Thinking

Well that is all I have been doing since yesterday. I am trying to figure out some solution and have arrived at none. I am trying so hard to change my deep programming and it has required professional help but where is it getting me? I feel as if I have a fire of destruction creating a burn out where there should be nurturing and growth. I have allowed no time to nurture self, nor have I has anyone stepped to help in this nurturing. I have had a twisted energy of release and approached it with automatic program that pushes away what I actually want and need, turning myself away from things that would give me satisfaction, fulfillment and joy because I can not have what I want, so it seems easier to want nothing. The only solution I have come up with is if you love something, let it go, but that is not a solution at all. I need to jump out of my stuck in the mud before I am pushed. Arrrggghhhh.... I just want to lay in my bed and cry some more while I try to process and think of some other solution........

You can't shake hands with a clenched fist.
Indira Gandhi

It hit me like a clenched fist, made me sick
The realisation that nothing has or will be resolved
One thing will be and all your doubts regarding that
single aspect will leave you feeling better
while I lay in the dirt, underfoot
Stomping on me to get your "truth"
has made me understand that it
is about you, not us
There is no us, that you have clearly
stated that in a few words.
No together, just you
Well screw it, no more
I will provide you the truth and then maybe you
will realise that you have lost.


I am numb, not understanding, hurt, and feeling like a piece of crap because of this.

Yay!!

April came and paid use a visit from the smallest state. It was a fun time with red wine, faery card readings and coffee!! Puck went to the vets this morning and is in very good health Yay!!!

I am now home and alone with the bean, I feel a bit off. I had a great time and now I think maybe I will take a nap. I am feeling very anxious right now about some things and find that my anxiety is not made better in certain ways by the communications that i have lately. I have been kind of offended and become a bit defensive over the past few days, then annoyed about another issue, maybe I just need a trip to the soul dentist. I will ring and see if I can get in touch and maybe have what is bothering me extracted, another perspective that is not so emotionally tied will do me some good.

Love/Hate

I have this love/hate relationship with myself. I have had it for many years, so how does one find the path to embracing the hateful part and change it to a loving thing. I suppose that recognizing it is the first step but when I focus on the hate issues they just make me sad, depressed and upset. I think the hardest hate issue I am being challenged with lately is weight and self-image, I feel fat, nothing that I do to try and change this has worked, I know by "their" standards I am not fat but the knowing does not mesh with the hateful spiteful part of me that knows that I do not feel good having put on a few pounds. "They" think it is healthy, I do not, if anything it causes me to be less mentally healthy. "They" do not understand, I hate looking and feeling like this, it is like a black, vaporous tendril creeping into areas that like. I obsess over food lately, maybe because I have nothing else to obsess about, it is worrisome and time consuming, I do not like it. I wish "they" could just teach me how to stop it, just blow away the tendrils and allow it to be fine. I just wish sometimes it was a bit easier and not so much work and thought going into something that I hate. I guess that all the little exercises I have mastered for the other hates would work on this hate but they just have not. My physical body is just not working the way I want it to with my biochemical body, grrrrr.... I find this frustrating and I swear I have FLH hanging over all my pants, skirts, etc.. I will not even look in the mirror because it makes me feel sick. Funny when the other hates had their little tendrils wrapped around me, I never had these worries, I was quite happy with my physical self, of course that was three medications and 10 lbs ago. Blech.. I just wish I could figure it out and I felt like someone besides me cared about it....

Busy, busy, and busy

It has been a busy week thus far and so I have not had much time to write. Saturday we attended our first Bat Mitzvah. It was very long but it was ritualistic and beautiful. Becca did a great job and seemed very happy. Sunday I spent most of the day alone, relaxing and cleaning, how very exciting.

Work has been nice, busy but nice, not a repeat of the previous week. Thank goodness there are not many weeks like that.

I have been trying to find a balance between everything lately and have seemed to found a calm place in the midst of all of the things that are going on. I am happy that I work where I work and am sad to be leaving. I have found people that I respect, like to work with and have taught me so much. I hope I find someplace like this in CO.

