Shadows

Why is it that when your friends begin relationships with a person they seem to forget all about the people that have supported them when they were alone? I find it very funny and somewhat frustrating that when one of my friends has a new love interest and they completely disappear. I understand the passion that exists in the first few weeks/months/years but I also remember the constant phone calls and visits when things go wonky. The average length of most of my friends relationships seem to be 3 months to 2 years before the crap hits the fan. After careful evaluation last night, I can only think of one person that has lasted in a relationship longer than that and that person is quite miserable about it. I think because one becomes so consumed in a relationship maybe they lose the "I" in them and then become a "We". I do not think being a "We" is a bad thing but to lose the "I" in becoming "We" causes large problems. I would like to be a "We" on a full time basis but maintain my "I" as well. I want to be a separate entity, not defined as a couple. When I point this out to my friend(s) after the downfall and real life starts to crumble the expectations and fantasy they have built, they moan and carry on because after time the person they had created in their head was not the person they wanted. Why???? Because they never took the time to truly explore who the person was and what the other wanted. I give this much consideration due to the fact that I am attempting to make serious changes in my thoughts, reasoning and life goals. I do not want to be that person my friend has become. I want to be the person that is clearly defined, who understands what my partner wants and why he wants those things, while maintaining "I" to build upon being a complete "We".

Next thought for the morning, I have so much passion for the person who makes me smile on the inside that it scares the poo out of me. This soul impacts me very much and it would be so much easier at times to just say F**k it and walk away. I am trying to break that pattern of when being confronted with things that I fear that I do not create situations to remove them from my life. It is a pattern which needs to be changed. Fear is hard to deal with, acceptance of having these fears of hurt, disappointment and betrayal are hard to accept and let go as well. I realize to maintain a healthy relationship I need to let go and confront my fears. I just need to figure out an acceptable way of doing this.

I love to smile from the inside out. So many people do not do this and are miserable all the time. Why? I swear some people try to make you miserable just because their lives suck so much. I can not stand that. When confronted with a situation where someone tries to draw me into their misery you know because misery loves company) I just smile a little bit more, pulling it out from the deepest depths of myself. So take that!!!!!

Puurrrr

XXX