The night before

The night before he comes to visit is filled with anticipation. Anticipation of warm hugs, sensual kisses and lovely sighs. I am so excited to have four days to share with him and look forward to his arrival. I am excited ......

People in my day

So today was interesting, this an account of the people in my life and how it effects me. The first people I saw this morning besides my beautiful bean are the people I ride the bus with. They are the same people I see pretty much every morning five days a week. They are pleasant group of people. I like them one of the ladies works down at the University in the nephrology dept. She is quirky but funny like a little elf. The next people I encountered was the ladies that care for my bean in the morning before school. They are older ladies and very sweet! I really liked hearing about their Thanksgiving. The next person in my day was Dr. E, he picked me up right outside the school and gave me a ride to work. He is really great, nice to work for, he made the comment once that I am one of three people that makes his day at work. What a nice compliment! Upon arriving I work I had a chance to catch up with Michelle, Dr E's NP, she is a wonderful, sweet person. Pretty, great personality and an overall a caring person. We then encountered Ruth, the research RN, she is a beautiful person as well, she unfortunately was the bearer of bad news. JK was a nurse that work for Dr. E's research team, a little over a year ago she was diagnosed with cancer. After a long tough battle she finally let go on Thanksgiving morning. The last few months were the most difficult for her and she was in so much pain. I am glad I was able to know her, she was an amazing being and through most of her fight she was so strong and positive. I hope she has found her way to the meadow to play with the fae! Through out the day I interacted with many other people but these are the people that have touched me today and I am thankful and happy that they are moments in my life. While on my way home, reflecting on the moral and ethical issues of assisted suicide for terminally ill people, the bus driver started doing a little dance with his hands, I looked up at him and smiled. In that smile I saw an older black gentleman that had life. His smile lit up the bus and he made me think that it is the little things that people do that make living so worthwhile. A smile, a dance and the jig of life!!

Upon my arrival home my friend Ann called, she stopped by and had coffee. She was very patient and endured listening to a phone call from my father. That my friends is a whole tale in and of itself. Consisting of childhood memories, not the best ones either, and drawn out arguments that make no sense to anyone let alone me. Anyway, I think I have been disowned, at least for the weekend, due to a difference of opinion and being true to myself. I never have understood why someone can not look at themselves and not see what a hypocrite they are. I live a simple life, I have strived to be true to myself and the people that I surround myself with, I have no desire to be around a negative, ugly, angry person that does not want to live outside the life they created. Narrow-minded, stubborn and unable to see any other point of view. I tried to explain certain ideas I have on how my life should be but it was ignored. Eh, oh well.

Speaking to crstfr on the phone and awaiting for Thursday to arrive. I can not wait to see him. I might just burst but that might be messy and then who would clean up the mess? I so love this man and what he offers me sometimes I wonder how he puts up with all the extra poo and still seems to think I am wonderful. I am a force of nature after all, a force of nature that must go dream of sheep to be prepared for all the people in my day tomorrow!

Ahhhh, better

So I woke up this morning and yesterdays despair has disappeared. I am in a great mood. Maybe I just needed some sleep. Today is going to be a lovely day. I received a highlight for a photo on my moblog which made me feel good. My house is almost in order and I shall commence hanging Christmas lights today. I will probably be one of the houses that hangs lights as most my neighbors practice orthodox Judaism. My neighbors are all quite lovely and pleasant and there is basically no crime but I think I might miss the festive lights of the season. I am so very excited for Christmas and hopefully we will have some snow!!! Hard to believe how quickly the year is passing. In seven months we shall be on our way to the new city to which we shall reside. The East coast will be far behind us and we will be heading West! Yeah!!!!

Sometimes

Sometimes I just want to yell and scream
throw my hands up in the air
Just scream "FORGET IT"
all of it
Why do I bother?
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, I hate all of this sometimes!!
Venting, I can not wait until Wednesday.
I think I am having some sort of anxiety attack, not like anyone cares
but me
I think I might call the soul dentist
I just need to talk but no one is around
ahhh, I will call my twin. That might work.
at least she understands
me

