Anxiety

I am anxious, anxious about a ton of things right now. I am finding it hard to concentrate on things and am just feeling like I want to be home. Only two more hours to go before I can leave and find some quiet time in my home. I am a bit worried about Merlin, he seems a bit more lethargic, kind of like he is starting to slow down a bit. I am so off right now I am not sure if I am just looking for things to be anxious about or if I have a reason to feel this way.

Just had a lovely lunch and am feeling full and not really wanting to be sitting in my office. It is a bit lonely today as no one is here, usually I like being here and like the flow of people coming and going but not today. I think I may call in my valium prescription and see if that helps a bit, maybe it will calm me down a bit and I will start to feel like I can breath again. I keep catching myself kind of holding my breath and pulling my shoulders up around my ears. Ouch, tension, hopefully I can go home and relax. Have a nice weekend with the bean. Planning on going to see some bands on Sat. outside and then the flower festival on Sunday. Trying to be busier and find more things that are fun to do to help with the transition and stress associated with not moving. Ahhhhh, breath, just breath....

For my bean

Sometimes I get so caught up in stuff (work, commuting), I forget about the important things in life sometimes. My bean is so full of love, compassion and hope. She is full of life and is the joy, hope and love of my life. Yesterday she decided that I needed to here two new songs she found. The first song is for me she said.
Song 1.
Tell me that you're alright,
Yeah everything is alright.
Oh please tell me that you're alright,
Yeah everything is alright.

Give me a reason to end this discussion,
To break with tradition.
To fold and divide.

Cause I hate the ocean, theme parks and airplanes,
Talking with strangers, waiting in line..
I'm through with these pills that make me sit still.
"Are you feeling fine?"
Yes, I feel just fine.

Tell me that you're alright,
Yeah everything is alright.
Oh please tell me that you're alright,
Yeah everything is alright.

I'm sick of the things I do when I'm nervous
Like cleaning the oven or checking my tires
Or counting the number of tiles in the ceiling..
Head for the hills, the kitchen's on fire!

I used to rely on self-medication,
I guess I still do that from time to time.
But I'm getting better at fighting the future,
"Someday you'll be fine.."
Yes, I'll be just fine.

Tell me that you're alright,
Yeah everything is alright.
Oh please tell me that you're alright,
Yeah everything is alright.

Give me a reason (I don't believe a word)
To end this discussion (of anything I've heard)
To break with tradition (they tell me that it's not so hard)
To fold and divide (it's not so hard)
So let's not get carried (away with everything)
Away with the process (from here to in-between)
of elimination (the long goodbye)
I don't want to waste your time.

Tell me that you're alright,
Yeah everything is alright.
Oh please tell me that you're alright,
Yeah everything is alright.

(Alright)
Tell me that you're alright, (Hi, everything's great)
Yeah everything is alright. (Everything's fine)
Oh please tell me that you're alright, (Hi, everything's great)
Yeah everything is alright.
-Everything Is All Right
-Motion City Soundtrack

The second song is for her she says this is how she feels right now. We had a long conversation last night and she let go a bit of her frustration and anger that she seems to have been holding onto for a bit of time. Sometimes her life gets complicated and confusing also and I do not hear her completely.

Song 2.
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.

She said "Some days I feel like shit,
Some days I wanna quit, and just be normal for a bit,"
I don't understand why you have to always be gone,
I get along but the trips always feel so long,
And, I find myself trying to stay by the phone,
'Cause your voice always helps me to not feel so alone,
But I feel like an idiot, workin' my day around the call,
But when I pick up I don't have much to say,
So, I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin',
Tellin' you that I've had it with you and your career,
Me and the rest of the family here singing "Where'd you go?"

I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone,
Please come back home...

You know the place where you used to live,
Used to barbecue up burgers and ribs,
Used to have a little party every Halloween with candy by the pile,
But now, you only stop by every once and a while,
Shit, I find myself just fillin' my time,
With anything to keep the thought of you from my mind,
I'm doin' fine, I plan to keep it that way,
You can call me if you find that you have something to say,
And I'll tell you, I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin',
Tellin' you that I've had it with you and your career,
Me and the rest of the family here singing "Where'd you go?"

I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone,
Please come back home...

