Fairytales

It has been a busy weekend...

Had fun at the Bruisers Ball on Friday night...


5 bands, wheel of misfortune, and a bunch of derby girls and other people dressed in fun costumes.

Sat we had some friends over, went to the paper lantern parade in Patterson park, it was really windy but fun!! Then stopped by Starbucks as I had no bean for the evening.

Today we completed three school projects and off to skating. It is feeling very late, I hate time changes, grrrrrrrrrrrr.....

I was watching romantic comedies today and it made me think a bit....maybe I am off looking for some kind of fairytale that does not fit into the real world. This week while mucking around in my brain I started thinking maybe I have such a hard time with reality because it sucks. I hate being an adult when really I just want to have fun and frolic. The fact of the matter is that I have responsibilities and require a certain level of stability in my life now. I never have wanted to settle down and be tied to one place I guess I am afraid that if I leave the things I have worked so hard for that I shall slip back into the unbalanced and out of reality. Lets face it dealing with illness and death on a somewhat frequent basis has a tendency to really make me focus on reality. It is sad and frustrating at times but it is life. I guess I am having problems balancing being an adult and the want to not be a settled, complacent person. I think that is why I like the derby similar to dancing but in a healthier way it allows an escape into a world that is not reality in the sense of being an adult. It is fun and at this time is bringing me great joy and happiness, I think I needed something like this to break the routine of the real world.

I am not sure what kind of fairytale I want, I really want to believe it exists but right now I am finding that difficult......because at one time I felt that I was living the fairytale.

So...

I am now a Charm city Roller Girl, made league last week, still need to practice lots....

I had an interview for a new job at the Cancer Center, should find out next week if I have the position....

I am trying to think of a derby name, must figure that out by Monday....

I am attending the Bruisers Ball tomorrow evening.....

why do I feel so grrrrr, when all these things are good....

grumble, growl, grrrrr.........

La Sigh

Chilly morning, woke up late this morning and now it is off to the grocery to find food so that my bean can forage later. Today is a day of girls and shopping, as will be going to the dreaded mall to winter clothes shop with one of the beans friends that does not have her mom here to help and much prefer I take her than her dad, go figure. Ahhh, to be a teen again.

Later this evening I am supposed to be skating outside with one of the derby girls but I am not sure of the time yet as we are not sure about shopping, I need to also do laundry and I have a couple movies to watch as well.

That weekend went quickly, la sigh.....

Planning on maybe taking Friday off to prepare for Sat. morning try-outs, we shall see...I am uber excited and looking forward to skating this week as I have some pent up frustrations and require a healthy outlet and skating as quickly as possible and such seems like just the remedy!!

Clean Slate

I am like an eraser board, just wiped clean, everytime I think it gets all put together I just get completely washed but I am ready, to be written on. Ohhh, that just sounds a bit naughty, or maybe it is just me. Out one word comes a sentence, then a paragragh, and then a tale, from there a story. I have lots of stories to tell and I am sure people that want to listen to my story, maybe not the person I want to hear but someone nonetheless.

Youth

I remember when I was younger I found inspiration in dancing. I was graced with the pleasure of working with two very inspirational instructors that will provide me a spark for I believe, my whole life. Wendy Robinson, was a beautiful, tall red-headed dancer that had danced with the Royal Ballet and later ended up teaching at Baltimore Ballet. She prepared me for all my exams and always had a bit of Earl Grey tea with lemon and shortbread that she would make for exam days. She never complained about my weight, never offered negative criticism, just enjoyed teaching us and nurturing our enthusiasm and passion. She provided my first professional performance on stage at The Lyric Opera House. I will always see her in my head with a graceful smile and I will always associate her with all the good things associated with dance, and my love for Earl Grey tea. LOL. Sylvester Campbell, he dedicated his life to teaching dance to students that were not afforded the luxury of having money (which dance training requires). He was funny and I loved dancing for him. He had his moments but he was very passionate about his dancing, he was an artist that brought me something that no one else could have ever given me, a sense of accomplishment and beauty in my dancing. I was so fortunate to have these people in my life and see the beauty and passion prior to entering the ugliest of all worlds which years later still haunt my behaviour, habits and body image. I suppose now my inspirations are wrapped up in a combination of things but never have the dreams and inspiration to dance been replaced, I still dance through out my day, in different ways but still it is a dance, every movement executed and every motion followed through.

Beautiful

The leaves are falling
temperature dropping
and I love all the colors I see
right now.