My friend April is coming to town from RI tomorrow. We are very excited and are greatly looking forward to her visit!! *Does the happy dance*

Well the beans birthday is quickly approaching, a week from Sunday she will be 12, Wow!! 12 years seem to have flown by very quickly. We are having a mystery party but I still need to figure out an April Fools Day joke to play on the girls. Nothing good yet but I will think of something, maybe bugs in the ice cubes or something silly like that. Tee hee.

That is about it, off to make a slide presentation that was due a week ago and work on a manuscript. Woo Hoo!!!

Coffee is very good!! Yummy coffee!!

You can come back when you want to
just know that I'll be here
I haven't left this step
and when the lights go out
I pick the angel up
I only have two hands...
Is she here? is she here right now?
drive her off; don't bother to call
I'm checking out today...
Me and My charms
When I kiss the angel I have a taste of you
When I take the angel I have a piece of you
I have a piece
You can come back
I haven't left you yet
and when the lights go out
I pick the angel up
I only have two left feet
All I have in my hands, me and my charms
When I kiss the angel I have a taste of me and my charms
me and my charms down on the ground
You can't leave me now
I haven't left you yet
Me and My Charms
Kristin Hersh

Hmmmm... long days, active mind, too much going on and I have not quite figured it out. Ohhh, well, Thursday is quickly passing by... hmmmm...

Day three

Day three, third patient, it must be something in the air or water.

Feeling a bit better though today, I think it is because I had my brain picked. I find that a good brain poking and prodding usually puts me in a better mood. I have some things to think about and different perspectives to look at, which I suppose should make me feel a bit better but then again...... The interestig thing is that sometimes it just confuses me more.

I am so looking forward to my day off in two weeks. It will be nice to take a day of and not because someone is sick. The beans birthday party is planned, invitations are out and it looks like it will be great fun!! The bean is very excited and her friends all think that it is very cool

Ok, change that to 4 patients in three days, what the heck is going on. Must go work and get the death certificates ready. Urrrggghhhhhh

Gaaawwwddddd

I will laugh because otherwise I might just put my head in my hands and cry,and I wonder why I feel up and down so much, day two of my week and patient two had to go and expire last night. First thing this morning, police on the phone, angry family members, you get the point. So here I find myself dealing with the death stuff again, over and over, I think I reach a point where I understand, have some comfort and then two families to deal with in two days, so much emotional stuff. They are thankful and grateful for everything that was done but are upset and angry and sad they could do nothing. When I first started working here, my one Dr asked if I had seen the move The Sixth Sense, I replied yes (it was a good movie) he said "Well all my patients are dead they just do not know it yet." Now to the outside observer that might seem a bit harsh but this is the man that has accepted the burden to tell these people honestly that they can not be fixed. He has to make light of it somehow otherwise he would be a very sad and angry man. I suppose that is one of the reasons I do enjoy working here because at the end of the day the people I work with are compassionate, caring, honest people that do not work in private practice, would rather take care of patients and do research. They not only work here but over at the VA as well and that really is not for the money. I feel a bit better remembering my reasons for wanting to be here, to give back to the family and patients something that was given to me, to allow me to see the hope, strength and courage our patients and family face, and to be able to meet some truly amazing people (even if short periods of time). I guess it is not too bad but dealing with police on the phone before coffee, they should know better!!! Ahhh well, back to work, it is going to be a busy day!

Ohh, and my bean is trying out for the girls soccer team today!! Go, my bean!!

