Ok then

Not going to talk about myself on this post. It is boring anyway so here are the topics of the day.

Maryland MTA

Shadow Boy

Let me start with Maryland MTA. MTA recently did a huge overhaul of it's system to make it more reliable, better routes, better schedules, blah, blah, blah. Well the people at MTA must be idiots. They have made the bus system even more of a mess then it was prior to the changes. You are lucky if a bus even shows up now. Let me tell you, the folks that run the administrative offices are something too. You, John Q. Public, are not allowed to have the number to the administrations offices. No one seems to have that number, seems you have to go through the switch board then they send you in great big circles. I am overwhelmingly happy to see my tax dollars and fare going to such great use.

Shadow Boy belongs to many different message boards but it seems he posts all the same things on like six of them. They have not altered in the past 6 months, the same things over and over again, just like his women. I am starting to see a cycle here. Surprising though I thought maybe he had some good points but now realize he is just as much of a shadow of a person. He has officially stopped having any creative thought that might have once been in that head. Could be the amount he smokes up and drinks too, who knows,

Well I am going to talk about myself now, but this is my blog so it is acceptable. Lately I have had some conflicting information, the question is do I follow what could be intuition and figure out a solution or am I just being anxious as I do tend to obsess over things a bit. Hmmm, it is extremely frustrating and tiring trying to figure this all out.

Enough for now

Urrrghhhhhh, Monday

Today is Monday and it really feels like a Monday too. I was about 45 minutes late for work this morning. They really do not say anything to me about being late because I am rarely late at all, but I care. It messes my whole morning up especially when I am trying to accomplish a bunch of things.

The left side of my jaw has swollen up once again. Infection has set in once again, I suppose it could be worse considering the reasons for it swelling up. I really should be quite grateful that I do not have more problems associated with the accident but really it has been almost seven years can we just stop with the mouth things and back stuff already. Had I known that the dental and mouth pain would be so severe I would have told them to replace all my teeth and not rewire them back in. I am really dreading this debris removal, it is going to hurt, I am curious as to what they will find though. The last thing to come out was a piece of glass and it probably will be better than trying to let the stuff work itself out that was painful. Maybe they should just amputate my head . . . .

Work has been crazy busy this morning so at least my Monday is flying by. I must now go check the bus schedule as the MTA has so royally screwed me with the new schedules and route changes. I would love to invite the person who changed all the routes and time tables to ride the bus with me for one day, just one and then maybe they would realize how craptastic their services really are.

Hope everyone else's was better than mine has been so far, at least it is not raining like they said it would, it is beautiful and sunny that is a great thing on this cruddy Monday.

So sad

At work today getting stuff ready for medical records I came across all my grandfathers paperwork. It has made me sad as I miss him. I wish I could have had a little bit of good time with him before he expired. I wish the quality of life at the end had not been so horrible. I know that it was better that it happened sooner than later and as I have said before that 1-2 weeks earlier would have been much better but I do not think I got to say what I needed to say in the end. Ohh well, I suppose it is selfish of me anyway since it was ending not mine. Just a little sad reading through all the notes and such.......
Sniffle, sniffle

Reflections

Can you tell me about yourself
I am partial to life without
How long have you wanted this
How do I say this
I've always wanted this
What are your weaknesses

Where in ten can you see yourself
I remark, "To the tenth without."
How much can you benefit
How do I say it
I always benefit
What are your weaknesses

What are your weaknesses
I won't pass you by

It's autumn, love
You're better for the several of us
You group it and your group it
But it's autumn, love

-Mates of State

Mmmmmm, just listening to Mates of State and working. Love this song, makes me feel wonderful. Still reflecting on various things.

Reflection....... Stem Cell Research- Due to morality and ethical issues the United States is quite far behind in this type of research. This is a sad, sad thing because politics should not be involved in the regulation of science. I believe regulations and codes to protect it's citizens from harm is acceptable but to out right deny funding for something that could save many lives is not in the best interest of the people.

Next reflection ....... Supreme Courts involvement in Oregon's state law on the right to die. I feel that if the Federal government would like to tell the state(s) how to run it's state medical boards and regulate the type of care you receive from physicians then maybe we should have a unified health care plan run by the feds. Until they can offer this to their citizens, lower health care fraud, cut the amount of malpractice suits, etc; then the feds should just stay out of it. Besides I believe that if I am terminal with less than six months to live would like to have that right to decide what is best for me.

