Love/Hate

I have this love/hate relationship with myself. I have had it for many years, so how does one find the path to embracing the hateful part and change it to a loving thing. I suppose that recognizing it is the first step but when I focus on the hate issues they just make me sad, depressed and upset. I think the hardest hate issue I am being challenged with lately is weight and self-image, I feel fat, nothing that I do to try and change this has worked, I know by "their" standards I am not fat but the knowing does not mesh with the hateful spiteful part of me that knows that I do not feel good having put on a few pounds. "They" think it is healthy, I do not, if anything it causes me to be less mentally healthy. "They" do not understand, I hate looking and feeling like this, it is like a black, vaporous tendril creeping into areas that like. I obsess over food lately, maybe because I have nothing else to obsess about, it is worrisome and time consuming, I do not like it. I wish "they" could just teach me how to stop it, just blow away the tendrils and allow it to be fine. I just wish sometimes it was a bit easier and not so much work and thought going into something that I hate. I guess that all the little exercises I have mastered for the other hates would work on this hate but they just have not. My physical body is just not working the way I want it to with my biochemical body, grrrrr.... I find this frustrating and I swear I have FLH hanging over all my pants, skirts, etc.. I will not even look in the mirror because it makes me feel sick. Funny when the other hates had their little tendrils wrapped around me, I never had these worries, I was quite happy with my physical self, of course that was three medications and 10 lbs ago. Blech.. I just wish I could figure it out and I felt like someone besides me cared about it....