This weekend I will be decorating the house for Halloween. Lights, spiders, orange, red and yellows stuff, I am very excited. Sat I will be helping a friend pack up her house, maybe going to a drive in to see the girls do a demo and watch a movie, then Sunday weather permitting it will be time to try some outside skating with my bouncy wheels. Very exciting, woo hoo!! The Bruiser's Ball is in a couple of weeks, I will be dressing in my Halloween outfit, going to hear 5 bands and party with roller girls, I may even be a derby girl by then (if I ever learn how to actually stay up on my skates). Yay!! Try-outs are the 21st and I am having so much fun.

I feel good, relaxed and comfortable in myself again. I forget to be comfortable in my body, I feel awkward and bulky but right now I feel sore and toned. Yay!! It is funny how much my skewed image plays tricks on me, it is all in my head and sometimes it tries to manipulate me, haha, however it will not work as I am significantly reprogrammed in the behaviour area. So take that!!!!

I am off to watch some Law and Order (Codenamed: Ambien) as I also programmed myself to fall asleep 5 minutes after it has begun.

So off I go....


Tralalalalalalalalalalalalalalala......

Purrrrr

XXX

Relaxing, but totally stressed

This weekend was pretty relaxing on the surface. Friday night had dinner with Reet and Michael and then I babysat, I did not really do much but sleep on the sofa covered in animals until they returned home, the bean was off at her own sleepover for the evening.

Sat. was cold, damp, and dark so once the bean returned from her sleepover we just played games, made this cool spooky gingerbread house and watched movies.


Sunday was grocery shopping, homework, playing some ridiculous game with paddles and a ball that we just could not master, cooking and laundry. Woo hoo.

So while on the surface things seem very calm and domestic, I am having issues. Issues regarding where my employment is going, new job?? new job and new locations??? Trying to decide what I will do if said locations are not where Crstfr wants to move??? What Crstfr is planning on doing and when??? Why the bean is having a slow start this year with school?? Is derby interfering with school???? If I will be able to maintain derby schedule while raising a bean by myself??? How will I be able to manage all this and all that fun stuff???!!!????? Changes are coming just not sure if all aspects of my life will be able to handle the transition.

I am feeling the stress again of being here by myself, I know it sounds horrible but I do not want to move away from my job to work in an area that I have become so fond of, in an area of education as well which seems to be beneficial to me. It would make some things easier and would compromise other things, Damned if I do, damned if I do not, it seems to feel like this past week. Ohhh, well maybe I just need to skate and worry not about later but just focus on the right now so I do not totally tweak.

Puuurrrrrrr

XXX

"Do not anticipate trouble or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight." Benjamin Franklin

"Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished." Lao Tzu

"Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet."
Phaedrus

"In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity."
Albert Einstein

Sitting

I am sitting and reflecting this morning on the state of the world, a few things take the front of the train that comprise my thoughts-
1. The Amish people are really, really forgiving people.
The school killing phenomena is just bizarre, people are upset that it keeps happening they are outraged and scared. The thing is that it has been happening for some time, rural areas just never had to deal with violence the ways cities have and they live in some dreamland that because you live in a nice area with little or no crime that bad things do not happen. Check your local sex crime site and look how many offenders live in your zip code and those are just the ones that have been registered. Bad things happen EVERYWHERE, there are bad people in every community, so while I grumble because of having to purchase a clear backpack or mesh backpack for the bean, that locked doors and having to ring the bell to be admitted into school takes time,complain about the buses taking forever because I will not let the bean go home alone, I now realize the importance of these requirements.

2. The whole Foley thing just pretty much disgusts me, he disgusts me. Can not really say much more about this topic except that as it just makes me angry.

3. This week I was confronted with a situation I have not had to face before at work, it really made me feel helpless and heartbroken. I know that many people do not go out of their way to assist people with their problems and I know that I try to do as much as I can possibly do to try not to be that person especially when dealing with end of life issues, I believe that it is a responsibility to be compassionate and caring when you take when you are employed with services that focus on end of life care. When dealing with end of life care there is a need to allow the patient to have dignity, comfort and care that makes the process much easier for the family and the patient, when these values and goals are not met and handled poorly, it makes me question the compassion, or lack there of, in people as a whole. Makes me sad...

Those a few of the thoughts transversely navigating through my noggin, hmmmm....

Puuurrrrr

XXX

4.

When

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