Hello, New Year

Welcoming in the New Year with the bean and one of her friends. Very excited for we went to make birthday presents for Sunshine and his Mum. Yeah!!! I shall try to post them next week. Late but at least it will not take me months. LOL. I have made no resolutions for the new year, I will just continue to be the best me that I can be. I am excited for this year to begin and am so looking forward to the wonderful things that it will bring to me. I am thinking that this year will be a yummy, wonderful year. Hopefully a bit better for my family and the kittens! Off to make pizza and get out the wine glasses for the girls, no wine for them, some sparkling cider though!!

Happy New Year!!

Puuurrrrrr

All right

I made it through December 29 without any problems, I was a bit anxious but it was OK. Had an evening to myself and indulged in a lovely bath and such. Already cleared off a bit of my desk because I got here very early and hopefully they will let us leave a bit early today. Just took my last antibiotic so hopefully my jaw does not get worse this weekend and cause me great pain. Thank goodness the jaw thing will hopefully be over with by the end of the month. Horrible knowing you got pieces of stuff in your jaw that just sat there for seven years. Blech!!

This morning I am listening to: Until The End of the World Motion Picture Soundtrack. I love the movie but alas it has not been released on DVD yet, until then I listen to the soundtrack which is equally impressive and beautiful.

(I'll Love You) Till the End of the World
Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds
It was a miracle I even got out of Longwood alive,
this town full of men with big mouths and no guts;
I mean if you can just picture it,
the whole third floor of the hotel gutted by the blast
and the street below showered in shards of broken glass,

and all the drunks pouring out of the dance halls
staring up at the smoke and the flames;
and the blind pencil seller waving his stick
shouting for his dog that lay dead on the side of the road;
and me, if you can believe this,
at the wheel of the of the car
closing my eyes and actually praying;
not to God above but to you, saying:

Help me, girl; help me, girl
I'll love you till the end of the world
With your eyes black as coal
and your long dark curls

Some things we plan,
we sit and we invent and we plot and cook up;
others are works of inspiration, of poetry;
and it was this genius hand that pushed me up the hotel stairs
to say my last goodbye
to a hair as white as snow and of pale blue eyes
[saying:]
I gotta go; I gotta go,
the bomb in the bread basket are ready to blow

in this town of men with big mouths and no guts,
the pencil seller's dog, spooked by the explosion,
leaping under my wheels as I careered out of Longwood
on my way to you waiting in your dress,
in your dress of blue

I said:
Thank you, girl; thank you, girl
I'll love you till the end of the world
with your eyes black as coal
and your long, dark curls

and with the horses prancing through the fields,
with my knife in my jeans and the rain on the shield;
I sang a song for the glory of the beauty of you
waiting for me
in your dress of blue

Thank you, girl. Thank you, girl
I'll love you till the end of the world
with your eyes black as coal
and your long, dark curls

Life

Life-The property or quality that distinguishes living organisms from dead organisms and inanimate matter, manifested in functions such as metabolism, growth, reproduction, and response to stimuli or adaptation to the environment originating from within the organism.
The physical, mental, and spiritual experiences that constitute existence

Hmmm, today is December 29, 2005; seven years have passed since this day which seems like a lifetime ago. The day that I lived to see December 30, 1998, not that I remember that day or the subsequent days and months following. I remember being in a lot of pain and taking lots of drugs and bits and pieces of shock trauma but there is still no order to any of it and time seems a bit skewed during that period. I am so very happy that things are the way that they are. I have a beautiful, smart, funny daughter that is growing quickly, a wonderful partner (that gives and brings so much to me) who I love and care for deeply, a place that pays me (though frustrating at times) to do something I really care about, two sweet, loving kittens to greet me in the evenings and life. Some one asked me once what was so great about being alive and what living means my response is: To hear the trees talking to each other in the breeze, the lady walking along by herself that you randomly give a flower to, the smile on someone's face that touches the eyes, running through grass with barefeet, spinning until you are dizzy and fall down, dreaming of all the places that you will experience, touching the lives of others and helping, watching a spider weave a web, seeing the stars on a cold crisp night, these are just a few of the things that living means to me. I at times forget these things and it always seems when I need a bit of inspiration that someone or something nudges these things from the depths of my mind.

