Wondering

Today was a beautiful spring like day, the faeries and pixies surely must have been out playing in the lovely day!! With that said I go onto the next part of my post....

I wonder sometimes what it must be to be the person to tell a family it is time to let go. This subject came up this afternoon, a family member called regarding one of our patients that is in the hospital, Dr E spoke to him and explained that this was the end, we are unable to do anything else. When he was off the phone Dr E said I had to let them know that nothing else could be done, that it was OK to let him go. They call looking for the answer they know is there already but do not acknowledge it until it is said out loud. I have to wonder how much this affects the bearer of those words, that is strong enough to say it out loud when no one else will. It must be a tough burden to be that person and I feel bad that it has to be that way. We joke, we laugh to relieve the stress of knowing that these words will have to be said eventually over and over about many people. I suppose it should make me sad but today it just is making me wonder when the time is there can you ever be strong enough to say farewell. Farewell to your father, brother, sister, mother, good friend, I suppose that it may be easier when you know that the person has had a full life but who defines a full life. I mean Dana Reeves died at a young age by today's standard, but maybe her life was full and it was her time. We may grieve over our loss but I must feel good about the end of the suffering and pain that many experience. It is not up to me, you or anyone to decide when that time is. I wonder why it so hard when you see the person suffering so .... I suppose I will go on wondering and I will ask the bearer of those words how they cope with that task. Ohhh my.... with a sigh and a smile, feeling calm and relaxed. I know one family now can say the words that need to be said out loud hopefully before that time.

Thinking

I have been thinking about you
I lay in my bed thinking
Thinking about all the fun we are going to have
All the things I want to do with you
All the things that you are but have yet to discover
How much I want you
sleeping next to me
holding my hand
building a life
seeing you in her eyes
having a life together
Puuuurrrrrrrrr
XXX

Sick Day

Home on a sick day with a bean that is all stuffy, sniffly and not so happy. Poor bunnies, she will survive but alas she is not feeling well. Unfortunately this means no one to pick my brain this afternoon and help me reconcile my behaviors. Well, I suppose that I shall survive as well until next week. So today will be a day of relaxation, hot baths, tea and soup with crackers with some extra love!!!

Well this weeks anxiety seems to have decreased and I feel a bit better, more like myself. Thank goodness!!!!! Spring shall be arriving later this week, so they say and I am very excited. Yay!!! Warmer days where I can go out with the bean and play hopscotch, jump rope and other fun things. Yay!!!!!

Funny

It is funny how you view yourself sometimes. When I was young I felt ugly and unattractive. Things change as you get older but when one thing makes me feel insecure, I at times revert back to that thinking. I have been a bit anxious and stressed (like you could not tell from previous posts) and I find that when this happens I behave in a different mindset. Gone is the confidence that I am beautiful and attractive, in creeps the insecurities that have plagued me for most of my life, adult and child. I am fat, my face looks huge, my lips are chicken lips, and I am generally unattractive. I know this is not true but trying to convince myself is a challenge. I wonder when this pattern of thinking started, I try to figure out why, and I come up empty. I hate to place blame on other people but did my parents do this to me? I mean really, I had the normal teasing when I was little, face it kids are just plain little stinkers and can be cruel. I grew up thinking my older sister was the smart one, so I could not be that; my middle sister was pretty, so I could not be that, I was told I was the talented one, not pretty, not smart just talented. Well they were wrong, I suppose I am talented but by the time I got there I was thoroughly screwed in the head. Why could I not be all three of those things together, I am not just one thing I mean I am many. Oh well, thank goodness I have therapy tomorrow maybe we can pick this apart and fix it so I do not revert back to that mindset everytime I face an issue and everytime I become insecure it makes me feel so bad. I wish they could just fix my circuitry to work the right way.

So why does it bother me

It bothers me, why does it bother me? It bothers me because I hate being called names. Ouch, it hurts right there!! You ask me why it bothers me so much well here you go...
I am trying to transition easily with little stress and few complications. Already a couple of stressful things have been thrown into my path but I gracefully trip over them and try to work around them without falling flat on my face. I feel no love of late and frankly it scares me. I feel like I am intentionally being pushed away. After a night of no decent rest and stupid weird dreams, I am trying to concentrate on work and such. No luck there either maybe I should leave early and take a mental health day. I might just do that and go walk around the Harbor and watch the people try to figure out why things are so tense and not flowing right now. I can not help it I am passionate and concerned about some things but why must I be made to feel like everything I think is not right and that my reactions are wrong. I do not like feeling this way. Grrrrr

I see, well then

ri·dic·u·lous P Pronunciation Key (r-dky-ls)
adj.
Deserving or inspiring ridicule; absurd, preposterous, or silly
dictionary.com

I suppose I am ridiculous this evening deserving ridicule because I am protective of my child. Why is it because you live in the suburbs you feel safe. Well you see living in a city with the population of 5,296,486 I feel the need to keep a watch on my child. Yes the bean will be 12 but she is still a child. The interesting thing is even though I live in a large city statistically there are less registered sex offenders than where I am moving. There are no registered sex offenders in my zip code here but where we are moving there are quite a few compared to the population size. Am I ridiculous for not feeling confident in other people, things happen everywhere even in decent good places. Should I act any differently because I will be in a small town? NO!!!! Call me deserving of ridicule if you must but I am not naive!!! Why should I feel ridiculous? Think about how ridiculous I am and get back to me on that. Push.... Push..... Pushed.......

Thoughts

~Conformity is the jailer of freedom and the enemy of growth~ (John F Kennedy)

I have never been able to conform to the "normal" way of thinking. Is that bad? No way, I never want to stop daydreaming or believing in the world of the fey or any of those things that many people think are frivolous and not important. To me these things are like breathing they come naturally, easily and are very important, the "real" world that I think most people have conformed to is not fun it defiantly does not laugh or smile enough. People are much to serious and need to lighten up!! There are times when things feel a bit dull and stagnant but then I realize as I look at the stars or I go out front and spin until I fall down that it is all there just waiting to be seen and felt!! Whispering with each life that is there........

~I'd hear the soughing in the trees and almost always catch the hidden words being sung within it. I'd see faces in trees and flowers and clouds. I've just always been very aware of other life around me~ (Jacqueline Collen-Tarrolly)


~Faeries tell us that small things can hold great truths~ (Brian Froud)
~Faeries are not a fantasy but a connection to reality~ (Brian Froud)

Puuuurrrrrr!!!!!!!

Ahhhh

Feeling better. Amazing what a full seven hours of sleep will do for you, the world seems a bit better. Brighter even though it is a quite grey outside. I am attempting to work. Really it has been busy; getting a grant in for a new vaccine that I think will go to animal testing soon. That is a good thing. Yay!!! It is a ton of work though. Budgets keep needing to be rewritten, biosketches for everyone involved, the actual grant to put together also!! I like working so much but it is also nice to take a break away for a few minutes. I also need to do a slide presentation today which should be pretty simple in design, only 6-7 slides. So I wait like pie for the school police officers to call. The beans iPod was stolen yesterday from school. The list of potential suspects are in and they are interviewing. *Crosses fingers and hopes they retrieve it* Back to worky work work. Tra lalalalalalala

Quite random today and full of fragmented thoughts .....

Stupper

OK, I am stupid. I admit it. I have this problem, you see I decided to go forward with my jaw surgery on Friday. It went well, only took about three hours or so, they put me out, woke me up and let me go an hour or so later. I did not feel too bad and decided to go back to work. The thing I should have realized is even though I had some piece and quiet it is not like being at home all snuggly. So stupper me decided on sat to not follow my instructions and went out to pick up a few things my bean needs for lacrosse, was fine, a little tired but I was on pain killers. Cleaned the house Sunday because it needed to be done plus the pain killers make me a bit hyper. Still not following directions but it seemed OK. Stupper though because now I feel like crap. The thing is if I did not do the things I needed to get done than it would not have gotten done because there is no one else to do them. Now I am exhausted. I feel sick, not sure if it is the antibiotics but I just feel completely, utterly, exhausted. I mean really who would have thought that I would be this tired. It may be partially emotional related as well but that is a whole separate issue I will not go into right now. It has come to my attention that it is stupper of me not to take care of myself the way I should because I always pay for it in the long run. I mean really stupper to go back to work after surgery, taking the bean out on Sat, doing all the cleaning on Sun., I should have just done nothing and allowed myself to heal. How realistic is that though? I am not allowed to be sick because I still have to take care of the bean and make sure she has what she needs. My head is just about ready to explode today and I a not sure what to do about it. Just stick it here and hope it all just goes away and next time I have something done like this (hopefully there will be no next time) I will have learned my lesson and just curl up in bed and pull the velvet over my eyes!!!

Would some one please send me home and let me sleep another 40 hours or so that I can feel like a normal as normal as I can be) person.

Understanding

I do not understand many things, I suppose most people do not but are not likely to admit that they just do not know.


