Hello, New Year

Welcoming in the New Year with the bean and one of her friends. Very excited for we went to make birthday presents for Sunshine and his Mum. Yeah!!! I shall try to post them next week. Late but at least it will not take me months. LOL. I have made no resolutions for the new year, I will just continue to be the best me that I can be. I am excited for this year to begin and am so looking forward to the wonderful things that it will bring to me. I am thinking that this year will be a yummy, wonderful year. Hopefully a bit better for my family and the kittens! Off to make pizza and get out the wine glasses for the girls, no wine for them, some sparkling cider though!!

Happy New Year!!

Puuurrrrrr

All right

I made it through December 29 without any problems, I was a bit anxious but it was OK. Had an evening to myself and indulged in a lovely bath and such. Already cleared off a bit of my desk because I got here very early and hopefully they will let us leave a bit early today. Just took my last antibiotic so hopefully my jaw does not get worse this weekend and cause me great pain. Thank goodness the jaw thing will hopefully be over with by the end of the month. Horrible knowing you got pieces of stuff in your jaw that just sat there for seven years. Blech!!

This morning I am listening to: Until The End of the World Motion Picture Soundtrack. I love the movie but alas it has not been released on DVD yet, until then I listen to the soundtrack which is equally impressive and beautiful.

(I'll Love You) Till the End of the World
Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds
It was a miracle I even got out of Longwood alive,
this town full of men with big mouths and no guts;
I mean if you can just picture it,
the whole third floor of the hotel gutted by the blast
and the street below showered in shards of broken glass,

and all the drunks pouring out of the dance halls
staring up at the smoke and the flames;
and the blind pencil seller waving his stick
shouting for his dog that lay dead on the side of the road;
and me, if you can believe this,
at the wheel of the of the car
closing my eyes and actually praying;
not to God above but to you, saying:

Help me, girl; help me, girl
I'll love you till the end of the world
With your eyes black as coal
and your long dark curls

Some things we plan,
we sit and we invent and we plot and cook up;
others are works of inspiration, of poetry;
and it was this genius hand that pushed me up the hotel stairs
to say my last goodbye
to a hair as white as snow and of pale blue eyes
[saying:]
I gotta go; I gotta go,
the bomb in the bread basket are ready to blow

in this town of men with big mouths and no guts,
the pencil seller's dog, spooked by the explosion,
leaping under my wheels as I careered out of Longwood
on my way to you waiting in your dress,
in your dress of blue

I said:
Thank you, girl; thank you, girl
I'll love you till the end of the world
with your eyes black as coal
and your long, dark curls

and with the horses prancing through the fields,
with my knife in my jeans and the rain on the shield;
I sang a song for the glory of the beauty of you
waiting for me
in your dress of blue

Thank you, girl. Thank you, girl
I'll love you till the end of the world
with your eyes black as coal
and your long, dark curls

Life

Life-The property or quality that distinguishes living organisms from dead organisms and inanimate matter, manifested in functions such as metabolism, growth, reproduction, and response to stimuli or adaptation to the environment originating from within the organism.
The physical, mental, and spiritual experiences that constitute existence

Hmmm, today is December 29, 2005; seven years have passed since this day which seems like a lifetime ago. The day that I lived to see December 30, 1998, not that I remember that day or the subsequent days and months following. I remember being in a lot of pain and taking lots of drugs and bits and pieces of shock trauma but there is still no order to any of it and time seems a bit skewed during that period. I am so very happy that things are the way that they are. I have a beautiful, smart, funny daughter that is growing quickly, a wonderful partner (that gives and brings so much to me) who I love and care for deeply, a place that pays me (though frustrating at times) to do something I really care about, two sweet, loving kittens to greet me in the evenings and life. Some one asked me once what was so great about being alive and what living means my response is: To hear the trees talking to each other in the breeze, the lady walking along by herself that you randomly give a flower to, the smile on someone's face that touches the eyes, running through grass with barefeet, spinning until you are dizzy and fall down, dreaming of all the places that you will experience, touching the lives of others and helping, watching a spider weave a web, seeing the stars on a cold crisp night, these are just a few of the things that living means to me. I at times forget these things and it always seems when I need a bit of inspiration that someone or something nudges these things from the depths of my mind.

Does it ever get easier

I know death, have confronted it, have my own thoughts and feelings about it, so why does it not get easier when it touches your life. We lost a patient yesterday, it is not easy, makes it hard and sad to come to work. The patient does not care he is dead, so why does it make me feel sad. He had lived a full life, full of happiness, sorrow and I am sure many other things, his time had come to finish his tale here. Still knowing all this it makes me feel low, makes it hard to sit here waiting for that next call, because I know there will be another and another and another. It is the nature of this position; funeral homes, police officers, DNR forms, the ending of his tale is where I step in and begin a new chapter of my story. In the grand scheme of things this office is the ending for all the patients that are here. I do everything possible to help them through the winding path of bringing closure to their live and stories. I wonder if the sweet release of death only lasts for minutes or if it is continual, is it really just the chemicals in your brain or is it so much more? I have read a lot about near death experiences and mine did not really resemble too many accounts, is it because chemically my mind works differently? I could not begin to describe in words anything of my experience. I will just mark it as another chapter in a story that will continue for another day.

Crazy

It has been a crazy, busy morning at work. The patient from the previous post will not be here today so I have no worries about that anymore. Although many other patients seem to be having issues this morning. I think maybe the holidays causes them undue stress and that they are unable to handle it physically. I am sitting in my cold little office trying to organize about thirteen clinical trials. I have two more clinical trials to prepare for CRC submission over the week as well, I have plenty to do and I suppose I should start working on the BRAAN submission for said trials. Well the day is flying by, so I am not complaining.

I took the time to read some Jim Carroll this morning. I can not remember the first time I was introduced to Jim Carroll, it has been tucked away in one of those hallways with the door shut tight. I will remember and drag it one of these days, who knows what else is there with it. I just know though that he has been on of my favorite poets for a very long time. I am posting one of his poems here, comment, I would like to know what you think and why! Here it goes, Enjoy!!!!

Love Poem (Later)
for Rise

The little bonus
of my hand on your breast
makes a bus seem so useful
when some rain begins to open.

then cloud waves cracked sun shafts
when the sky began to whistle
and I was thinking about it all night
just watching it move from my eye to my hand.

it's not very meaningless
the changes one makes lying down
it's almost the way a mountain feels
when it becomes a star

"Fear Of Dreaming: The Selected Poems Of Jim Carroll"

Puuurrrrrrr

We had a lovely Christmas but I am glad that it is over. The bean received at least two of the three things she requested from Father Christmas. The first thing on her list was that Merlin have a long happy life, maybe Father Christmas blew some extra winter magic on Merlin when he came to visit, that would make me happy!!!

I had a thought about friends that I know this weekend. I have one friend, the one that was suppose to marry. Well after few months they have split and she will not be marrying. I will once again be taking a small break from this person as she sucks energy. I have had this friend for over twenty years of my life and I do not think she is a "bad" person she just does some things I am uncomfortable with. Everytime she is without a potential boyfriend she calls and wants to suck my energy. She has not come to the point in her life where she realizes she has problems and she is not a victim. I have never been a victim to anyone besides my own self. The problems that I have caused have been my fault and no one else's. I accept that, embrace it and work through it but I realize that it was my fault. I have a harder time with things beyond my control and with problems that result from someone else's mistake that effect me years later. An example of this is the accident, if seven years later I did not have to have surgery on my jaw, my back was not in constant pain and half the teeth in my jaw did not have to be replaced, I would probably be able to move forward and feel better about it all. I never have addressed the anger, pain and fear that the accident caused me. The fact that I was just happy to be alive was enough at that time' now is the time when trying to move past that one defining point in my life that I need to realize that there were other emotions which were never processed. These are the things that I need to focus on for my Wednesday appointment. In order to understand how the chemicals and behaviors have been manipulated I must go back to the point of when everything was lost. Sometimes I feel like I am digging and poking around inside my brain that maybe I will find a diamond and I will be free of all the harm and destruction that I tend to bring upon myself. Anyway my point was, I take responsibility for my actions and blame no one but myself that is something I have realized many people do not do often. That I think is why there are so many lawsuits and crappy people around.

I am so not looking forward to going to work tomorrow morning and dealing with this one patient. I know I must but jeez, she is not a nice person. You would think that in the position she is in that she would take the time to realize that I do not care who she is or how much money she has. She is a patient, I treat everyone the same regardless of social standing. In eighteen months or less she will no longer have a social standing so does it really matter now? I hope she learns how to treat the people that are trying to help her, it would be nice.


Off to sleepy time, to dream of sheep and sunny days!!!!!

Shhhhhhh

The office is quiet, I believe most people have left early for the holidays. The next couple of days should be nice and calm as long as everyone remains calm and listens. I hear the muffled sounds of people moving things past my doors, walking down the hallway and voices wishing everyone "Happy Holidays". Only one more day left before I can sleep in late, wrapped in down and velvet with kittens on the side.