Does it ever get easier

I know death, have confronted it, have my own thoughts and feelings about it, so why does it not get easier when it touches your life. We lost a patient yesterday, it is not easy, makes it hard and sad to come to work. The patient does not care he is dead, so why does it make me feel sad. He had lived a full life, full of happiness, sorrow and I am sure many other things, his time had come to finish his tale here. Still knowing all this it makes me feel low, makes it hard to sit here waiting for that next call, because I know there will be another and another and another. It is the nature of this position; funeral homes, police officers, DNR forms, the ending of his tale is where I step in and begin a new chapter of my story. In the grand scheme of things this office is the ending for all the patients that are here. I do everything possible to help them through the winding path of bringing closure to their live and stories. I wonder if the sweet release of death only lasts for minutes or if it is continual, is it really just the chemicals in your brain or is it so much more? I have read a lot about near death experiences and mine did not really resemble too many accounts, is it because chemically my mind works differently? I could not begin to describe in words anything of my experience. I will just mark it as another chapter in a story that will continue for another day.

Crazy

It has been a crazy, busy morning at work. The patient from the previous post will not be here today so I have no worries about that anymore. Although many other patients seem to be having issues this morning. I think maybe the holidays causes them undue stress and that they are unable to handle it physically. I am sitting in my cold little office trying to organize about thirteen clinical trials. I have two more clinical trials to prepare for CRC submission over the week as well, I have plenty to do and I suppose I should start working on the BRAAN submission for said trials. Well the day is flying by, so I am not complaining.

I took the time to read some Jim Carroll this morning. I can not remember the first time I was introduced to Jim Carroll, it has been tucked away in one of those hallways with the door shut tight. I will remember and drag it one of these days, who knows what else is there with it. I just know though that he has been on of my favorite poets for a very long time. I am posting one of his poems here, comment, I would like to know what you think and why! Here it goes, Enjoy!!!!

Love Poem (Later)
for Rise

The little bonus
of my hand on your breast
makes a bus seem so useful
when some rain begins to open.

then cloud waves cracked sun shafts
when the sky began to whistle
and I was thinking about it all night
just watching it move from my eye to my hand.

it's not very meaningless
the changes one makes lying down
it's almost the way a mountain feels
when it becomes a star

"Fear Of Dreaming: The Selected Poems Of Jim Carroll"

Puuurrrrrrr

We had a lovely Christmas but I am glad that it is over. The bean received at least two of the three things she requested from Father Christmas. The first thing on her list was that Merlin have a long happy life, maybe Father Christmas blew some extra winter magic on Merlin when he came to visit, that would make me happy!!!

I had a thought about friends that I know this weekend. I have one friend, the one that was suppose to marry. Well after few months they have split and she will not be marrying. I will once again be taking a small break from this person as she sucks energy. I have had this friend for over twenty years of my life and I do not think she is a "bad" person she just does some things I am uncomfortable with. Everytime she is without a potential boyfriend she calls and wants to suck my energy. She has not come to the point in her life where she realizes she has problems and she is not a victim. I have never been a victim to anyone besides my own self. The problems that I have caused have been my fault and no one else's. I accept that, embrace it and work through it but I realize that it was my fault. I have a harder time with things beyond my control and with problems that result from someone else's mistake that effect me years later. An example of this is the accident, if seven years later I did not have to have surgery on my jaw, my back was not in constant pain and half the teeth in my jaw did not have to be replaced, I would probably be able to move forward and feel better about it all. I never have addressed the anger, pain and fear that the accident caused me. The fact that I was just happy to be alive was enough at that time' now is the time when trying to move past that one defining point in my life that I need to realize that there were other emotions which were never processed. These are the things that I need to focus on for my Wednesday appointment. In order to understand how the chemicals and behaviors have been manipulated I must go back to the point of when everything was lost. Sometimes I feel like I am digging and poking around inside my brain that maybe I will find a diamond and I will be free of all the harm and destruction that I tend to bring upon myself. Anyway my point was, I take responsibility for my actions and blame no one but myself that is something I have realized many people do not do often. That I think is why there are so many lawsuits and crappy people around.

I am so not looking forward to going to work tomorrow morning and dealing with this one patient. I know I must but jeez, she is not a nice person. You would think that in the position she is in that she would take the time to realize that I do not care who she is or how much money she has. She is a patient, I treat everyone the same regardless of social standing. In eighteen months or less she will no longer have a social standing so does it really matter now? I hope she learns how to treat the people that are trying to help her, it would be nice.


Off to sleepy time, to dream of sheep and sunny days!!!!!

Shhhhhhh

The office is quiet, I believe most people have left early for the holidays. The next couple of days should be nice and calm as long as everyone remains calm and listens. I hear the muffled sounds of people moving things past my doors, walking down the hallway and voices wishing everyone "Happy Holidays". Only one more day left before I can sleep in late, wrapped in down and velvet with kittens on the side.