Searching, you seem to be, searching.
For what you have lost,
what you once held dear
Your muse has fled because you
have become complacent
You have forgotten life

you are trapped
snared
entangled
Struggling to be free

I hope this never becomes my life, you know so much supposedly and yet look where you find yourself. I know so little that I still experience wonder and fascination in the universe. I am so happy that my feet do not always touch the ground because I would hate to lose all my hope, passion and vitality.

ZzzZZZzzzz

It has come to my attention that I am not capable of working with limited amounts of sleep. I am trying to wake up but my cold, lonely office is not helping any. One coffee, one tea and one mocha later and I am still sleepy. ZZZzzzzZZZZ. Makes for a slightly out of focus me. I am not able to deal with the that place in the universe called work and feel a bit detached from reality slightly floating and semi-dreaming. The fog has rolled in, I could put my head on my desk and lock the door and take a nap. Instead I will just sit here and tap, tap, tap the keys.

It has been one of those weeks already and it is only Monday. Blech!!!!!!

Ask and you shall receive

Just make sure you are asking for the right question at the right time. Say for instance you have a question, it is 7:30 am and you have just gotten your coffee, you know the question is not so difficult to answer especially as you work for a specialist that knows quite a bit. Here is the problem I should know that at 7:30 am I am not equipped with the capacity to deal with the answer to the question, I should know it is not the right time. I need at least a half an hour before I should deal with the horrors of cancer. I ask the question anyway, Awwwwww...... the answer is horrible and now here I am three hours later still feeling the effects of a question asked at the wrong time. You think I would learned by now that all these questions have horrible answers and I should just go on being ignorant about this stuff. I can not though, there is some driving force inside my head (OCD) that would drive me crazy if I did not know. Curiosity killed the cat.....

This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation. I -- I hardly know, sir, just at present -- at least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.
Alice in Wonderland
Lewis Carroll

Seem to be feeling a bit like Alice lately, that would account for all the Lewis Carroll quotes.

Puurrrrrr

Snow Day

Snow day no school, no work just playing in the snow and such. Put the snow boarding pants and jacket on with my big Columbia boots and went outside for some play with my bean. The bean seemed to have fun and enjoyed being pelted with large amounts of snow, making a mini snow person and rolling around in the snow. I had some fun but find myself in a bit of a mood the past few days. I suppose this will pass but it is making me cranky and grumpy.

GRrrrrrrRRRrrrrrrrr......

I was Kissed by the Faeries and received a really yummy chocolate bar from a lovely friend. It was dark chocolate with pistachio and butterscotch, very tasty.

Feeling

It’s in the trees!
It’s coming!

When I was a child:
Running in the night,
Afraid of what might be

Hiding in the dark,
Hiding in the street,
And of what was following me...

Now hounds of love are hunting.
I’ve always been a coward,
And I don’t know what’s good for me.

Here I go!
It’s coming for me through the trees.
Help me, someone!
Help me, please!

Take my shoes off,
And throw them in the lake,
And I’ll be
Two steps on the water.

I found a fox
Caught by dogs.
He let me take him in my hands.

His little heart,
It beats so fast,
And I’m ashamed of running away

From nothing real--
I just can’t deal with this,
But I’m still afraid to be there,

Among your hounds of love,
And feel your arms surround me.
I’ve always been a coward,
And never know what’s good for me.

Oh, here I go!
Don’t let me go!
Hold me down!
It’s coming for me through the trees.
Help me, darling,
Help me, please!

Take my shoes off
And throw them in the lake,
And I’ll be
Two steps on the water.

I don’t know what’s good for me.
I don’t know what’s good for me.
I need your love love love love love, yeah!
Your love!

Take your shoes off
And throw them in the lake!

Do you know what I really need?
Do you know what I really need?
I need love love love love love, yeah!
Kate Bush

That says it all!

Too tired and burnt to really add anything more than this....

Gonna go straight to

h e double hockey sticks (if I believed in that) for that last post. Never should let a patient get to me that much and since she is going to be dead soon, I should probably be nicer. I will no longer refer to her as a troll because that is just ugly and mean.

I am beat, been working on a book chapter on novel treatment of prostate cancer. Very interesting but a lot of work. Scheduled my first liver biopsy, did my first lab prescription. Woo hoo!! Exciting!! LOL. Well maybe just to me.

Spent some time watching and listening to the trees this weekend. I love how I can get lost just watching the trees whispering . The way they move fascinates me and moves me to another place. Trees are one of my favorite things in life. I can not wait to see the redwoods and maybe the black forest.... One day......

Stormy

I love a good storm. I was outside listening to the rain and the trees. The trees always talk so loudly during a storm. The electricity in the air is high, the hair on my arms stand on end as the lightning flashes before me.

I started this post a few days ago, now I am not going to complete it just because I do not feel that way right now. It is Monday am and I am at work. You see I love my job but there is a troll here right now. This troll resembles a human being but really she is a troll. She is the most miserable troll I have ever met and she inflicts her troll behavior on everyone in this office. I have a feeling after today that it will be even worse and any resemblance to a human quality had (if she ever had any) will flee in the face of her progression. Save us all from this troll because when she is around everyone feels horrible!!

Memory

Do you remember the feeling during childhood when you were waiting for something to arrive. The elation, happy feeling? I had that the feeling the other day when from the depths of my dusty brain I remembered my Quik Bunny Cup. I thought I was younger but I guess that I was actually around nine. We ordered a Quik Bunny cup and everyday I would check the mail in anticipation that the cup would arrive. It seemed to take forever, 6 weeks to a 9 year old seems like forever!!! Finally the day arrived and so did the bunny cup but the elation did not leave. I want a new Quik Bunny Cup!!! I like that feeling, just talking about it makes me feel all titillated !!!!

Puuurrrrrr

Underwater
Everything is so calm, serene, and peaceful
Underwater I hear only muffled sounds of the world
bits and pieces come
Sometimes, I lay in bed and imagine myself underwater
to keep me from the movement of my mind
Lying there, I imagine swimming where I am alone
and nothing exists outside
my heartbeats echo through my head
and suddenly I break the surface to the
world, feeling alive and so full of colourful
sounds and colourful lives.

Behind her blue eyes
are the chemicals and receptors
that make her
Make her lost at times

Lost, so much lost,
forgotten behind those blue eyes
making her chemicals and receptors
work overtime

Working so hard to recall
everywhere she has been
what is hers or others
the crimes committed
as much against others as herself
those blue eyes

Looking in the mirror
going under
trying to recall from the bits and pieces
Now they come in her sleep

Waking drenched and crazy nightmares
are they real
or just chemicals and receptors
working against her

Nightmares, horrible, hers scars are more
prominent, in pictures
is it because she is remembering
behind those blue eyes

"The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of because words diminish your feelings - words shrink things that seem timeless when they are in your head to no more than living size when they are brought out.”
Stephen King

This quote seems to sum up how I feel lately. Everything I wanted to say seemed so much more important and worth so much to me until I said them out loud. I have difficulty in describing and putting words to my emotions. They seem so hollowed out and empty when they have left me. They are not received well and I feel I am a source of great frustration and not of hope and happiness. I am sad to say that my fears are surfacing much sooner than I thought they would. I was expecting this but not so soon. I am feeling an urge to run, hide and close myself off especially when the important things that I have such a hard time saying only bring more harm than good. Grrrrrrr.......

The Ocean

Carries me
I want to see the ocean
watch the waves and feel
the cold, crisp spray
Clear my mind and
soothe my
soul

Undertones

Undertones in your voice
I feel the resonance of those
Undertone

I do not say the things
I want

I am facing Fear
I am strong

I am learning
what I want

I will not Fear the
Undertones
in your voice

I will confront them
realize they are my
Fears
not yours

I will say
what I want

move from there

Reflection

Everyday for years I would prepare myself for class. Everyday before class I would transform into a ballerina. Hair, make-up, leotard, tights, everything had to be perfect. In class a large part of who you were was what you looked like. Some of these behaviors have carried over into my life now. I still feel the need to prepare myself, for what though, work, being a mommy? I try hard to not do this any longer because what I have to say is much more than what I look like. Dance uses movement to show expression but when you are performing someone else's expression you adopt what they are looking for and turn it into yours to a certain degree. It is your expression, in some ways but you are always reminded of what the director or everyone wants to see not what you want to see. That was the reality of the world I lived in. A world built on others feelings, emotions, stories; now I am trying to find my feelings, my expression, my story. It is not easy, difficult to shed the self that lived in that fantasy realm. I am working so hard for the first time on myself. I speak now, loudly at times, softly at other times but I am still finding my voice and learning how to cope and communicate my feelings; looking for my story. I find it hard at times to speak what I am feeling and find the words to describe these feelings difficult. I find that my flaws and imperfections are one of my strengths, they make me compassionate. I find that the patients that I work do not care what I look like but how I communicate with them. It is a good lesson for me to know that my voice is something that matters so much to so many others. I also am reminded that to be beautiful it does not matter if your hair, make-up, clothing, etc. is perfect. I am finding the beauty in my choices and actions as opposed to my external being. Just some thoughts......

