Made through

Well the stringbean made it through her first day of sixth grade with the ease and grace of a pro. I on the other hand was told that I could not hold her hand or walk her to her homeroom. Jeez, after 11 years I am told she is capable of doing this on her own. I think that it my decision when and how she can grow up after all I gave birth to her, well maybe she was hatched. Tee hee! Another thing I realized is how large all the kids are. Some of Hayley's classmates are larger than I am, I will admit that I am petite in stature but really when a sixth grader has a larger chest, what are these kids eating and drinking.

Well back to the Cancer Center tomorrow, not a day too soon either, anymore time off and I might have lost my mind.

New house is good and pretty much put in order.

Puuurrrr

XXX

Disappointed

It is hard dealing with disappointment at 34 but at 11 your world seems to crumble. Tonight my stringbean was faced with a disappointment that I am unable to fix. It makes me so sad when her expectations of people go out a window. She tries so hard and I think at times maybe she feels like it is something she has done that puts her in these situations. I try to console, comfort and turn the situation around but I guess she is becoming her own person with her own thoughts and conclusions. The best that I can do is give her lots of love and dry her tears. Sniffle, sniffle.

So tired

but it is so worth it

I like this. It makes me feel a tingle under my ribcage, into my throat. When art impacts me like this it makes me feel somewhat giddy. I can not smell this, taste this, hear this but I can see it and for something visual to move me there feels wonderful. I could stare at this all day and feel lost in the depth of it. This is how I feel when I dance, full of everything and nothing all at once. This is the moment that I slip away from the "real world" where at times I do not exist.

Puuurrrrrr

XXX

They who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night."
Edgar Allan Poe

I am a dreamer and lots of time I find part of my day is dreamed away. I do not mind as I feel this is a sign of a creative, imaginative mind.

As I sit here and daydream this is the topic of my daydreams today...
Thy mouth is like a band of scarlet on a tower of ivory. It is like a pomegranate cut in twain with a knife of ivory. The pomegranate flowers that blossom in the gardens of Tyre, and are redder than roses, are not so red. The red blasts of trumpets that herald the approach of kings, and make afraid the enemy, are not so red. Thy mouth is redder than the feet of those who tread the wine in the wine-press. It is redder than the feet of the doves who inhabit the temples and are fed by the priests. It is redder than the feet of him who cometh from a forest where he hath slain a lion, and seen gilded tigers. Thy mouth is like a branch of coral that fishers have found in the twilight of the sea, the coral that they keep for the kings! . . . It is like the vermilion that the Moahites find in the mines of Moab, the vermilion that the kings take from them. It is like the bow of the King of the Persians, that is painted with vermilion, and is tipped with coral. There is nothing in the world so red as thy mouth . . . . Suffer me to kiss thy mouth.
Oscar Wilde

Sweet mouth
full of kisses
so sensual

It turns me on and that is why I love to daydream during moments of my day!

Puuuurrrrrr

XXX

Some days

Some days seem so much harder than others to get out of bed. Especially when your Tuesday feels like your Monday. I took yesterday off so now on this cloudy, stormy day I arrive to an office that has much work. It is so funny that on Monday my work tripled because I was not here. My work is multiplying like tribbles. Ohhh now I have trouble with tribbles, I mean work, like getting any of it done. As I drink my 8th cup of coffee this afternoon, jeez wonder why my stomach hurts, I struggle to stay awake. The last few nights have not been full of sleep, the stringbean has some horrible cold/allergies problem this week. Hopefully it shall resolve itself soon. I also feel very anxious that I will arrive home to a very sick kitten one day and that my tiny little kitten will then also become home with the dreaded FIP (which sucks as far as disease for kittens go). I also find myself today feeling disappointed today as well, it just seems sometimes things that seem so important to me are not to others. I mean it is OK, I understand everyone has different priorities and such but everyone should think the stuff we are doing is much more important than things they have going on. Well maybe that is unrealistic, I will give a little, maybe they should just act like they give a f***. Ohhh, well such is life at times. I think I shall go wander down and talk to some people that should perk me up a bit. My office sometimes becomes very lonely as I dwell in it all alone. Ohhhh, here come those tribbles again.....

Letting Go

For twenty years I've sought the Other.
Now, letting go, I fly out of the pit.
What use oneness of mind and body?
These days I only sing la-la-la.

- Keso Shogaku, 15th C

Preparing to move, I feel I must heed the advice given and let go of certain things. As this is the first of 2 moves I will be making in a 12 month period I feel it is time to part company with some old things I have carried with me for years. It is hard though, I find that I have thoughts attached to objects. I am ready though to part with a decent amount of my possessions and to move forward. It is interesting to me that at this time I struggle to retreive my past only to let it go. I suppose that until I can release these memories I shall not acheive true harmony and happiness within myself. I strive to resolve conflict and enjoy balance in my existence.

Puuurrrrrrr

XXX

Ewwwwww

OK, I am all for research and development of new and interesting things but this just skeeves me out. Growing and consuming meat from the lab. http://www.liebertpub.com/publication.aspx?pub_id=56
Gross! Just in the research stage but can anyone say disgusting. Yuckety, yuck, yuck, yuck.

