This morning

This morning I should be working. Granted I have come to work but alas I am slacking off somewhat. I did take a phone message and flagged a bunch of documents for signatures, that is work. Right.... I am daydreaming and drinking coffee, it is Friday after all. I have decided to listen to some music while I pretend to do some work. This morning choice: They Might Be Giants from Severe Tire Damage 1998. I love They Might Be Giants, I have been listening to them since I was 16. I think that is a sign of a great band. I still enjoy the old and new stuff. My daughter loves their music as well a band that can entertain young and old is definitely a sign of overwhelming talent. They bring such joy and happiness to me as I sit here NOT WORKING!!! LOL. This song reminds me so much of a certain someone, you know who you are, call me later and sing me this song because it makes me giggle.

The sun is a mass of incandescent gas
A gigantic nuclear furnace
Where hydrogen is built into helium
At a temperature of millions of degrees

Yo ho, it's hot, the sun is not
A place where we could live
But here on earth there'd be no life
Without the light it gives

We need it's light
We need it's heat
We need it's energy
Without the sun, without a doubt
There'd be no you and me

The sun is a mass of incandescent gas
A gigantic nuclear furnace
Where hydrogen is built into helium
At a temperature of millions of degrees

The sun is hot

It is so hot that everything on it is a gas: iron, copper, aluminum, and many others.

The sun is large

If the sun were hollow, a million earths could fit inside. and yet, the sun is only a middle-sized star.

The sun is far away

About 93 million miles away, and that's why it looks so small.

And even when it's out of sight
The sun shines night and day

The sun gives heat
The sun gives light
The sunlight that we see
The sunlight comes from our own sun's
Atomic energy

Scientists have found that the sun is a huge atom-smashing machine. the heat and light of the sun come from the nuclear reactions of hydrogen, carbon, nitrogen, and helium.

The sun is a mass of incandescent gas
A gigantic nuclear furnace
Where hydrogen is built into helium
At a temperature of millions of degrees

Scientists have found that the sun is a huge atom-smashing machine. the heat and light from the sun come from the nuclear reaction between hydrogen, nitrogen, helium, carbon, boron, chloron, flu
Moron, and estrogen.

Puuurrrrr


XXX

What's going on?

Well here is what has been going on lately:
I have passed into my 35th year of life as of Friday, September 23, 2005.
Had a lovely weekend full of rest and fun full of Sunshine
and as of Monday evening went back to the real world of work, school and everything that goes along with it.
Seems that when I take a few days off that the amount of work makes the first three or four days go by very quickly.
My work days seem to go by very quickly to begin with so this makes them go by at the speed of light. So much too do, who would have thought that things would be so fast paced at a cancer center. Ohh well that is life and I kind of like the fact that when I have off or am not working I am not expected to do anything. I think this is the first position I have held that I do not get phone calls, urgent messages or anything like that during my time off. I really like the doctors also. As a matter of fact the whole reason I was able to bask in the glow of Sunshine this weekend was because my doc is very thoughtful. He had a free ticket so he gave it to me, nice, makes me feel really appreciated as well. Not much going on in this world of mine just making through the rest of the week full of studying, tests and running around as usual.

Time and change

I suppose the time has come to start incorporating some of my past issues with some of my future goals. Melting everything together to form a whole me. In so far I have come up with one thing in my past which though it brought me great pleasure it also helped shape and define many of my problems. The fact is I allowed myself to become so engrossed in this one particular thing that it consumed my life and never allowed me to have any basis in anyone's reality but my own. Allowing myself to enter the world of dance, ballet in particular, is an OCD wet dream. Plain and simple the dance world is OCD in a nutshell. Pretty sad actually that something one loves so much can be so destructive and devastating to ones life and send you into a spiral for years after. In the next few weeks my task is to find a "thing" I want to do. I have chosen to start dancing again but only for fun. I ask myself, "Can I do it just for fun?", as of yet I have not answered that question (because if you answer your questions when speaking to yourself then you are really crazy). I only know that for years I have missed it. The joy, satisfaction, the feeling and the release is something I at times long for. I will try it, if it is too much I will not continue but I am so excited to be able to come to the conclusion that it is not the dancing that is wrong, it was I that have been off and wrong. I will be dancing purely for the love of it not for anyone or anything else. It is elating and satisfying all at once. Maybe by confronting and dealing with this demon of mine I will be able to deal with other demons of mine and form better relationships and communicate more easily in other aspects of my life as well.

Puuurrrrrrrrrr

XXX

Growing

I find it absolutely amazing that my daughter is growing into her own person. I knew it would happen but it seems to be happening very quickly now. The independence is becoming quite apparent in our day to day lives now. I no longer walk her into school in the morning. I drop her off at the corner and watch her walk away from me into her new school full of new people and friends. The joy I experience when I realize my daughter is a little odd and has found a niche in her new school where this is accepted. No longer is she teased because she likes David Bowie and does not listen to 50 cent or various other musicians that I do not listen to. She likes Kate Bush, Tori Amos, Air, Cornelius and the Pogues, fine taste in music I think. I am so very proud that she is developing her own sense of who she is and not what other people think she should be.

