Do over

Technically if you die after saying being run over by a bus and survive does that mean you get a "do over"? I mean really if you survive you should get to decide how old you really are and start right there, right? I only ask because last night while speaking to a friend it was decided even though my date of birth is Sunday my rebirth then technically speaking is in December. Does that mean I am able to celebrate both? Hahahahah....

Last night my one of my favorite movies of all times was on...The Red Shoes. It is a wonderful movie I think everyone should watch it at least once. It is so tragic and no matter how many times I watch it I still cry and sob at the end even though I know what is coming.

Here is a quite from the movie:
Boris Lermontov: Don't forget, a great impression of simplicity can only be achieved by great agony of body and spirit.

Boris Lermontov: You cannot have it both ways. A dancer who relies upon the doubtful comforts of human love can never be a great dancer. Never.

Then Katie came out with her album titled The Red Shoes
The Red Shoes
1993
Oh she move like the diva do
I said Id love to dance like you.
She said just take off my red shoes
Put them on and your dreamll come true
With no words, with no song
You can dance the dream with your body on
And this curve, is your smile
And this cross, is your heart
And this line, is your path

Oh its gonna be the way you always thought it would be
But its gonna be no illusion
Oh its gonna be the way you always dreamt about it
But its gonna be really happening to ya
Really happening to ya
Really happening to ya

Oh the minute I put them on
I knew I had done something wrong
All her gifts for the dance had gone
Its the red shoes, they cant stop dancing, dancing
And this curve, is your smile
And this cross, is your heart
And this line, is your path

Oh its gonna be the way you always thought it would be
But its gonna be no illusion
Oh its gonna be the way you always dreamt about it
But its gonna be really happening to ya

She gotta dance, she gotta dance
And she cant stop till them shoes come off
These shoes do, a kind of voodoo
Theyre gonna make her dance till her legs fall off

Feel your hair come tumbling down
Feel your feet start kissing the ground
Feel your arms are opening out
And see your eyes are lifted to god
With no words, with no song
Im gonna dance the dream
And make the dream come true
Im gonna dance the dream
And make the dream come true

She gotta dance, she gotta dance
And she cant stop till them shoes come off
These shoes do, a kind of voodoo
Theyre gonna make her dance till her legs fall off
Call a doctor, call a priest
Theyre gonna whip her up like a helicopter

Really happening to ya
Really happening to ya

You gotta dance....

Is there a reason why to this day I own so many red shoes? Hmmmm.....

I was on a search, trying to figure out why so many people tolerate me and put up with me after all the crap I have put them through. This is an answer I received from a dear friend, "I have known all along that you are a person full of life and passion, good good qualities but hard to control and harness without having focus. You have and are working so hard to make yourself able to control those aspects and merge them into one person and all the old things do not really matter, being around you has been at the very least interesting and never dull". Can you write me a damn happy song then about the person I am now that does not cause you any angst? I guess thats kind of hard when you write the blues and the fact you got no reason to scribe songs for me anyway... Well, I do not feel dull, just busy and even, still lots of passion and life, feeling kind of sparkly and shiny these days.

Living

Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death.
Anais Nin

Life is truly known only to those who suffer, lose, endure adversity and stumble from defeat to defeat.
Anais Nin

I have worked hard to become who I am over the past few years, the interesting thing is as I work to become the person that I want to be, that person keeps expanding. Ideals, goals, passion, and all the connections I have made, old and new alter and change for the better, open and honest. After leaving the world of fantasy created and believed by myself while living only in my head, I realize that there is so much to experience. I closed out the bad parts and created only good things and running away from all the bad, hiding inside myself so far and ever not realizing the harm to others and myself that it created by being so unbalanced and scared. I never realized how sensitive I am to outside influences, how with all the bad, ugly, and harsh realities there is also empathy, compassion and beauty. Learning this has made me understand and alter my perception of what I am searching for. I am happy to no longer live in a world made up of make believe and craziness. There is enough crazy in the world that my adding to it just feeds illusion. I like expanding and learning it makes me feel comfortable in who I am and keeps me from being routine and stagnant. Fear and anxiety are not a way to live a life, it grew tiresome and hard to "live" in such a state. I am appalled at how I behaved and the overwhelming fallout for my behaviour and its affect on all surrounding me. I can not undo what was done in the past but I can learn and understand from those moments, otherwise what would be the point.