Deadlines

So what am I doing posting while I have the huge grant deadline which has been pushed to Tuesday, well I have been enduring headaches, stomach aches and pretty much everything else that comes along with having a grant and paper deadline. Could it be a small grant or an easy paper, NO!!! Why even bother, we should just make it as difficult as possible and have my head explode. It is only 500,000 dollars if I screw up and a rejection letter from the publisher of a top-notch journal. Whew, no pressure there. I also have another abscess in the tooth which has caused some slight swelling in my jaw and a bit of pain, hnnn, could that be a contributing factor in my brain feeling like it should explode, maybe, who knows.....

I believe by posting here it may offer some stress management and alleviate the general anxiety I have been feeling since Monday when I started working on the Biophysics paper and realized the deadline for our internal submission for the grant was actually Tuesday and the grant person would not be in to help me process the said grant.......grrrrrrrr.....

I tried to skate last night but about 1.5 hours into it with the realization that a sandwich is hardly substantial nourishment to make it through the day, let alone three hours of practice, my jaw started to get larger and hurt more, and I just started to feel a bit sick from the antibiotics, I realized skating was not an option or a possibility when all these things popped up. jeez, how did I dance for hours on a cup of coffee and I can not skate even after having lunch, dancing was just as hard and endurance was a huge factor, I guess I am not as young as I was and I realize when I feel crappy now. Kind of sad because practice looked like lots of fun and I really wanted to participate. I guess I will just have to make up for it later!!

back to slave away at the grant, finish the paper and try to fit all the pieces together......

I have

not written much lately, not sure if everything in my head is so unsettled or if I have just been too busy. It could be a combination of both and I am not sure if I really want to commit myself to my thoughts at this moment in time. I am in between, in between my thoughts and actions as I wait for everything. I am in between happiness, joy and excitement while also being in between being varying degrees of sadness and confusion.

I will leave it at I been busy skating, hanging with the bean and trying to occupy my time....

"I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world."
Albert Einstein

Yay!!!

A cold, cloudy Monday that makes me happy that I was bundled up this morning with my scarf, hat and gloves. I love when the air feels crisp and it starts to get cold. It is starting to feel like the holiday season!!! I have a lovely 2 days off for the Thanksgiving holiday and I will be spending it between family and friends. I have finished making all my holiday cards and will start my shopping this weekend!! Yay!!!

I have been offered a new position at the department that I am currently employed, I still can not believe that I was accepted for the position, sure I work hard, I love my current position but I am still a bit surprised! Yay.

I can now work on vacation plans for Spring Break for the bean and I, Woo hoooo!!

Puuurrrrrrrrrr

XXX

handa'dāni bhikkhave āmantayāmi vo, vayadhammā saṅkhārā appamādena sampādethā ti.
Mahaparinibbana Sutta

It leaves an imprint on my soul that has been broken down.

Makes me smile....

“I want to touch the heart of the world and make it smile.”
-Charles De Lint

This morning the world is making me smile, not sure why but it just feels good. The sun is out, work is passing quickly and I feel yummy. I have a bit of joy, here, in me and I plan on sharing it.

I have been working really hard at skating as often as possible, working out, etc. I like it, I needed this and now I am doing it. Hopefully my skating will improve and I am ready for league assessment/team drafts!!

Work is good, I have a new position, it will be fun to learn some new things, makes me happy to think that they picked me out of all the other candidates that had better qualifications and such, I guess they like me. It is nice to be liked.

Still trying to figure out some other things but I suppose everything will work out the way it works out.

Puuurrrrrrrrrrrr.....

XXX

Yawn

Tired this morning, I had weird dreams and did not sleep so well last night or could be that it is rainy and grey outside which does not really make me feel too motivated. Went skating last night and tried to make it around a few times but we went to a rink with dance skaters and they were all over the place, good practice for weaving in between people, locking wheels and being knocked over.

Besides that it is business as usual, working on a grant for the lab and a clinical trial, felling good about a couple of the educational grants that I completed that are being funded and basically trying to delay actually having to work but soon I know the calls will start coming in and it will be another mad, crazy day here in the office, why do I always think I can actually catch up on work when they are out of the office, never happens, silly me.