Ohh, shhhh, the silence was broken because I could not read on of my doc's handwriting. Go figure, so now he is coming by to translate. Shhhhh, should not have been thinking out loud. LOL.

Not this morning

I did not want to get up this morning.

I did not want to wake up alone this morning.

I did not want to scold Puck for pulling the ornaments off the tree.

I did not want to wake to Merlin wheezing and having a breathing attack.

I did not want to worry about my Merlin this morning.

I did not want to wait for the bus this morning.

I did not feel like working this morning.

I do not feel like trying to decipher another institutions stats for minority patients this morning.

I do not feel like talking to any patients this morning.

I do not want to figure out the Jewish Holiday Calendar this morning.

I do not feel like trying to speak Hebrew this morning.

Pretty much the only thing I wanted to do this morning was stay all warm and snuggly in bed, dreaming of (definitely not sugarplums *Shivers*)warm Sunshine wrapped all around me.

Alas, poor me. Tee hee!!!

Serenity

.Serenity came to my Sunshine. She is very cute, cuddly and naughty too!! She is waiting for our arrival in CO also. Finally some Serenity.

It has very cold here, I would not mind it so much if it would snow. I do not mean snow/sleet or freezing rain, I have been stomping my foot and pouting my lower lip but it still does not snow. Maybe I should do the Snowflake scene from The Nutcracker, maybe then it would snow. I can not wait to live somewhere where the snow is not all wet and slushy.

Work has been crazy busy, patients are anxious, patients families are anxious and they tend not to listen to anything you say. Ohhh well, I would be anxious as well. I have been working on statistical figures for all the partnering facilities that work with us for one of the groups that support some of the cancer center research. Lots of numbers for only five institutions.

There have been holiday parties, lunches and presents galore. My tree now has an extra five gifts that were not there before this week.

I am excited for Christmas but at the same time slightly upset that Sunshine will not be here nor will we be there. We miss him so very much and are so looking forward to joining him in CO.

My neighbor stopped by this evening for some tea. He brought donuts with him, he is older but had some lovely tales of his days as a young boy during WW II. I love to listen to people tell tales of a lifetime, the glow you see in their eyes as they recall many years like it was yesterday. One day I hope my story will be as exciting and fascinating to someone and they recognize that spark in me.

We are quickly approaching the anniversary of my accident, seven years will have gone by on December 29. I have decided to remember all the positive things that have come from the accident instead of the negative. I am trying to get over it. Ohhh, I said those words now I am in trouble. Tee hee!!!!

I am very sleepy, tired, so off I go to dream the dreams that will inspire me to do .............

Puuurrrrrrrrr

OK, Now

So I have "gotten over it", but that phrase is no longer in use. So, I buried it and will let it rot far away from me. Certain phrases must be removed from my life in order to keep me sane. "Get over it" is one such phrase. Ohhh, there are others that I say that have been removed and buried as well. It is a give and take so I gave that one right back and it is all over now.

I am getting very excited about Christmas!!! Yeah, Christmas, I wish it would hurry and get here already. We are waking up and counting the days until Christmas Eve. The bean is so very excited, which in turn makes me very excited. The only thing that is making me sad is the fact that I miss my sunshine being so far away. Sniffle sniffle but next year will be a family Christmas so that will be a good thing, probably with snow too!!! Yeah, real snow, not wet and messy sorta snow, but real snowman building, snow angels making, and snowball fights snow!!!

GET OVER IT

It is just a feeling, get over it.
Get over it? I suppose that is easy?
Feelings, I suppose those are stupid things that get in the way.
I suppose I should pretend that it does not bother me. Why say anything, I should just deal with and
get over it.
Will not bring it up again, because I have gotten over it.
So there
Take that. I am all over it, and that feeling no longer exists for me.
All over it, all over it, because it just does not matter obviously.


It is Ok because I am so over it. See just like pushing a switch
Ouch, I need a band-aid to put over it because it just does not want me to get over it just yet
That feeler must not have heard and feels broken now. Squished, shattered, smacked possibly maybe not a band-aid but some surgery.
This one might be hard to fix, does not understand how to
GET OVER IT

Anxiety

So I am a bit anxious about Merlin. Like anyone with disease he has good days and bad days. It just stinks because on his bad days I am terrified I will come home and he will be so sick that I must take him in to be put to sleep. This kitten is my baby, he means so much to us and I am so happy that he has done so well for this long but I am in a constant state of anxiety. I take it day by day, giving as much love to him as I can.

Tiny little things

Frataxin is so very very small compared to me and compared to the galaxy I am the size of frataxin. While the precise role of human frataxin remains to be determined, the molecule appears to be involved in regulating the export and/or inport of mitochondrial Fe. These are the things that never cease to amaze me. Fifteen to twenty years ago no one realized that these tiny little bits existed. Theory is all that existed concerning frataxin, now it is put to practical uses and we will eventually determine the role it plays. Interesting. Maybe, someone will one day determine my role in the universe. Tee hee!

Blech, feeling ill

Today was an ill day. I was not well. I am feeling like dirt, that has been snowed on, frozen, plowed and stepped on!!

I am very excited for Christmas, the tree is up, the house decorated and presents purchased!! Yeah! Along with the excitement though comes the anxiety of the days after, over the past six years the end of December has always been pretty craptastic for me. I have decided this year it will not be a bad, as long as my kitten does not die or I do not get run over by a bus!!! I am happy I have had such a good year, a year that has brought about a large growth in issues that have plagued me most of my life. Realizations on the way things are changing for the better, so hopefully the last five days of December will reflect that these changes have been positive, or maybe it will not! Who knows, not me, that's for sure!!!

Off to nap some more and get well, so I can go back to the hospital and pick up more germs. Yeah, for germs and pathogens!!! They are my favorite little invaders.

Loon

I had a patient call the other day, she thinks she is a loon. I assured that I do not think she is a loon but what do I know? Not a thing, I know that she faces a very difficult path ahead of her and that she should be as loony as she would like to be!!!

This morning I received a wonderful compliment from one of my Drs., I guess during the clinical faculty meeting some lovely things were said about me and he thought that I should be aware of how much everyone appreciates the work I do. Made me feel wonderful and a little guilty for blogging when I should be working. Tee hee!

I think this weekend my sunshine did and said some things that really made me feel so special and loved. He has given so much more than anyone else in my life (with the exception of my bean)and sometimes I am not always sure how to put these things into words or conversations so I thought I would put it here. I am putting that moment here, because I know eventually he will read this. He is very special, important and wonderful to me, he listens to me, is patient with me and tries so hard to understand the delicate balance of the path I walk. It has been a bumpy path where I have tried to be everything to everyone, forgetting myself at times along the way. Through this he has stood by my side and has been the only positive influence, he reminds me to look forward to the future and not to dwell in the past because really I do that during therapy and sometimes it takes weeks for me to filter through all the residual fears and emotions that I encounter during those sessions. I so look forward to the time when our paths are together because it really is quite passionate and wonderful. I feel at home when he is near me and it just feels right.

Back to work now

Puurrrrrrr

XXX

In between

I find myself in between two emotions right now. Happy and sad. I am happy in regards to the past six days,sad because those six days are over, happy that things are progressing but sad because it seems so far away. The fluctuation is very overwhelming to me, happy/elated/sad and low going in cycles about every 20-30 minutes. I suppose things will be OK in a few days as the house returns to our normal state of affairs but until then, I will be in between, in flux, laughing and crying at the same time counting down the days until my family is together again. I think the people I work with want to give me some Zoloft and make me a bubbly, happy face today!

That time

You know the time between falling asleep and dreaming, the time when you are not quite aware of the sounds but they filter through to your thoughts a bit. That is the time last night when laying next to you, I realized how much you mean to our lives. The past few days have been so very yummy and beautiful. They mean so much to me and I look forward to the time when I wake next to you every morning. The sound of you sleeping next to me, the breathing, the warmth of your body and the whisper of the sheets as you settle yourself into slumber. I woke briefly to watch you and am filled with desire. Desire to have you smile at me, desire to have your hand in mine walking down the street, desire of having your arms around me in Starbuck's, and the desire to wrap myself around you. You are beautiful and precious to me and I desire a life with you. It is that time, that time when it is clear to me.

Puurrrrrrr

XXX

Dragging

Have you ever noticed when you are waiting for something how slowly the day proceeds. I have mucho amounts of work but they morning is moving so slow. Seconds, minutes, hours move like molasses. This morning blew, late buses, grumpy gus's, cold morning and wet hair= an unhappy faery. Angry research nurses, attending physician and impatient me= an anxious, nervous faery. I guess I should be working on the gizillion things that need to be done before departing for four days but alas, I have no desire to even touch the 16 piles all over my office. Is it 4:30 yet? No? Well, darn!!!!!!!!

On a side note things have been very stressful lately with family interactions. I am tired and worn out just from trying to cope with them. It will be nice to have a brief holiday away from them. I love them but I do not much like them. That is really sad. **Sigh**

The night before

The night before he comes to visit is filled with anticipation. Anticipation of warm hugs, sensual kisses and lovely sighs. I am so excited to have four days to share with him and look forward to his arrival. I am excited ......