Now, here, you see, it takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that!
Lewis Carroll

I came across this quote earlier this week in a book (Valiant) by Holly Black that I was reading. It is interesting as many of her quotes are quotes I know well. This one stuck with me through the past few days. I feel days, it so much effort just to maintain I must use so much more just to get elsewhere. Just liked this one and will add it to the list!

The fey wonders of the world only exist while there are those with the sight to see them.
Charles De Lint

You call them mad, crazy, insane but really are they or are you just blind? Who chooses what reality is? I think most people are trapped by their reality and are afraid to see what is really there, so maybe they are the crazy, insane, mad ones!!

All right then

So after careful consideration I have decided that "IT" must have left on it's own for I did not hear it all last night, either that or it died. Well that would stink, literally stink. I have also given much idea as to who to blame and I have chosen no one. Some things just happen and that is all there is to it. So my Sunshine will be happy to know that this is not blamed on him. Tee Hee

Why is it that sometimes when things happen that are not your responsibility or your fault, you feel the need to make them right. I do not understand sometimes how hard and scary it is to deal with a terminal illness until I look the person in the eye. In that persons I eyes I see so many things, so much, anxiety, stress, hope, happiness, sadness and things I could not even fathom I am sure. We all know what it is like trying to set up Drs. appointments, just a regular yearly examination is time consuming and frustrating. Try setting three to four different appointments in different departments and coordinating, it is not an easy thing. Today I looked into the eyes of a woman that will die, not today, not tomorrow but soon and I was happy that I had a moment or two to make her feel more comfortable, I hope it made her feel she is important because really she is.

Glamour- A magic spell; enchantment; alluring beauty or charm
I wonder at times if we do not all use a bit of glamour at times with the way we look or act. Why is that? Is it deceitful to the people around you? Or are we just deceiving ourselves?
Is it because we are unsure of ourselves? Or do we just crave a bit of magic and enchantment in our lives?
Who knows, lately I am without glamour because I can not afford to deceive myself or the people around me. I hope that one day people can look at me without glamour and realize that I am just as beautiful without it, silly humans!!

Taking a break

I am taking a break, been working lots today, I then had a lunch appointment so two 20oz cups of coffee, 4 vitamin and amino acids later and I am still sleepy. Go figure. I went to sleep early last night but found myself waking every hour and a half, so I do not think I am well rested. Then around 5 this morning the crying in my heating vent started. I could not tell what "IT" was but something was not happy. Here is the tale of my "IT" in the heating vent: I have heard scuttling in the vent and thought maybe a squirrel had gotten up inside the vent somehow, it entertained the kitties and only seemed to be up there for a few minutes. It sounded like it departed. A few days later, scuttling again, I figured it had gotten in again and decided I would have someone come and fix it after "IT" had departed again. Well, I never did that, (oopppsssss) as I have not had time to waste on the phone (yet oddly I am able to blog frequently), Last night I heard a commotion outside, thought it was a neighbor outside but now I am thinking that "something" happened to my "IT" in the heating vent. I do not know, all I know is that instead of blogging I should be calling someone to get "IT" out of my vent, but now I feel like it is my "IT" and I should be able to rescue or save "IT". Hmmmm, rabid squirrel bites me and must go through series of rabies shots. Ummmm, no we will pass on that idea, I will call someone about "IT", not my "IT" I must add, "IT" is naughty and maybe rabid so "IT" must be Sunshines "IT". Yeah that is it, I shall blame it all on my Sunshine and now it is all his fault. So there, no longer my problem. See that is the best logic I have had all day. So much better than writing about gene expression in prostate cancer, better than working on the cell lines and identifying which markers are upregulated. Arrrggghhh, break over back to the Western blots, the Northern analysis and IHC for the genes. Yay, genes!!!!!!!!

Puuurrrrrrrr

XXX

Settled

There are some days that I do not quite feel myself. I am a bit off, this is not a bad thing just awkward. My clothes do not fit right, my words do come out correctly, and I feel anxious and fidgety. Today I think it is because the holidays are over, I aggravated my back by carrying the tree out and decorations over to my storage area, back at work I realize how important this job is too me but others are not so inclined to do what they are supposed to. All in all today is a good day, just a bit anxious, nothing that I can not handle. I may call the Drs. and have my valium prescription filled, that might make things a bit more mellow and stop my back and shoulder from twitching.

I am very happy though because last night I received a call from my favorite friend in the whole wide world. We have known each other since I was 18 and I love and respect her more than she will ever know. We live pretty close to one another, a few hundred miles, she always makes me smile and I love it when we can spend time together. She is performing this Sat and I think I shall go to see her perform. You see she is my twin (at least that is what everyone thought a long time ago), not so much in the way we look anymore, but in the way we think at times. Anyway, just thought it was important to share my love for the lovely friend that is so dear to me.

I never understood before
I never knew what love was for
My heart was broke, my head was sore
What a feeling

Tied up in ancient history
I didnt believe in destiny
I look up you're standing next to me
What a feeling

What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
Brighter than sunshine
Let the rain fall, i don't care
I'm yours and suddenly you're mine
Suddenly you're mine
and it's brighter than sunshine

I never saw it happening
I'd given up and given in
I just couldn't take the hurt again
What a feeling

I didn't have the strength to fight
suddenly you seemed so right
Me and you
What a feeling

What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
It's brighter than sunshine
Let the rain fall, I don't care
I'm yours and suddenly you're mine
Suddenly you're mine

It's brighter than the sun
It's brighter than the sun
It's brighter than the sun, sun, shine.

Love will remain a mystery
But give me your hand and you will see
Your heart is keeping time with me

What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
It's brighter than sunshine
Let the rain fall, I don't care
I'm yours and suddenly you're mine
Suddenly you're mine

I got a feeling in my soul ...
Aqualung
Brighter Than Sunshine

I like this song. Makes me feel good and makes me feel a bit better.

Anxious and worried

And in the summer when the clouds show through
I might go the same way too if
You and I could talk together
Well what am I supposed to do with
You and I would walk together
Then with always close around and
Now you gaze toward the doorway
When the weather comes falling down

CHORUS
And when the rain comes down
Would you choose to walk or stay
Would you choose to walk
Would you choose to stay
Would you
Walk walk walk walk walk away
(away) (away) away away (away) away
away away walk away
Would you choose to walk away

And when the rain comes down
Would you choose to walk or stay
Would you choose to walk
Would you choose to stay
Would you
Walk walk walk walk walk away

Though when the day is nearly
Through I might see the same way too if
You would name the things
That bring you down on me so I could say it's
Not quite true if you don't really
Know or understand the circumstance
Behind then I might clear your
Mind and you won't have to go so
Sisters of Mercy
Walk Away

I over react at times but only because this is not easy. I am doing one of the hardest things I have ever done before. I will have to confront the fears which at times render me a paralyzed emotionally. I am trying so hard to be positive and remember what my goals are. This evening has been a challenge, the past few weeks have been a challenge for me also. Change is not easy, leaving is not easy, Why am I so worried and anxious?

Hello, New Year

Welcoming in the New Year with the bean and one of her friends. Very excited for we went to make birthday presents for Sunshine and his Mum. Yeah!!! I shall try to post them next week. Late but at least it will not take me months. LOL. I have made no resolutions for the new year, I will just continue to be the best me that I can be. I am excited for this year to begin and am so looking forward to the wonderful things that it will bring to me. I am thinking that this year will be a yummy, wonderful year. Hopefully a bit better for my family and the kittens! Off to make pizza and get out the wine glasses for the girls, no wine for them, some sparkling cider though!!

Happy New Year!!

Puuurrrrrr

All right

I made it through December 29 without any problems, I was a bit anxious but it was OK. Had an evening to myself and indulged in a lovely bath and such. Already cleared off a bit of my desk because I got here very early and hopefully they will let us leave a bit early today. Just took my last antibiotic so hopefully my jaw does not get worse this weekend and cause me great pain. Thank goodness the jaw thing will hopefully be over with by the end of the month. Horrible knowing you got pieces of stuff in your jaw that just sat there for seven years. Blech!!

This morning I am listening to: Until The End of the World Motion Picture Soundtrack. I love the movie but alas it has not been released on DVD yet, until then I listen to the soundtrack which is equally impressive and beautiful.

