Underwater
Everything is so calm, serene, and peaceful
Underwater I hear only muffled sounds of the world
bits and pieces come
Sometimes, I lay in bed and imagine myself underwater
to keep me from the movement of my mind
Lying there, I imagine swimming where I am alone
and nothing exists outside
my heartbeats echo through my head
and suddenly I break the surface to the
world, feeling alive and so full of colourful
sounds and colourful lives.

Behind her blue eyes
are the chemicals and receptors
that make her
Make her lost at times

Lost, so much lost,
forgotten behind those blue eyes
making her chemicals and receptors
work overtime

Working so hard to recall
everywhere she has been
what is hers or others
the crimes committed
as much against others as herself
those blue eyes

Looking in the mirror
going under
trying to recall from the bits and pieces
Now they come in her sleep

Waking drenched and crazy nightmares
are they real
or just chemicals and receptors
working against her

Nightmares, horrible, hers scars are more
prominent, in pictures
is it because she is remembering
behind those blue eyes

"The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of because words diminish your feelings - words shrink things that seem timeless when they are in your head to no more than living size when they are brought out.”
Stephen King

This quote seems to sum up how I feel lately. Everything I wanted to say seemed so much more important and worth so much to me until I said them out loud. I have difficulty in describing and putting words to my emotions. They seem so hollowed out and empty when they have left me. They are not received well and I feel I am a source of great frustration and not of hope and happiness. I am sad to say that my fears are surfacing much sooner than I thought they would. I was expecting this but not so soon. I am feeling an urge to run, hide and close myself off especially when the important things that I have such a hard time saying only bring more harm than good. Grrrrrrr.......

The Ocean

Carries me
I want to see the ocean
watch the waves and feel
the cold, crisp spray
Clear my mind and
soothe my
soul

Undertones

Undertones in your voice
I feel the resonance of those
Undertone

I do not say the things
I want

I am facing Fear
I am strong

I am learning
what I want

I will not Fear the
Undertones
in your voice

I will confront them
realize they are my
Fears
not yours

I will say
what I want

move from there

Reflection

Everyday for years I would prepare myself for class. Everyday before class I would transform into a ballerina. Hair, make-up, leotard, tights, everything had to be perfect. In class a large part of who you were was what you looked like. Some of these behaviors have carried over into my life now. I still feel the need to prepare myself, for what though, work, being a mommy? I try hard to not do this any longer because what I have to say is much more than what I look like. Dance uses movement to show expression but when you are performing someone else's expression you adopt what they are looking for and turn it into yours to a certain degree. It is your expression, in some ways but you are always reminded of what the director or everyone wants to see not what you want to see. That was the reality of the world I lived in. A world built on others feelings, emotions, stories; now I am trying to find my feelings, my expression, my story. It is not easy, difficult to shed the self that lived in that fantasy realm. I am working so hard for the first time on myself. I speak now, loudly at times, softly at other times but I am still finding my voice and learning how to cope and communicate my feelings; looking for my story. I find it hard at times to speak what I am feeling and find the words to describe these feelings difficult. I find that my flaws and imperfections are one of my strengths, they make me compassionate. I find that the patients that I work do not care what I look like but how I communicate with them. It is a good lesson for me to know that my voice is something that matters so much to so many others. I also am reminded that to be beautiful it does not matter if your hair, make-up, clothing, etc. is perfect. I am finding the beauty in my choices and actions as opposed to my external being. Just some thoughts......

Now, here, you see, it takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that!
Lewis Carroll

I came across this quote earlier this week in a book (Valiant) by Holly Black that I was reading. It is interesting as many of her quotes are quotes I know well. This one stuck with me through the past few days. I feel days, it so much effort just to maintain I must use so much more just to get elsewhere. Just liked this one and will add it to the list!

The fey wonders of the world only exist while there are those with the sight to see them.
Charles De Lint

You call them mad, crazy, insane but really are they or are you just blind? Who chooses what reality is? I think most people are trapped by their reality and are afraid to see what is really there, so maybe they are the crazy, insane, mad ones!!

All right then

So after careful consideration I have decided that "IT" must have left on it's own for I did not hear it all last night, either that or it died. Well that would stink, literally stink. I have also given much idea as to who to blame and I have chosen no one. Some things just happen and that is all there is to it. So my Sunshine will be happy to know that this is not blamed on him. Tee Hee

Why is it that sometimes when things happen that are not your responsibility or your fault, you feel the need to make them right. I do not understand sometimes how hard and scary it is to deal with a terminal illness until I look the person in the eye. In that persons I eyes I see so many things, so much, anxiety, stress, hope, happiness, sadness and things I could not even fathom I am sure. We all know what it is like trying to set up Drs. appointments, just a regular yearly examination is time consuming and frustrating. Try setting three to four different appointments in different departments and coordinating, it is not an easy thing. Today I looked into the eyes of a woman that will die, not today, not tomorrow but soon and I was happy that I had a moment or two to make her feel more comfortable, I hope it made her feel she is important because really she is.

