world, bwaaahhhhhaaahhhha, ummm actually I will go clean the house. Puuurrrrr

XXX

I am emotion

So after careful consideration I have decided that I will just let everything be as it should be. I mean the hard part is being so far away from the person that you care about. Sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed and frustrated that is it difficult to wrap my thoughts around anything other than that moment. I find this annoying more than everything else and when I finally calm down realize that I should not say anything until I have fully thought it out. I just want a reaction at times, not eveness, if I wanted that I would have stayed on the awful meds I tried last year. It was awful, the eveness, it was not high, not low just steady and even. I had no imagination, no happiness, nothing just even thoughts. Horrible, I like to think of myself as a passionate person, full of feelings, at times I think it makes me very vunerable. I think it is OK to be vunerable because without it I could love as passionately as I do. Does it cause problems, sure because it causes me to be very emotional but isn't that what makes me who I am. Full of energy, love, sadness, hope, desire; you know feelings, that is why I am who I am. I am a force of nature; with all that it entails.

Gone

Just last night
I was reminded of
just how bad
it had gotten and
just how sick
I had become
but it could change
with this relationship
de-de range
we've all been thru some shit
and if were a thing
I think this things begun
tell me now
what do I have to do
to prove my love to you
special favors come in 31 flavors
were out of mints
pass the life savers
I'm droppin hints
candy for candy-coated tongue
you'd be so good
so very good for me
what do you think
tell me honestly
I'm wait wait wait
w-wait wait
waiting for you to come
tell me now
what do I have to do
to prove my love to you
I'd do anything
I'd do it all
I'd do it all for you
I'd climb a mountain
i'd cross the ocean
I'd do it it all
to prove my love to you

Violent Femmes
Prove My Love

Dull

Well the bean is home and all is good in the house again. Yay!!! Love the bean being safe and sound tucked into her bed.

I wonder if I am dull, it seems at time that what I am saying does not matter, that I am talking it does not matter. Does that mean I am not exciting and intriguing? I think I am very exciting and fun too, so that could not be it. Granted right now I have a cold and my head is all clogged up and my nose all kersniffly but I am still a great person to converse with. Ohh well I guess I am just not as interesting, exciting and fun as others. Ohh, well, maybe I am dull, nope note me I am a force of nature.....