People in my day

So today was interesting, this an account of the people in my life and how it effects me. The first people I saw this morning besides my beautiful bean are the people I ride the bus with. They are the same people I see pretty much every morning five days a week. They are pleasant group of people. I like them one of the ladies works down at the University in the nephrology dept. She is quirky but funny like a little elf. The next people I encountered was the ladies that care for my bean in the morning before school. They are older ladies and very sweet! I really liked hearing about their Thanksgiving. The next person in my day was Dr. E, he picked me up right outside the school and gave me a ride to work. He is really great, nice to work for, he made the comment once that I am one of three people that makes his day at work. What a nice compliment! Upon arriving I work I had a chance to catch up with Michelle, Dr E's NP, she is a wonderful, sweet person. Pretty, great personality and an overall a caring person. We then encountered Ruth, the research RN, she is a beautiful person as well, she unfortunately was the bearer of bad news. JK was a nurse that work for Dr. E's research team, a little over a year ago she was diagnosed with cancer. After a long tough battle she finally let go on Thanksgiving morning. The last few months were the most difficult for her and she was in so much pain. I am glad I was able to know her, she was an amazing being and through most of her fight she was so strong and positive. I hope she has found her way to the meadow to play with the fae! Through out the day I interacted with many other people but these are the people that have touched me today and I am thankful and happy that they are moments in my life. While on my way home, reflecting on the moral and ethical issues of assisted suicide for terminally ill people, the bus driver started doing a little dance with his hands, I looked up at him and smiled. In that smile I saw an older black gentleman that had life. His smile lit up the bus and he made me think that it is the little things that people do that make living so worthwhile. A smile, a dance and the jig of life!!

Upon my arrival home my friend Ann called, she stopped by and had coffee. She was very patient and endured listening to a phone call from my father. That my friends is a whole tale in and of itself. Consisting of childhood memories, not the best ones either, and drawn out arguments that make no sense to anyone let alone me. Anyway, I think I have been disowned, at least for the weekend, due to a difference of opinion and being true to myself. I never have understood why someone can not look at themselves and not see what a hypocrite they are. I live a simple life, I have strived to be true to myself and the people that I surround myself with, I have no desire to be around a negative, ugly, angry person that does not want to live outside the life they created. Narrow-minded, stubborn and unable to see any other point of view. I tried to explain certain ideas I have on how my life should be but it was ignored. Eh, oh well.

Speaking to crstfr on the phone and awaiting for Thursday to arrive. I can not wait to see him. I might just burst but that might be messy and then who would clean up the mess? I so love this man and what he offers me sometimes I wonder how he puts up with all the extra poo and still seems to think I am wonderful. I am a force of nature after all, a force of nature that must go dream of sheep to be prepared for all the people in my day tomorrow!

Ahhhh, better

So I woke up this morning and yesterdays despair has disappeared. I am in a great mood. Maybe I just needed some sleep. Today is going to be a lovely day. I received a highlight for a photo on my moblog which made me feel good. My house is almost in order and I shall commence hanging Christmas lights today. I will probably be one of the houses that hangs lights as most my neighbors practice orthodox Judaism. My neighbors are all quite lovely and pleasant and there is basically no crime but I think I might miss the festive lights of the season. I am so very excited for Christmas and hopefully we will have some snow!!! Hard to believe how quickly the year is passing. In seven months we shall be on our way to the new city to which we shall reside. The East coast will be far behind us and we will be heading West! Yeah!!!!

Sometimes

Sometimes I just want to yell and scream
throw my hands up in the air
Just scream "FORGET IT"
all of it
Why do I bother?
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, I hate all of this sometimes!!
Venting, I can not wait until Wednesday.
I think I am having some sort of anxiety attack, not like anyone cares
but me
I think I might call the soul dentist
I just need to talk but no one is around
ahhh, I will call my twin. That might work.
at least she understands
me

Ohhhhh, bad mood

I am in a craptastic mood, why you ask? Well just because. I can not put my finger on it. I feel angry. I had an OK Thanksgiving, food was nice but I think I was not where I wanted to be. I did not want to be in a certain place just with a special someone. It mad me angry that I was not where I wanted to be. It also makes me sad. I want, I want, I want nothing that can be bought, nothing that is seen, I just want. Does that make me greedy? No, I do not think so. I want to be held, coddled at times, snoggled, you get the point! I want to be away from here, not that I do not like here. I have a nice place to live, a lovely daughter, two silly kittens, a great job and a family that drives me insane. Quite literally insane. I have probably one of the most dysfunctional families I have ever seen. I know there are worse families but communication in my family stinks. You can not speak freely without being yelled at or ignored. I do not want to surround myself with these things. The negativity chokes you at all times. I can not breath at all. I feel like I am gasping for air and trying scream what life means but it just gets lost in the echoes of my own head. No one here to listen anyway not that they do even when I speak. Anyway that I guess is why I am in a craptastic mood. All those things rolled up make me anxious and feeling low, insecure and small. I wanted things to be different after all the work I have put into my life, relationships and communications. I know I can not change anyone but if they would just look and realize that I am different and I have worked so hard to make these changes maybe I would feel better. Life moves, today I am just treading water while it flows by me.

Memories

Last week a box was returned to me that I have not seen in about 11 years. Inside I found some wonderful memories. Memories are funny things for me. I concentrate so much on recovering the ones that have been lost to fix me that I think at times I have overlooked the ones that are beautiful and wonderful. In the box were toys of the beans that she played with as a wee lass. Books that she loved when she was about 18 months old, letters received from friends from when I was 20, a painting that was painted for me, pictures of the bean from when she was so little. All in all good memories from a mind that has forgotten so much. The memories come easier now, not as much work to bring them forth but reliving the trauma associated with some is difficult. The beautiful ones made my heart swell and made me very happy. I guess it balances out but I need to remember I suppose that things are not always as bad as they seem and I am becoming a better person because of all of the work that is going into this. It at times seems very dream-like and surreal.

Purrrrrr.

Pain

The left side of my face has decided to swell up again. I look like I have a golf ball hanging off the side of my face. Attractive I know. I am in so much pain, I am waiting for the Dr. to return my call and the minutes are dragging. Stupid bus, stupid ##*&$$**@^$$%^ bus!! Stupid doctor, stupid ###@%%^&*(&&^%##@%^ doctor. All I can say is this stinks!!! Someone give me some pain relief please!!!!!!!!!! It also made me have bad dreams last night. Things I will not go into right now but they sucked so now I am in pain, not well rested, feeling slightly tweaked and having bad thoughts pass through my mind. Arrrgggghhhhhhhhhhh!

Human beings

Human beings are funny creatures. I notice a large majority of folks care little for others except the people in their family or friendships. I have noticed that few people actually care about anything outside of their universe. I meet very few people that ever do any random acts of kindness. I suppose I expect too much from the masses. I know someone who has a family here, he makes good money, has a decent life and I have always respected him because he is just a really caring person in general. I found out earlier this year that beyond this his family owns a successful orchard in a foreign country, the proceeds for this do not go to his family he donates all the proceeds to a village school for supplies, teacher salaries, and building maintenance. This man is someone I like to be around, these are the people I choose to associate with at this point in my life. I want people like this in my life, it inspires me to look beyond the ordinary everyday trials that I have and puts them in perspective. On Friday, I had a patient call me to thank me for everything I had helped him with, the thing that really "got" me is how the little bit of time I spent working on helping this person was not hard. I did what I would want someone to do for me in that situation. Have people gotten so numb that they are unwilling to help regardless of situation. It made me feel good to know that this little thing that I did made this patient so happy and it made my day that this person felt the need to call me and thank me. There are so many important things in life that have so little to do with the focuses that many people seem to have. I want everything that money can not buy me, I want love, laughter, happiness, tears, joy, sorrow, feelings, to help people and health. Money does not provide any of that and I guess that is what is sometimes forgotten. I hope to never forget that and to continue to help in whatever way I can to anyone that needs it. People make mistakes, I have made many, but I have few regrets as I learn more about who I am, what potential I have and what I can do. I have been touched by so many people this past year that I am so happy to have known an so happy that they randomly showed me all the traits that I thought many human beings have lost. I think I shall pass this along and do some random acts of kindness during the week just to return some of what has been given to me!!

Self

I am working on self this week and finding a way to define my self. It should be an interesting project with many facets attached to it. I am trying to figure out the best medium for me to express my[self] in which it is easier to break down some blocks and walls that have been erected inside my head. It is not easy to define self to your[self]. We shall see what comes up and how I cope with seeing my[self] in a different perspective. That's it. All I have right now as work ha been crazy and I am exhausted.

