I hate election year

It is election year in the state of Maryland, thus the ugly gets uglier and the dirty ones get dirtier. Blech. I have to say that my disgust with the current administration the total lack of disregard by the current administration and the way the current administration is trying to get re-elected is just silly. I mean really, I am insulted and I think everyone I know that lives, works, and has children in the Baltimore City Public School Systems should be a bit ticked off. My child who has been in Baltimore City Public School System for 8 of her 12 years outscored most Maryland students by a very large margin on her yearly MSA testing plus scored in the 97th percentile in her yearly standardized national testing. I live in the city just so that my daughter can attend school in Baltimore City.

Here are some facts about Baltimore City Public School System:

BaltimoreÂ’s high school graduation rate has improved from 42% ten years ago to 59% in 2005. No comparable big city in America has achieved greater progress in the same period of time in its high schools.

In 2003-4, three of the state’s top ten high schools on the Maryland High School Assessment were Baltimore high schools – City College, Polytechnic and School for the Arts. Western High School was just behind, and 100% of its students were accepted to college last year.

I suppose maybe one of the reasons students do not attend is partly due to transportation issues in Baltimore, with the current administration screwing up an already compromised public transportation program the fact that it takes a child 3 buses and 1.25 hours to go 4.92 miles and of that 1.25 hour only .25 hour is spent on the bus the rest is waiting in the rain, the cold, the heat, the sun, etc. with no benches or cover from the weather.. You might say the child could walk part of the way but due to heavy traffic and lack of sidewalks it is not possible. Then you have the issue of the bus even arriving at the stop.

Then the fact that this was from fox "news", Lololoololololol

Hobbit like

There are certain books that I love to read and when completed the wonder and awe of a writer that can hold me so firmly in the tale no matter how many times I read the story delights me. I just completed The Hobbit for the billionth time, the love I have for this story never seems to fade. It is magic, pure magic and I love the telling of the story....

The part of the tale I am entering now in my life mirrors at times certain parts of The Hobbit, I know it sounds knd of silly but in some ways it is true. I was sitting my hobbit hole under the hill, comfortable and content not realising that adventure was sitting on my doorstep...

Along comes my wizard to pull me out of my comfortable little hole and makes me understand that there is more to life than tea and meals. tee hee. Then the adventure begins, there are dragons and goblins but along the way there are friends and in the end that is what gets you through the bad things and under the mountain where the gold lies. There are no battles with swords but regardless there are battles, even with yourself when trying new tasks and things that make you uncomfortable. So in this adventure, I am finding some good friends, being reaquainted with people , and realising that these are the things I want.

I have a feeling that things are going to move forward and that wonderful adventures are approaching life, with autumn and winter around the corner I believe that things are going to change. I am not afraid of the changes and embrace them as often as possible.

I am focusing on the changes, of myself, the goals I set and the relationships I am forming. It feels good to start friendships on honesty and openess and the people I have been able to do this with are recptive, compassioante and understanding, because I think in their own way they have all lost at one time or another their self and gone insane. I have finally come to terms with who I was and why I will never allow myself to be that person again. I know at times that I may cause hurt and pain to someone but it will never be because I am being decietful or dishonest to myself or those around me. I have been very fortunate to have been able to work on these issues and been able to be where I am now. I do not and will not take that for granted and I believe that is why this adventure has opened itself to me, I am now ready. I am aware that my position at the cancer center has also provided me with more compassion and caring than I ever thought possible but it also brings with the revelation that along with that is hurt, sadness and pain at times. These emotions along with the anger sometimes at how unfair the universe seems to be has made me thoughtful of the relationships I am forming and have formed over the past few years. I understand that some things are totally out of my control and can not be by anyone or anything. So for now my adventure has started and I have identified the goals and hopefully they can be accomplished but I understand that things do not always happen the way you want but maybe working together with people you can figure out a solution when you lose your path and things are not wonderful. I am excited and hopeful that this adventure though it may have some loses will turn out to be part of an epic adventure!!