You can come back
When you want
Just know that I'll be here
I haven't left this step
And when the lights go out
I pick the angel up
I only have two hands

I she here?
Is she here right now?
Drive her off; don't bother to call
I'm checking out today

Me and my charms
Me and my charms
When I kiss the angel
I have a taste of you
When I take the angel
I have a piece of you
I have a piece

You can come back
I haven't left you yet
And when the lights go out
I pick the angel up
I only have two left feet
All I have in my hands
All I have in my hands

Me and my charms
Me and my charms
When I kiss the angel
I have a taste of me and my charms
Me and my charms down on the ground
You can't leave me now
You can't leave me now
I haven't left you yet

All I have in my hands
Me and my charms
Me and my charms
When I kiss the angel
I have a taste of you
When I take the angel
I have a piece of you
I have a piece

Me and My Charms
Kristin Hersh
Hips and Makers

Tralalalalalalalala, some days, the songs are so relevant to my emotions this is an example of where I feel I am today, it will change throughout the day but at this moment, this second, this minute in time, this is where my head is....

Frustration

So you take some anger, some frustration, some guilt, a dash of estrogen and top it all off with OCD and what do you have, a really pissed off me.

I could write a bunch of crap right now but to put it plain and simple I am angry. I say stupid things when I get angry. The remedy for this, fix my bearing and go skate. Skate until I am exhausted then I do not have to worry about it. Tomorrow night I will be really ready to take out some frustration.

I could be petty and say a bunch of things that do not really matter anyway, I could say it all and be finished, have the last word but I just do not feel like it. I would rather skate, get it SKATe. I can skate, skate, skate, skate but who am I fooling, it will not go away, not sure it ever will and then what am I left with a confused, frustrated person that I do not want to be. I will address the issue, work through it and accept it. I will be an adult, use the situation to prove to myself that the last two years or so of therapy have worked and not allow myself to fall apart and go to bits and pieces of Christine, like the puzzle with lost and broken pieces. I am allowed to have an opinion, I am capable of stating my opinion and I am allowed to stand up to a confrontation and state my position without feeling like I have done something wrong by making concise, applicable decision based on things I find relevant to living.


Grrrrrrrrrr....

Geez

Quick recap of the weekend.....

Friday had a lovely gathering with some friends, great food, lovely wine, and wonderful company. After the food and such, Denise and I decided to run out for a bit to a local bar, now I remember why I do not frequent bars and such too often, it was crowded and I am a bit over the "scene" stage of my life. Tee hee, never really fit into the "scene" much anyway so I am not upset by this.

Sat morning, I attempted my first outdoor skate, hills, twigs, rocks, cars and such, it was fun and I really enjoyed Druid Hill Park, the leaves, the weather, the crisp air made it the perfect day! I have a ton to work on but I have already improved quite a bit, just need to work at it. Sat. evening was a Day of the Dead party that was OK, not great as the bean had an argument with one of her friends but it was nice to meet some more parents and have some discussions with other parents regarding the school, and such.

Sunday, we cleaned the house, did the laundry and created a plant cell model that was edible (a cake). It was relaxing but I find that the more I sit around it seems that I get moody and restless. I am thinking that the increase in activity though tiring was needed and that now I require a certain level of activity to maintain an equal balance or it could be that I do not need to think to much about certain things when I am busy, an escapist action, must figure this out.

I am wondering when, when, when and become frustrated when I have no answer no when, where, what or how. I keep trying to make decisions and figure out what, where and when I am doing things but it feels a bit one sided and unfair but then I get upset and it seems like a bit one sided and unfair to me and the bean. Can not really come up with a solution so I think I may take a bit from thinking about it and just continue to have fun and enjoy being a derby girl and being a mom, those are things I can do and I enjoy thinking about.

Puuurrrrrrr

XXX

Ahhhh

Feeling a bit better, not so cranky or anything today, thank goodness because I was really annoyed. I think skating on Wednesday night helped because it wears me out. I have my derby name now, hopefully I will be allowed to change it from what I originally had, the new one suites me well.

This week has not been too bad, I may have a new position which is nice or they may create a new title/position for me within the center, it is good to be liked.

Tonight should be lots of fun, having some people over for dinner and maybe some board games. The bean is off having fun with a friend and preparing her house for a day of the dead party tomorrow evening. Then tomorrow morning outside skate in the chilly morning, some work on the last project of the quarter, and some cleaning. Sunday is another morning skate outside, then project completion, and open skate at the rink Sunday night. Busy but fun!!!

that's it for now....

Puurrrrrr....