(I'll Love You) Till the End of the World
Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds
It was a miracle I even got out of Longwood alive,
this town full of men with big mouths and no guts;
I mean if you can just picture it,
the whole third floor of the hotel gutted by the blast
and the street below showered in shards of broken glass,

and all the drunks pouring out of the dance halls
staring up at the smoke and the flames;
and the blind pencil seller waving his stick
shouting for his dog that lay dead on the side of the road;
and me, if you can believe this,
at the wheel of the of the car
closing my eyes and actually praying;
not to God above but to you, saying:

Help me, girl; help me, girl
I'll love you till the end of the world
With your eyes black as coal
and your long dark curls

Some things we plan,
we sit and we invent and we plot and cook up;
others are works of inspiration, of poetry;
and it was this genius hand that pushed me up the hotel stairs
to say my last goodbye
to a hair as white as snow and of pale blue eyes
[saying:]
I gotta go; I gotta go,
the bomb in the bread basket are ready to blow

in this town of men with big mouths and no guts,
the pencil seller's dog, spooked by the explosion,
leaping under my wheels as I careered out of Longwood
on my way to you waiting in your dress,
in your dress of blue

I said:
Thank you, girl; thank you, girl
I'll love you till the end of the world
with your eyes black as coal
and your long, dark curls

and with the horses prancing through the fields,
with my knife in my jeans and the rain on the shield;
I sang a song for the glory of the beauty of you
waiting for me
in your dress of blue

Thank you, girl. Thank you, girl
I'll love you till the end of the world
with your eyes black as coal
and your long, dark curls

Life

Life-The property or quality that distinguishes living organisms from dead organisms and inanimate matter, manifested in functions such as metabolism, growth, reproduction, and response to stimuli or adaptation to the environment originating from within the organism.
The physical, mental, and spiritual experiences that constitute existence

Hmmm, today is December 29, 2005; seven years have passed since this day which seems like a lifetime ago. The day that I lived to see December 30, 1998, not that I remember that day or the subsequent days and months following. I remember being in a lot of pain and taking lots of drugs and bits and pieces of shock trauma but there is still no order to any of it and time seems a bit skewed during that period. I am so very happy that things are the way that they are. I have a beautiful, smart, funny daughter that is growing quickly, a wonderful partner (that gives and brings so much to me) who I love and care for deeply, a place that pays me (though frustrating at times) to do something I really care about, two sweet, loving kittens to greet me in the evenings and life. Some one asked me once what was so great about being alive and what living means my response is: To hear the trees talking to each other in the breeze, the lady walking along by herself that you randomly give a flower to, the smile on someone's face that touches the eyes, running through grass with barefeet, spinning until you are dizzy and fall down, dreaming of all the places that you will experience, touching the lives of others and helping, watching a spider weave a web, seeing the stars on a cold crisp night, these are just a few of the things that living means to me. I at times forget these things and it always seems when I need a bit of inspiration that someone or something nudges these things from the depths of my mind.

Does it ever get easier

I know death, have confronted it, have my own thoughts and feelings about it, so why does it not get easier when it touches your life. We lost a patient yesterday, it is not easy, makes it hard and sad to come to work. The patient does not care he is dead, so why does it make me feel sad. He had lived a full life, full of happiness, sorrow and I am sure many other things, his time had come to finish his tale here. Still knowing all this it makes me feel low, makes it hard to sit here waiting for that next call, because I know there will be another and another and another. It is the nature of this position; funeral homes, police officers, DNR forms, the ending of his tale is where I step in and begin a new chapter of my story. In the grand scheme of things this office is the ending for all the patients that are here. I do everything possible to help them through the winding path of bringing closure to their live and stories. I wonder if the sweet release of death only lasts for minutes or if it is continual, is it really just the chemicals in your brain or is it so much more? I have read a lot about near death experiences and mine did not really resemble too many accounts, is it because chemically my mind works differently? I could not begin to describe in words anything of my experience. I will just mark it as another chapter in a story that will continue for another day.

Crazy

It has been a crazy, busy morning at work. The patient from the previous post will not be here today so I have no worries about that anymore. Although many other patients seem to be having issues this morning. I think maybe the holidays causes them undue stress and that they are unable to handle it physically. I am sitting in my cold little office trying to organize about thirteen clinical trials. I have two more clinical trials to prepare for CRC submission over the week as well, I have plenty to do and I suppose I should start working on the BRAAN submission for said trials. Well the day is flying by, so I am not complaining.

I took the time to read some Jim Carroll this morning. I can not remember the first time I was introduced to Jim Carroll, it has been tucked away in one of those hallways with the door shut tight. I will remember and drag it one of these days, who knows what else is there with it. I just know though that he has been on of my favorite poets for a very long time. I am posting one of his poems here, comment, I would like to know what you think and why! Here it goes, Enjoy!!!!

Love Poem (Later)
for Rise

The little bonus
of my hand on your breast
makes a bus seem so useful
when some rain begins to open.

then cloud waves cracked sun shafts
when the sky began to whistle
and I was thinking about it all night
just watching it move from my eye to my hand.

it's not very meaningless
the changes one makes lying down
it's almost the way a mountain feels
when it becomes a star

"Fear Of Dreaming: The Selected Poems Of Jim Carroll"

Puuurrrrrrr

We had a lovely Christmas but I am glad that it is over. The bean received at least two of the three things she requested from Father Christmas. The first thing on her list was that Merlin have a long happy life, maybe Father Christmas blew some extra winter magic on Merlin when he came to visit, that would make me happy!!!

I had a thought about friends that I know this weekend. I have one friend, the one that was suppose to marry. Well after few months they have split and she will not be marrying. I will once again be taking a small break from this person as she sucks energy. I have had this friend for over twenty years of my life and I do not think she is a "bad" person she just does some things I am uncomfortable with. Everytime she is without a potential boyfriend she calls and wants to suck my energy. She has not come to the point in her life where she realizes she has problems and she is not a victim. I have never been a victim to anyone besides my own self. The problems that I have caused have been my fault and no one else's. I accept that, embrace it and work through it but I realize that it was my fault. I have a harder time with things beyond my control and with problems that result from someone else's mistake that effect me years later. An example of this is the accident, if seven years later I did not have to have surgery on my jaw, my back was not in constant pain and half the teeth in my jaw did not have to be replaced, I would probably be able to move forward and feel better about it all. I never have addressed the anger, pain and fear that the accident caused me. The fact that I was just happy to be alive was enough at that time' now is the time when trying to move past that one defining point in my life that I need to realize that there were other emotions which were never processed. These are the things that I need to focus on for my Wednesday appointment. In order to understand how the chemicals and behaviors have been manipulated I must go back to the point of when everything was lost. Sometimes I feel like I am digging and poking around inside my brain that maybe I will find a diamond and I will be free of all the harm and destruction that I tend to bring upon myself. Anyway my point was, I take responsibility for my actions and blame no one but myself that is something I have realized many people do not do often. That I think is why there are so many lawsuits and crappy people around.

I am so not looking forward to going to work tomorrow morning and dealing with this one patient. I know I must but jeez, she is not a nice person. You would think that in the position she is in that she would take the time to realize that I do not care who she is or how much money she has. She is a patient, I treat everyone the same regardless of social standing. In eighteen months or less she will no longer have a social standing so does it really matter now? I hope she learns how to treat the people that are trying to help her, it would be nice.


Off to sleepy time, to dream of sheep and sunny days!!!!!

Shhhhhhh

The office is quiet, I believe most people have left early for the holidays. The next couple of days should be nice and calm as long as everyone remains calm and listens. I hear the muffled sounds of people moving things past my doors, walking down the hallway and voices wishing everyone "Happy Holidays". Only one more day left before I can sleep in late, wrapped in down and velvet with kittens on the side.

Ohh, shhhh, the silence was broken because I could not read on of my doc's handwriting. Go figure, so now he is coming by to translate. Shhhhh, should not have been thinking out loud. LOL.

Not this morning

I did not want to get up this morning.

I did not want to wake up alone this morning.

I did not want to scold Puck for pulling the ornaments off the tree.

I did not want to wake to Merlin wheezing and having a breathing attack.

I did not want to worry about my Merlin this morning.

I did not want to wait for the bus this morning.

I did not feel like working this morning.

I do not feel like trying to decipher another institutions stats for minority patients this morning.

I do not feel like talking to any patients this morning.

I do not want to figure out the Jewish Holiday Calendar this morning.

I do not feel like trying to speak Hebrew this morning.

Pretty much the only thing I wanted to do this morning was stay all warm and snuggly in bed, dreaming of (definitely not sugarplums *Shivers*)warm Sunshine wrapped all around me.

Alas, poor me. Tee hee!!!

Serenity

.Serenity came to my Sunshine. She is very cute, cuddly and naughty too!! She is waiting for our arrival in CO also. Finally some Serenity.

It has very cold here, I would not mind it so much if it would snow. I do not mean snow/sleet or freezing rain, I have been stomping my foot and pouting my lower lip but it still does not snow. Maybe I should do the Snowflake scene from The Nutcracker, maybe then it would snow. I can not wait to live somewhere where the snow is not all wet and slushy.

Work has been crazy busy, patients are anxious, patients families are anxious and they tend not to listen to anything you say. Ohhh well, I would be anxious as well. I have been working on statistical figures for all the partnering facilities that work with us for one of the groups that support some of the cancer center research. Lots of numbers for only five institutions.

There have been holiday parties, lunches and presents galore. My tree now has an extra five gifts that were not there before this week.

I am excited for Christmas but at the same time slightly upset that Sunshine will not be here nor will we be there. We miss him so very much and are so looking forward to joining him in CO.

My neighbor stopped by this evening for some tea. He brought donuts with him, he is older but had some lovely tales of his days as a young boy during WW II. I love to listen to people tell tales of a lifetime, the glow you see in their eyes as they recall many years like it was yesterday. One day I hope my story will be as exciting and fascinating to someone and they recognize that spark in me.