Though she is having a rocky start in some classes, as they are very different from what she thought they would be things are going well. She is using her mind and being reintroduced to the arts we thought she might never have again due to the cuts in public school funding for such programs. Creative thinking is not encouraged in many public schools today due Bush's wonderful "No Child Left Behind" act. Seems like most schools spend their time teaching the kids how to pass the barrage of standardized tests that get thrown at them during the year. Crap, crap, crap. We would not like the kids to actually think just do what they are told like good little bees in the hive.

I am happy to say that this year she has Latin, with a wonderful teacher, arts, creative writing, theater and music. She also will have a large choice of after school programs from the National Academic team to sports to plays.

I am just so proud of her as I sit here typing listening to her sing and apply her self to her summary of her Latin seminar on Friday. Growing so quickly, becoming so quickly, and I am enjoying at least 89% of it.

Puuurrrrr

XXX

one of my favorites

Wintry light,
My memories are
Steep stairwells
In dusty buildings
On dead-end streets,

Where I talk to the walls
and closed doors
As if they understood me.

excerpt from The Toy
Charles Simic
Jackstraws poems

One of my favorite parts of the poem, The Toy. I really enjoy Charles Simic, makes me think a bit about everything.

Purr

XXX

Curves cut by a line....

slighty glistening....

Come play

with the curves

Puurrrrrrr

XXX

Do you feel that

Hmmm, do you feel that?
Yes, that. I do. You might not realize it but I feel.
Everything.
Even words spoken and unspoken words as well.
Sometimes maybe I feel too much, is that possible?
So, yes, I feel that.
and it makes me sad.

I feel like things kind of suck right now, and they do not suck in a good sucking kind of way either.

XXX

My week so far

Well we received word on the AP4 grant that we all worked so hard on and it was not good. The AP4 grant is an NIH/NCI grant worth about 6 million dollars, There were 15 PI's, 3 PhD's that work with cell lines, 2 biostaticians, i grants coordinator and myself that toiled on this project for approximately 6 months and non-stop the last 2 weeks. The grant would have been helpful in applying to our new cancer vaccine program and new drug in vitro programs. Oh well life goes on at the Cancer Center none the less.

Dr. Hussain, the sweet man that he is, decided this year to put in his promotion package to the University to be promoted to a full professor. What a painful process, I have been working on compiling the data from his teaching evaluations for his teaching brochure, updating his CV, pulling 5 manuscripts from the past year, and listing internal and external references. Whew, not only is that being worked on but he forgot to do his VA credentialing with medical staffing so that needed to be done so he could see his VA patients. There is the Letter of Intent that is due in to the NIH by Friday for a new study in the lab. All of this is including my other work, such as another protocol entry and preparation for the protocol to be submitted to the Central Review Committee and Institutional Review Board. Sending out record for disability claims, filing the 5000000000 pieces of mail, faxes, preparing two lectures, moving Dr. Frankel out of his office, and the list goes on and on forever and ever. I guess that is what is called job security.

On the home front the stringbean now is in week 3 of middle school, what an adjustment, three hours of homework every night. Urrrgggghhhhhh, is she 11 or 18. I am hoping she adjusts to the new environment soon, so far she has made many new friends but when you come from a class no larger than 12 to a class that has 30 that's a pretty big change. I am sure she will do fine but I worry about her abilities in dealing with stress at times.

Merlin and Puck are playing and having fun!

Time for the Pixie Princess to call Sunshine!

I am so very tired and sleepy. I think that it is time to put on some music and drift off.....

Puuurrrrrr

XXX

lalallove

Whenever I'm alone with
You you make me feel like I am home again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am whole again

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am young again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am fun again

However far away I will always love you
However long I stay I will always love you
Whatever words I say you know I will always love you
I will always love you

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am free again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am clean again

However far away I will always love you
However long I stay I will always love you
Whatever words I say you know I will always love you
I will always love you

The Cure

Hmmmmmm, why is it I feel this way ............
when others do not.

Sad, sad, sad. I want to live in this lifetime .......

Now, not later.

Things I that make me happy

1. Hayley-makes me the happiest mommy all the time even when she pisses me off. Tee hee
2. Christopher-makes me giggle and feel yummy most of the time. puuurrrrrrr
3. Merlin and Puck- cute, cuddly, lovable and very entertaining
4. Starr-My twin, so hard to believe I have known you for almost half my life. I love you and you bring me sanity and smiles. Not a bad combo!
5. My job. It is so much more than just a that though, hard and depressing at times but I learn something new every single day. I really like the people I work with as well. What is not to like about that.
6. Sitting on by back porch, typing on the computer with a cup Earl Grey with lemon out of my cup that Dr. Hussain gave to me from China. Yummy!
7. The weather is absolutely beautiful. Autumn is my favorite time of year!
It is funny how just taking a moment to reflect upon your existence brings up so many things. I am for the most part very happy right now. I just want everyone to know that I appreciate you and love you very much. Though I may not express it well all the time you are so important to me in so many ways. Thank you for being in my life and loving me, I truly appreciate it!

