Changes

It's funny after two years of behaviour modification I have started to decide what relationships I have in my life, what those relationships mean to me and if I should continue said relationships. I have decided that most of the relationships that I have, have made, or recovered will stay as they are important to me and from these relationships there is a balance. There is one relationship that I will not continue and though I am a bit conflicted about this I realize the person that it involves is manipulative, selfish and dishonest person. The interesting thing is a few years ago many would have said the same thing maybe about me. It is hard to sever this relationship because maybe I see so much of where I was in this person that I want to help this person overcome the obstacles and challenges which may cause major upheaval and unnecessary sadness the difference I think is that I never wanted to be that person and I am not selfish, I always want other people to have even if I do not, this causes big problems. I have decided that I am unable to help this person and that in order to get help you have to realize that something is "wrong" with you and that it is not everyone else. The hardest part I think of modification is the reteaching of you and your habits and learned behaviours, they did not just happen they have been there for as long as I can remember now, they are coping mechanisms and ways to hide from truths that you may not be equipped to deal with. I have been craving these changes for years and never knew how to manage the unlearnt of said behaviors. Back to the point of this post, things are changing, I have changed, for the better I might add, I am working hard and have worked hard to get to this point and I like the people I associate with and work with, they are smart, real, funny and compassionate people. They may disagree with me regarding certain things but they always respect who I am, the decisions I make and how I handle problems. The world of academia and healthcare agrees with me because I feel I can give without losing myself, I have learned that compassion, caring and a bit of humor mean more to most people than anything money could ever buy. It may not pay the bills but it eases my mind, soul and has helped me recover a bit of me I thought I would never have again, it was there briefly after the accident but then went away to hid in the deep recesses of my mind. I find it interesting how my general life has changed with the modifications I have put into place and how certain people have returned back into my life. People I care about and want to remain in my life with the exception of one who wandered in between, in between the implosion, the complete collapse and now that I am restructuring really has no place at all in what my life is becoming and will become. I have no room in my life to be surrounded by the part of the person I once was, it frankly terrifies me on some level. Grrrrrr, plus I do not want to be made to feel bad and feel manipulated and deceived, to much stress and just things I have no time for!!!!

Puuurrrrrrr