We are quickly approaching the anniversary of my accident, seven years will have gone by on December 29. I have decided to remember all the positive things that have come from the accident instead of the negative. I am trying to get over it. Ohhh, I said those words now I am in trouble. Tee hee!!!!

I am very sleepy, tired, so off I go to dream the dreams that will inspire me to do .............

Puuurrrrrrrrr

OK, Now

So I have "gotten over it", but that phrase is no longer in use. So, I buried it and will let it rot far away from me. Certain phrases must be removed from my life in order to keep me sane. "Get over it" is one such phrase. Ohhh, there are others that I say that have been removed and buried as well. It is a give and take so I gave that one right back and it is all over now.

I am getting very excited about Christmas!!! Yeah, Christmas, I wish it would hurry and get here already. We are waking up and counting the days until Christmas Eve. The bean is so very excited, which in turn makes me very excited. The only thing that is making me sad is the fact that I miss my sunshine being so far away. Sniffle sniffle but next year will be a family Christmas so that will be a good thing, probably with snow too!!! Yeah, real snow, not wet and messy sorta snow, but real snowman building, snow angels making, and snowball fights snow!!!

GET OVER IT

It is just a feeling, get over it.
Get over it? I suppose that is easy?
Feelings, I suppose those are stupid things that get in the way.
I suppose I should pretend that it does not bother me. Why say anything, I should just deal with and
get over it.
Will not bring it up again, because I have gotten over it.
So there
Take that. I am all over it, and that feeling no longer exists for me.
All over it, all over it, because it just does not matter obviously.


It is Ok because I am so over it. See just like pushing a switch
Ouch, I need a band-aid to put over it because it just does not want me to get over it just yet
That feeler must not have heard and feels broken now. Squished, shattered, smacked possibly maybe not a band-aid but some surgery.
This one might be hard to fix, does not understand how to
GET OVER IT

Anxiety

So I am a bit anxious about Merlin. Like anyone with disease he has good days and bad days. It just stinks because on his bad days I am terrified I will come home and he will be so sick that I must take him in to be put to sleep. This kitten is my baby, he means so much to us and I am so happy that he has done so well for this long but I am in a constant state of anxiety. I take it day by day, giving as much love to him as I can.

Tiny little things

Frataxin is so very very small compared to me and compared to the galaxy I am the size of frataxin. While the precise role of human frataxin remains to be determined, the molecule appears to be involved in regulating the export and/or inport of mitochondrial Fe. These are the things that never cease to amaze me. Fifteen to twenty years ago no one realized that these tiny little bits existed. Theory is all that existed concerning frataxin, now it is put to practical uses and we will eventually determine the role it plays. Interesting. Maybe, someone will one day determine my role in the universe. Tee hee!

Blech, feeling ill

Today was an ill day. I was not well. I am feeling like dirt, that has been snowed on, frozen, plowed and stepped on!!

I am very excited for Christmas, the tree is up, the house decorated and presents purchased!! Yeah! Along with the excitement though comes the anxiety of the days after, over the past six years the end of December has always been pretty craptastic for me. I have decided this year it will not be a bad, as long as my kitten does not die or I do not get run over by a bus!!! I am happy I have had such a good year, a year that has brought about a large growth in issues that have plagued me most of my life. Realizations on the way things are changing for the better, so hopefully the last five days of December will reflect that these changes have been positive, or maybe it will not! Who knows, not me, that's for sure!!!

Off to nap some more and get well, so I can go back to the hospital and pick up more germs. Yeah, for germs and pathogens!!! They are my favorite little invaders.

Loon

I had a patient call the other day, she thinks she is a loon. I assured that I do not think she is a loon but what do I know? Not a thing, I know that she faces a very difficult path ahead of her and that she should be as loony as she would like to be!!!

This morning I received a wonderful compliment from one of my Drs., I guess during the clinical faculty meeting some lovely things were said about me and he thought that I should be aware of how much everyone appreciates the work I do. Made me feel wonderful and a little guilty for blogging when I should be working. Tee hee!

I think this weekend my sunshine did and said some things that really made me feel so special and loved. He has given so much more than anyone else in my life (with the exception of my bean)and sometimes I am not always sure how to put these things into words or conversations so I thought I would put it here. I am putting that moment here, because I know eventually he will read this. He is very special, important and wonderful to me, he listens to me, is patient with me and tries so hard to understand the delicate balance of the path I walk. It has been a bumpy path where I have tried to be everything to everyone, forgetting myself at times along the way. Through this he has stood by my side and has been the only positive influence, he reminds me to look forward to the future and not to dwell in the past because really I do that during therapy and sometimes it takes weeks for me to filter through all the residual fears and emotions that I encounter during those sessions. I so look forward to the time when our paths are together because it really is quite passionate and wonderful. I feel at home when he is near me and it just feels right.

Back to work now

Puurrrrrrr

XXX

In between

I find myself in between two emotions right now. Happy and sad. I am happy in regards to the past six days,sad because those six days are over, happy that things are progressing but sad because it seems so far away. The fluctuation is very overwhelming to me, happy/elated/sad and low going in cycles about every 20-30 minutes. I suppose things will be OK in a few days as the house returns to our normal state of affairs but until then, I will be in between, in flux, laughing and crying at the same time counting down the days until my family is together again. I think the people I work with want to give me some Zoloft and make me a bubbly, happy face today!

That time

You know the time between falling asleep and dreaming, the time when you are not quite aware of the sounds but they filter through to your thoughts a bit. That is the time last night when laying next to you, I realized how much you mean to our lives. The past few days have been so very yummy and beautiful. They mean so much to me and I look forward to the time when I wake next to you every morning. The sound of you sleeping next to me, the breathing, the warmth of your body and the whisper of the sheets as you settle yourself into slumber. I woke briefly to watch you and am filled with desire. Desire to have you smile at me, desire to have your hand in mine walking down the street, desire of having your arms around me in Starbuck's, and the desire to wrap myself around you. You are beautiful and precious to me and I desire a life with you. It is that time, that time when it is clear to me.

Puurrrrrrr

XXX

Dragging

Have you ever noticed when you are waiting for something how slowly the day proceeds. I have mucho amounts of work but they morning is moving so slow. Seconds, minutes, hours move like molasses. This morning blew, late buses, grumpy gus's, cold morning and wet hair= an unhappy faery. Angry research nurses, attending physician and impatient me= an anxious, nervous faery. I guess I should be working on the gizillion things that need to be done before departing for four days but alas, I have no desire to even touch the 16 piles all over my office. Is it 4:30 yet? No? Well, darn!!!!!!!!

On a side note things have been very stressful lately with family interactions. I am tired and worn out just from trying to cope with them. It will be nice to have a brief holiday away from them. I love them but I do not much like them. That is really sad. **Sigh**

The night before

The night before he comes to visit is filled with anticipation. Anticipation of warm hugs, sensual kisses and lovely sighs. I am so excited to have four days to share with him and look forward to his arrival. I am excited ......

People in my day

So today was interesting, this an account of the people in my life and how it effects me. The first people I saw this morning besides my beautiful bean are the people I ride the bus with. They are the same people I see pretty much every morning five days a week. They are pleasant group of people. I like them one of the ladies works down at the University in the nephrology dept. She is quirky but funny like a little elf. The next people I encountered was the ladies that care for my bean in the morning before school. They are older ladies and very sweet! I really liked hearing about their Thanksgiving. The next person in my day was Dr. E, he picked me up right outside the school and gave me a ride to work. He is really great, nice to work for, he made the comment once that I am one of three people that makes his day at work. What a nice compliment! Upon arriving I work I had a chance to catch up with Michelle, Dr E's NP, she is a wonderful, sweet person. Pretty, great personality and an overall a caring person. We then encountered Ruth, the research RN, she is a beautiful person as well, she unfortunately was the bearer of bad news. JK was a nurse that work for Dr. E's research team, a little over a year ago she was diagnosed with cancer. After a long tough battle she finally let go on Thanksgiving morning. The last few months were the most difficult for her and she was in so much pain. I am glad I was able to know her, she was an amazing being and through most of her fight she was so strong and positive. I hope she has found her way to the meadow to play with the fae! Through out the day I interacted with many other people but these are the people that have touched me today and I am thankful and happy that they are moments in my life. While on my way home, reflecting on the moral and ethical issues of assisted suicide for terminally ill people, the bus driver started doing a little dance with his hands, I looked up at him and smiled. In that smile I saw an older black gentleman that had life. His smile lit up the bus and he made me think that it is the little things that people do that make living so worthwhile. A smile, a dance and the jig of life!!

Upon my arrival home my friend Ann called, she stopped by and had coffee. She was very patient and endured listening to a phone call from my father. That my friends is a whole tale in and of itself. Consisting of childhood memories, not the best ones either, and drawn out arguments that make no sense to anyone let alone me. Anyway, I think I have been disowned, at least for the weekend, due to a difference of opinion and being true to myself. I never have understood why someone can not look at themselves and not see what a hypocrite they are. I live a simple life, I have strived to be true to myself and the people that I surround myself with, I have no desire to be around a negative, ugly, angry person that does not want to live outside the life they created. Narrow-minded, stubborn and unable to see any other point of view. I tried to explain certain ideas I have on how my life should be but it was ignored. Eh, oh well.