Morning

Well, I have survived the night of the sleepover, feed the girls and decided it is too oppressive to be outside at all this morning. We will go swimming later this afternoon so that should be fun. Now it is time to relax and drink coffee. Yummy, I love coffee. I have shut myself in my room away from little girls and decided to listen to some music. What is on the playlist this morning? The Sugarcubes, Bjork, Nirvana, Mates of States, System of a Down, Ministry and David Bowie. Been in the mood lately for lots of Bjork and The Sugarcubes, I do not know why but maybe it has to do with my dreams. Nostalgia I suppose. Merlin is doing well and has been asking for lots of attention and play. That is a very good sign. I suppose I really should be packing and such but I do not feel like it at all. My house is full of madness at this period of time. Boxes everywhere, no pictures or paintings on the wall, it drives me bonkers. It totally lacks any personality at this moment and that really gets under my skin. Grrrrrrr. Only 2 more weeks until we move though, thank goodness. Hmmmm, Birthday by the Sugarcubes is one of my all time favorite songs. I want to walk around with spiders in my pockets. It sounds like fun. tra lalalalalalaalalalala.

Puuurrrrrrrr

XXX

Lalalalalalalala

Mmmmm, while speaking to a friend of mine about how today I am the most horrible mother in the world, as I was unable to attend the string beans last day of camp talent show, I was invited to see Tori Amos from backstage at Pier Six Pavillion in Baltimore. My friend is doing sound so he is letting myself, the string bean and his girl all sit backstage and hang out. Should be fun. I will take pictures and post them after the 24th of August.

On other musical notes, The Violent Femmes are doing a free concert on August 27. I think that I shall also attend this as well. I love the Violent Femmes. Fun music!!

I still feel like the worlds worst Mommy though!

Grrrrrrrrr!

Friday

Thank good ness it is Friday. Though I wish maybe it was a bit later in the day. Work has been quite consuming as of late. Manuscripts, book chapters, cytology reports, 3 research protocols and learning how to interpret CT, MRI and bone scans for progression of disease. Fascinating but quite overwhelming at times.

Sleepover night tonight yeah. The string bean is having a friend over as it is her last day of summer camp. If I am lucky I will be able to sleep in until at least 6:30-7:00. Only 2 weeks until school. Yeah, we love school, sometimes. LOL.

I awoke this morning realizing that I have not been sleeping well. I try to sleep at least 6 hours a night hoping that this will make me feel well and rested. It has not been working, I must be sleeping but my dreams have been so tweaks lately. I believe that maybe the hypnosis have something to do with it. Memories maybe manifesting themselves when I completely relaxed. I do not like it, nope not one single bit. Thank the scientist who started making Valium, the FDA who has let it stay on the market and the crazy doctor who prescribes it for me. Anxiety has been a major issue this week. Could not have mentally been able to make it without my little helpers.

Ooopppssss. I should be working, should being a relative term there. I am not much in the mood to do anything but goof off today.

Puuuurrrrrr

XXX

Start

It starts....
With a whisper in my ear
a nudge at my neck
a warmth spreading through me
mmmm, there right there....

Shadows

Why is it that when your friends begin relationships with a person they seem to forget all about the people that have supported them when they were alone? I find it very funny and somewhat frustrating that when one of my friends has a new love interest and they completely disappear. I understand the passion that exists in the first few weeks/months/years but I also remember the constant phone calls and visits when things go wonky. The average length of most of my friends relationships seem to be 3 months to 2 years before the crap hits the fan. After careful evaluation last night, I can only think of one person that has lasted in a relationship longer than that and that person is quite miserable about it. I think because one becomes so consumed in a relationship maybe they lose the "I" in them and then become a "We". I do not think being a "We" is a bad thing but to lose the "I" in becoming "We" causes large problems. I would like to be a "We" on a full time basis but maintain my "I" as well. I want to be a separate entity, not defined as a couple. When I point this out to my friend(s) after the downfall and real life starts to crumble the expectations and fantasy they have built, they moan and carry on because after time the person they had created in their head was not the person they wanted. Why???? Because they never took the time to truly explore who the person was and what the other wanted. I give this much consideration due to the fact that I am attempting to make serious changes in my thoughts, reasoning and life goals. I do not want to be that person my friend has become. I want to be the person that is clearly defined, who understands what my partner wants and why he wants those things, while maintaining "I" to build upon being a complete "We".

Next thought for the morning, I have so much passion for the person who makes me smile on the inside that it scares the poo out of me. This soul impacts me very much and it would be so much easier at times to just say F**k it and walk away. I am trying to break that pattern of when being confronted with things that I fear that I do not create situations to remove them from my life. It is a pattern which needs to be changed. Fear is hard to deal with, acceptance of having these fears of hurt, disappointment and betrayal are hard to accept and let go as well. I realize to maintain a healthy relationship I need to let go and confront my fears. I just need to figure out an acceptable way of doing this.