Road Rash

In the road
Yellow lines
Double to single
Face the line
shoe lost, clothes gone
tubes in
flat on the board
dreaming, dreaming of a place
Asphalt peices, lodged in what is left of my face
The mirror always lied to me
I laugh
I cry
over the road rash that scars my
face

Skin

Skin
Streched and taunt
or is it
Taut and tense
There is some flesh left
Blood
Pumping
pulling through
Tubes
Eyes are moving
in
my
head
Skin
Bruised and
Gone

Hoo Hum

Feeling low today, low energy, very tired
basically annoyed all day.
Dropped a directory on my cup of soda today.
ended up with soda all over my desk
my desk had papers all over it
then it had soda and lots of wet papers
thankfully none of the important ones got wet
Finished up a letter of intent I have been trying to get done
for weeks
Many patient issues today.
One of my favorite prostate cancer patients
now has progressed
His wife wanted me to send her the report
She could not tell by my voice if it was good news or bad news
I could not read it and know without telling her so I closed the report
I would not read the report until I spoke to the Dr.
I can not tell her, luckily it is not my job to crush her.
Sad sometimes but I have so much hope and desire to make things the best
that they can be for them for as long as I can
Felling low, tomorrow will be better

Interesting

Came across this photographer that decided to do a two year long project on sex machines and the makers of said devices. I have put a link to his blog, you should check it out it is cool.

http://thesexmachinebook.blogspot.com/


Enjoy!!!

The Child Within

My voice has a quiver.
That's where you store the arrows
Before you shoot

My voice sings deeper than
It speaks. Some people
Hear tears hidden in the words
I say.

I'm not afraid of, say, swarms
Of locust. When I want to weep, I do.
It's no different than pissing.

Some nights I can feel
My voice melting down
In greenish layers, & luminescent
Like a plutonium cough drop.

At times I use my voice
To laugh
In order to prove
I am a man.

Once I whacked out my voice
With a two-by-four
So the fruit would grow
Faster on the plum tree
Beside the house.
I would utter a phrase
Any phrase--it wasn't like a chant,
No ebb nor flow

And when it was about
Two and half feet in front of me
I would swing the wood
And just beat the living crap
Out of whatever I said.

Jim Carroll
Void of Course

I decided it was time to be a redhead again because I thought it would be fun. So I laughed as the sun hit my red, red locks.

She causes Trouble

Trouble
Oh trouble set me free
I have seen your face
And it's too much too much for me

Trouble
Oh trouble can't you see
You're eating my heart away
And there's nothing much left of me

I've drunk your wine
You have made your world mine
So won't you be fair
So won't you be fair

I don't want no more of you
So won't you be kind to me
Just let me go where
I'll have to go there

Trouble
Oh trouble move away
I have seen your face
And it's too much for me today

Trouble
Oh trouble can't you see
You have made me a wreck
Now won't you leave me in my misery

I've seen your eyes
And i can see death's disguise
Hangin' on me
Hangin' on me

I'm beat, i'm torn
Shattered and tossed and worn
Too shocking to see
Too shocking to see

Trouble
Oh trouble move from me
I have paid my debt
Now won't you leave me in my misery

Trouble
Oh trouble please be kind
I don't want no fight
And i haven't got a lot of time

Cat Stevens

Sometimes I am in a mood to start Trouble, not large amounts of Trouble, nothing that would get me in Trouble but Trouble just the same.

I wonder what she would do if I threw out all the useless hurt and pain she has caused by her manipulations and lies. I wonder what she would do if she really understood what she has done to all three of us. I wonder how I would feel if I tried. I am so angry at times but why would I want to cause anyone that pain. I wonder how she would feel about causing me pain, I do not think she would care because until it effects her it does not exist. I am sad, hurt and angry at her and yet still afraid to hurt her feelings because I am better than that. I am dealing with the sins of my mother and she does not even acknowledge that they exist. Pointless to approach her.....Pointless to try to talk about reality with her.... I have decided my mother has lost her mind!

Ok then

Not going to talk about myself on this post. It is boring anyway so here are the topics of the day.

Maryland MTA

Shadow Boy

Let me start with Maryland MTA. MTA recently did a huge overhaul of it's system to make it more reliable, better routes, better schedules, blah, blah, blah. Well the people at MTA must be idiots. They have made the bus system even more of a mess then it was prior to the changes. You are lucky if a bus even shows up now. Let me tell you, the folks that run the administrative offices are something too. You, John Q. Public, are not allowed to have the number to the administrations offices. No one seems to have that number, seems you have to go through the switch board then they send you in great big circles. I am overwhelmingly happy to see my tax dollars and fare going to such great use.

Shadow Boy belongs to many different message boards but it seems he posts all the same things on like six of them. They have not altered in the past 6 months, the same things over and over again, just like his women. I am starting to see a cycle here. Surprising though I thought maybe he had some good points but now realize he is just as much of a shadow of a person. He has officially stopped having any creative thought that might have once been in that head. Could be the amount he smokes up and drinks too, who knows,

Well I am going to talk about myself now, but this is my blog so it is acceptable. Lately I have had some conflicting information, the question is do I follow what could be intuition and figure out a solution or am I just being anxious as I do tend to obsess over things a bit. Hmmm, it is extremely frustrating and tiring trying to figure this all out.

Enough for now

Urrrghhhhhh, Monday

Today is Monday and it really feels like a Monday too. I was about 45 minutes late for work this morning. They really do not say anything to me about being late because I am rarely late at all, but I care. It messes my whole morning up especially when I am trying to accomplish a bunch of things.

The left side of my jaw has swollen up once again. Infection has set in once again, I suppose it could be worse considering the reasons for it swelling up. I really should be quite grateful that I do not have more problems associated with the accident but really it has been almost seven years can we just stop with the mouth things and back stuff already. Had I known that the dental and mouth pain would be so severe I would have told them to replace all my teeth and not rewire them back in. I am really dreading this debris removal, it is going to hurt, I am curious as to what they will find though. The last thing to come out was a piece of glass and it probably will be better than trying to let the stuff work itself out that was painful. Maybe they should just amputate my head . . . .

Work has been crazy busy this morning so at least my Monday is flying by. I must now go check the bus schedule as the MTA has so royally screwed me with the new schedules and route changes. I would love to invite the person who changed all the routes and time tables to ride the bus with me for one day, just one and then maybe they would realize how craptastic their services really are.

Hope everyone else's was better than mine has been so far, at least it is not raining like they said it would, it is beautiful and sunny that is a great thing on this cruddy Monday.

So sad

At work today getting stuff ready for medical records I came across all my grandfathers paperwork. It has made me sad as I miss him. I wish I could have had a little bit of good time with him before he expired. I wish the quality of life at the end had not been so horrible. I know that it was better that it happened sooner than later and as I have said before that 1-2 weeks earlier would have been much better but I do not think I got to say what I needed to say in the end. Ohh well, I suppose it is selfish of me anyway since it was ending not mine. Just a little sad reading through all the notes and such.......
Sniffle, sniffle

Reflections

Can you tell me about yourself
I am partial to life without
How long have you wanted this
How do I say this
I've always wanted this
What are your weaknesses

Where in ten can you see yourself
I remark, "To the tenth without."
How much can you benefit
How do I say it
I always benefit
What are your weaknesses

What are your weaknesses
I won't pass you by

It's autumn, love
You're better for the several of us
You group it and your group it
But it's autumn, love

-Mates of State

Mmmmmm, just listening to Mates of State and working. Love this song, makes me feel wonderful. Still reflecting on various things.

Reflection....... Stem Cell Research- Due to morality and ethical issues the United States is quite far behind in this type of research. This is a sad, sad thing because politics should not be involved in the regulation of science. I believe regulations and codes to protect it's citizens from harm is acceptable but to out right deny funding for something that could save many lives is not in the best interest of the people.

Next reflection ....... Supreme Courts involvement in Oregon's state law on the right to die. I feel that if the Federal government would like to tell the state(s) how to run it's state medical boards and regulate the type of care you receive from physicians then maybe we should have a unified health care plan run by the feds. Until they can offer this to their citizens, lower health care fraud, cut the amount of malpractice suits, etc; then the feds should just stay out of it. Besides I believe that if I am terminal with less than six months to live would like to have that right to decide what is best for me.

I find it disheartening while trying to teach my daughter of the importance of the Constitution and government that the current state of affairs is a complete and total disaster.

Who am I kidding?????? The government wants to tell me how to do everything from the morals I should have to the type of healthcare I receive. Disgusting!!!!!!!

Enough rambling, more work!!!!

Thoughts.....

Over the week I have been thinking.... Yes, I know it is hard to believe. LOL. My sister came down from New York this weekend and I had some interesting conversations regarding my family. All I can say is Colorado seems like a better and better idea everyday. Along with the question is what do I want to do, moving to Colorado will definitely free up some time and so I feel that I need to do something different. For a few years I have been tossing around the idea of learning how to make stained glass pieces. I feel this is something that I would like to do, maybe even more than like. I suppose I will not know until I try and since I am a an employee of the state in which I live, at a rather large educational facility, I am allowed to take classes for free. After reviewing the schedule for classes I have decided that I am submitting my paperwork for the spring semester for stained glass. The materials will run about 200 for the class but I think it is well worth the investment.

