Needy

Today I was pulled in all directions from funeral homes, patients, relatives of patients, awww you get the point. We are in the bad strech at work again, patients are doing poorly and along with it comes all the extra work. I made the decision to work during lunch so one of our patients can fly to Florida to swim with the dolphins, I started to complain about it and then realized it was my choice but I truly believe that her swimming with dolphins was much more important. I also ran into one of my favorite patients and was so happy with some tests results she had done that showed a partial response to her therapy. Yay!!! I almost cried because she is doing so well. As usual I amazed at the strength and how well some people deal with their disease. I find it was a good day even if it was busy and I at times need to remind myself that if some of the patients and their family members seem anxious and stressed it is because it is hard to see a person you love and care about waste away from disease and I should facilitate helping them in any way that I can. Too tired to type more...

puuurrrrrr

XXX

(Chorus)
Where do bad folks go when they die?
They don't go to heaven where the angels fly
go to the lake of fire and fry
see them again 'till the fourth of July

I knew a lady who came from Duluth
bitten by a dog with a rabid tooth
She went to her grave just a little too soon
flew away howling on the yellow moon

(Chorus)
Where do bad folks go when they die?
They don't go to heaven where the angels fly
go to the lake of fire and fry
see them again 'till the fourth of July

people crying people moan
look for a dry place to call their home
try to find some place to rest their bones
While the angels and the devils try to make them their own

(Chorus)
Where do bad folks go when they die?
They don't go to heaven where the angels fly
go to the lake of fire and fry
see them again 'till the fourth of July
Lake of Fire
Originally by The Meat Puppets
Nirvana

Some days are harder than others

I want to believe the world is a decent place because there are some decent people that live in it. I want to believe that people follow through on things that they want to accomplish. I believe in something that most people have lost along the way. I will admit that at times I have strayed from the path been pushed back to follow one that at the time does not seem so easy but through it all I have remained a "dreamer". I love life and some days even though the day is a tough lesson I am reminded that the things I hold dear are really worth working for, for me. I find though that my tolerance for narrow minded, self centered, egotistical people is very, very small. I can not stand people that think that they are better than others and feel they must berate others based on little knowledge, using large words to try to cover the fact that they have no clue to what they are speaking or writing. It is wrong and rude but unfortunately it is something that one encounters, I am unsure of how to deal with it because arguing or debating with a person that feels superior will never listen and remain closed off from anything you can offer them. I am always learning and wondering and feel that even though I do not understand at times, I suppose whatever gets you through the day is great, might not be my way, may not be something I choose to do but if it helps the person then maybe it is the right way for them. I stay open because I believe that things are constantly changing and along with that so are people, that is my mistake I think, many people do not like change, they do not experience the thrill and excitement that brings change. It might suck at times but there is still that little bit that is good with the change and then there are the changes that make you flutter and brings a warm tingling feeling through out your being. I love that, a touch, maybe a word from the right person makes me feel the air around me and take me right there. Ooops, sorry, got a bit lost in the visualization of that for a moment, back to hard days. I wonder why someone would want to make someone else feel bad for liking something that they do not like or understand? It makes me sad that people are so unwilling to bend and when confronted by someone that asks them why, they hide behind being an insulting a**. I hope that I am never that person and when confronted with something I have little knowledge of, I open my mind to allow another perspective to be introduced. Ahhh, well some days are just harder than others.

Puuurrrrrrrr

XXX

My Merlin

Is home!!! He spent a night at the animal hospital, had another thoracentesis done with 2470 cc's pulled this time. Tonight is his follow-up visit but he seems a bit more energetic and very hungry!! Yay, I am so relieved and happy for now and I can breath for the first time in weeks. Funny how such a little tiny grey and white kitten can bring me so much happiness and joy. It is the simple things in life I suppose. The bean is very happy with how this has turned out.

Work has been crazy, entering out "bad" time of the year when everyone is doing poorly and the whole office becomes cranky and kind of disappointed that things are going as well as hoped.

Roller skating was not done this past weekend as the rink was closed for Fathers Day but we shall be skating again on Sunday evening this week and I should be getting my pads and helmet for Wednesday night practices too!!! Yay!!! Roller Derby here I come.

Other news well I am now not as crazy as I thought I was and have been able to relax on my appointments not sure if this means I am doing better or just annoying my psychiatrist, tee hee. I think it means that I am doing well and that the modification is working and hopefully successful!! Somehow it makes me feel like "A Clockwork Orange" at times without the eye holder openers and such. Feeling pretty good and it is summertime which makes it seem so wonderful and warm and sunny. Yay!!!