I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', no longer debatin',
Tired of sittin' and hatin' and makin' these excuses,
For why you're not around, and feeling so useless,
It seems one thing has been true all along,
You don't really know what you've got 'til it's gone,
I guess I've had it with you and your career,
When you come back I won't be here and you can sing it...

Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone,
Please come back home...
Please come back home...
Please come back home...
Please come back home...
Please come back home...
-Fort Minor
-Where'd You Go?

So this afternoon I am going to send you a song and hope you find it cool. So bean this is my song to you today. I love you and hope that you are feeling a bit more acclimated and understanding of yourself and the situation you are in. I know it is tough and some days are so hard but no matter what I will always be here for you and will always listen to the words you have to say no matter what type of mood I am in, no matter what just know you can tell me anything.
Your song for today:
When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

High up above or down below
when you're too in love to let it go
but If you never try you'll never know
Just what your worth

Lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears streaming down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears streaming down your face and I

Tears streaming down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face and I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
-Coldplay
-Fix You

This weekend is yours, ours, not about time schedules, cleaning the house, being tired and stuff. Just about you and flowers and games and music and joy.

Tra La La La
Found a bit of happiness today, thanks so much!! Located a bit of me I thought I had lost. Lost and found it is here again that little peice of me that has planted a seed. Inhale, breathing it in and realizing.

Grrrr

So sad, so disappointed, I just want to curl up under my velvet....

So sad

That is all, just sad..... :(

Better

Better now, played some ball and some lacrosse with the bean, talked to some of my bestest friends and they made me realize that my decision really changes nothing in my life. The difference is in my mind, not in the physical. I pay all the bills, make sure the bean does well in school, I am there to hold her hand when she is scared, kiss her hurts and pains and make sure she is OK. Nothing changes there, I can do this on my own because that is what I have been doing. I do not know why I was being so silly, I feel like a fool thinking things would change, they will not. It will stay the same with the exception that I will be going out and doing more things with people I meet along the way and friends that I have not spent much time with. The bean is OK with things and understands, she thinks I am being silly for being sad and upset.

A mess

I am a mess, sad beyond belief. I have no more sunshine, I am a fool. I am pushing it as far from me as I have been pushed. I am not worth it to my sunshine, we are not impotant enough. Thats the sad realization so as it rains outside it is raining along with me.

You can't get any more sunshine
I can't get over how it rains down
Oh no no no.

You can't get any more sunshine
you can't get any more broken down
Oh no no no.

Is the car parked downtown
leave it while the sun beats down
we can walk and walk and walk
walk and walk and walk.

You can't get any more sunshine
barefoot while the heat rains down
Oh no no no.

There's nothing I forgot
I left that paper heart where it belonged
who it belonged to,
I never knew I never never knew.

Paper burns and my heart melts
when I tear at you.

Sun drops down down now now now now.
_Kristin Hersh
_Sundrops

Dream rather nightmares

Detail from Dante's Inferno by Rodin, Rodin Muesum, Paris

I am not sure what my nightmares/dreams over the past week are bringing up but I feel that they must be important otherwise they would not be so vivid and thought provoking. I have had every night a series of nightmares that really shake me. I suppose I am having separation fears and abandonment fears as well. People I have not thought about and people I hold dear have been plaguing these nightmares. my kittens, my family members, friends are being taken from me or hurt in these dreams. I think maybe it is the hurt, pain and disappointment that I feel I have caused them that may be bringing all this on. I have not slept well, my mind has been to active and I am trying to process what bits I can remember. Hence, I find myself off and trying to figure out ways to resolve these things so that I can sleep well. I feel sick and tired and am finding solace in nothing. I intend to write some letters today and send them off to some folks letting them know that I hold them dear and what they have brought to my life. I feel if I acknowledge the things they have brought to me maybe they will realize that they are important to me and some healing can begin.

On a happier note I received a lovely card from a co-worker that I helped, some flowers from a wonderful patient and a nomination onto the social committee. Yay!! I have a lunch this week with some co-workers, a social committee meeting, and I signed up for a birthday party food contribution. Ohhh, and I received another raise!!

The end of the school year for the bean is quickly approaching and we are planning a trip to Colorado. The year is passing so quickly, I can hardly believe that 6th grade is almost over for her and she will be in 7th grade, kindergarten seems like yesterday.