So more thoughts turn towards relationships, not mine I might add, I have a friend that has known the significant other for a short period of time. In giving the history of most of the relationships this person has been in, I find it hard to think that this person would even think that marriage is a good idea and try to have me agree that this is best for them. Why not live together for a few years first, why must the marriage be done so quickly. This person is supposedly not religious, so that is not the excuse, but if it is meant to be then this person could wed in two or three years. I think that makes sense but obviously we have decided to disagree. I am so sick of hearing about it though and cringe and recoil every time I hear the word fiance. I guess that is my problem not theirs but I was asked to participate in the ceremony and have not figured out a graceful way out of it yet. I will call this one "Airhead", that was all I could associate with this person, full of air and not much else. Though I guess being fat, comfortable and married might just be the thing for her.

More thoughts.... At times I feel so easily hurt and bruised. I do not know why, I am just sensitive to the world I think. I am tired of people for the most part. Sick of war, tired of people fighting and really tired of people dying. It is hard to be surrounded by people who want to try to cure people only to walk out of these doors and see people trying to harm one another. Makes me feel a little sick at time too.

More thoughts.......The reason everything is so crappy in the world right now is because nature is trying to tell us we are messing things up in a big way. I just blame it all on Bush. As I point my finger to the south and say, "He did it, all these hurricanes and natural disasters are all his fault" or maybe it is all a conspiracy, The Illuminati, is behind it all. Tee hee.

More thoughts...........I have a friend that has dated a few women and I have come to the conclusion that he dates the same woman over and over again only in different bodies. He has this pattern of doing pretty much the same things with each woman, i.e. going to the same places that he took the others, doing the same things with each, listening o the same music; OK you get the point. Does it mean that he just really likes doing these things or is he trying to recreate something each time? I do not know why. He is another one that is engaged within a year of meeting this person. Interesting .... I would never want to do that, I never want to be the shadow of the person before me. Yuck. Having shadows lurking around is not my idea of fun. I shall refer to this person as the "Keeper of Shadows". Very spooky is it not. Bwwwaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhaaaaaaahhhhhh

My goodness I would hate to think what people would write about me and what little nicknames I have. I have one that I really love Solnushka, it seems to not be uttered as often as I would like but it does titillate me and gives me the warm fuzzies.

I feel a little off today, you know the feeling you get, when something just seems off? Well, that would be me. I am not sure what the cause of this is but I think it makes me feel very much like there is something going on that I can not put my finger on. Maybe it was the flu shot I had yesterday or the lovely hormone shot that I received this morning, I suppose that could be it but I am not quite sure. Instinct or OCD, I have not decided yet. I suppose if I am to know then it will present itself soon enough.

Shadows

I am the opposite of you
You battle your mean spirit
I'm suffering through my own
You answer to no one
I don’t know what that’s like
I honestly don’t know what that’s like

We quit making out to attend this meeting
With old ladies on tremendous amounts of coke
And reeling, I hear my bad voice call
My wayward brain reels
My easily distracted brain reels

Head full of
Climbing mercury
Climbing mercury
Climbing mercury
Climbing mercury

I am a complement to you
We park in the shade
And somehow equate that with dealing
I hope I don't stomp on your heart
I know what that's like
Believe me, I know what that's like

Head full of
Climbing mercury
Climbing mercury
Climbing mercury
Climbing mercury

Throwing Muses-Mercury

Throwing Muses has been a part of my life for over 17 years. I first encountered them at the age of 18. Throwing Muses have carried me through some of the happiest and saddest parts of my life. The reason I believe is I am a Loon and quite possibly a funny woman; many times these songs as well as Kristin Hersh's solo music make sense to me. They have a tendency to touch me and make me feel that maybe in this universe there are people that are just as crazy and loony as I.

Now I know why
You are the way you are
You’ll see the air
The tactful past

Which is more forgiving
Than these last moments

We are the last of your faithful, well, friends
We love the crash that accompanies epiphany

You don’t have low self esteem
You don’t have any self esteem at all

You float around, don’t touch the ground
What little confidence you had
Is melting away

We are the last of your faithful, well, friends
We love the crash that accompanies epiphany

I refuse to lose control
You do look handsome under wal-mart lights though...

Throwing Muses-Epiphany
The older I become the more I love the music.

Puurrrrrr

XXX

Cold weather, lots of work and limited time

Ahhhh-
Cold weather. Grey and damp. I liked it for about the first two days now I would like some moderate nice autumn weather. I have been busting my little wings at work. Patient calls are long and involved this week. The manuscript I have been helping one of the residents with is finally done. I need like eighteen more cups of coffee just to drag my tired and sore body out of my snug bed enclosed in velvet. Puuurrrrrrrrr. Could I just stay in bed for one day? NO running around just have some sunshine rub my tootsies and ......
Hmmmmmm..........
I need like 4 more hours in the day to accomplish everything I want to do and need to get done. I am not greedy, just 4 more hours, ohhh but now thinking about that they, yes those people, would just find more ways to add more hours to my work day without paying me anymore. Although, working for the state is kind of like being paid to do nothing for some people, not me though, I have plenty to do like blogging, surfing the internet, oopppssss... just kidding. I work really hard and I suppose that is why I am so tired (besides staying up until 11 and getting up at 4).

Enough silliness, Time to go-

Puuurrrrrr

XXX

I know nothing

Information is not knowledge-
Einstein

Yesterday I discovered something that I suppose I was aware of all along but have never really applied to me, myself or I. I am just me, I do not need to be anyone or anything other than that. The people that love me and like me do just because I am who I am. For years, I struggled to be someone, something that other people thought I should be. This is what started this thinking pattern- I was reading a "friends" site yesterday and happened upon a bio. I have known this person for half of my life and must say that I realized that my friend is living in achievements that never happened and the dishonesty and misrepresentation has really upset me. I have questioned, "Do I want this deception in my life when I strive to be only who I am no more no less?" My achievements and failures have made me who I am to this day but they are in the past and though I have learned from them I realize I must move forward with who I am and what I am. The interesting thing is just because you have information does not mean that it is something you can actually understand. It is thrown out like you are aware of what you are speaking when you really have no idea what it really means or how to apply it. I know nothing and so therefore I never can definitively state something when pretty much everything is nothing. I have come to the conclusion that with the misapplied information, misrepresentation, perceptions and realities in which this person dwells I am unable to remain in contact with this person to provide myself with an understanding that this is not the way or path of my life at this time. I would also like to thank this person for providing the realization that the people I am surrounded myself with only care that I am well and doing the things that bring me joy and happiness. These are the people I choose to allow entrance into my life.

Today in 1849

Written by Poe, the second was just days before his death. Where his body in interred now. After being moved a few times.

Every year many people stop to place flowers today and what a rainy, gloomy day it was.

Puuurrrrr

XXX

Edgar Allan Poe

This morning as I walked past Westminster Hall, I realized that we are fast approaching Edgar Allan Poe's expiration date from this world. Flowers, wreaths and various arrangements have been placed by his tombstone. His wife's and mother-in-laws remains are also interred there. I really do find Westminster Hall and it's catacombs quite beautiful and since I am able to walk by it every day it brings a little smile to my face. I love the fact that 158 years after expiring people still preserve the memory of one of my favorite authors. In fact, every year on October 7 someone places a bottle of cognac and three roses on the site. This person is referred to as The Poe Toaster.

The photo are others interred at Westminster Hall, Poes will be posted on Oct 7, 2005.

She wakes, feet on the cold floor, walking in search of....
something....
something...
Hot, sweating, she has forgotten what she was in search of but walks outside into the cool, crisp morning.
Stars and planets bright against the black morning sky.
As she looks up thinking, suddenly awake she remembers that she is searching
and remembers what she thought she had lost really is there and has been all along.
The nightmares and horrible dreams just enforce this theory, idea, concept that those things are just hidden in dark corridors of a dusty mind.

Sometimes...
Sometimes....
maybe it is better to forget.

