Reflection

Everyday for years I would prepare myself for class. Everyday before class I would transform into a ballerina. Hair, make-up, leotard, tights, everything had to be perfect. In class a large part of who you were was what you looked like. Some of these behaviors have carried over into my life now. I still feel the need to prepare myself, for what though, work, being a mommy? I try hard to not do this any longer because what I have to say is much more than what I look like. Dance uses movement to show expression but when you are performing someone else's expression you adopt what they are looking for and turn it into yours to a certain degree. It is your expression, in some ways but you are always reminded of what the director or everyone wants to see not what you want to see. That was the reality of the world I lived in. A world built on others feelings, emotions, stories; now I am trying to find my feelings, my expression, my story. It is not easy, difficult to shed the self that lived in that fantasy realm. I am working so hard for the first time on myself. I speak now, loudly at times, softly at other times but I am still finding my voice and learning how to cope and communicate my feelings; looking for my story. I find it hard at times to speak what I am feeling and find the words to describe these feelings difficult. I find that my flaws and imperfections are one of my strengths, they make me compassionate. I find that the patients that I work do not care what I look like but how I communicate with them. It is a good lesson for me to know that my voice is something that matters so much to so many others. I also am reminded that to be beautiful it does not matter if your hair, make-up, clothing, etc. is perfect. I am finding the beauty in my choices and actions as opposed to my external being. Just some thoughts......