I find it disheartening while trying to teach my daughter of the importance of the Constitution and government that the current state of affairs is a complete and total disaster.

Who am I kidding?????? The government wants to tell me how to do everything from the morals I should have to the type of healthcare I receive. Disgusting!!!!!!!

Enough rambling, more work!!!!

Thoughts.....

Over the week I have been thinking.... Yes, I know it is hard to believe. LOL. My sister came down from New York this weekend and I had some interesting conversations regarding my family. All I can say is Colorado seems like a better and better idea everyday. Along with the question is what do I want to do, moving to Colorado will definitely free up some time and so I feel that I need to do something different. For a few years I have been tossing around the idea of learning how to make stained glass pieces. I feel this is something that I would like to do, maybe even more than like. I suppose I will not know until I try and since I am a an employee of the state in which I live, at a rather large educational facility, I am allowed to take classes for free. After reviewing the schedule for classes I have decided that I am submitting my paperwork for the spring semester for stained glass. The materials will run about 200 for the class but I think it is well worth the investment.

So more thoughts turn towards relationships, not mine I might add, I have a friend that has known the significant other for a short period of time. In giving the history of most of the relationships this person has been in, I find it hard to think that this person would even think that marriage is a good idea and try to have me agree that this is best for them. Why not live together for a few years first, why must the marriage be done so quickly. This person is supposedly not religious, so that is not the excuse, but if it is meant to be then this person could wed in two or three years. I think that makes sense but obviously we have decided to disagree. I am so sick of hearing about it though and cringe and recoil every time I hear the word fiance. I guess that is my problem not theirs but I was asked to participate in the ceremony and have not figured out a graceful way out of it yet. I will call this one "Airhead", that was all I could associate with this person, full of air and not much else. Though I guess being fat, comfortable and married might just be the thing for her.

More thoughts.... At times I feel so easily hurt and bruised. I do not know why, I am just sensitive to the world I think. I am tired of people for the most part. Sick of war, tired of people fighting and really tired of people dying. It is hard to be surrounded by people who want to try to cure people only to walk out of these doors and see people trying to harm one another. Makes me feel a little sick at time too.

More thoughts.......The reason everything is so crappy in the world right now is because nature is trying to tell us we are messing things up in a big way. I just blame it all on Bush. As I point my finger to the south and say, "He did it, all these hurricanes and natural disasters are all his fault" or maybe it is all a conspiracy, The Illuminati, is behind it all. Tee hee.

More thoughts...........I have a friend that has dated a few women and I have come to the conclusion that he dates the same woman over and over again only in different bodies. He has this pattern of doing pretty much the same things with each woman, i.e. going to the same places that he took the others, doing the same things with each, listening o the same music; OK you get the point. Does it mean that he just really likes doing these things or is he trying to recreate something each time? I do not know why. He is another one that is engaged within a year of meeting this person. Interesting .... I would never want to do that, I never want to be the shadow of the person before me. Yuck. Having shadows lurking around is not my idea of fun. I shall refer to this person as the "Keeper of Shadows". Very spooky is it not. Bwwwaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhaaaaaaahhhhhh

My goodness I would hate to think what people would write about me and what little nicknames I have. I have one that I really love Solnushka, it seems to not be uttered as often as I would like but it does titillate me and gives me the warm fuzzies.

I feel a little off today, you know the feeling you get, when something just seems off? Well, that would be me. I am not sure what the cause of this is but I think it makes me feel very much like there is something going on that I can not put my finger on. Maybe it was the flu shot I had yesterday or the lovely hormone shot that I received this morning, I suppose that could be it but I am not quite sure. Instinct or OCD, I have not decided yet. I suppose if I am to know then it will present itself soon enough.