Puuurrrrrr

XXX

Days

It has been days but everytime I stop to sit down and blog, I can not focus on forming my thoughts into coherent patterns that are easily conveyed through this medium. I suppose with all bad things, good things will happen to make it seem less, well bad. This weekend has been spent spoiling my Merlin as much as possible though he is withdrawing more and sleeping more that is to be expected. I fear he will not be returning home with us on Monday, I could be wrong as hope creeps into the firm resolve I have set in my mind that this is the end of his existence with us. Puuuurrrrrrr, I love my kitten and will make a decision on what is best for him. I find it hard to hold another creatures life in my hands and to be able to make that decision, I am not entirely comfortable with it but realize that suffering and pain are not things I would want to continue if it was my life.One thing I do know is that animals do not have fear when it comes to death, unlike most humans, they know when it is time to let go and realize when it is futile to fight for survival any longer. All of this comes on a week when two fighters at work have finally decided to let the process start for them. It makes me a bit sad as hope is always sprouting up into me but I realize it is time for them to accept their decline and prepare for the next step. They fought hard to survive and beat their disease but in the end no matter what their mind thinks their bodies ultimately rules on this one. I hope they face this without any fear and realize that it is not so hard. I find myself in a similar situation as last summer, work and home are tough right now but at the end of the day I can still smile through my tears because I know that this is life and death is part of living.

Chaos and such

"Chaos often breeds life, when order breeds habit."
– Henry Adams

Chaos embodies 3 very importantprincipless:
-extreme sensitivity to initial conditions
-cause and effect are NOT proportional
-nonlinearity

Hmmmm-

Apoptosis

Today 10 billion of my cells died to balance the 10 billion produced in mitosis (hopefully) because my cells are programmed to die. Every human has this happen (hopefully) on a daily basis but when programmed cell death does not occur there are problems, big problems.

Today, I have come to the realization that my kitten will die soon. It saddens me beyond belief but his cells have mutated with FIP, cells are not following their proper apoptosis. Bodies have a delicate balance consisting of cell programming and genetic coding so that when the codes go wrong the programming does not function correctly. I suppose I should be happy that he has survived and been stable for almost 11 months when we were told that usually effusive FIP is fatal in a short period of time, weeks at best. I should feel good that he is loved and I did everything possible to make the inevitable a bit easier on him. I should be accepting of the fact that he is starting to show signs of decline and that the most humane thing is for him to be euthanized before progressing to the point of expiration. I should but I am not because I am selfish because I can not imagine coming home and not seeing my Merlin, going to bed without my Merlin, and day to day without my Merlin. I know enough to know that I will do what I must to make sure he is taken care of but really apoptosis when it goes wrong stinks, when programming and coding do not mesh and the cells turn against the whole way it is supposed to work it is horrible. Now I know there are larger problems in the world then my little kitten who is very young but it does not make it any easier to be the one to make the decision of when he should die. I know he has no fear like most people and I have no fear for him but I will miss him...Selfish Puck will miss him and the bean will surely miss him. Kind of stinks that she has had to deal with so much death over the past year or so but she understands as much as anyone can.

I wish I had never even heard the word apoptosis but it seems to play such a large role in my everyday life ....

Whirlwind

I have been ill but I have been busier than ever. Thursday was my beans field trip to DC to the Natural Museum of History it was OK but the girls I had in my group just wanted to keep wandering away from me, wish we had been able to stay for more than 2 hours but we will return over the summer so we can enjoy without trying to answer three pages of questions. Friday the bean received her report card, I am pleased to say she achieved her promotion and made honor roll. She has worked so hard this year and is very excited to start 7th grade in the fall. I am so gosh darn proud of my bean. I went to the Drs to make sure I was OK, was given some drugs, left work early and then got stuck in a downpour which caused me to get soaked. Grrrrr. Yesterday I did the normal household chores and then left for Relay for Life. Relay for Life is an all night event to support the American Cancer Society. It was cold, I walked over ten miles, and I did not sleep. We returned home at 6:30 am and I slept for about 4 hours, now it is off to do the shopping and then to the Charm City Roller Derby bout which I also volunteered to work at and so I can shoot some video and such. Yay!! Hopefully I will be better in a few days, luckily my Dr. is out tomorrow so I can lock my door and sleep!! Yay for my own office and door locks!!!!!!!!!!

Puuurrrrrr

XXX

Oh my goodness

I forgot today is 06/06/2006 which many people think of as 666 the sign of the beast (technically if you believe in the New Testament of the bible it is 616); shah don't tell though because it is more fun to. All I have to say is Bwwwahahahahahahahahahaha, Bwhaahahahahaahjahah. People are so weird and funny.