I love to smile from the inside out. So many people do not do this and are miserable all the time. Why? I swear some people try to make you miserable just because their lives suck so much. I can not stand that. When confronted with a situation where someone tries to draw me into their misery you know because misery loves company) I just smile a little bit more, pulling it out from the deepest depths of myself. So take that!!!!!

Puurrrr

XXX

Faery Blogging

Have camera, have wings, have corset and skirt, and feeling a little mischievous. It is faery time. I mean after all this is a Faery blog. Exciting isn't it? Being a faery is kind of exciting and maybe a little naughty too!

Happy now

Well after going to the vets last night we have been offered a different route regarding Merlin. We are attempting medication. The medication is not a cure but an option to help him maintain a quality of life for a period of time. Only time will tell and all I know is that I am so happy I woke up with my two kittens! It is the little things in life that make me happy.

So sad

I am so sad today knowing what tomorrow brings. Tonight is Merlin's last night with us and it makes me cry over and over. Merlin has been diagnosis with FIP. A horrible disease that cats get. I keep thinking maybe it could be something else but alas after researching extensively since Thursday I have found nothing. The progression of this disease was so fast. Wednesday night after spending 4.5 hours at the emergency room vets, three thoracentisis's, numerous x-rays and general cytology, FIP is the diagnosis. We have decided that after spending a weekend with him we will have to euthanize him before his lungs fill with fluid again. We could continue with the lung taps but given the size of what we believe is a soft tissue mass I do not want him to suffer. This has to be the hardest thing I have had to deal with and it sucks. Merlin has brought me so much joy and comfort so often.

The interesting thing that was pointed out to me earlier, by my sunshine, is my life over the past year revolves around death. Beside the death of my two aunts and my grandfather, I am surrounded by lung cancer death, one of which was my grandfathers, so professionally and personally lung cancer has consumed my life of late. Lung taps, upset family, and upset patients are my world. At least Merlin does not have to go through the decline and progression of his disease, thank goodness. I am humbled daily by what the patients and their family go through in a fight against a disease that is all consuming in the end. The hope that one day the understanding of the mutation of cells will be understood and stopped keeps me working and helping as much as possible, in any way that I can.

Magic

Come dance with me. Flowing effortlessly

Merlin

I look forward to seeing his little white nose everyday when I come home.
His soft grey fur as he pushes his face against mine.
The way he smells as I snuggle my face up against him.
This by far is going to be the hardest thing I think I have ever done.
My best friend, my companion will take his last trip to the vets on Monday night.
I will say goodbye and be thankful for all the things he has given me.
I love this little kitten and he loves me.
I just keep thinking, Why? Why my handsome kitten.
It makes me so very sad and leaves me feeling so very lonely.

Hmmmmmmmm

Things I have pondered today:
1.Why is it that people have such an issue about sex. Talking about it recently with a friend of mine I was confronted with an acquaintance that felt discussing fellatio was "perverted". I have to wonder, WHY? I feel that coitus, fellatio and cunnilingus is an incredible thing and that I would be very unhappy if I was unable to share that with my partner. I love the way he makes me feel the joining of two souls and bodies entwined. Sharing the most intimate parts of myself which are tucked away from the outside world most of the day. I want that with my partner and I have that with him. I am not ashamed nor embarrassed by having these wants and needs. I am aware of my body, what my body and mind desire and I have a partner that loves to indulge me. I am naughty and dirty, that's OK, I accept it.

2. New technologies and approaches to treating cancer. Not a topic most people like to talk about but over the next ten years I think great advances will be made in this area of research. I am lucky enough to work with two researchers that are extremely dedicated and creative in their approaches to treatment for two very aggressive cancers, lung and prostate. I am learning quite a bit and it keeps my mind actively involved and focused.

3. How much more stuff can I get rid of before I move. I certainly do not feel like packing and moving everything in 3 weeks. It s too much stuff. I need to organize and streamline. I need 8-10 more hours in the day just to get the everything done. Ohhh well.

4. My daughter is growing up too fast for me. 73 lbs., 57.5 inches. Maybe if I stop feeding her and watering her she will just stay 11 forever. Damn, that would not work. Ohh well, I guess I will just let nature takes it course and trip along behind. Sniffle sniffle.

5. I need a hobby. The love of my life keeps reminding me of this task but I keep stalling. I have thought of a few things this week that I would like to attempt. The new complex I am moving to has just built a gym/work out space which is perfect for dancing. I was recently asked by my friend Sarah if I would like to do some improv dancing with her. I think that might be quite enjoyable as I love to dance. I also want to tango with my partner, which I think would be very sexy and fun. Puuuuurrrrrrrr!!!!!!

6. One of my very good friends called today, it was good hearing from him as he is always very busy recently. I would like to make an effort to go see him play. September 8 he will be performing at the Ottobar I think I will need to make an appearance as I have not gone to hear him play in about 3-4 years. Ouch, I think that might make me a lousy friend. Ohh well life moves so quickly it seems.

Those are my ponderings for today. I am sure I will have many more as the night continues.

XXX