Pondering

I wonder, ponder, reflect
reflect and ponder some more
thinking, thinking, thinking.......
too much.
obsessing a little
working it out of my system
trying not to think bad thoughts
There is a song by X
I must not think bad thoughts.*
I should listen to that song. It helps me to not think bad thoughts.
Just typing it makes me feel better. See I am not thinking bad thoughts because I must not think bad thoughts.
Better thoughts, need to stop thinking, maybe that will help.
Then the bad thought comes back because most people suck.
Maybe......
I am going to go outside and not think bad thoughts but ponder on some happy ones because you leave me breathless**

Puuuurrrrrr
XXX

*the facts we hate well never meet walking down the road everybody yelling "hurry up, hurry up!" but im waiting for you i must go slow i must not think bad thoughts when is this world coming too both sides are right but both sides murdered i give up why cant they i must not think bad thoughts the civil wars and the uncivilized wars conflagrations leap out of every poor furnace the food cooks poorly and everyone goes hungry from then on its dog eat dog dog eat body & body eat dog i cant go down there i cant understand it im a no good coward & an american too a north american that is not a south of a central or a native american oh i must not think bad thoughts im guilty of murder of innocent men innocent women innocent children thousands of them my planes my guns my money my soul my blood on my hands its all my fault i must not think bad thoughts i must not think bad thoughtsthe facts we hate youll never hear us i hear the radio its finally gonna play new music you know the british invasion but what about the minutemen fleasheaters doa big boys and the black flag were the last american bands to get played on the radio please bring the flag? please bring the flag! glitter-disco-synthesizer night school all the noble savage drum drum drum astronauts go back in time to hang out with the cave people its about time its about space its about some people in the strangest places woody guthrie sang about b-e-e-t-s not b-e-a-t-s i must not think bad thoughts i must not think bad thoughts the facts we hate


**now if you love me please don't tease if i can hold well then let me squeeze my heart goes round & round my love comes tumblin down you leave me ahhhh breathless ahhhh well i shake all over and you know why im sure its love honey it aint no lie cause when you call my name i know i burn like a wooden flame you leave me so breathless ahhhh oooohhhhhh baby your driving me crazy your much too much i can not love you enough its alright hold me tight when you love me love me right come on baby now don't be shy this love was meant for you and i wind rain sleet of snow im gonna getcha wherever you go you leave me so breathless ahhhh ooohhh baby your driving me crazy your much too much i cannot love you enough its alright hold me tight when you love me love me right come on baby now don't be shy this love was meant for you and i wind rain sleet or snow i'm gonna getcha wherever you go you have left me so breathless ahhhh
Breathless-X

Dreams from a lifetime ago sometimes come back to haunt you. Why is it that the dreams and aspirations from so long ago are the hardest to sometimes deal with? I love the dreams that I once had and the fact that I was able to achieve a certain amount of success but I feel I could do so much more with what I have achieved. Lately I feel the urge to do more dancing and I have not quite figured out how to obtain this goal with work and school. I want so much out of life sometimes I can not figure out how to fit it all into a schedule that accommodates everything. I am only one person and can only do so much. I suppose the problem may be solved once we move to Colorado and I have more me time. The wait sometimes is intolerable. I love my work, I love the things I do with the beanstalk but I need to find more time to do the things that I want to do. Something worth pondering I suppose ........

Puuurrrrrrr


XXX

This morning

This morning I should be working. Granted I have come to work but alas I am slacking off somewhat. I did take a phone message and flagged a bunch of documents for signatures, that is work. Right.... I am daydreaming and drinking coffee, it is Friday after all. I have decided to listen to some music while I pretend to do some work. This morning choice: They Might Be Giants from Severe Tire Damage 1998. I love They Might Be Giants, I have been listening to them since I was 16. I think that is a sign of a great band. I still enjoy the old and new stuff. My daughter loves their music as well a band that can entertain young and old is definitely a sign of overwhelming talent. They bring such joy and happiness to me as I sit here NOT WORKING!!! LOL. This song reminds me so much of a certain someone, you know who you are, call me later and sing me this song because it makes me giggle.

The sun is a mass of incandescent gas
A gigantic nuclear furnace
Where hydrogen is built into helium
At a temperature of millions of degrees

Yo ho, it's hot, the sun is not
A place where we could live
But here on earth there'd be no life
Without the light it gives

We need it's light
We need it's heat
We need it's energy
Without the sun, without a doubt
There'd be no you and me

The sun is a mass of incandescent gas
A gigantic nuclear furnace
Where hydrogen is built into helium
At a temperature of millions of degrees

The sun is hot

It is so hot that everything on it is a gas: iron, copper, aluminum, and many others.

The sun is large

If the sun were hollow, a million earths could fit inside. and yet, the sun is only a middle-sized star.

The sun is far away

About 93 million miles away, and that's why it looks so small.

And even when it's out of sight
The sun shines night and day

The sun gives heat
The sun gives light
The sunlight that we see
The sunlight comes from our own sun's
Atomic energy

Scientists have found that the sun is a huge atom-smashing machine. the heat and light of the sun come from the nuclear reactions of hydrogen, carbon, nitrogen, and helium.

The sun is a mass of incandescent gas
A gigantic nuclear furnace
Where hydrogen is built into helium
At a temperature of millions of degrees

Scientists have found that the sun is a huge atom-smashing machine. the heat and light from the sun come from the nuclear reaction between hydrogen, nitrogen, helium, carbon, boron, chloron, flu
Moron, and estrogen.

Puuurrrrr


XXX

What's going on?

Well here is what has been going on lately:
I have passed into my 35th year of life as of Friday, September 23, 2005.
Had a lovely weekend full of rest and fun full of Sunshine
and as of Monday evening went back to the real world of work, school and everything that goes along with it.
Seems that when I take a few days off that the amount of work makes the first three or four days go by very quickly.
My work days seem to go by very quickly to begin with so this makes them go by at the speed of light. So much too do, who would have thought that things would be so fast paced at a cancer center. Ohh well that is life and I kind of like the fact that when I have off or am not working I am not expected to do anything. I think this is the first position I have held that I do not get phone calls, urgent messages or anything like that during my time off. I really like the doctors also. As a matter of fact the whole reason I was able to bask in the glow of Sunshine this weekend was because my doc is very thoughtful. He had a free ticket so he gave it to me, nice, makes me feel really appreciated as well. Not much going on in this world of mine just making through the rest of the week full of studying, tests and running around as usual.

Time and change

I suppose the time has come to start incorporating some of my past issues with some of my future goals. Melting everything together to form a whole me. In so far I have come up with one thing in my past which though it brought me great pleasure it also helped shape and define many of my problems. The fact is I allowed myself to become so engrossed in this one particular thing that it consumed my life and never allowed me to have any basis in anyone's reality but my own. Allowing myself to enter the world of dance, ballet in particular, is an OCD wet dream. Plain and simple the dance world is OCD in a nutshell. Pretty sad actually that something one loves so much can be so destructive and devastating to ones life and send you into a spiral for years after. In the next few weeks my task is to find a "thing" I want to do. I have chosen to start dancing again but only for fun. I ask myself, "Can I do it just for fun?", as of yet I have not answered that question (because if you answer your questions when speaking to yourself then you are really crazy). I only know that for years I have missed it. The joy, satisfaction, the feeling and the release is something I at times long for. I will try it, if it is too much I will not continue but I am so excited to be able to come to the conclusion that it is not the dancing that is wrong, it was I that have been off and wrong. I will be dancing purely for the love of it not for anyone or anything else. It is elating and satisfying all at once. Maybe by confronting and dealing with this demon of mine I will be able to deal with other demons of mine and form better relationships and communicate more easily in other aspects of my life as well.

Puuurrrrrrrrrr

XXX

Growing

I find it absolutely amazing that my daughter is growing into her own person. I knew it would happen but it seems to be happening very quickly now. The independence is becoming quite apparent in our day to day lives now. I no longer walk her into school in the morning. I drop her off at the corner and watch her walk away from me into her new school full of new people and friends. The joy I experience when I realize my daughter is a little odd and has found a niche in her new school where this is accepted. No longer is she teased because she likes David Bowie and does not listen to 50 cent or various other musicians that I do not listen to. She likes Kate Bush, Tori Amos, Air, Cornelius and the Pogues, fine taste in music I think. I am so very proud that she is developing her own sense of who she is and not what other people think she should be.

Though she is having a rocky start in some classes, as they are very different from what she thought they would be things are going well. She is using her mind and being reintroduced to the arts we thought she might never have again due to the cuts in public school funding for such programs. Creative thinking is not encouraged in many public schools today due Bush's wonderful "No Child Left Behind" act. Seems like most schools spend their time teaching the kids how to pass the barrage of standardized tests that get thrown at them during the year. Crap, crap, crap. We would not like the kids to actually think just do what they are told like good little bees in the hive.

I am happy to say that this year she has Latin, with a wonderful teacher, arts, creative writing, theater and music. She also will have a large choice of after school programs from the National Academic team to sports to plays.

I am just so proud of her as I sit here typing listening to her sing and apply her self to her summary of her Latin seminar on Friday. Growing so quickly, becoming so quickly, and I am enjoying at least 89% of it.

Puuurrrrr

XXX

one of my favorites

Wintry light,
My memories are
Steep stairwells
In dusty buildings
On dead-end streets,

Where I talk to the walls
and closed doors
As if they understood me.

excerpt from The Toy
Charles Simic
Jackstraws poems

One of my favorite parts of the poem, The Toy. I really enjoy Charles Simic, makes me think a bit about everything.

Purr

XXX

Curves cut by a line....

slighty glistening....

Come play

with the curves

Puurrrrrrr

XXX

Do you feel that

Hmmm, do you feel that?
Yes, that. I do. You might not realize it but I feel.
Everything.
Even words spoken and unspoken words as well.
Sometimes maybe I feel too much, is that possible?
So, yes, I feel that.
and it makes me sad.

I feel like things kind of suck right now, and they do not suck in a good sucking kind of way either.