Missing my Downy Ball

I am a bit upset as someone in my building went into my washing laundry, turned it off and removed my Downy ball from the washer. The said person then proceeded to steal my Downy ball and laundry basket from the laundry room. I think I may know who it was but when I knocked on the persons door, the would not answer. Now I am getting annoyed. I was going to be nice and make it seem like maybe they had removed the stuff from the laundry room in an attempt to be "helping" me but now two days later my stuff has still not been returned to me. Everyone that knows me knows how crucial the Downy ball is to my life. I can not imagine the laundry even being washed without Downy in the rinse cycle. Now I will have to go buy a new Downy ball to replace the stolen one. The fact that someone reached into my washing laundry and removed it really bothers me, I mean blech it was wet dirty laundry not even rinsed, which brings me to another point, the person reset the machine and I then had to rewash everything and it weighed about 20 lbs as I removed it and moved it to another floor. I will no longer be washing laundry on my floor as the suspect lives there and now has creeped me out. Why, why would anyone steal a Downy ball, strange things are afoot. I wonder if he also "removed" my front door mat as that went missing a few months ago but everyone elses remained intact. hmmmm.........................

Ohhh, neat-o

I have decided that over the next three months if I go to New York for no other reason that this is why I would go: http://www.bodiestheexhibition.com/bodies.html
This is the coolest exhibit, the bean would love it (and me too)!!

Things have been busy, busy, busy. Went out to a friends house on Sat where I had dinner with ioan gun and hr rufnstuf. Got to meet her daughter and helped her organize some of her books and such. Very nice and relaxing.

Sunday, helped install a ceiling fan in my dining room, went back over to play at iona's and then went skating in an attempt to learn how to do crossovers. The bean has now stopped holding onto the wall and is skating with only one spill last night. She had a very long day yesterday and was very grumpy, grumpy, grumpy this morning.

Next weekend is going to be busy and lots of fun. Relay for Life all night Sat. Then being the merchandise girl at Sunday's Roller Derby Bout!! Yay!! Fun and exciting stuff. Tiring too, but it just makes me remember that there is a world outside of my apartment and summertime is just about here for us!! Yay!! I feel like I have been hibernating, hiding away from the world and have been forgetting to live. I think maybe I needed some downtime but I am now prepared to fully live again through my actions and initiate the necessary changes to accomplish this task. Hopefully everything will move the way that I would like but if it alters or changes, I am positive that I am capable of adapting and changing with it instead of struggling against it.

Anais Nin
"The personal life deeply lived always expands into truths beyond itself."

Anais Nin
"Dreams pass into the reality of action. From the actions stems the dream again; and this interdependence produces the highest form of living."

Anais Nin:
"Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death."

I found this interesting

http://www.venganza.org/index.htm I have read about this before and find it quite entertaining. The whole evolution and ID debate just annoys me. In my opinion it is a waste of time and money to debate this issue in public schools and during school board meetings. I feel if you want your child to have a religious education, you should (1) send them to a private school that teaches the religion you would like (2) homeschool (3) have your child attend religion education classes (4) or teach these ideas at home. I think everyone has a right to their beliefs, I do not think ID should be taught at all in a science class. Just my opinion and I think the site does bring up a valid point that if ID is allowed to be taught at public schools then other alternatives such as Pricipia Discordia, http://www.principiadiscordia.com/, scientology, http://www.scientology.org/, you get the point. Could you imagine how many different things would have to be taught to address the needs and beliefs of everyone? There would be no time to teach the children any actual science they would be so mired down in trying to learn alternative theories to evolution that they would have to just get rid of science all together. Well since we have discontinued many of the art programs, thanks to No Child Left Behind (Thanks so much for that crap) why not science too!!

Off to do some work.....maybe

Puurrr

XXX

Good feelings

Good feelings, yay!!

I finished of the research protocol which has consumed most of my work days today and I feel so happy to have sent it off to the pharmaceutical company!! 21 sections later, whew. I worked really hard on it and hope that not too many modifications need to be made.

Finished compiling all the ASCO stuff so that it was all neat and tidy and on it's way to Atlanta, actually it arrived this afternoon. Yay!!!

I wore my sneakers all day with my skirt and it looked somewhat dorky but I felt wonderful.

Preparing for skating on Sunday,

Thunderstorms, loud, sharp thunder with lightning that makes your hair stand up.

Hopefully tomorrow will be nice and quiet and people that piss me off will not bother me, not like the good, nice, considerate people that I work with. I will have to lock my office door and be selective when answering.

Next weekend is going to be busy as Relay for Life is Sat. evening until Sunday morning and then skating again on Sunday night, ohhh actually there is a bout that evening so maybe we will check that out instead.

Mmmmmmm and you know what I mean, mmmmmmmhmmmmmmmmmmm


Puuurrrrrr


XXX