Speaking to crstfr on the phone and awaiting for Thursday to arrive. I can not wait to see him. I might just burst but that might be messy and then who would clean up the mess? I so love this man and what he offers me sometimes I wonder how he puts up with all the extra poo and still seems to think I am wonderful. I am a force of nature after all, a force of nature that must go dream of sheep to be prepared for all the people in my day tomorrow!

Ahhhh, better

So I woke up this morning and yesterdays despair has disappeared. I am in a great mood. Maybe I just needed some sleep. Today is going to be a lovely day. I received a highlight for a photo on my moblog which made me feel good. My house is almost in order and I shall commence hanging Christmas lights today. I will probably be one of the houses that hangs lights as most my neighbors practice orthodox Judaism. My neighbors are all quite lovely and pleasant and there is basically no crime but I think I might miss the festive lights of the season. I am so very excited for Christmas and hopefully we will have some snow!!! Hard to believe how quickly the year is passing. In seven months we shall be on our way to the new city to which we shall reside. The East coast will be far behind us and we will be heading West! Yeah!!!!

Sometimes

Sometimes I just want to yell and scream
throw my hands up in the air
Just scream "FORGET IT"
all of it
Why do I bother?
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, I hate all of this sometimes!!
Venting, I can not wait until Wednesday.
I think I am having some sort of anxiety attack, not like anyone cares
but me
I think I might call the soul dentist
I just need to talk but no one is around
ahhh, I will call my twin. That might work.
at least she understands
me

Ohhhhh, bad mood

I am in a craptastic mood, why you ask? Well just because. I can not put my finger on it. I feel angry. I had an OK Thanksgiving, food was nice but I think I was not where I wanted to be. I did not want to be in a certain place just with a special someone. It mad me angry that I was not where I wanted to be. It also makes me sad. I want, I want, I want nothing that can be bought, nothing that is seen, I just want. Does that make me greedy? No, I do not think so. I want to be held, coddled at times, snoggled, you get the point! I want to be away from here, not that I do not like here. I have a nice place to live, a lovely daughter, two silly kittens, a great job and a family that drives me insane. Quite literally insane. I have probably one of the most dysfunctional families I have ever seen. I know there are worse families but communication in my family stinks. You can not speak freely without being yelled at or ignored. I do not want to surround myself with these things. The negativity chokes you at all times. I can not breath at all. I feel like I am gasping for air and trying scream what life means but it just gets lost in the echoes of my own head. No one here to listen anyway not that they do even when I speak. Anyway that I guess is why I am in a craptastic mood. All those things rolled up make me anxious and feeling low, insecure and small. I wanted things to be different after all the work I have put into my life, relationships and communications. I know I can not change anyone but if they would just look and realize that I am different and I have worked so hard to make these changes maybe I would feel better. Life moves, today I am just treading water while it flows by me.

Memories

Last week a box was returned to me that I have not seen in about 11 years. Inside I found some wonderful memories. Memories are funny things for me. I concentrate so much on recovering the ones that have been lost to fix me that I think at times I have overlooked the ones that are beautiful and wonderful. In the box were toys of the beans that she played with as a wee lass. Books that she loved when she was about 18 months old, letters received from friends from when I was 20, a painting that was painted for me, pictures of the bean from when she was so little. All in all good memories from a mind that has forgotten so much. The memories come easier now, not as much work to bring them forth but reliving the trauma associated with some is difficult. The beautiful ones made my heart swell and made me very happy. I guess it balances out but I need to remember I suppose that things are not always as bad as they seem and I am becoming a better person because of all of the work that is going into this. It at times seems very dream-like and surreal.

Purrrrrr.

Pain

The left side of my face has decided to swell up again. I look like I have a golf ball hanging off the side of my face. Attractive I know. I am in so much pain, I am waiting for the Dr. to return my call and the minutes are dragging. Stupid bus, stupid ##*&$$**@^$$%^ bus!! Stupid doctor, stupid ###@%%^&*(&&^%##@%^ doctor. All I can say is this stinks!!! Someone give me some pain relief please!!!!!!!!!! It also made me have bad dreams last night. Things I will not go into right now but they sucked so now I am in pain, not well rested, feeling slightly tweaked and having bad thoughts pass through my mind. Arrrgggghhhhhhhhhhh!

Human beings

Human beings are funny creatures. I notice a large majority of folks care little for others except the people in their family or friendships. I have noticed that few people actually care about anything outside of their universe. I meet very few people that ever do any random acts of kindness. I suppose I expect too much from the masses. I know someone who has a family here, he makes good money, has a decent life and I have always respected him because he is just a really caring person in general. I found out earlier this year that beyond this his family owns a successful orchard in a foreign country, the proceeds for this do not go to his family he donates all the proceeds to a village school for supplies, teacher salaries, and building maintenance. This man is someone I like to be around, these are the people I choose to associate with at this point in my life. I want people like this in my life, it inspires me to look beyond the ordinary everyday trials that I have and puts them in perspective. On Friday, I had a patient call me to thank me for everything I had helped him with, the thing that really "got" me is how the little bit of time I spent working on helping this person was not hard. I did what I would want someone to do for me in that situation. Have people gotten so numb that they are unwilling to help regardless of situation. It made me feel good to know that this little thing that I did made this patient so happy and it made my day that this person felt the need to call me and thank me. There are so many important things in life that have so little to do with the focuses that many people seem to have. I want everything that money can not buy me, I want love, laughter, happiness, tears, joy, sorrow, feelings, to help people and health. Money does not provide any of that and I guess that is what is sometimes forgotten. I hope to never forget that and to continue to help in whatever way I can to anyone that needs it. People make mistakes, I have made many, but I have few regrets as I learn more about who I am, what potential I have and what I can do. I have been touched by so many people this past year that I am so happy to have known an so happy that they randomly showed me all the traits that I thought many human beings have lost. I think I shall pass this along and do some random acts of kindness during the week just to return some of what has been given to me!!

Self

I am working on self this week and finding a way to define my self. It should be an interesting project with many facets attached to it. I am trying to figure out the best medium for me to express my[self] in which it is easier to break down some blocks and walls that have been erected inside my head. It is not easy to define self to your[self]. We shall see what comes up and how I cope with seeing my[self] in a different perspective. That's it. All I have right now as work ha been crazy and I am exhausted.

Road Rash

In the road
Yellow lines
Double to single
Face the line
shoe lost, clothes gone
tubes in
flat on the board
dreaming, dreaming of a place
Asphalt peices, lodged in what is left of my face
The mirror always lied to me
I laugh
I cry
over the road rash that scars my
face

Skin

Skin
Streched and taunt
or is it
Taut and tense
There is some flesh left
Blood
Pumping
pulling through
Tubes
Eyes are moving
in
my
head
Skin
Bruised and
Gone

Hoo Hum

Feeling low today, low energy, very tired
basically annoyed all day.
Dropped a directory on my cup of soda today.
ended up with soda all over my desk
my desk had papers all over it
then it had soda and lots of wet papers
thankfully none of the important ones got wet
Finished up a letter of intent I have been trying to get done
for weeks
Many patient issues today.
One of my favorite prostate cancer patients
now has progressed
His wife wanted me to send her the report
She could not tell by my voice if it was good news or bad news
I could not read it and know without telling her so I closed the report
I would not read the report until I spoke to the Dr.
I can not tell her, luckily it is not my job to crush her.
Sad sometimes but I have so much hope and desire to make things the best
that they can be for them for as long as I can
Felling low, tomorrow will be better

Interesting

Came across this photographer that decided to do a two year long project on sex machines and the makers of said devices. I have put a link to his blog, you should check it out it is cool.

http://thesexmachinebook.blogspot.com/


Enjoy!!!

The Child Within

My voice has a quiver.
That's where you store the arrows
Before you shoot

My voice sings deeper than
It speaks. Some people
Hear tears hidden in the words
I say.

I'm not afraid of, say, swarms
Of locust. When I want to weep, I do.
It's no different than pissing.

Some nights I can feel
My voice melting down
In greenish layers, & luminescent
Like a plutonium cough drop.

At times I use my voice
To laugh
In order to prove
I am a man.

Once I whacked out my voice
With a two-by-four
So the fruit would grow
Faster on the plum tree
Beside the house.
I would utter a phrase
Any phrase--it wasn't like a chant,
No ebb nor flow

And when it was about
Two and half feet in front of me
I would swing the wood
And just beat the living crap
Out of whatever I said.

Jim Carroll
Void of Course

I decided it was time to be a redhead again because I thought it would be fun. So I laughed as the sun hit my red, red locks.