XXX

My week so far

Well we received word on the AP4 grant that we all worked so hard on and it was not good. The AP4 grant is an NIH/NCI grant worth about 6 million dollars, There were 15 PI's, 3 PhD's that work with cell lines, 2 biostaticians, i grants coordinator and myself that toiled on this project for approximately 6 months and non-stop the last 2 weeks. The grant would have been helpful in applying to our new cancer vaccine program and new drug in vitro programs. Oh well life goes on at the Cancer Center none the less.

Dr. Hussain, the sweet man that he is, decided this year to put in his promotion package to the University to be promoted to a full professor. What a painful process, I have been working on compiling the data from his teaching evaluations for his teaching brochure, updating his CV, pulling 5 manuscripts from the past year, and listing internal and external references. Whew, not only is that being worked on but he forgot to do his VA credentialing with medical staffing so that needed to be done so he could see his VA patients. There is the Letter of Intent that is due in to the NIH by Friday for a new study in the lab. All of this is including my other work, such as another protocol entry and preparation for the protocol to be submitted to the Central Review Committee and Institutional Review Board. Sending out record for disability claims, filing the 5000000000 pieces of mail, faxes, preparing two lectures, moving Dr. Frankel out of his office, and the list goes on and on forever and ever. I guess that is what is called job security.

On the home front the stringbean now is in week 3 of middle school, what an adjustment, three hours of homework every night. Urrrgggghhhhhh, is she 11 or 18. I am hoping she adjusts to the new environment soon, so far she has made many new friends but when you come from a class no larger than 12 to a class that has 30 that's a pretty big change. I am sure she will do fine but I worry about her abilities in dealing with stress at times.

Merlin and Puck are playing and having fun!

Time for the Pixie Princess to call Sunshine!

I am so very tired and sleepy. I think that it is time to put on some music and drift off.....

Puuurrrrrr

XXX

lalallove

Whenever I'm alone with
You you make me feel like I am home again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am whole again

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am young again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am fun again

However far away I will always love you
However long I stay I will always love you
Whatever words I say you know I will always love you
I will always love you

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am free again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am clean again

However far away I will always love you
However long I stay I will always love you
Whatever words I say you know I will always love you
I will always love you

The Cure

Hmmmmmm, why is it I feel this way ............
when others do not.

Sad, sad, sad. I want to live in this lifetime .......

Now, not later.

Things I that make me happy

1. Hayley-makes me the happiest mommy all the time even when she pisses me off. Tee hee
2. Christopher-makes me giggle and feel yummy most of the time. puuurrrrrrr
3. Merlin and Puck- cute, cuddly, lovable and very entertaining
4. Starr-My twin, so hard to believe I have known you for almost half my life. I love you and you bring me sanity and smiles. Not a bad combo!
5. My job. It is so much more than just a that though, hard and depressing at times but I learn something new every single day. I really like the people I work with as well. What is not to like about that.
6. Sitting on by back porch, typing on the computer with a cup Earl Grey with lemon out of my cup that Dr. Hussain gave to me from China. Yummy!
7. The weather is absolutely beautiful. Autumn is my favorite time of year!
It is funny how just taking a moment to reflect upon your existence brings up so many things. I am for the most part very happy right now. I just want everyone to know that I appreciate you and love you very much. Though I may not express it well all the time you are so important to me in so many ways. Thank you for being in my life and loving me, I truly appreciate it!

Puuuurrrrrrr

XXX

Busy, busy, busy

I have been so busy the past few days and when I am not busy, I have been tired or in pain. Feeling much better now though, thank goodness for I do not think I could withstand much more illness/infection/swollen face, ok you get the point. Today I have been thinking, I know so unusual for me, about love, life and where I would like to be when I am all grown up. I want to be looked at, in way that only a lover can look at you, but not for a year or two for a really long, long time. I want that little light shining every time I am gazed upon. I want, I want, jeez so selfish at times I suppose but all I am asking for is a little but of sunshine to make me fell yummtastic. That being said onto life, I want one, I have one, I really like being alive. Tee hee. One day I will not be alive. The End! I do not want to grow up if I can not have fun and most the grown ups I know are really worn out and tired worrying about things that in the End do not really matter.

All for now-

XXX

Sick

Somehow I have become very sick from the infection in my face. Apparently 2000mg a day of amoxicillian is not adequate to get read of the nasty little pathogens that my immune system can not beat up. My white blood cells count is rising, feeling shaky and tired most of the day and just pretty crappy in general. I would say I feel like I was run over by a bus but that is a lot worse so I guess I should not complain. I do not like being home all day, I do not like missing work even more considering I have a two protocols to work on, a chapter for a book that needs final proofing and editing, a powerpoint presentation that is due for a lecture next week and about six sets of pathology slides that need to be processed by Thursday. You see I do not have the time or energy to be sick. I did get to sleep with the kitties(both kittens as Merlin is still doing OK) all afternoon and help with three hours of homework the stringbean needed to have completed for school tomorrow. Three hours, I do not remember three hours of homework in 6th grade but I guess advanced academics require more than average. It still does not make it any easier knowing that this will be every single school night over the next 9 months, not including quarterly projects, exams and MSA's. Urrgghhhhh!

My week in review

First week of school is now completed. So far the strinbean has decided Latin is her favorite school subject. She has made two new girlfriends and exclaimed to me earlier in the week, "I really like my new school". Good news!!! Yeah!!!

Pain has been an issue that I have dealt with all week. Percocet did not even touch the pain in my face this week. It started on Tuesday and has subsided somewhat over the past 24 hours. I had about a total of 10 hours of sleep between Tuesday night and Friday night. One good thing about face pain is that it makes me realize back pain is a breeze to deal with. I also have issues with swelling and disfiguring of the face due to the fact that I felt like the elephant man for about a year after my accident. Now if I have any facial swelling I revert back to being very self conscious. The scars that now exist on my face just make me imperfect and I am perfect in my imperfection, so that is not an issue.

Friday night sleepover with 4 eleven years old on limited sleep during the week just makes for a surreal evening. Dressing the little kitten in Build A Bear clothing was the highlight on Sat. morning. The silly kitten, Puck, liked it I think. Stupid kitten, but we love him anyway.

Sick kitten, Merlin, makes me very anxious and I hope I am just being paranoid about his behaviour but I feel our time with Merlin is beginning to slip away. I knew the outcome from the diagnosis, letting go is so hard but I will not allow him to suffer.

Hurricane Katrina- This sucks and the media just seems so insincere and gets under my skin when providing coverage. This is nothing new though the news media in general lacks any depth and loves to sensationalise disaster.

President Bush is the best puppet I have ever seen, I mean can we say the man lacks most of the most important qualities that a leader from the "free world" should have. I dislike the way he speaks, handles any important crisis and in general I think he sucks. This is a problem with most politicians in my opinion.

People in general suck, why I expect people to behave in a compassionate and understanding way I will never know. Why I am surprised that people think they have to use vocabulary and words to make themselves feel superior I will never understand. I am no better than the homeless heroin addict down on Baltimore Street and I hope I have never made anyone feel like less of a person in my actions, words or deeds. I run on emotions, sometimes that is difficult for people to deal with, but that is one of the definitions of who I am. It allows me to care about people, life and the world is general but at times causes me much distress. Do I want to be even and lack this aspect of myself? NO WAY!!!!!

Little girl lost behind blue eyes
scared, she was to let go
Sad girl hidden behind red smiles
afraid of where she wanted to go
Little girl feeling blue, lost the
day
as she stumbled and tumbled, one shoe left behind
broken and bleeding on the sidewalk
Never thought in the end of
how to let go
Beautiful woman with tears in her eyes
appreciating every day that goes by
red smiles with joy, compassion and
nothing to hide

Puuurrrrrrrr

XXX

Made through

Well the stringbean made it through her first day of sixth grade with the ease and grace of a pro. I on the other hand was told that I could not hold her hand or walk her to her homeroom. Jeez, after 11 years I am told she is capable of doing this on her own. I think that it my decision when and how she can grow up after all I gave birth to her, well maybe she was hatched. Tee hee! Another thing I realized is how large all the kids are. Some of Hayley's classmates are larger than I am, I will admit that I am petite in stature but really when a sixth grader has a larger chest, what are these kids eating and drinking.

Well back to the Cancer Center tomorrow, not a day too soon either, anymore time off and I might have lost my mind.

New house is good and pretty much put in order.

Puuurrrr

XXX

Disappointed

It is hard dealing with disappointment at 34 but at 11 your world seems to crumble. Tonight my stringbean was faced with a disappointment that I am unable to fix. It makes me so sad when her expectations of people go out a window. She tries so hard and I think at times maybe she feels like it is something she has done that puts her in these situations. I try to console, comfort and turn the situation around but I guess she is becoming her own person with her own thoughts and conclusions. The best that I can do is give her lots of love and dry her tears. Sniffle, sniffle.