Well off to write some letters, not emails, actual letters that require postage and such.

In the morning when I wake up and listen to the sound
Of the birds outside on the roof
I try to ignore what the paper says
And I try not to read all the news
And I'll hold you if you had a bad dream
And I hope it never comes true
'Cause you and I been through so many things together
And the sun starts climbing the roof

It's a dream
Only a dream
And it's fading now
Fading away
It's only a dream
Just a memory without anywhere to stay

The Red River stills flows through my home town
Rollin' and tumblin' on its way
Swirling around the old bridge pylons
Where a boy fishes the morning away
His bicycle leans on an oak tree
While the cars rumble over his head
An aeroplane leaves a trail in an empty blue sky
And the young birds call out to be fed

It's a dream
Only a dream
And it's fading now
Fading away
It's only a dream
Just a memory without anywhere to stay

An old man walks along on the sidewalk
Sunglasses and an old Stetson hat
The four winds blow the back of his overcoat away
As he stops with the policeman to chat
And a train rolls out of the station
That was really somethin' in its day
Picking up speed on the straight prairie rails
As it carries the passengers away

It's gone
Only a dream
And it's fading now
Fading away
Only a dream
Just a memory without anywhere to stay

It's a dream
Only a dream
And it's fading now
Fading away
It's only a dream
Just a memory without anywhere to stay

It's a dream
Only a dream
And it's fading now
Fading away

-Neil Young
-Its a Dream

Rainy and lazy

Hmmmm.....

It wouldn't take me long
To tell you how to find it
To tell you where we'll meet
This little girl inside me
Is retreating to her favourite place
Go into the garden, go under the ivy
Under the leaves, away from the party
Go right to the rose
Go right to the white rose
I sit here in the thunder
The green on the gray
I feel it all around me
And it's not easy for me
To give away a secret
It's not safe
To go into the garden, go under the ivy
Under the leaves, away from the party
Go right to the rose
Go right to the white rose
Go into the garden, go under the ivy
Go under the leaves with me
Go right to the rose
Go right to the white rose
I'll be waiting for you
It wouldn't take me long
To tell you how to find it

Kate Bush
Under the Ivy

Grrrrr, in the best possible way

So with little or no posts over the past week or so I have suddenly found time to blog. Yay!!! Very exciting isn't it. Well after my very bleak post from days and days ago, I have perked up a bit, made some small future plans and am feeling over all a bit better. You see I have just come to the decision that it will happen. Just like that regardless of how or when, this is the way it works. I am not forcing myself to think about it much, I am being very light and focusing on the aspects of my life that bring me joy and happiness. I notice while I am trying to do this it is harder to close the distance for some. I feel a bit kept at a distance still and that always makes me feel a bit more anxious regarding the situation. I feel that because I have to be so open and honest about everything that it should work that way for everyone and it is not fair of me to do that to anyone. I feel at times that it is forced, does not come easily, something is being held back, but what? This is when my crazy imagination likes to drift off into little daydreams on why. *Shivers* Speaking of crazy, I had the worst nightmare the other night, I can not quite remember it now but it was pretty bad, not sure what that is about but I believe it was about being stalked and hunted by someone. Scary, woke myself up and then it was OK, just those moments right before were horrible and overwhelming. The day is bright, sunny, full of birds chirping and I have spring fever. Yay!!!!

Puuuurrrrrr and Grrrrrrr

"When it is obvious that the goals cannot be reached, don't adjust the goals, adjust the action steps.”
Confucius

“To love a thing means wanting it to live”
Confucius

*La Sigh*
Not sure where this path is taking me.
Not sure what is going to happen.
Pretty sure that it was not what I wanted
but maybe it will be what it was supposed to be.
Just might be seeing the glamour that I placed
being cast off
Just maybe it was not what ytrulyely wanted
just what I thought I heard you say
I created this glamour, this fantasy because I
wanted it.

I'm a bit off

I am a bit off these past few days. So hence the amount of posts have dwindled as of late. So I sit here wondering what the hell. I mean really, "What the Hell!!!". Work has been busy, life has been hectic and erratic. Listening to Nirvana trying to sort my thoughts but they are fast and furious, jumping from subject to subject just like a little mexican jumping bean. The bean is away, she will return tomorrow, missing her strongly. Waiting to see if my heart is broken or elated, happy and sad for a lovely patient, wishing things would slow a bit at work so I can catch up and catch my breath. Wanting to know, loving the spring, feeling alive and numb. Thoughts taking over, but they seem so small and unimportant right now, right here and right at this moment. String at an orange framed duck wondering, What the Hell???IIII As I set this moment ....