Glamour- A magic spell; enchantment; alluring beauty or charm
I wonder at times if we do not all use a bit of glamour at times with the way we look or act. Why is that? Is it deceitful to the people around you? Or are we just deceiving ourselves?
Is it because we are unsure of ourselves? Or do we just crave a bit of magic and enchantment in our lives?
Who knows, lately I am without glamour because I can not afford to deceive myself or the people around me. I hope that one day people can look at me without glamour and realize that I am just as beautiful without it, silly humans!!

Taking a break

I am taking a break, been working lots today, I then had a lunch appointment so two 20oz cups of coffee, 4 vitamin and amino acids later and I am still sleepy. Go figure. I went to sleep early last night but found myself waking every hour and a half, so I do not think I am well rested. Then around 5 this morning the crying in my heating vent started. I could not tell what "IT" was but something was not happy. Here is the tale of my "IT" in the heating vent: I have heard scuttling in the vent and thought maybe a squirrel had gotten up inside the vent somehow, it entertained the kitties and only seemed to be up there for a few minutes. It sounded like it departed. A few days later, scuttling again, I figured it had gotten in again and decided I would have someone come and fix it after "IT" had departed again. Well, I never did that, (oopppsssss) as I have not had time to waste on the phone (yet oddly I am able to blog frequently), Last night I heard a commotion outside, thought it was a neighbor outside but now I am thinking that "something" happened to my "IT" in the heating vent. I do not know, all I know is that instead of blogging I should be calling someone to get "IT" out of my vent, but now I feel like it is my "IT" and I should be able to rescue or save "IT". Hmmmm, rabid squirrel bites me and must go through series of rabies shots. Ummmm, no we will pass on that idea, I will call someone about "IT", not my "IT" I must add, "IT" is naughty and maybe rabid so "IT" must be Sunshines "IT". Yeah that is it, I shall blame it all on my Sunshine and now it is all his fault. So there, no longer my problem. See that is the best logic I have had all day. So much better than writing about gene expression in prostate cancer, better than working on the cell lines and identifying which markers are upregulated. Arrrggghhh, break over back to the Western blots, the Northern analysis and IHC for the genes. Yay, genes!!!!!!!!

Puuurrrrrrrr

XXX

Settled

There are some days that I do not quite feel myself. I am a bit off, this is not a bad thing just awkward. My clothes do not fit right, my words do come out correctly, and I feel anxious and fidgety. Today I think it is because the holidays are over, I aggravated my back by carrying the tree out and decorations over to my storage area, back at work I realize how important this job is too me but others are not so inclined to do what they are supposed to. All in all today is a good day, just a bit anxious, nothing that I can not handle. I may call the Drs. and have my valium prescription filled, that might make things a bit more mellow and stop my back and shoulder from twitching.

I am very happy though because last night I received a call from my favorite friend in the whole wide world. We have known each other since I was 18 and I love and respect her more than she will ever know. We live pretty close to one another, a few hundred miles, she always makes me smile and I love it when we can spend time together. She is performing this Sat and I think I shall go to see her perform. You see she is my twin (at least that is what everyone thought a long time ago), not so much in the way we look anymore, but in the way we think at times. Anyway, just thought it was important to share my love for the lovely friend that is so dear to me.

I never understood before
I never knew what love was for
My heart was broke, my head was sore
What a feeling

Tied up in ancient history
I didnt believe in destiny
I look up you're standing next to me
What a feeling

What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
Brighter than sunshine
Let the rain fall, i don't care
I'm yours and suddenly you're mine
Suddenly you're mine
and it's brighter than sunshine

I never saw it happening
I'd given up and given in
I just couldn't take the hurt again
What a feeling

I didn't have the strength to fight
suddenly you seemed so right
Me and you
What a feeling

What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
It's brighter than sunshine
Let the rain fall, I don't care
I'm yours and suddenly you're mine
Suddenly you're mine

It's brighter than the sun
It's brighter than the sun
It's brighter than the sun, sun, shine.

Love will remain a mystery
But give me your hand and you will see
Your heart is keeping time with me

What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
It's brighter than sunshine
Let the rain fall, I don't care
I'm yours and suddenly you're mine
Suddenly you're mine

I got a feeling in my soul ...
Aqualung
Brighter Than Sunshine

I like this song. Makes me feel good and makes me feel a bit better.

Anxious and worried

And in the summer when the clouds show through
I might go the same way too if
You and I could talk together
Well what am I supposed to do with
You and I would walk together
Then with always close around and
Now you gaze toward the doorway
When the weather comes falling down

CHORUS
And when the rain comes down
Would you choose to walk or stay
Would you choose to walk
Would you choose to stay
Would you
Walk walk walk walk walk away
(away) (away) away away (away) away
away away walk away
Would you choose to walk away

And when the rain comes down
Would you choose to walk or stay
Would you choose to walk
Would you choose to stay
Would you
Walk walk walk walk walk away

Though when the day is nearly
Through I might see the same way too if
You would name the things
That bring you down on me so I could say it's
Not quite true if you don't really
Know or understand the circumstance
Behind then I might clear your
Mind and you won't have to go so
Sisters of Mercy
Walk Away

I over react at times but only because this is not easy. I am doing one of the hardest things I have ever done before. I will have to confront the fears which at times render me a paralyzed emotionally. I am trying so hard to be positive and remember what my goals are. This evening has been a challenge, the past few weeks have been a challenge for me also. Change is not easy, leaving is not easy, Why am I so worried and anxious?