So tired

but it is so worth it

I like this. It makes me feel a tingle under my ribcage, into my throat. When art impacts me like this it makes me feel somewhat giddy. I can not smell this, taste this, hear this but I can see it and for something visual to move me there feels wonderful. I could stare at this all day and feel lost in the depth of it. This is how I feel when I dance, full of everything and nothing all at once. This is the moment that I slip away from the "real world" where at times I do not exist.

Puuurrrrrr

XXX

They who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night."
Edgar Allan Poe

I am a dreamer and lots of time I find part of my day is dreamed away. I do not mind as I feel this is a sign of a creative, imaginative mind.

As I sit here and daydream this is the topic of my daydreams today...
Thy mouth is like a band of scarlet on a tower of ivory. It is like a pomegranate cut in twain with a knife of ivory. The pomegranate flowers that blossom in the gardens of Tyre, and are redder than roses, are not so red. The red blasts of trumpets that herald the approach of kings, and make afraid the enemy, are not so red. Thy mouth is redder than the feet of those who tread the wine in the wine-press. It is redder than the feet of the doves who inhabit the temples and are fed by the priests. It is redder than the feet of him who cometh from a forest where he hath slain a lion, and seen gilded tigers. Thy mouth is like a branch of coral that fishers have found in the twilight of the sea, the coral that they keep for the kings! . . . It is like the vermilion that the Moahites find in the mines of Moab, the vermilion that the kings take from them. It is like the bow of the King of the Persians, that is painted with vermilion, and is tipped with coral. There is nothing in the world so red as thy mouth . . . . Suffer me to kiss thy mouth.
Oscar Wilde

Sweet mouth
full of kisses
so sensual

It turns me on and that is why I love to daydream during moments of my day!

Puuuurrrrrr

XXX

Some days

Some days seem so much harder than others to get out of bed. Especially when your Tuesday feels like your Monday. I took yesterday off so now on this cloudy, stormy day I arrive to an office that has much work. It is so funny that on Monday my work tripled because I was not here. My work is multiplying like tribbles. Ohhh now I have trouble with tribbles, I mean work, like getting any of it done. As I drink my 8th cup of coffee this afternoon, jeez wonder why my stomach hurts, I struggle to stay awake. The last few nights have not been full of sleep, the stringbean has some horrible cold/allergies problem this week. Hopefully it shall resolve itself soon. I also feel very anxious that I will arrive home to a very sick kitten one day and that my tiny little kitten will then also become home with the dreaded FIP (which sucks as far as disease for kittens go). I also find myself today feeling disappointed today as well, it just seems sometimes things that seem so important to me are not to others. I mean it is OK, I understand everyone has different priorities and such but everyone should think the stuff we are doing is much more important than things they have going on. Well maybe that is unrealistic, I will give a little, maybe they should just act like they give a f***. Ohhh, well such is life at times. I think I shall go wander down and talk to some people that should perk me up a bit. My office sometimes becomes very lonely as I dwell in it all alone. Ohhhh, here come those tribbles again.....

Letting Go

For twenty years I've sought the Other.
Now, letting go, I fly out of the pit.
What use oneness of mind and body?
These days I only sing la-la-la.

- Keso Shogaku, 15th C

Preparing to move, I feel I must heed the advice given and let go of certain things. As this is the first of 2 moves I will be making in a 12 month period I feel it is time to part company with some old things I have carried with me for years. It is hard though, I find that I have thoughts attached to objects. I am ready though to part with a decent amount of my possessions and to move forward. It is interesting to me that at this time I struggle to retreive my past only to let it go. I suppose that until I can release these memories I shall not acheive true harmony and happiness within myself. I strive to resolve conflict and enjoy balance in my existence.

Puuurrrrrrr

XXX

Ewwwwww

OK, I am all for research and development of new and interesting things but this just skeeves me out. Growing and consuming meat from the lab. http://www.liebertpub.com/publication.aspx?pub_id=56
Gross! Just in the research stage but can anyone say disgusting. Yuckety, yuck, yuck, yuck.

Morning

Well, I have survived the night of the sleepover, feed the girls and decided it is too oppressive to be outside at all this morning. We will go swimming later this afternoon so that should be fun. Now it is time to relax and drink coffee. Yummy, I love coffee. I have shut myself in my room away from little girls and decided to listen to some music. What is on the playlist this morning? The Sugarcubes, Bjork, Nirvana, Mates of States, System of a Down, Ministry and David Bowie. Been in the mood lately for lots of Bjork and The Sugarcubes, I do not know why but maybe it has to do with my dreams. Nostalgia I suppose. Merlin is doing well and has been asking for lots of attention and play. That is a very good sign. I suppose I really should be packing and such but I do not feel like it at all. My house is full of madness at this period of time. Boxes everywhere, no pictures or paintings on the wall, it drives me bonkers. It totally lacks any personality at this moment and that really gets under my skin. Grrrrrrr. Only 2 more weeks until we move though, thank goodness. Hmmmm, Birthday by the Sugarcubes is one of my all time favorite songs. I want to walk around with spiders in my pockets. It sounds like fun. tra lalalalalalaalalalala.

Puuurrrrrrrr

XXX

Lalalalalalalala

Mmmmm, while speaking to a friend of mine about how today I am the most horrible mother in the world, as I was unable to attend the string beans last day of camp talent show, I was invited to see Tori Amos from backstage at Pier Six Pavillion in Baltimore. My friend is doing sound so he is letting myself, the string bean and his girl all sit backstage and hang out. Should be fun. I will take pictures and post them after the 24th of August.

On other musical notes, The Violent Femmes are doing a free concert on August 27. I think that I shall also attend this as well. I love the Violent Femmes. Fun music!!

I still feel like the worlds worst Mommy though!

Grrrrrrrrr!

Friday

Thank good ness it is Friday. Though I wish maybe it was a bit later in the day. Work has been quite consuming as of late. Manuscripts, book chapters, cytology reports, 3 research protocols and learning how to interpret CT, MRI and bone scans for progression of disease. Fascinating but quite overwhelming at times.

Sleepover night tonight yeah. The string bean is having a friend over as it is her last day of summer camp. If I am lucky I will be able to sleep in until at least 6:30-7:00. Only 2 weeks until school. Yeah, we love school, sometimes. LOL.

I awoke this morning realizing that I have not been sleeping well. I try to sleep at least 6 hours a night hoping that this will make me feel well and rested. It has not been working, I must be sleeping but my dreams have been so tweaks lately. I believe that maybe the hypnosis have something to do with it. Memories maybe manifesting themselves when I completely relaxed. I do not like it, nope not one single bit. Thank the scientist who started making Valium, the FDA who has let it stay on the market and the crazy doctor who prescribes it for me. Anxiety has been a major issue this week. Could not have mentally been able to make it without my little helpers.

Ooopppssss. I should be working, should being a relative term there. I am not much in the mood to do anything but goof off today.

Puuuurrrrrr

XXX

Start

It starts....
With a whisper in my ear
a nudge at my neck
a warmth spreading through me
mmmm, there right there....

Shadows

Why is it that when your friends begin relationships with a person they seem to forget all about the people that have supported them when they were alone? I find it very funny and somewhat frustrating that when one of my friends has a new love interest and they completely disappear. I understand the passion that exists in the first few weeks/months/years but I also remember the constant phone calls and visits when things go wonky. The average length of most of my friends relationships seem to be 3 months to 2 years before the crap hits the fan. After careful evaluation last night, I can only think of one person that has lasted in a relationship longer than that and that person is quite miserable about it. I think because one becomes so consumed in a relationship maybe they lose the "I" in them and then become a "We". I do not think being a "We" is a bad thing but to lose the "I" in becoming "We" causes large problems. I would like to be a "We" on a full time basis but maintain my "I" as well. I want to be a separate entity, not defined as a couple. When I point this out to my friend(s) after the downfall and real life starts to crumble the expectations and fantasy they have built, they moan and carry on because after time the person they had created in their head was not the person they wanted. Why???? Because they never took the time to truly explore who the person was and what the other wanted. I give this much consideration due to the fact that I am attempting to make serious changes in my thoughts, reasoning and life goals. I do not want to be that person my friend has become. I want to be the person that is clearly defined, who understands what my partner wants and why he wants those things, while maintaining "I" to build upon being a complete "We".

Next thought for the morning, I have so much passion for the person who makes me smile on the inside that it scares the poo out of me. This soul impacts me very much and it would be so much easier at times to just say F**k it and walk away. I am trying to break that pattern of when being confronted with things that I fear that I do not create situations to remove them from my life. It is a pattern which needs to be changed. Fear is hard to deal with, acceptance of having these fears of hurt, disappointment and betrayal are hard to accept and let go as well. I realize to maintain a healthy relationship I need to let go and confront my fears. I just need to figure out an acceptable way of doing this.

I love to smile from the inside out. So many people do not do this and are miserable all the time. Why? I swear some people try to make you miserable just because their lives suck so much. I can not stand that. When confronted with a situation where someone tries to draw me into their misery you know because misery loves company) I just smile a little bit more, pulling it out from the deepest depths of myself. So take that!!!!!

Puurrrr

XXX