Ohh, shhhh, the silence was broken because I could not read on of my doc's handwriting. Go figure, so now he is coming by to translate. Shhhhh, should not have been thinking out loud. LOL.

Not this morning

I did not want to get up this morning.

I did not want to wake up alone this morning.

I did not want to scold Puck for pulling the ornaments off the tree.

I did not want to wake to Merlin wheezing and having a breathing attack.

I did not want to worry about my Merlin this morning.

I did not want to wait for the bus this morning.

I did not feel like working this morning.

I do not feel like trying to decipher another institutions stats for minority patients this morning.

I do not feel like talking to any patients this morning.

I do not want to figure out the Jewish Holiday Calendar this morning.

I do not feel like trying to speak Hebrew this morning.

Pretty much the only thing I wanted to do this morning was stay all warm and snuggly in bed, dreaming of (definitely not sugarplums *Shivers*)warm Sunshine wrapped all around me.

Alas, poor me. Tee hee!!!

Serenity

.Serenity came to my Sunshine. She is very cute, cuddly and naughty too!! She is waiting for our arrival in CO also. Finally some Serenity.

It has very cold here, I would not mind it so much if it would snow. I do not mean snow/sleet or freezing rain, I have been stomping my foot and pouting my lower lip but it still does not snow. Maybe I should do the Snowflake scene from The Nutcracker, maybe then it would snow. I can not wait to live somewhere where the snow is not all wet and slushy.

Work has been crazy busy, patients are anxious, patients families are anxious and they tend not to listen to anything you say. Ohhh well, I would be anxious as well. I have been working on statistical figures for all the partnering facilities that work with us for one of the groups that support some of the cancer center research. Lots of numbers for only five institutions.

There have been holiday parties, lunches and presents galore. My tree now has an extra five gifts that were not there before this week.

I am excited for Christmas but at the same time slightly upset that Sunshine will not be here nor will we be there. We miss him so very much and are so looking forward to joining him in CO.

My neighbor stopped by this evening for some tea. He brought donuts with him, he is older but had some lovely tales of his days as a young boy during WW II. I love to listen to people tell tales of a lifetime, the glow you see in their eyes as they recall many years like it was yesterday. One day I hope my story will be as exciting and fascinating to someone and they recognize that spark in me.

We are quickly approaching the anniversary of my accident, seven years will have gone by on December 29. I have decided to remember all the positive things that have come from the accident instead of the negative. I am trying to get over it. Ohhh, I said those words now I am in trouble. Tee hee!!!!

I am very sleepy, tired, so off I go to dream the dreams that will inspire me to do .............

Puuurrrrrrrrr

OK, Now

So I have "gotten over it", but that phrase is no longer in use. So, I buried it and will let it rot far away from me. Certain phrases must be removed from my life in order to keep me sane. "Get over it" is one such phrase. Ohhh, there are others that I say that have been removed and buried as well. It is a give and take so I gave that one right back and it is all over now.

I am getting very excited about Christmas!!! Yeah, Christmas, I wish it would hurry and get here already. We are waking up and counting the days until Christmas Eve. The bean is so very excited, which in turn makes me very excited. The only thing that is making me sad is the fact that I miss my sunshine being so far away. Sniffle sniffle but next year will be a family Christmas so that will be a good thing, probably with snow too!!! Yeah, real snow, not wet and messy sorta snow, but real snowman building, snow angels making, and snowball fights snow!!!

GET OVER IT

It is just a feeling, get over it.
Get over it? I suppose that is easy?
Feelings, I suppose those are stupid things that get in the way.
I suppose I should pretend that it does not bother me. Why say anything, I should just deal with and
get over it.
Will not bring it up again, because I have gotten over it.
So there
Take that. I am all over it, and that feeling no longer exists for me.
All over it, all over it, because it just does not matter obviously.


It is Ok because I am so over it. See just like pushing a switch
Ouch, I need a band-aid to put over it because it just does not want me to get over it just yet
That feeler must not have heard and feels broken now. Squished, shattered, smacked possibly maybe not a band-aid but some surgery.
This one might be hard to fix, does not understand how to
GET OVER IT

Anxiety

So I am a bit anxious about Merlin. Like anyone with disease he has good days and bad days. It just stinks because on his bad days I am terrified I will come home and he will be so sick that I must take him in to be put to sleep. This kitten is my baby, he means so much to us and I am so happy that he has done so well for this long but I am in a constant state of anxiety. I take it day by day, giving as much love to him as I can.