If I had to lose a mile
If I had to touch feelings
I would lose my soul
The way I do

I don't have to think
I only have to do it
The results are always perfect
And that's old news

Would you like to hear my voice
Sweetened with emotion
Invented at your birth?

I can't see the end of me
My whole expanse I cannot see
I formulate infinity
And store it deep inside of me
Nirvana
Oh Me

Tripping, stumbling, and falling down

I have tripped, stumbled and fallen down;
and still I get up. I like the fact that I can get up
keep going
Lately I have been searching and trying
to figure it all out. The fact is right now
at this moment I am a bit disappointed,
in myself
for not being where I want
having what I want
but realizing that what I really need
is here.
I need the resources I have provided
myself, I am not ready to give up,
I do not want to trip, stumble or fall down
right now or actually never again
I want to be stronger than when
I have been picked up, or gotten up
I want it all, but I can't have it all.
*La sigh*



Out in the garden
There's half of a heaven,
And we're only bluffing.
We're not ones for busting through walls,

But they've told us
Unless we can prove
That we're doing it,
We can't have it all.

He's gonna wangle
A way to get out of it.
She's an excuse
And a witness who'll talk when he's called.

But they've told us
Unless we can prove
That we're doing it,
We can't have it all.
We can't have it all.

"I caught a glimpse of a god, all shining and bright."

Suddenly my feet are feet of mud.
It all goes slo-mo.
I don't know why I'm crying.
Am I suspended in Gaffa?
Not until I'm ready for you,
Not until I'm ready for you
Can I have it all.

I try to get nearer,
But as it gets clearer
There's something appears in the way,
It's a plank in me eye,

With a camel
Who's trying to get through it,
Am I doing it?
Can I have it all now?

I pull out the plank and say
"Thank you for yanking me back
To the fact that there's
Always something to distract."

But sometimes it's hard
To know if I'm doing it right.
Can I have it all?
Can I have it all now?
We can't have it all.

"We all have a dream...maybe."

Suddenly my feet are feet of mud.
It all goes slo-mo.
I don't know why I'm crying.
Am I suspended in Gaffa?
Not until I'm ready for you,
Not until I'm ready for you
Can I have it all.

I won't open boxes
That I am told not to.
I'm not a Pandora.
I'm much more like

That girl in the mirror.
Between you and me
She don't stand a chance of getting anywhere at all.
Not anywhere at all.
No, not a thing.
She can't have it all.

"Mother, where are the angels? I'm scared of the changes."

Suddenly my feet are feet of mud.
It all goes slo-mo.
I don't know why I'm crying.
Am I suspended in Gaffa?
Not until I'm ready for you,
Not until I'm ready for you
Can I have it all.
-Kate Bush
-Suspended in Gaffa
-The Dreaming

I woke up from my sleep to the sound of that voice
From the words that I heard I had no choice
They told me I had to turn around
My assurance slowly faded down
And I wonder

Will I ever make it home
Will I ever leave the ground
Leave this place so far behind

The plans that I had were quickly destroyed
The problem was one I couldn't avoid
They welcomed me to stay overnight
I'm too tired to complain so i just might
And I wonder

Will I ever make it home
To the place I recognize
Far from here and where I've been
And all the places that I've been shown
Will I ever make it home
Can they keep me here for good
Where I hardly know a soul
And my fear keeps going on

My weariness keeps growing inside
My patience is tarting to subside
And I hope I'll be there soon
It can't be long or I'll fall through

Will I ever make it home
Will I ever leave the ground
Leave this place so far behind
Till there is no turning back
Will I ever make it home
Get to where I wanna be
Find the ones who wait for me
To the place where I belong
Will I ever make it home
-Hill Ingram

Just trying to find my way, just trying to figure it out, just trying......


On a happier note, the bean has reached her twelth birthday. We celebrated with 7 friends and had a sleepover!! Yay, she seemed to enjoy herself and was very happy!!! Yay, I love my bean, she is getting so big.