Puuuurrrrrrr

XXX

Busy, busy, busy

I have been so busy the past few days and when I am not busy, I have been tired or in pain. Feeling much better now though, thank goodness for I do not think I could withstand much more illness/infection/swollen face, ok you get the point. Today I have been thinking, I know so unusual for me, about love, life and where I would like to be when I am all grown up. I want to be looked at, in way that only a lover can look at you, but not for a year or two for a really long, long time. I want that little light shining every time I am gazed upon. I want, I want, jeez so selfish at times I suppose but all I am asking for is a little but of sunshine to make me fell yummtastic. That being said onto life, I want one, I have one, I really like being alive. Tee hee. One day I will not be alive. The End! I do not want to grow up if I can not have fun and most the grown ups I know are really worn out and tired worrying about things that in the End do not really matter.

All for now-

XXX

Sick

Somehow I have become very sick from the infection in my face. Apparently 2000mg a day of amoxicillian is not adequate to get read of the nasty little pathogens that my immune system can not beat up. My white blood cells count is rising, feeling shaky and tired most of the day and just pretty crappy in general. I would say I feel like I was run over by a bus but that is a lot worse so I guess I should not complain. I do not like being home all day, I do not like missing work even more considering I have a two protocols to work on, a chapter for a book that needs final proofing and editing, a powerpoint presentation that is due for a lecture next week and about six sets of pathology slides that need to be processed by Thursday. You see I do not have the time or energy to be sick. I did get to sleep with the kitties(both kittens as Merlin is still doing OK) all afternoon and help with three hours of homework the stringbean needed to have completed for school tomorrow. Three hours, I do not remember three hours of homework in 6th grade but I guess advanced academics require more than average. It still does not make it any easier knowing that this will be every single school night over the next 9 months, not including quarterly projects, exams and MSA's. Urrgghhhhh!

My week in review

First week of school is now completed. So far the strinbean has decided Latin is her favorite school subject. She has made two new girlfriends and exclaimed to me earlier in the week, "I really like my new school". Good news!!! Yeah!!!

Pain has been an issue that I have dealt with all week. Percocet did not even touch the pain in my face this week. It started on Tuesday and has subsided somewhat over the past 24 hours. I had about a total of 10 hours of sleep between Tuesday night and Friday night. One good thing about face pain is that it makes me realize back pain is a breeze to deal with. I also have issues with swelling and disfiguring of the face due to the fact that I felt like the elephant man for about a year after my accident. Now if I have any facial swelling I revert back to being very self conscious. The scars that now exist on my face just make me imperfect and I am perfect in my imperfection, so that is not an issue.

Friday night sleepover with 4 eleven years old on limited sleep during the week just makes for a surreal evening. Dressing the little kitten in Build A Bear clothing was the highlight on Sat. morning. The silly kitten, Puck, liked it I think. Stupid kitten, but we love him anyway.

Sick kitten, Merlin, makes me very anxious and I hope I am just being paranoid about his behaviour but I feel our time with Merlin is beginning to slip away. I knew the outcome from the diagnosis, letting go is so hard but I will not allow him to suffer.

Hurricane Katrina- This sucks and the media just seems so insincere and gets under my skin when providing coverage. This is nothing new though the news media in general lacks any depth and loves to sensationalise disaster.

President Bush is the best puppet I have ever seen, I mean can we say the man lacks most of the most important qualities that a leader from the "free world" should have. I dislike the way he speaks, handles any important crisis and in general I think he sucks. This is a problem with most politicians in my opinion.

People in general suck, why I expect people to behave in a compassionate and understanding way I will never know. Why I am surprised that people think they have to use vocabulary and words to make themselves feel superior I will never understand. I am no better than the homeless heroin addict down on Baltimore Street and I hope I have never made anyone feel like less of a person in my actions, words or deeds. I run on emotions, sometimes that is difficult for people to deal with, but that is one of the definitions of who I am. It allows me to care about people, life and the world is general but at times causes me much distress. Do I want to be even and lack this aspect of myself? NO WAY!!!!!

Little girl lost behind blue eyes
scared, she was to let go
Sad girl hidden behind red smiles
afraid of where she wanted to go
Little girl feeling blue, lost the
day
as she stumbled and tumbled, one shoe left behind
broken and bleeding on the sidewalk
Never thought in the end of
how to let go
Beautiful woman with tears in her eyes
appreciating every day that goes by
red smiles with joy, compassion and
nothing to hide

Puuurrrrrrrr

XXX