Sad, sad, sad

Last night I said I love you and goodbye to my Merlin, it was the hardest thing I have ever done but I stayed with him through the process to comfort him and make sure he knew he was not alone. It was the only thing we could do given his illness and with the progression of neurological and clinical symptoms he was showing. I am sad, numb, sick, anxious and a big mess today. Last night was the second night I have slept alone since we adopted him, he was my friend, companion and there for me when no one else could be. He gave me so much and comforted me when I had a need. I loved that little kitten so very much and will miss him greatly. It is hard to explain the loss to people that do not have pets or think of them only as things, he was part of my family. My friends and family have been wonderful through all of this and I want to thank all who have been so supportive, encouraging over the course of his illness and his death. The kindness and concern from all have really helped me through all this and I so greatly appreciate every word, action and thought.

Thank you!!!

Puuurrrrrr

PS: If you would like to donate in Merlins name to help in the research of FIP please donate to one of the following this disease is brutal and fatal:

Guilt

Sometimes the world just brings me down, down, down. Merlin will be gone tomorrow, the patient "God" did not want died on Monday night, and I am just low, low, low. Then I see a bright spots that make me happy, like people doing decent things for people they do not know just because it is well a decent thing. I have been walking around feeling almost guilty about Merlin, I am not sure what I could have done to prevent this, what I could have done to make it easier, I just know that I feel guilty. I look at him and I am pretty sure he knows that there is no more we can do, I think he is ready but then all of a sudden he tries to act normal and for a brief moment I see the fight that is what tears me up. I am not sure but I have this little nagging feeling that there is something I have missed, something we have not tried or just something to make this all a bit more bearable. It is the right decision but it is the hardest. I am sad and weepy and it all seems a bit unfair to my handsome young kitten that was one of the bright spots of my day. It is a bit selfish of me I suppose but he makes me so happy; it does sadden me so much to see the kitten that was so full of life suffering just to be alive. I guess I felt that way about my pop pop also and there was nothing to be done.

Insight

I never danced because it was pretty and , it has taken me this long to remember why I started dancing. I started dancing because I loved it and it was a part of me but the real reason is because it made me feel good to give some of the magic to people. The most remarkable performance I believe I ever did was not in a theater, a studio or a large venue; it was at a senior citizen center. The reason it was so remarkable is because I truly believe that day I was able to give a piece of magic to some people that did not have much left. It felt good, I also realized that the reason I like working at the cancer center is I feel I can help and make things easier for some people. I often think about what the world would be like without the things that drag people down and if everyone just gave a little of whatever magic they held to those around them. Then I wonder how and when so many people lost the idea and concept that they could not do this. It makes me sad. I have found this hope and excitement again in my life it is not that I have accomplished anything outstanding in terms of employment, money or fame but I have been able to touch a few people and make things easier, that is what I think is important and why I like what I can give now. I tried to hard to give things I did not have to give, thinking that this was helping, it was not it was dishonest and harmful. I can now give and not have it be hurtful and harmful and really that is who I have always wanted to be. Sometimes it is hard to see the importance of who are when so many people try to tell what you are and how you should be. The reason I lost joy ad happiness in dancing was because it was not giving to any one at that point, it was just becoming harmful and destructive to me. I have a bit of magic it brings a smile, makes someone laugh, that is important and accomplishment. Value and quality of life are of high worth and from my own experience I feel that I am to share all the magic I have on all the people that need it.

I know a man who is lost, lost his dreams and magic along the way, I hope one day he will dream and remember these things. I think he needs to find and remember his own, sometimes it must be rediscovered or it will never come back. I fear if this does not happen he might end up without ever remembering what happiness, joy, love are. That makes me sad, he hides away wrapped in his anger and bitterness at his life and the world. Occasionally he allows glimpses of compassion but they usually do not last long. Angry, bitter, and alone are not a good way to be.

My final insight for the day is that these are Merlin's last few days with us, his little body is unable to function and I do not want him to suffer. I have done everything possible to make him comfortable but this is no longer working. My kitten is loved and has much magic, the magic to love me, be my companion and help me through when I needed a friend and no one was there. I am very sad but I do not want to be selfish by allowing him to suffer and I knew this would happen. My Merlin is off and on the days I need him he will be in my heart.

Wondering.....

