I suppose the time has come to start incorporating some of my past issues with some of my future goals. Melting everything together to form a whole me. In so far I have come up with one thing in my past which though it brought me great pleasure it also helped shape and define many of my problems. The fact is I allowed myself to become so engrossed in this one particular thing that it consumed my life and never allowed me to have any basis in anyone's reality but my own. Allowing myself to enter the world of dance, ballet in particular, is an OCD wet dream. Plain and simple the dance world is OCD in a nutshell. Pretty sad actually that something one loves so much can be so destructive and devastating to ones life and send you into a spiral for years after. In the next few weeks my task is to find a "thing" I want to do. I have chosen to start dancing again but only for fun. I ask myself, "Can I do it just for fun?", as of yet I have not answered that question (because if you answer your questions when speaking to yourself then you are really crazy). I only know that for years I have missed it. The joy, satisfaction, the feeling and the release is something I at times long for. I will try it, if it is too much I will not continue but I am so excited to be able to come to the conclusion that it is not the dancing that is wrong, it was I that have been off and wrong. I will be dancing purely for the love of it not for anyone or anything else. It is elating and satisfying all at once. Maybe by confronting and dealing with this demon of mine I will be able to deal with other demons of mine and form better relationships and communicate more easily in other aspects of my life as well.
Puuurrrrrrrrrr
XXX
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