Tiny little things

Frataxin is so very very small compared to me and compared to the galaxy I am the size of frataxin. While the precise role of human frataxin remains to be determined, the molecule appears to be involved in regulating the export and/or inport of mitochondrial Fe. These are the things that never cease to amaze me. Fifteen to twenty years ago no one realized that these tiny little bits existed. Theory is all that existed concerning frataxin, now it is put to practical uses and we will eventually determine the role it plays. Interesting. Maybe, someone will one day determine my role in the universe. Tee hee!

Blech, feeling ill

Today was an ill day. I was not well. I am feeling like dirt, that has been snowed on, frozen, plowed and stepped on!!

I am very excited for Christmas, the tree is up, the house decorated and presents purchased!! Yeah! Along with the excitement though comes the anxiety of the days after, over the past six years the end of December has always been pretty craptastic for me. I have decided this year it will not be a bad, as long as my kitten does not die or I do not get run over by a bus!!! I am happy I have had such a good year, a year that has brought about a large growth in issues that have plagued me most of my life. Realizations on the way things are changing for the better, so hopefully the last five days of December will reflect that these changes have been positive, or maybe it will not! Who knows, not me, that's for sure!!!

Off to nap some more and get well, so I can go back to the hospital and pick up more germs. Yeah, for germs and pathogens!!! They are my favorite little invaders.

Loon

I had a patient call the other day, she thinks she is a loon. I assured that I do not think she is a loon but what do I know? Not a thing, I know that she faces a very difficult path ahead of her and that she should be as loony as she would like to be!!!

This morning I received a wonderful compliment from one of my Drs., I guess during the clinical faculty meeting some lovely things were said about me and he thought that I should be aware of how much everyone appreciates the work I do. Made me feel wonderful and a little guilty for blogging when I should be working. Tee hee!

I think this weekend my sunshine did and said some things that really made me feel so special and loved. He has given so much more than anyone else in my life (with the exception of my bean)and sometimes I am not always sure how to put these things into words or conversations so I thought I would put it here. I am putting that moment here, because I know eventually he will read this. He is very special, important and wonderful to me, he listens to me, is patient with me and tries so hard to understand the delicate balance of the path I walk. It has been a bumpy path where I have tried to be everything to everyone, forgetting myself at times along the way. Through this he has stood by my side and has been the only positive influence, he reminds me to look forward to the future and not to dwell in the past because really I do that during therapy and sometimes it takes weeks for me to filter through all the residual fears and emotions that I encounter during those sessions. I so look forward to the time when our paths are together because it really is quite passionate and wonderful. I feel at home when he is near me and it just feels right.

Back to work now

Puurrrrrrr

XXX

In between

I find myself in between two emotions right now. Happy and sad. I am happy in regards to the past six days,sad because those six days are over, happy that things are progressing but sad because it seems so far away. The fluctuation is very overwhelming to me, happy/elated/sad and low going in cycles about every 20-30 minutes. I suppose things will be OK in a few days as the house returns to our normal state of affairs but until then, I will be in between, in flux, laughing and crying at the same time counting down the days until my family is together again. I think the people I work with want to give me some Zoloft and make me a bubbly, happy face today!

That time

You know the time between falling asleep and dreaming, the time when you are not quite aware of the sounds but they filter through to your thoughts a bit. That is the time last night when laying next to you, I realized how much you mean to our lives. The past few days have been so very yummy and beautiful. They mean so much to me and I look forward to the time when I wake next to you every morning. The sound of you sleeping next to me, the breathing, the warmth of your body and the whisper of the sheets as you settle yourself into slumber. I woke briefly to watch you and am filled with desire. Desire to have you smile at me, desire to have your hand in mine walking down the street, desire of having your arms around me in Starbuck's, and the desire to wrap myself around you. You are beautiful and precious to me and I desire a life with you. It is that time, that time when it is clear to me.

Puurrrrrrr

XXX

Dragging

Have you ever noticed when you are waiting for something how slowly the day proceeds. I have mucho amounts of work but they morning is moving so slow. Seconds, minutes, hours move like molasses. This morning blew, late buses, grumpy gus's, cold morning and wet hair= an unhappy faery. Angry research nurses, attending physician and impatient me= an anxious, nervous faery. I guess I should be working on the gizillion things that need to be done before departing for four days but alas, I have no desire to even touch the 16 piles all over my office. Is it 4:30 yet? No? Well, darn!!!!!!!!

On a side note things have been very stressful lately with family interactions. I am tired and worn out just from trying to cope with them. It will be nice to have a brief holiday away from them. I love them but I do not much like them. That is really sad. **Sigh**