Puuurrrrrrrrr


XXX

Ummm, life changes

Once again things in my life are changing, for the better I might add, I have a potential new job offer from the same department so everyone keep there fingers crossed as this is a very important position that could potentially lead to some very interesting paths in the future.

Derby is fun!!! I am excited and I am looking forward to learning and playing. Yay!!!

I am very excited for all this new stuff but I am still missing my Merlin and am feeling a bit low today.

School starts for the bean on Monday and she is looking forward to the beginning of school and being able to spend time with her friends. Our life is about to become very hectic again with school, derby practice and such.

Not much of a post but our laptops needed to be sent out for some TLC and I am quickly posting from work. They shall return on Wednesday, thanks guys, we really appreciate all the work and time you put into keeping things running!!!

Off to do some work and such......

XXX

Tired

So tired, I am soooo very tired and I have only worked two days thus far. I have been very busy with visits, school shopping, sleepovers, and things. Thinking quite a bit which is at times dangerous but you know I have to do it sometime....

I feel good, the kind of good that you shrug into and it just seems to fit. Had a lovely time with Crstfr this weekend and I really enjoy having him near, it feels good. Hmmm.... I am sad that he is gone.... but I still feel good ....

I am all achy and sore from the 2 hour skate last night, I love that feeling. I fell down but can jump at least 75% of the time over cones, now if only I could skate everything would be OK, tee hee... I have to say the derby girls are very supportive and helpful, I guess this is what being part of a team is all about!! I of course owe all the skating fun and derby stuff to an amazing friend that has opened her home and family to me and the bean. I am so very happy that we have reconnected because I just think she is a wonderful and caring human bean that has a beautiful family.

Memories

Sometimes when it is quiet and I am in the alone, the memories from a lifetime ago start to creep in and take over. Sometimes they are not quite fully formed but more a feeling of the moment that I put somewhere in there to be pulled and pried from me. Sometimes the drift over me while drifting off into the land of slumber. Do you remember the touch, the taste, the feel of a lover, that moment when it all collided and came together the anticipation and lingering effects of that memory? How do so many lose that memory and place it aside for more practical things? Never forget the memories or the dreams that held them in place, the dreams may change, but to forget where they came from and the memories that hold them is to lose a bit of life. I find that for me the memories are more feelings than actual parts of an event, I suppose that is why they are memorable. I love some, hate others but am happy to have a lifetime now of them, they are mine to share and dish out as I choose. Funny how sometimes mine seems so different than the other people involved, is it because I am scrutinizing them and reclaiming what I thought was lost and gone forever. I feel like my memories at times are just in the corner of my sight, like catching a movement when it is not really there.... or is it?

Hello, old lady.
I know your face well.
I know it well.

She says,
"Ooh-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na!
I'll be sitting in your mirror.
Now is the place where the crossroads meet.
Will you look into the future?

"Never, never say goodbye
To my part of your life.
No, no, no, no, no!
Oh, oh, oh,

"Let me live!"
She said.
"C'mon and let me live, girl!"
She said,
"C'mon and let me live, girl!"
("C'mon and let me live!")

"This moment in time,"
(She said.)
It doesn't belong to you,"
(She said,)
It belongs to me,

"And to your little boy and to your little girl,
And the one hand clapping:
Where on your palm is my little line,
When you're written in mine
As an old memory?
Ooh, na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-

"Never, never say goodbye
To my part of your life.
Oh no, no, no, no, no!
Never, never, never!
Never, never let me go!"

She said,
"C'mon and let me live, girl!'
("C'mon and let me live!")
She said,
"C'mon and let me live, girl!"
("C'mon and let me live!")