Shadows

I am the opposite of you
You battle your mean spirit
I'm suffering through my own
You answer to no one
I don’t know what that’s like
I honestly don’t know what that’s like

We quit making out to attend this meeting
With old ladies on tremendous amounts of coke
And reeling, I hear my bad voice call
My wayward brain reels
My easily distracted brain reels

Head full of
Climbing mercury
Climbing mercury
Climbing mercury
Climbing mercury

I am a complement to you
We park in the shade
And somehow equate that with dealing
I hope I don't stomp on your heart
I know what that's like
Believe me, I know what that's like

Head full of
Climbing mercury
Climbing mercury
Climbing mercury
Climbing mercury

Throwing Muses-Mercury

Throwing Muses has been a part of my life for over 17 years. I first encountered them at the age of 18. Throwing Muses have carried me through some of the happiest and saddest parts of my life. The reason I believe is I am a Loon and quite possibly a funny woman; many times these songs as well as Kristin Hersh's solo music make sense to me. They have a tendency to touch me and make me feel that maybe in this universe there are people that are just as crazy and loony as I.

Now I know why
You are the way you are
You’ll see the air
The tactful past

Which is more forgiving
Than these last moments

We are the last of your faithful, well, friends
We love the crash that accompanies epiphany

You don’t have low self esteem
You don’t have any self esteem at all

You float around, don’t touch the ground
What little confidence you had
Is melting away

We are the last of your faithful, well, friends
We love the crash that accompanies epiphany

I refuse to lose control
You do look handsome under wal-mart lights though...

Throwing Muses-Epiphany
The older I become the more I love the music.

Puurrrrrr

XXX

Cold weather, lots of work and limited time

Ahhhh-
Cold weather. Grey and damp. I liked it for about the first two days now I would like some moderate nice autumn weather. I have been busting my little wings at work. Patient calls are long and involved this week. The manuscript I have been helping one of the residents with is finally done. I need like eighteen more cups of coffee just to drag my tired and sore body out of my snug bed enclosed in velvet. Puuurrrrrrrrr. Could I just stay in bed for one day? NO running around just have some sunshine rub my tootsies and ......
Hmmmmmm..........
I need like 4 more hours in the day to accomplish everything I want to do and need to get done. I am not greedy, just 4 more hours, ohhh but now thinking about that they, yes those people, would just find more ways to add more hours to my work day without paying me anymore. Although, working for the state is kind of like being paid to do nothing for some people, not me though, I have plenty to do like blogging, surfing the internet, oopppssss... just kidding. I work really hard and I suppose that is why I am so tired (besides staying up until 11 and getting up at 4).

Enough silliness, Time to go-

Puuurrrrrr

XXX

I know nothing

Information is not knowledge-
Einstein

Yesterday I discovered something that I suppose I was aware of all along but have never really applied to me, myself or I. I am just me, I do not need to be anyone or anything other than that. The people that love me and like me do just because I am who I am. For years, I struggled to be someone, something that other people thought I should be. This is what started this thinking pattern- I was reading a "friends" site yesterday and happened upon a bio. I have known this person for half of my life and must say that I realized that my friend is living in achievements that never happened and the dishonesty and misrepresentation has really upset me. I have questioned, "Do I want this deception in my life when I strive to be only who I am no more no less?" My achievements and failures have made me who I am to this day but they are in the past and though I have learned from them I realize I must move forward with who I am and what I am. The interesting thing is just because you have information does not mean that it is something you can actually understand. It is thrown out like you are aware of what you are speaking when you really have no idea what it really means or how to apply it. I know nothing and so therefore I never can definitively state something when pretty much everything is nothing. I have come to the conclusion that with the misapplied information, misrepresentation, perceptions and realities in which this person dwells I am unable to remain in contact with this person to provide myself with an understanding that this is not the way or path of my life at this time. I would also like to thank this person for providing the realization that the people I am surrounded myself with only care that I am well and doing the things that bring me joy and happiness. These are the people I choose to allow entrance into my life.

Today in 1849

Written by Poe, the second was just days before his death. Where his body in interred now. After being moved a few times.

Every year many people stop to place flowers today and what a rainy, gloomy day it was.

Puuurrrrr

XXX

Edgar Allan Poe

This morning as I walked past Westminster Hall, I realized that we are fast approaching Edgar Allan Poe's expiration date from this world. Flowers, wreaths and various arrangements have been placed by his tombstone. His wife's and mother-in-laws remains are also interred there. I really do find Westminster Hall and it's catacombs quite beautiful and since I am able to walk by it every day it brings a little smile to my face. I love the fact that 158 years after expiring people still preserve the memory of one of my favorite authors. In fact, every year on October 7 someone places a bottle of cognac and three roses on the site. This person is referred to as The Poe Toaster.