Ohhhhh, bad mood

I am in a craptastic mood, why you ask? Well just because. I can not put my finger on it. I feel angry. I had an OK Thanksgiving, food was nice but I think I was not where I wanted to be. I did not want to be in a certain place just with a special someone. It mad me angry that I was not where I wanted to be. It also makes me sad. I want, I want, I want nothing that can be bought, nothing that is seen, I just want. Does that make me greedy? No, I do not think so. I want to be held, coddled at times, snoggled, you get the point! I want to be away from here, not that I do not like here. I have a nice place to live, a lovely daughter, two silly kittens, a great job and a family that drives me insane. Quite literally insane. I have probably one of the most dysfunctional families I have ever seen. I know there are worse families but communication in my family stinks. You can not speak freely without being yelled at or ignored. I do not want to surround myself with these things. The negativity chokes you at all times. I can not breath at all. I feel like I am gasping for air and trying scream what life means but it just gets lost in the echoes of my own head. No one here to listen anyway not that they do even when I speak. Anyway that I guess is why I am in a craptastic mood. All those things rolled up make me anxious and feeling low, insecure and small. I wanted things to be different after all the work I have put into my life, relationships and communications. I know I can not change anyone but if they would just look and realize that I am different and I have worked so hard to make these changes maybe I would feel better. Life moves, today I am just treading water while it flows by me.

Memories

Last week a box was returned to me that I have not seen in about 11 years. Inside I found some wonderful memories. Memories are funny things for me. I concentrate so much on recovering the ones that have been lost to fix me that I think at times I have overlooked the ones that are beautiful and wonderful. In the box were toys of the beans that she played with as a wee lass. Books that she loved when she was about 18 months old, letters received from friends from when I was 20, a painting that was painted for me, pictures of the bean from when she was so little. All in all good memories from a mind that has forgotten so much. The memories come easier now, not as much work to bring them forth but reliving the trauma associated with some is difficult. The beautiful ones made my heart swell and made me very happy. I guess it balances out but I need to remember I suppose that things are not always as bad as they seem and I am becoming a better person because of all of the work that is going into this. It at times seems very dream-like and surreal.

Purrrrrr.

Pain

The left side of my face has decided to swell up again. I look like I have a golf ball hanging off the side of my face. Attractive I know. I am in so much pain, I am waiting for the Dr. to return my call and the minutes are dragging. Stupid bus, stupid ##*&$$**@^$$%^ bus!! Stupid doctor, stupid ###@%%^&*(&&^%##@%^ doctor. All I can say is this stinks!!! Someone give me some pain relief please!!!!!!!!!! It also made me have bad dreams last night. Things I will not go into right now but they sucked so now I am in pain, not well rested, feeling slightly tweaked and having bad thoughts pass through my mind. Arrrgggghhhhhhhhhhh!

Human beings

Human beings are funny creatures. I notice a large majority of folks care little for others except the people in their family or friendships. I have noticed that few people actually care about anything outside of their universe. I meet very few people that ever do any random acts of kindness. I suppose I expect too much from the masses. I know someone who has a family here, he makes good money, has a decent life and I have always respected him because he is just a really caring person in general. I found out earlier this year that beyond this his family owns a successful orchard in a foreign country, the proceeds for this do not go to his family he donates all the proceeds to a village school for supplies, teacher salaries, and building maintenance. This man is someone I like to be around, these are the people I choose to associate with at this point in my life. I want people like this in my life, it inspires me to look beyond the ordinary everyday trials that I have and puts them in perspective. On Friday, I had a patient call me to thank me for everything I had helped him with, the thing that really "got" me is how the little bit of time I spent working on helping this person was not hard. I did what I would want someone to do for me in that situation. Have people gotten so numb that they are unwilling to help regardless of situation. It made me feel good to know that this little thing that I did made this patient so happy and it made my day that this person felt the need to call me and thank me. There are so many important things in life that have so little to do with the focuses that many people seem to have. I want everything that money can not buy me, I want love, laughter, happiness, tears, joy, sorrow, feelings, to help people and health. Money does not provide any of that and I guess that is what is sometimes forgotten. I hope to never forget that and to continue to help in whatever way I can to anyone that needs it. People make mistakes, I have made many, but I have few regrets as I learn more about who I am, what potential I have and what I can do. I have been touched by so many people this past year that I am so happy to have known an so happy that they randomly showed me all the traits that I thought many human beings have lost. I think I shall pass this along and do some random acts of kindness during the week just to return some of what has been given to me!!