Sometimes I wonder why I am fearful to say outloud the things I think in my brain. I mean if it is out does it make it solid, more real and not just thoughts. Once spoken it can not be "taken back" from whence it came and could be construed as volatile, hurtful or as being jealous in some instances. I am not sure but sometimes I know I feel better by getting them out of my head and somewhere solid, such as here, on this out into the big wide world where maybe someone, someday, will read and know that there is at least one other soul in the universe that feels the same at times. I have been annoyed and I feel like something is off but I can not put a finger on it, is it me? Could it be work, life, the bean, what is it???????????? It is frustrating me and it has made me feel like grrrrrrrrring at all who approach and try to speak. You see when I am in this mood I want to discuss it but you see no one really wants to listen or participate in this discussion with me at the moment. My soul dentist is off dealing with fame and family issues, I have decided not to maintain a friendship with crazy girl, others have their own families and stuff to do, and I just do not know what to do about it. Grrrrrrr

Madness, no not the band

Bush has decided execute his power to veto for the first time on stem cell research, will the madness ever come to an end, will the United States survive another two years of this man????


"There's one kind of research, and that is that which involves the destruction of human life, that he (Bush) does not think is appropriate for the federal government to finance," Snow told reporters. "He's been absolutely clear about it. There is no shading in it."



I also might point out that war involves destruction of human lives and that has not stopped him. Nevertheless his "War on Terror" will never potentially save millions of lives. I just want to cry at how horrible things have become from all across the board from horrible Medicare Plan D to No Child Left Behind to the War on Terror and now this!!!!

All kind of things

Sometimes I have all kind of things going on in my head, right now I feel a bit conflicted and grumpy which has carried over from yesterday. I am trying to sort it ll out. Sometimes I feel so much and so deep, it is true I am a creature that has many emotional reflections and they at times seem to rule me. I feel very passionate right now about some things going on in my life and I wonder if I have acurately conveyed thi9s passion and excitement to others. I mean I feel a rush when speaking of certain things and when talking sometimes it feels as though people on the other end do not quite understand this, I am met with silence at times. Could it be that they can not relate, how sad would it be to live in a world without strong feelings. I know it is horrible as I medicated myself and was devoid of any feelings for 6 months, it to me was the worst thing ever, now I will admit that ups and downs do occur but to be even all the time is not who I am and I will never be that person. I am not "safe" and "secure", in some ways I have become those things as far as financial responsibility and things of those nature. I am full of love, life, passion, sparks and lust, I want sunshine, thunderstorms, fun and excitement those things are what make me happy. I feel very shut out of some of my relationships, very uninvolved and when examining my relationships I realize this must change, but am unsure how to move forward with this change. I think communication is the answer but it is hard to communicate with people who are not willing to participate. I want to share so much of who I am that I guess to others maybe it is overwhelming at times. I am sure given time this will resolve itself as I find a balance and better ways to communicate my desires and what I want from my life.

Bruised up

So I am all bruised up, went skating last night and only fell down the way I was supposed and still looks like someone took a bat across the inside of my knees. It is not very painful, not like the tailbone was,which is getting better!!! Skating is improving, I am gaining a bit more control, better speed and getting the general feel for it. I am very excited though as maybe I will be ready by the end of the summer. I think I am really going to enjoy this derby stuff!! Yay!!!


Bout on Sunday so I will not be skating, the bean is leaving for a couple of days to visit one of her friends so maybe I will skate on Thursday night!

Going to a lingerie show by one of the derby ladies, she is quite a talented designer from what I hear and I love fancy pants.

Puuuurrrrrrrr

XXX

Changes

It's funny after two years of behaviour modification I have started to decide what relationships I have in my life, what those relationships mean to me and if I should continue said relationships. I have decided that most of the relationships that I have, have made, or recovered will stay as they are important to me and from these relationships there is a balance. There is one relationship that I will not continue and though I am a bit conflicted about this I realize the person that it involves is manipulative, selfish and dishonest person. The interesting thing is a few years ago many would have said the same thing maybe about me. It is hard to sever this relationship because maybe I see so much of where I was in this person that I want to help this person overcome the obstacles and challenges which may cause major upheaval and unnecessary sadness the difference I think is that I never wanted to be that person and I am not selfish, I always want other people to have even if I do not, this causes big problems. I have decided that I am unable to help this person and that in order to get help you have to realize that something is "wrong" with you and that it is not everyone else. The hardest part I think of modification is the reteaching of you and your habits and learned behaviours, they did not just happen they have been there for as long as I can remember now, they are coping mechanisms and ways to hide from truths that you may not be equipped to deal with. I have been craving these changes for years and never knew how to manage the unlearnt of said behaviors. Back to the point of this post, things are changing, I have changed, for the better I might add, I am working hard and have worked hard to get to this point and I like the people I associate with and work with, they are smart, real, funny and compassionate people. They may disagree with me regarding certain things but they always respect who I am, the decisions I make and how I handle problems. The world of academia and healthcare agrees with me because I feel I can give without losing myself, I have learned that compassion, caring and a bit of humor mean more to most people than anything money could ever buy. It may not pay the bills but it eases my mind, soul and has helped me recover a bit of me I thought I would never have again, it was there briefly after the accident but then went away to hid in the deep recesses of my mind. I find it interesting how my general life has changed with the modifications I have put into place and how certain people have returned back into my life. People I care about and want to remain in my life with the exception of one who wandered in between, in between the implosion, the complete collapse and now that I am restructuring really has no place at all in what my life is becoming and will become. I have no room in my life to be surrounded by the part of the person I once was, it frankly terrifies me on some level. Grrrrrr, plus I do not want to be made to feel bad and feel manipulated and deceived, to much stress and just things I have no time for!!!!