I put this
moment..............................................here.
I put this moment.........................here.
I put this moment--

"Over here!
"Over here!
Can't you see where memories are kept bright?
Tripping on the water like a laughing girl.
Time in her eyes is spawning past life,
One with the ocean and the woman unfurled,
Holding all the love that waits for you here.
Catch us now for I am your future.
A kiss on the wind and we'll make the land.
Come over here to where When lingers,
Waiting in this empty world,
Waiting for Then, when the lifespray cools.
For Now does ride in on the curl of the wave,
And you will dance with me in the sunlit pools.
We are of the going water and the gone.
We are of water in the holy land of water
And all that's to come runs in
With the thrust on the strand."
-Jig of Life
-kate Bush

Laughter is a medicine

So this morning while speaking to a co-worker we started discussing how maybe working here has made our "black" sense of humor acceptable; at least in this circle of people. I have always had a little bit of dark humor in me and I think sometimes people just do not get it, so my working here just brings the darkest humor out a bit more often and makes it more appropriate. I think laughter helps me deal with things and it is so much better than crying and making myself so upset, i.e. after a patient expires and the family does not want them flown a great distance and pays the 60 dollars per hour for them to be driven, you say, 'whats the person afraid of flying?". tee hee funny right, ummm I guess not because it did not get a really great response. *Chuckles* we thought it was hilarious. Dealing with issues like death, disease and other uncomfortable things makes the need for laughter and joking necessary, it brings joy and happiness and makes you feel better.

So hahahahahahahahahahahahahahah, take that!!

Puurrr

XXX

Forget the old ways, I have a new one

Well after a few days of valium , lots of crying, some anger, guilt and frustration I am slowly starting to feel normal again. Well normal for me, I choke up sometimes like last night after we received a wonderful card from my Merlins vet with a little present enclosed.

Sometimes things seem just so unfair in the world it really affects me and makes me very sad. The world is a mess, a large amount of people are selfish, mean and greedy and few of the people that actually complain do little or anything to make any changes. When I started the process of changing who I am into the person I want to be, I wanted to lose the anxiety, constant worrying, and some horrible learned behaviours. This week with the overwhelming sense of loss it brought back some of those things and they were very overwhelming, the difference is now I know how to deal with them and when to ask for help. It is hard for people to understand what I live with and the struggle of living in a state like this for most my life until it spirals out of control, I spiral out of control, the toll it takes physically and mentally are unexplainable and I am unable to describe the paranoia, confusion and loss of reality that I encounter once that spiral starts. It has been said to me that people can not change, that is not true, I think the truth is people do not want to work to make the change because it is a long arduous process. It does not go away after 6 therapy sessions, medicine does not fix it, you have to probe every part of who you are and pull it out and figure out the why, how and what triggers the downward spiral as well as deal with your day to day living. This is not easy especially when you are a caregiver and trying to raise a child on your own. The financial strains of being a single parent alone are enough to cause a "normal" functioning person to go a little crazy let alone dealing with the emotional and physical needs of someone else. I had to accept the fact that I am fragile at times, very emotional and easily touched by others and their problems. The interesting thing is because I am easily touched by others and because I am emotional that is what makes me compassionate and that is why small things are magical and brilliant, because I appreciate them. How many people appreciate a smile, a laugh, or a cry, I do but not many people take the time to stop thinking about all the "important" things in their lives to listen to anyone else's story as that would mean it would take their time which is obviously more important than anyone or anything else. I want to say that I have been "cured" or "fixed" but that is not how it works, I have been taught how to behave and I have learned when to ask for help. I have also learned that I have a voice and I can be compassionate and share what I have without expecting anything in return not having to give more than I have. I have given it much thought and had many discussions with the people in my life recently about the changes I am initiating in my relationships and the type of people I want in my life. I have been very fortunate to have some wonderful, caring, and all around decent people to help me on this path even with the bumps and trips along the way. These people that have loved me and cared about me through the years regardless of the deceit at times, the hurt and pain have been my hope and strength during this transition. Thank you for helping me combine the bits and pieces of my tale into a story of that even with despair has so much magic and joy included!!