The photo are others interred at Westminster Hall, Poes will be posted on Oct 7, 2005.

She wakes, feet on the cold floor, walking in search of....
something....
something...
Hot, sweating, she has forgotten what she was in search of but walks outside into the cool, crisp morning.
Stars and planets bright against the black morning sky.
As she looks up thinking, suddenly awake she remembers that she is searching
and remembers what she thought she had lost really is there and has been all along.
The nightmares and horrible dreams just enforce this theory, idea, concept that those things are just hidden in dark corridors of a dusty mind.

Sometimes...
Sometimes....
maybe it is better to forget.

Pondering

I wonder, ponder, reflect
reflect and ponder some more
thinking, thinking, thinking.......
too much.
obsessing a little
working it out of my system
trying not to think bad thoughts
There is a song by X
I must not think bad thoughts.*
I should listen to that song. It helps me to not think bad thoughts.
Just typing it makes me feel better. See I am not thinking bad thoughts because I must not think bad thoughts.
Better thoughts, need to stop thinking, maybe that will help.
Then the bad thought comes back because most people suck.
Maybe......
I am going to go outside and not think bad thoughts but ponder on some happy ones because you leave me breathless**

Puuuurrrrrr
XXX

*the facts we hate well never meet walking down the road everybody yelling "hurry up, hurry up!" but im waiting for you i must go slow i must not think bad thoughts when is this world coming too both sides are right but both sides murdered i give up why cant they i must not think bad thoughts the civil wars and the uncivilized wars conflagrations leap out of every poor furnace the food cooks poorly and everyone goes hungry from then on its dog eat dog dog eat body & body eat dog i cant go down there i cant understand it im a no good coward & an american too a north american that is not a south of a central or a native american oh i must not think bad thoughts im guilty of murder of innocent men innocent women innocent children thousands of them my planes my guns my money my soul my blood on my hands its all my fault i must not think bad thoughts i must not think bad thoughtsthe facts we hate youll never hear us i hear the radio its finally gonna play new music you know the british invasion but what about the minutemen fleasheaters doa big boys and the black flag were the last american bands to get played on the radio please bring the flag? please bring the flag! glitter-disco-synthesizer night school all the noble savage drum drum drum astronauts go back in time to hang out with the cave people its about time its about space its about some people in the strangest places woody guthrie sang about b-e-e-t-s not b-e-a-t-s i must not think bad thoughts i must not think bad thoughts the facts we hate


**now if you love me please don't tease if i can hold well then let me squeeze my heart goes round & round my love comes tumblin down you leave me ahhhh breathless ahhhh well i shake all over and you know why im sure its love honey it aint no lie cause when you call my name i know i burn like a wooden flame you leave me so breathless ahhhh oooohhhhhh baby your driving me crazy your much too much i can not love you enough its alright hold me tight when you love me love me right come on baby now don't be shy this love was meant for you and i wind rain sleet of snow im gonna getcha wherever you go you leave me so breathless ahhhh ooohhh baby your driving me crazy your much too much i cannot love you enough its alright hold me tight when you love me love me right come on baby now don't be shy this love was meant for you and i wind rain sleet or snow i'm gonna getcha wherever you go you have left me so breathless ahhhh
Breathless-X

Dreams from a lifetime ago sometimes come back to haunt you. Why is it that the dreams and aspirations from so long ago are the hardest to sometimes deal with? I love the dreams that I once had and the fact that I was able to achieve a certain amount of success but I feel I could do so much more with what I have achieved. Lately I feel the urge to do more dancing and I have not quite figured out how to obtain this goal with work and school. I want so much out of life sometimes I can not figure out how to fit it all into a schedule that accommodates everything. I am only one person and can only do so much. I suppose the problem may be solved once we move to Colorado and I have more me time. The wait sometimes is intolerable. I love my work, I love the things I do with the beanstalk but I need to find more time to do the things that I want to do. Something worth pondering I suppose ........

Puuurrrrrrr


XXX