Association

Fool enough to almost be it
Cool enough to not quite see it
Doomed
Pick your pockets full of sorrow
And run away with me tomorrow
June

We’ll try and ease the pain
But somehow we’ll feel the same
Well, no one knows
Where our secrets go

I send a heart to all my dearies
When your life is so, so dreary
Dream
I’m rumored to the straight and narrow
While the harlots of my perils
Scream

And I fail
But when I can, I will
Try to understand
That when I can, I will

Mother weep the years I’m missing
All our time can’t be given
Back
Shut my mouth and strike the demons
That cursed you and your reasons
Out of hand and out of season
Out of love and out of feeling
So bad

When I can, I will
Words defy the plan
When I can, I will

Fool enough to almost be it
And cool enough to not quite see it
And old enough to always feel this
Always old, I’ll always feel this

No more promise no more sorrow
No longer will I follow
Can anybody hear me
I just want to be me
When I can, I will
Try to understand
That when I can, I will

Smashing Pumpkins
Mayonaise

Heard this song this morning and it made me feel a dip in myself. I know all the words, they pull from me painfully, bitterly. I just do not know why, why should this song make me feel so aware of those emotions. I mean it is just a song, what is the association to me, but at the same moment I feel the bitter taste in my mouth I also feel a sweet, sweet feeling of happiness in a wave. Hmmmmm.......

*goes off to ponder*

Wondering

Today was a beautiful spring like day, the faeries and pixies surely must have been out playing in the lovely day!! With that said I go onto the next part of my post....

I wonder sometimes what it must be to be the person to tell a family it is time to let go. This subject came up this afternoon, a family member called regarding one of our patients that is in the hospital, Dr E spoke to him and explained that this was the end, we are unable to do anything else. When he was off the phone Dr E said I had to let them know that nothing else could be done, that it was OK to let him go. They call looking for the answer they know is there already but do not acknowledge it until it is said out loud. I have to wonder how much this affects the bearer of those words, that is strong enough to say it out loud when no one else will. It must be a tough burden to be that person and I feel bad that it has to be that way. We joke, we laugh to relieve the stress of knowing that these words will have to be said eventually over and over about many people. I suppose it should make me sad but today it just is making me wonder when the time is there can you ever be strong enough to say farewell. Farewell to your father, brother, sister, mother, good friend, I suppose that it may be easier when you know that the person has had a full life but who defines a full life. I mean Dana Reeves died at a young age by today's standard, but maybe her life was full and it was her time. We may grieve over our loss but I must feel good about the end of the suffering and pain that many experience. It is not up to me, you or anyone to decide when that time is. I wonder why it so hard when you see the person suffering so .... I suppose I will go on wondering and I will ask the bearer of those words how they cope with that task. Ohhh my.... with a sigh and a smile, feeling calm and relaxed. I know one family now can say the words that need to be said out loud hopefully before that time.

Thinking

I have been thinking about you
I lay in my bed thinking
Thinking about all the fun we are going to have
All the things I want to do with you
All the things that you are but have yet to discover
How much I want you
sleeping next to me
holding my hand
building a life
seeing you in her eyes
having a life together
Puuuurrrrrrrrr
XXX

Sick Day

Home on a sick day with a bean that is all stuffy, sniffly and not so happy. Poor bunnies, she will survive but alas she is not feeling well. Unfortunately this means no one to pick my brain this afternoon and help me reconcile my behaviors. Well, I suppose that I shall survive as well until next week. So today will be a day of relaxation, hot baths, tea and soup with crackers with some extra love!!!

Well this weeks anxiety seems to have decreased and I feel a bit better, more like myself. Thank goodness!!!!! Spring shall be arriving later this week, so they say and I am very excited. Yay!!! Warmer days where I can go out with the bean and play hopscotch, jump rope and other fun things. Yay!!!!!

Funny

It is funny how you view yourself sometimes. When I was young I felt ugly and unattractive. Things change as you get older but when one thing makes me feel insecure, I at times revert back to that thinking. I have been a bit anxious and stressed (like you could not tell from previous posts) and I find that when this happens I behave in a different mindset. Gone is the confidence that I am beautiful and attractive, in creeps the insecurities that have plagued me for most of my life, adult and child. I am fat, my face looks huge, my lips are chicken lips, and I am generally unattractive. I know this is not true but trying to convince myself is a challenge. I wonder when this pattern of thinking started, I try to figure out why, and I come up empty. I hate to place blame on other people but did my parents do this to me? I mean really, I had the normal teasing when I was little, face it kids are just plain little stinkers and can be cruel. I grew up thinking my older sister was the smart one, so I could not be that; my middle sister was pretty, so I could not be that, I was told I was the talented one, not pretty, not smart just talented. Well they were wrong, I suppose I am talented but by the time I got there I was thoroughly screwed in the head. Why could I not be all three of those things together, I am not just one thing I mean I am many. Oh well, thank goodness I have therapy tomorrow maybe we can pick this apart and fix it so I do not revert back to that mindset everytime I face an issue and everytime I become insecure it makes me feel so bad. I wish they could just fix my circuitry to work the right way.

