I am in a craptastic mood, why you ask? Well just because. I can not put my finger on it. I feel angry. I had an OK Thanksgiving, food was nice but I think I was not where I wanted to be. I did not want to be in a certain place just with a special someone. It mad me angry that I was not where I wanted to be. It also makes me sad. I want, I want, I want nothing that can be bought, nothing that is seen, I just want. Does that make me greedy? No, I do not think so. I want to be held, coddled at times, snoggled, you get the point! I want to be away from here, not that I do not like here. I have a nice place to live, a lovely daughter, two silly kittens, a great job and a family that drives me insane. Quite literally insane. I have probably one of the most dysfunctional families I have ever seen. I know there are worse families but communication in my family stinks. You can not speak freely without being yelled at or ignored. I do not want to surround myself with these things. The negativity chokes you at all times. I can not breath at all. I feel like I am gasping for air and trying scream what life means but it just gets lost in the echoes of my own head. No one here to listen anyway not that they do even when I speak. Anyway that I guess is why I am in a craptastic mood. All those things rolled up make me anxious and feeling low, insecure and small. I wanted things to be different after all the work I have put into my life, relationships and communications. I know I can not change anyone but if they would just look and realize that I am different and I have worked so hard to make these changes maybe I would feel better. Life moves, today I am just treading water while it flows by me.
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