Self

I am working on self this week and finding a way to define my self. It should be an interesting project with many facets attached to it. I am trying to figure out the best medium for me to express my[self] in which it is easier to break down some blocks and walls that have been erected inside my head. It is not easy to define self to your[self]. We shall see what comes up and how I cope with seeing my[self] in a different perspective. That's it. All I have right now as work ha been crazy and I am exhausted.

Road Rash

In the road
Yellow lines
Double to single
Face the line
shoe lost, clothes gone
tubes in
flat on the board
dreaming, dreaming of a place
Asphalt peices, lodged in what is left of my face
The mirror always lied to me
I laugh
I cry
over the road rash that scars my
face

Skin

Skin
Streched and taunt
or is it
Taut and tense
There is some flesh left
Blood
Pumping
pulling through
Tubes
Eyes are moving
in
my
head
Skin
Bruised and
Gone

Hoo Hum

Feeling low today, low energy, very tired
basically annoyed all day.
Dropped a directory on my cup of soda today.
ended up with soda all over my desk
my desk had papers all over it
then it had soda and lots of wet papers
thankfully none of the important ones got wet
Finished up a letter of intent I have been trying to get done
for weeks
Many patient issues today.
One of my favorite prostate cancer patients
now has progressed
His wife wanted me to send her the report
She could not tell by my voice if it was good news or bad news
I could not read it and know without telling her so I closed the report
I would not read the report until I spoke to the Dr.
I can not tell her, luckily it is not my job to crush her.
Sad sometimes but I have so much hope and desire to make things the best
that they can be for them for as long as I can
Felling low, tomorrow will be better

Interesting

Came across this photographer that decided to do a two year long project on sex machines and the makers of said devices. I have put a link to his blog, you should check it out it is cool.

http://thesexmachinebook.blogspot.com/


Enjoy!!!

The Child Within

My voice has a quiver.
That's where you store the arrows
Before you shoot

My voice sings deeper than
It speaks. Some people
Hear tears hidden in the words
I say.

I'm not afraid of, say, swarms
Of locust. When I want to weep, I do.
It's no different than pissing.

Some nights I can feel
My voice melting down
In greenish layers, & luminescent
Like a plutonium cough drop.

At times I use my voice
To laugh
In order to prove
I am a man.

Once I whacked out my voice
With a two-by-four
So the fruit would grow
Faster on the plum tree
Beside the house.
I would utter a phrase
Any phrase--it wasn't like a chant,
No ebb nor flow

And when it was about
Two and half feet in front of me
I would swing the wood
And just beat the living crap
Out of whatever I said.

Jim Carroll
Void of Course

I decided it was time to be a redhead again because I thought it would be fun. So I laughed as the sun hit my red, red locks.

She causes Trouble

Trouble
Oh trouble set me free
I have seen your face
And it's too much too much for me

Trouble
Oh trouble can't you see
You're eating my heart away
And there's nothing much left of me

I've drunk your wine
You have made your world mine
So won't you be fair
So won't you be fair

I don't want no more of you
So won't you be kind to me
Just let me go where
I'll have to go there

Trouble
Oh trouble move away
I have seen your face
And it's too much for me today

Trouble
Oh trouble can't you see
You have made me a wreck
Now won't you leave me in my misery

I've seen your eyes
And i can see death's disguise
Hangin' on me
Hangin' on me

I'm beat, i'm torn
Shattered and tossed and worn
Too shocking to see
Too shocking to see

Trouble
Oh trouble move from me
I have paid my debt
Now won't you leave me in my misery

Trouble
Oh trouble please be kind
I don't want no fight
And i haven't got a lot of time

Cat Stevens

Sometimes I am in a mood to start Trouble, not large amounts of Trouble, nothing that would get me in Trouble but Trouble just the same.

I wonder what she would do if I threw out all the useless hurt and pain she has caused by her manipulations and lies. I wonder what she would do if she really understood what she has done to all three of us. I wonder how I would feel if I tried. I am so angry at times but why would I want to cause anyone that pain. I wonder how she would feel about causing me pain, I do not think she would care because until it effects her it does not exist. I am sad, hurt and angry at her and yet still afraid to hurt her feelings because I am better than that. I am dealing with the sins of my mother and she does not even acknowledge that they exist. Pointless to approach her.....Pointless to try to talk about reality with her.... I have decided my mother has lost her mind!