She causes Trouble

Trouble
Oh trouble set me free
I have seen your face
And it's too much too much for me

Trouble
Oh trouble can't you see
You're eating my heart away
And there's nothing much left of me

I've drunk your wine
You have made your world mine
So won't you be fair
So won't you be fair

I don't want no more of you
So won't you be kind to me
Just let me go where
I'll have to go there

Trouble
Oh trouble move away
I have seen your face
And it's too much for me today

Trouble
Oh trouble can't you see
You have made me a wreck
Now won't you leave me in my misery

I've seen your eyes
And i can see death's disguise
Hangin' on me
Hangin' on me

I'm beat, i'm torn
Shattered and tossed and worn
Too shocking to see
Too shocking to see

Trouble
Oh trouble move from me
I have paid my debt
Now won't you leave me in my misery

Trouble
Oh trouble please be kind
I don't want no fight
And i haven't got a lot of time

Cat Stevens

Sometimes I am in a mood to start Trouble, not large amounts of Trouble, nothing that would get me in Trouble but Trouble just the same.

I wonder what she would do if I threw out all the useless hurt and pain she has caused by her manipulations and lies. I wonder what she would do if she really understood what she has done to all three of us. I wonder how I would feel if I tried. I am so angry at times but why would I want to cause anyone that pain. I wonder how she would feel about causing me pain, I do not think she would care because until it effects her it does not exist. I am sad, hurt and angry at her and yet still afraid to hurt her feelings because I am better than that. I am dealing with the sins of my mother and she does not even acknowledge that they exist. Pointless to approach her.....Pointless to try to talk about reality with her.... I have decided my mother has lost her mind!

Ok then

Not going to talk about myself on this post. It is boring anyway so here are the topics of the day.

Maryland MTA

Shadow Boy

Let me start with Maryland MTA. MTA recently did a huge overhaul of it's system to make it more reliable, better routes, better schedules, blah, blah, blah. Well the people at MTA must be idiots. They have made the bus system even more of a mess then it was prior to the changes. You are lucky if a bus even shows up now. Let me tell you, the folks that run the administrative offices are something too. You, John Q. Public, are not allowed to have the number to the administrations offices. No one seems to have that number, seems you have to go through the switch board then they send you in great big circles. I am overwhelmingly happy to see my tax dollars and fare going to such great use.

Shadow Boy belongs to many different message boards but it seems he posts all the same things on like six of them. They have not altered in the past 6 months, the same things over and over again, just like his women. I am starting to see a cycle here. Surprising though I thought maybe he had some good points but now realize he is just as much of a shadow of a person. He has officially stopped having any creative thought that might have once been in that head. Could be the amount he smokes up and drinks too, who knows,

Well I am going to talk about myself now, but this is my blog so it is acceptable. Lately I have had some conflicting information, the question is do I follow what could be intuition and figure out a solution or am I just being anxious as I do tend to obsess over things a bit. Hmmm, it is extremely frustrating and tiring trying to figure this all out.

Enough for now

Urrrghhhhhh, Monday

Today is Monday and it really feels like a Monday too. I was about 45 minutes late for work this morning. They really do not say anything to me about being late because I am rarely late at all, but I care. It messes my whole morning up especially when I am trying to accomplish a bunch of things.

The left side of my jaw has swollen up once again. Infection has set in once again, I suppose it could be worse considering the reasons for it swelling up. I really should be quite grateful that I do not have more problems associated with the accident but really it has been almost seven years can we just stop with the mouth things and back stuff already. Had I known that the dental and mouth pain would be so severe I would have told them to replace all my teeth and not rewire them back in. I am really dreading this debris removal, it is going to hurt, I am curious as to what they will find though. The last thing to come out was a piece of glass and it probably will be better than trying to let the stuff work itself out that was painful. Maybe they should just amputate my head . . . .

Work has been crazy busy this morning so at least my Monday is flying by. I must now go check the bus schedule as the MTA has so royally screwed me with the new schedules and route changes. I would love to invite the person who changed all the routes and time tables to ride the bus with me for one day, just one and then maybe they would realize how craptastic their services really are.

Hope everyone else's was better than mine has been so far, at least it is not raining like they said it would, it is beautiful and sunny that is a great thing on this cruddy Monday.

So sad

At work today getting stuff ready for medical records I came across all my grandfathers paperwork. It has made me sad as I miss him. I wish I could have had a little bit of good time with him before he expired. I wish the quality of life at the end had not been so horrible. I know that it was better that it happened sooner than later and as I have said before that 1-2 weeks earlier would have been much better but I do not think I got to say what I needed to say in the end. Ohh well, I suppose it is selfish of me anyway since it was ending not mine. Just a little sad reading through all the notes and such.......
Sniffle, sniffle

Reflections

Can you tell me about yourself
I am partial to life without
How long have you wanted this
How do I say this
I've always wanted this
What are your weaknesses

Where in ten can you see yourself
I remark, "To the tenth without."
How much can you benefit
How do I say it
I always benefit
What are your weaknesses

What are your weaknesses
I won't pass you by

It's autumn, love
You're better for the several of us
You group it and your group it
But it's autumn, love

-Mates of State

Mmmmmm, just listening to Mates of State and working. Love this song, makes me feel wonderful. Still reflecting on various things.

Reflection....... Stem Cell Research- Due to morality and ethical issues the United States is quite far behind in this type of research. This is a sad, sad thing because politics should not be involved in the regulation of science. I believe regulations and codes to protect it's citizens from harm is acceptable but to out right deny funding for something that could save many lives is not in the best interest of the people.

Next reflection ....... Supreme Courts involvement in Oregon's state law on the right to die. I feel that if the Federal government would like to tell the state(s) how to run it's state medical boards and regulate the type of care you receive from physicians then maybe we should have a unified health care plan run by the feds. Until they can offer this to their citizens, lower health care fraud, cut the amount of malpractice suits, etc; then the feds should just stay out of it. Besides I believe that if I am terminal with less than six months to live would like to have that right to decide what is best for me.

I find it disheartening while trying to teach my daughter of the importance of the Constitution and government that the current state of affairs is a complete and total disaster.

Who am I kidding?????? The government wants to tell me how to do everything from the morals I should have to the type of healthcare I receive. Disgusting!!!!!!!

Enough rambling, more work!!!!

Thoughts.....

Over the week I have been thinking.... Yes, I know it is hard to believe. LOL. My sister came down from New York this weekend and I had some interesting conversations regarding my family. All I can say is Colorado seems like a better and better idea everyday. Along with the question is what do I want to do, moving to Colorado will definitely free up some time and so I feel that I need to do something different. For a few years I have been tossing around the idea of learning how to make stained glass pieces. I feel this is something that I would like to do, maybe even more than like. I suppose I will not know until I try and since I am a an employee of the state in which I live, at a rather large educational facility, I am allowed to take classes for free. After reviewing the schedule for classes I have decided that I am submitting my paperwork for the spring semester for stained glass. The materials will run about 200 for the class but I think it is well worth the investment.

So more thoughts turn towards relationships, not mine I might add, I have a friend that has known the significant other for a short period of time. In giving the history of most of the relationships this person has been in, I find it hard to think that this person would even think that marriage is a good idea and try to have me agree that this is best for them. Why not live together for a few years first, why must the marriage be done so quickly. This person is supposedly not religious, so that is not the excuse, but if it is meant to be then this person could wed in two or three years. I think that makes sense but obviously we have decided to disagree. I am so sick of hearing about it though and cringe and recoil every time I hear the word fiance. I guess that is my problem not theirs but I was asked to participate in the ceremony and have not figured out a graceful way out of it yet. I will call this one "Airhead", that was all I could associate with this person, full of air and not much else. Though I guess being fat, comfortable and married might just be the thing for her.

More thoughts.... At times I feel so easily hurt and bruised. I do not know why, I am just sensitive to the world I think. I am tired of people for the most part. Sick of war, tired of people fighting and really tired of people dying. It is hard to be surrounded by people who want to try to cure people only to walk out of these doors and see people trying to harm one another. Makes me feel a little sick at time too.

More thoughts.......The reason everything is so crappy in the world right now is because nature is trying to tell us we are messing things up in a big way. I just blame it all on Bush. As I point my finger to the south and say, "He did it, all these hurricanes and natural disasters are all his fault" or maybe it is all a conspiracy, The Illuminati, is behind it all. Tee hee.

More thoughts...........I have a friend that has dated a few women and I have come to the conclusion that he dates the same woman over and over again only in different bodies. He has this pattern of doing pretty much the same things with each woman, i.e. going to the same places that he took the others, doing the same things with each, listening o the same music; OK you get the point. Does it mean that he just really likes doing these things or is he trying to recreate something each time? I do not know why. He is another one that is engaged within a year of meeting this person. Interesting .... I would never want to do that, I never want to be the shadow of the person before me. Yuck. Having shadows lurking around is not my idea of fun. I shall refer to this person as the "Keeper of Shadows". Very spooky is it not. Bwwwaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhaaaaaaahhhhhh

My goodness I would hate to think what people would write about me and what little nicknames I have. I have one that I really love Solnushka, it seems to not be uttered as often as I would like but it does titillate me and gives me the warm fuzzies.