Puuurrrrrrr

Broken Tale/Tail

The heat, the rain, the sick Merlin, and my broken butt!!! Wooohooooooo. What a week. I am sorry to say that poor Merlin is still not doing well even after the thoracentesis and I fear that tale in my life is slowly creeping to an ending... sniffle, sniffle but we continue to give him tons of love as much food as he will eat and lots of faery wishes. I have been skating, I have been falling on purpose many times hence the nice purple bruise on my knee but alas I made the skater tot mistake of falling on my tailbone which protudes. there is talk that I may have had an actual tail when birthed but that is just a rumor... onto my tailbone, do not ever fall on this part of your body it kinda hurts. I will be skating again on Sunday so it must be getting better I will make sure I fall forward from now on!!!! Not sure what is going on except I have been working very hard writing and submitting abstracts, grants and manuscripts...I like it tons though so it is much better than people dying. It has slowed as far as expirations, yay!!!! It was making me a bit off. Hmmmm....I am working on my tale but it comes in bits and pieces one day it will be one longggggggggggggg bit of work but for know it is random bits here and there being written on little slips of papers and drifting across my mind. See here is a random thought, I really am having fun and aspire to be a really decent....... insert abo0ut 15 different things there. Goals!!! LOL

Puurrrr

Sparkle and Shine

I found myself out for a walk this morning and was struck by the lack of folks out and about, walking along I found myself listening to the birds and the hum of air conditioners working. I guess what struck me the most is how lonely things have become in communities. Growing up we as kids ran around from morning until dark, parents outside actually talking to neighbors and knowing them by name, in deciding where to live I want to find a community, one that brings back some of the joys and happiness of years gone by. I was thinking about how the world has changed from the time I was young (which was not long ago), I do not send my child out to play with her friends as most of them live outside of our neighborhood and no longer do I really know my neighbors and communicate with them often except to say hello. I find this somewhat sad and have decided that I will create this sense of fun and joy to bring back what has been lost from my carefree innocence. I suppose as a country we have smaller families, less sense of family and friends as everyone is so worried about schools, work and what they have. No more interaction when you can sit alone in your house talking to people half a world away, no interaction with the actual carbon based life forms surrounding you, sad. I love interacting with people and at times I encounter some pretty crappy people but sometimes I see a smile and sunshine so strongly from just one person it reminds me there is hope and life among me. I love that when I encounter a person I know will make me smile and bring something to the world without asking for anything in return. These people sparkle and shine and I am happy just to encounter them and be around them hopefully offering some sparkle and shine of my own to others as well. I will send some sparkle and shine out to all I know and hopefully it will help when someone needs it.

Puuurrrrrr

XXX

Underwater to escape organizing chaos

Since the summer has decided to heat up we have decided that swimming is a good idea. We try to go often not all day but at least an hour or so here and there. It has been so warm I have actually found the pool temperature acceptable. I have been swimming, I have always loved to swim, underwater is a favorite place of mine, it gets rid of all the noise and dust. Clean crisp vision and muted sounds are how I like things sometimes.

Work has been a bit more depressing than normal as we are in the "bad" time of the year so things have been a bit stressful as of late. During these periods it gets me thinking about all kinds of life/death issues which takes a bit of energy trying to figure it all out. I have some theories about death from my own experiences but it does not make it easier when you are confronted on a daily basis with these issues.

Next on the list of things to do is to figure out where I might want to live and the reasons of said move and the logistics. I have various reasons for living in various places and it is time to pull out the comparison chart and look at the options realistically. Things such as schools for the beans, salaries, employment, cost of living and insurance costs all seem to be mitigating factors in this decision process (when did I become an adult). It is swirling in my brain along with the other 8 or 9 things that I am working on right now (*cough* OCD *cough*) I will write all of this down sometime over the next day or so and start making a cross comparison chart with pros and cons which hopefully will make things a bit more clearer. Sometimes I get tired of being the adult, I just want to skip, jump, laugh and spin around at times, have some fun and play!!!

"Chaos is the score upon which reality is written."
Henry Miller