Guilt

Sometimes the world just brings me down, down, down. Merlin will be gone tomorrow, the patient "God" did not want died on Monday night, and I am just low, low, low. Then I see a bright spots that make me happy, like people doing decent things for people they do not know just because it is well a decent thing. I have been walking around feeling almost guilty about Merlin, I am not sure what I could have done to prevent this, what I could have done to make it easier, I just know that I feel guilty. I look at him and I am pretty sure he knows that there is no more we can do, I think he is ready but then all of a sudden he tries to act normal and for a brief moment I see the fight that is what tears me up. I am not sure but I have this little nagging feeling that there is something I have missed, something we have not tried or just something to make this all a bit more bearable. It is the right decision but it is the hardest. I am sad and weepy and it all seems a bit unfair to my handsome young kitten that was one of the bright spots of my day. It is a bit selfish of me I suppose but he makes me so happy; it does sadden me so much to see the kitten that was so full of life suffering just to be alive. I guess I felt that way about my pop pop also and there was nothing to be done.