So why does it bother me

It bothers me, why does it bother me? It bothers me because I hate being called names. Ouch, it hurts right there!! You ask me why it bothers me so much well here you go...
I am trying to transition easily with little stress and few complications. Already a couple of stressful things have been thrown into my path but I gracefully trip over them and try to work around them without falling flat on my face. I feel no love of late and frankly it scares me. I feel like I am intentionally being pushed away. After a night of no decent rest and stupid weird dreams, I am trying to concentrate on work and such. No luck there either maybe I should leave early and take a mental health day. I might just do that and go walk around the Harbor and watch the people try to figure out why things are so tense and not flowing right now. I can not help it I am passionate and concerned about some things but why must I be made to feel like everything I think is not right and that my reactions are wrong. I do not like feeling this way. Grrrrr

I see, well then

ri·dic·u·lous P Pronunciation Key (r-dky-ls)
adj.
Deserving or inspiring ridicule; absurd, preposterous, or silly
dictionary.com

I suppose I am ridiculous this evening deserving ridicule because I am protective of my child. Why is it because you live in the suburbs you feel safe. Well you see living in a city with the population of 5,296,486 I feel the need to keep a watch on my child. Yes the bean will be 12 but she is still a child. The interesting thing is even though I live in a large city statistically there are less registered sex offenders than where I am moving. There are no registered sex offenders in my zip code here but where we are moving there are quite a few compared to the population size. Am I ridiculous for not feeling confident in other people, things happen everywhere even in decent good places. Should I act any differently because I will be in a small town? NO!!!! Call me deserving of ridicule if you must but I am not naive!!! Why should I feel ridiculous? Think about how ridiculous I am and get back to me on that. Push.... Push..... Pushed.......

Thoughts

~Conformity is the jailer of freedom and the enemy of growth~ (John F Kennedy)

I have never been able to conform to the "normal" way of thinking. Is that bad? No way, I never want to stop daydreaming or believing in the world of the fey or any of those things that many people think are frivolous and not important. To me these things are like breathing they come naturally, easily and are very important, the "real" world that I think most people have conformed to is not fun it defiantly does not laugh or smile enough. People are much to serious and need to lighten up!! There are times when things feel a bit dull and stagnant but then I realize as I look at the stars or I go out front and spin until I fall down that it is all there just waiting to be seen and felt!! Whispering with each life that is there........

~I'd hear the soughing in the trees and almost always catch the hidden words being sung within it. I'd see faces in trees and flowers and clouds. I've just always been very aware of other life around me~ (Jacqueline Collen-Tarrolly)


~Faeries tell us that small things can hold great truths~ (Brian Froud)
~Faeries are not a fantasy but a connection to reality~ (Brian Froud)

Puuuurrrrrr!!!!!!!

Ahhhh

Feeling better. Amazing what a full seven hours of sleep will do for you, the world seems a bit better. Brighter even though it is a quite grey outside. I am attempting to work. Really it has been busy; getting a grant in for a new vaccine that I think will go to animal testing soon. That is a good thing. Yay!!! It is a ton of work though. Budgets keep needing to be rewritten, biosketches for everyone involved, the actual grant to put together also!! I like working so much but it is also nice to take a break away for a few minutes. I also need to do a slide presentation today which should be pretty simple in design, only 6-7 slides. So I wait like pie for the school police officers to call. The beans iPod was stolen yesterday from school. The list of potential suspects are in and they are interviewing. *Crosses fingers and hopes they retrieve it* Back to worky work work. Tra lalalalalalala

Quite random today and full of fragmented thoughts .....