I feel a little off today, you know the feeling you get, when something just seems off? Well, that would be me. I am not sure what the cause of this is but I think it makes me feel very much like there is something going on that I can not put my finger on. Maybe it was the flu shot I had yesterday or the lovely hormone shot that I received this morning, I suppose that could be it but I am not quite sure. Instinct or OCD, I have not decided yet. I suppose if I am to know then it will present itself soon enough.

Shadows

I am the opposite of you
You battle your mean spirit
I'm suffering through my own
You answer to no one
I don’t know what that’s like
I honestly don’t know what that’s like

We quit making out to attend this meeting
With old ladies on tremendous amounts of coke
And reeling, I hear my bad voice call
My wayward brain reels
My easily distracted brain reels

Head full of
Climbing mercury
Climbing mercury
Climbing mercury
Climbing mercury

I am a complement to you
We park in the shade
And somehow equate that with dealing
I hope I don't stomp on your heart
I know what that's like
Believe me, I know what that's like

Head full of
Climbing mercury
Climbing mercury
Climbing mercury
Climbing mercury

Throwing Muses-Mercury

Throwing Muses has been a part of my life for over 17 years. I first encountered them at the age of 18. Throwing Muses have carried me through some of the happiest and saddest parts of my life. The reason I believe is I am a Loon and quite possibly a funny woman; many times these songs as well as Kristin Hersh's solo music make sense to me. They have a tendency to touch me and make me feel that maybe in this universe there are people that are just as crazy and loony as I.

Now I know why
You are the way you are
You’ll see the air
The tactful past

Which is more forgiving
Than these last moments

We are the last of your faithful, well, friends
We love the crash that accompanies epiphany

You don’t have low self esteem
You don’t have any self esteem at all

You float around, don’t touch the ground
What little confidence you had
Is melting away

We are the last of your faithful, well, friends
We love the crash that accompanies epiphany

I refuse to lose control
You do look handsome under wal-mart lights though...

Throwing Muses-Epiphany
The older I become the more I love the music.

Puurrrrrr

XXX

Cold weather, lots of work and limited time

Ahhhh-
Cold weather. Grey and damp. I liked it for about the first two days now I would like some moderate nice autumn weather. I have been busting my little wings at work. Patient calls are long and involved this week. The manuscript I have been helping one of the residents with is finally done. I need like eighteen more cups of coffee just to drag my tired and sore body out of my snug bed enclosed in velvet. Puuurrrrrrrrr. Could I just stay in bed for one day? NO running around just have some sunshine rub my tootsies and ......
Hmmmmmm..........
I need like 4 more hours in the day to accomplish everything I want to do and need to get done. I am not greedy, just 4 more hours, ohhh but now thinking about that they, yes those people, would just find more ways to add more hours to my work day without paying me anymore. Although, working for the state is kind of like being paid to do nothing for some people, not me though, I have plenty to do like blogging, surfing the internet, oopppssss... just kidding. I work really hard and I suppose that is why I am so tired (besides staying up until 11 and getting up at 4).

Enough silliness, Time to go-

Puuurrrrrr

XXX

I know nothing

Information is not knowledge-
Einstein

Yesterday I discovered something that I suppose I was aware of all along but have never really applied to me, myself or I. I am just me, I do not need to be anyone or anything other than that. The people that love me and like me do just because I am who I am. For years, I struggled to be someone, something that other people thought I should be. This is what started this thinking pattern- I was reading a "friends" site yesterday and happened upon a bio. I have known this person for half of my life and must say that I realized that my friend is living in achievements that never happened and the dishonesty and misrepresentation has really upset me. I have questioned, "Do I want this deception in my life when I strive to be only who I am no more no less?" My achievements and failures have made me who I am to this day but they are in the past and though I have learned from them I realize I must move forward with who I am and what I am. The interesting thing is just because you have information does not mean that it is something you can actually understand. It is thrown out like you are aware of what you are speaking when you really have no idea what it really means or how to apply it. I know nothing and so therefore I never can definitively state something when pretty much everything is nothing. I have come to the conclusion that with the misapplied information, misrepresentation, perceptions and realities in which this person dwells I am unable to remain in contact with this person to provide myself with an understanding that this is not the way or path of my life at this time. I would also like to thank this person for providing the realization that the people I am surrounded myself with only care that I am well and doing the things that bring me joy and happiness. These are the people I choose to allow entrance into my life.

Today in 1849

Written by Poe, the second was just days before his death. Where his body in interred now. After being moved a few times.

Every year many people stop to place flowers today and what a rainy, gloomy day it was.

Puuurrrrr

XXX

Edgar Allan Poe

This morning as I walked past Westminster Hall, I realized that we are fast approaching Edgar Allan Poe's expiration date from this world. Flowers, wreaths and various arrangements have been placed by his tombstone. His wife's and mother-in-laws remains are also interred there. I really do find Westminster Hall and it's catacombs quite beautiful and since I am able to walk by it every day it brings a little smile to my face. I love the fact that 158 years after expiring people still preserve the memory of one of my favorite authors. In fact, every year on October 7 someone places a bottle of cognac and three roses on the site. This person is referred to as The Poe Toaster.

The photo are others interred at Westminster Hall, Poes will be posted on Oct 7, 2005.

She wakes, feet on the cold floor, walking in search of....
something....
something...
Hot, sweating, she has forgotten what she was in search of but walks outside into the cool, crisp morning.
Stars and planets bright against the black morning sky.
As she looks up thinking, suddenly awake she remembers that she is searching
and remembers what she thought she had lost really is there and has been all along.
The nightmares and horrible dreams just enforce this theory, idea, concept that those things are just hidden in dark corridors of a dusty mind.

Sometimes...
Sometimes....
maybe it is better to forget.

Pondering

I wonder, ponder, reflect
reflect and ponder some more
thinking, thinking, thinking.......
too much.
obsessing a little
working it out of my system
trying not to think bad thoughts
There is a song by X
I must not think bad thoughts.*
I should listen to that song. It helps me to not think bad thoughts.
Just typing it makes me feel better. See I am not thinking bad thoughts because I must not think bad thoughts.
Better thoughts, need to stop thinking, maybe that will help.
Then the bad thought comes back because most people suck.
Maybe......
I am going to go outside and not think bad thoughts but ponder on some happy ones because you leave me breathless**

Puuuurrrrrr
XXX

*the facts we hate well never meet walking down the road everybody yelling "hurry up, hurry up!" but im waiting for you i must go slow i must not think bad thoughts when is this world coming too both sides are right but both sides murdered i give up why cant they i must not think bad thoughts the civil wars and the uncivilized wars conflagrations leap out of every poor furnace the food cooks poorly and everyone goes hungry from then on its dog eat dog dog eat body & body eat dog i cant go down there i cant understand it im a no good coward & an american too a north american that is not a south of a central or a native american oh i must not think bad thoughts im guilty of murder of innocent men innocent women innocent children thousands of them my planes my guns my money my soul my blood on my hands its all my fault i must not think bad thoughts i must not think bad thoughtsthe facts we hate youll never hear us i hear the radio its finally gonna play new music you know the british invasion but what about the minutemen fleasheaters doa big boys and the black flag were the last american bands to get played on the radio please bring the flag? please bring the flag! glitter-disco-synthesizer night school all the noble savage drum drum drum astronauts go back in time to hang out with the cave people its about time its about space its about some people in the strangest places woody guthrie sang about b-e-e-t-s not b-e-a-t-s i must not think bad thoughts i must not think bad thoughts the facts we hate


**now if you love me please don't tease if i can hold well then let me squeeze my heart goes round & round my love comes tumblin down you leave me ahhhh breathless ahhhh well i shake all over and you know why im sure its love honey it aint no lie cause when you call my name i know i burn like a wooden flame you leave me so breathless ahhhh oooohhhhhh baby your driving me crazy your much too much i can not love you enough its alright hold me tight when you love me love me right come on baby now don't be shy this love was meant for you and i wind rain sleet of snow im gonna getcha wherever you go you leave me so breathless ahhhh ooohhh baby your driving me crazy your much too much i cannot love you enough its alright hold me tight when you love me love me right come on baby now don't be shy this love was meant for you and i wind rain sleet or snow i'm gonna getcha wherever you go you have left me so breathless ahhhh
Breathless-X

Dreams from a lifetime ago sometimes come back to haunt you. Why is it that the dreams and aspirations from so long ago are the hardest to sometimes deal with? I love the dreams that I once had and the fact that I was able to achieve a certain amount of success but I feel I could do so much more with what I have achieved. Lately I feel the urge to do more dancing and I have not quite figured out how to obtain this goal with work and school. I want so much out of life sometimes I can not figure out how to fit it all into a schedule that accommodates everything. I am only one person and can only do so much. I suppose the problem may be solved once we move to Colorado and I have more me time. The wait sometimes is intolerable. I love my work, I love the things I do with the beanstalk but I need to find more time to do the things that I want to do. Something worth pondering I suppose ........

Puuurrrrrrr


XXX