Stupper

OK, I am stupid. I admit it. I have this problem, you see I decided to go forward with my jaw surgery on Friday. It went well, only took about three hours or so, they put me out, woke me up and let me go an hour or so later. I did not feel too bad and decided to go back to work. The thing I should have realized is even though I had some piece and quiet it is not like being at home all snuggly. So stupper me decided on sat to not follow my instructions and went out to pick up a few things my bean needs for lacrosse, was fine, a little tired but I was on pain killers. Cleaned the house Sunday because it needed to be done plus the pain killers make me a bit hyper. Still not following directions but it seemed OK. Stupper though because now I feel like crap. The thing is if I did not do the things I needed to get done than it would not have gotten done because there is no one else to do them. Now I am exhausted. I feel sick, not sure if it is the antibiotics but I just feel completely, utterly, exhausted. I mean really who would have thought that I would be this tired. It may be partially emotional related as well but that is a whole separate issue I will not go into right now. It has come to my attention that it is stupper of me not to take care of myself the way I should because I always pay for it in the long run. I mean really stupper to go back to work after surgery, taking the bean out on Sat, doing all the cleaning on Sun., I should have just done nothing and allowed myself to heal. How realistic is that though? I am not allowed to be sick because I still have to take care of the bean and make sure she has what she needs. My head is just about ready to explode today and I a not sure what to do about it. Just stick it here and hope it all just goes away and next time I have something done like this (hopefully there will be no next time) I will have learned my lesson and just curl up in bed and pull the velvet over my eyes!!!

Would some one please send me home and let me sleep another 40 hours or so that I can feel like a normal as normal as I can be) person.

Understanding

I do not understand many things, I suppose most people do not but are not likely to admit that they just do not know.


Searching, you seem to be, searching.
For what you have lost,
what you once held dear
Your muse has fled because you
have become complacent
You have forgotten life

you are trapped
snared
entangled
Struggling to be free

I hope this never becomes my life, you know so much supposedly and yet look where you find yourself. I know so little that I still experience wonder and fascination in the universe. I am so happy that my feet do not always touch the ground because I would hate to lose all my hope, passion and vitality.

ZzzZZZzzzz

It has come to my attention that I am not capable of working with limited amounts of sleep. I am trying to wake up but my cold, lonely office is not helping any. One coffee, one tea and one mocha later and I am still sleepy. ZZZzzzzZZZZ. Makes for a slightly out of focus me. I am not able to deal with the that place in the universe called work and feel a bit detached from reality slightly floating and semi-dreaming. The fog has rolled in, I could put my head on my desk and lock the door and take a nap. Instead I will just sit here and tap, tap, tap the keys.

It has been one of those weeks already and it is only Monday. Blech!!!!!!

Ask and you shall receive

Just make sure you are asking for the right question at the right time. Say for instance you have a question, it is 7:30 am and you have just gotten your coffee, you know the question is not so difficult to answer especially as you work for a specialist that knows quite a bit. Here is the problem I should know that at 7:30 am I am not equipped with the capacity to deal with the answer to the question, I should know it is not the right time. I need at least a half an hour before I should deal with the horrors of cancer. I ask the question anyway, Awwwwww...... the answer is horrible and now here I am three hours later still feeling the effects of a question asked at the wrong time. You think I would learned by now that all these questions have horrible answers and I should just go on being ignorant about this stuff. I can not though, there is some driving force inside my head (OCD) that would drive me crazy if I did not know. Curiosity killed the cat.....

This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation. I -- I hardly know, sir, just at present -- at least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.
Alice in Wonderland
Lewis Carroll

Seem to be feeling a bit like Alice lately, that would account for all the Lewis Carroll quotes.

Puurrrrrr

Snow Day

Snow day no school, no work just playing in the snow and such. Put the snow boarding pants and jacket on with my big Columbia boots and went outside for some play with my bean. The bean seemed to have fun and enjoyed being pelted with large amounts of snow, making a mini snow person and rolling around in the snow. I had some fun but find myself in a bit of a mood the past few days. I suppose this will pass but it is making me cranky and grumpy.

GRrrrrrrRRRrrrrrrrr......

I was Kissed by the Faeries and received a really yummy chocolate bar from a lovely friend. It was dark chocolate with pistachio and butterscotch, very tasty.

Feeling

It’s in the trees!
It’s coming!

When I was a child:
Running in the night,
Afraid of what might be

Hiding in the dark,
Hiding in the street,
And of what was following me...

Now hounds of love are hunting.
I’ve always been a coward,
And I don’t know what’s good for me.

Here I go!
It’s coming for me through the trees.
Help me, someone!
Help me, please!

Take my shoes off,
And throw them in the lake,
And I’ll be
Two steps on the water.

I found a fox
Caught by dogs.
He let me take him in my hands.

His little heart,
It beats so fast,
And I’m ashamed of running away

From nothing real--
I just can’t deal with this,
But I’m still afraid to be there,

Among your hounds of love,
And feel your arms surround me.
I’ve always been a coward,
And never know what’s good for me.

Oh, here I go!
Don’t let me go!
Hold me down!
It’s coming for me through the trees.
Help me, darling,
Help me, please!

Take my shoes off
And throw them in the lake,
And I’ll be
Two steps on the water.

I don’t know what’s good for me.
I don’t know what’s good for me.
I need your love love love love love, yeah!
Your love!

Take your shoes off
And throw them in the lake!

Do you know what I really need?
Do you know what I really need?
I need love love love love love, yeah!
Kate Bush

That says it all!

Too tired and burnt to really add anything more than this....

Gonna go straight to

h e double hockey sticks (if I believed in that) for that last post. Never should let a patient get to me that much and since she is going to be dead soon, I should probably be nicer. I will no longer refer to her as a troll because that is just ugly and mean.

I am beat, been working on a book chapter on novel treatment of prostate cancer. Very interesting but a lot of work. Scheduled my first liver biopsy, did my first lab prescription. Woo hoo!! Exciting!! LOL. Well maybe just to me.

Spent some time watching and listening to the trees this weekend. I love how I can get lost just watching the trees whispering . The way they move fascinates me and moves me to another place. Trees are one of my favorite things in life. I can not wait to see the redwoods and maybe the black forest.... One day......

Stormy

I love a good storm. I was outside listening to the rain and the trees. The trees always talk so loudly during a storm. The electricity in the air is high, the hair on my arms stand on end as the lightning flashes before me.

I started this post a few days ago, now I am not going to complete it just because I do not feel that way right now. It is Monday am and I am at work. You see I love my job but there is a troll here right now. This troll resembles a human being but really she is a troll. She is the most miserable troll I have ever met and she inflicts her troll behavior on everyone in this office. I have a feeling after today that it will be even worse and any resemblance to a human quality had (if she ever had any) will flee in the face of her progression. Save us all from this troll because when she is around everyone feels horrible!!

Memory

Do you remember the feeling during childhood when you were waiting for something to arrive. The elation, happy feeling? I had that the feeling the other day when from the depths of my dusty brain I remembered my Quik Bunny Cup. I thought I was younger but I guess that I was actually around nine. We ordered a Quik Bunny cup and everyday I would check the mail in anticipation that the cup would arrive. It seemed to take forever, 6 weeks to a 9 year old seems like forever!!! Finally the day arrived and so did the bunny cup but the elation did not leave. I want a new Quik Bunny Cup!!! I like that feeling, just talking about it makes me feel all titillated !!!!

Puuurrrrrr