Forget the old ways, I have a new one

Well after a few days of valium , lots of crying, some anger, guilt and frustration I am slowly starting to feel normal again. Well normal for me, I choke up sometimes like last night after we received a wonderful card from my Merlins vet with a little present enclosed.

Sometimes things seem just so unfair in the world it really affects me and makes me very sad. The world is a mess, a large amount of people are selfish, mean and greedy and few of the people that actually complain do little or anything to make any changes. When I started the process of changing who I am into the person I want to be, I wanted to lose the anxiety, constant worrying, and some horrible learned behaviours. This week with the overwhelming sense of loss it brought back some of those things and they were very overwhelming, the difference is now I know how to deal with them and when to ask for help. It is hard for people to understand what I live with and the struggle of living in a state like this for most my life until it spirals out of control, I spiral out of control, the toll it takes physically and mentally are unexplainable and I am unable to describe the paranoia, confusion and loss of reality that I encounter once that spiral starts. It has been said to me that people can not change, that is not true, I think the truth is people do not want to work to make the change because it is a long arduous process. It does not go away after 6 therapy sessions, medicine does not fix it, you have to probe every part of who you are and pull it out and figure out the why, how and what triggers the downward spiral as well as deal with your day to day living. This is not easy especially when you are a caregiver and trying to raise a child on your own. The financial strains of being a single parent alone are enough to cause a "normal" functioning person to go a little crazy let alone dealing with the emotional and physical needs of someone else. I had to accept the fact that I am fragile at times, very emotional and easily touched by others and their problems. The interesting thing is because I am easily touched by others and because I am emotional that is what makes me compassionate and that is why small things are magical and brilliant, because I appreciate them. How many people appreciate a smile, a laugh, or a cry, I do but not many people take the time to stop thinking about all the "important" things in their lives to listen to anyone else's story as that would mean it would take their time which is obviously more important than anyone or anything else. I want to say that I have been "cured" or "fixed" but that is not how it works, I have been taught how to behave and I have learned when to ask for help. I have also learned that I have a voice and I can be compassionate and share what I have without expecting anything in return not having to give more than I have. I have given it much thought and had many discussions with the people in my life recently about the changes I am initiating in my relationships and the type of people I want in my life. I have been very fortunate to have some wonderful, caring, and all around decent people to help me on this path even with the bumps and trips along the way. These people that have loved me and cared about me through the years regardless of the deceit at times, the hurt and pain have been my hope and strength during this transition. Thank you for helping me combine the bits and pieces of my tale into a story of that even with despair has so much magic and joy included!!