Insignificance

insignificant

adj 1: not large enough to consider or notice [syn: trivial] 2: not worthy of notice [syn: undistinguished] 3: signifying nothing; "insignificant sounds"; "his response...is picayune and unmeaning"- R.B. Pearsall [syn: unmeaning] 4: of little importance or influence or power; of minor status; "a minor, insignificant bureaucrat"; "peanut politicians" [syn: peanut] 5: not important or noteworthy [syn: unimportant]
Worldnet v. 2.0, 2003

It is obvious I am insignificant to some, does this bother me, I suppose but whatever I will survive.

Anyway onto good news I think I may have a name and number for roller derby!!! Yay!! We just need to check the database and make sure it has not been used by anyone else!! Thanks Ruben for the words. That's about it from insignificant me!!!


Puuurrrrrr

XXX

Day One

Tee hee Day 1 of skating and trying to get used to be on 8 wheels. I fell down, now everybody falls down, I fell down three times in 2.5 hours. Skating is fun, I need lots of work but it will happen eventually. LOL. Had a great time with my friend, her lovely husband (who the bean and her friend think is the bestest guy because he has all sorts of anime toys and such) and rolling around the rink. I am not as sore as I thought I would be but next time I just need to maybe skate a bit faster and learn how to crossover in the turns, that is if I can not fall down. All in all I am so happy that my friend found me and that I actually enjoy having intelligent conversations with people that is not about cancer!! Yippeee!!! LOL. Now back to figuring out how to actually apply physics to skating, then I will do what I do everyday, plan to take over the world, bwaaahhhhhaaahhhha, ummm actually I will go clean the house. Puuurrrrr

XXX

I am emotion

So after careful consideration I have decided that I will just let everything be as it should be. I mean the hard part is being so far away from the person that you care about. Sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed and frustrated that is it difficult to wrap my thoughts around anything other than that moment. I find this annoying more than everything else and when I finally calm down realize that I should not say anything until I have fully thought it out. I just want a reaction at times, not eveness, if I wanted that I would have stayed on the awful meds I tried last year. It was awful, the eveness, it was not high, not low just steady and even. I had no imagination, no happiness, nothing just even thoughts. Horrible, I like to think of myself as a passionate person, full of feelings, at times I think it makes me very vunerable. I think it is OK to be vunerable because without it I could love as passionately as I do. Does it cause problems, sure because it causes me to be very emotional but isn't that what makes me who I am. Full of energy, love, sadness, hope, desire; you know feelings, that is why I am who I am. I am a force of nature; with all that it entails.

Gone

Just last night
I was reminded of
just how bad
it had gotten and
just how sick
I had become
but it could change
with this relationship
de-de range
we've all been thru some shit
and if were a thing
I think this things begun
tell me now
what do I have to do
to prove my love to you
special favors come in 31 flavors
were out of mints
pass the life savers
I'm droppin hints
candy for candy-coated tongue
you'd be so good
so very good for me
what do you think
tell me honestly
I'm wait wait wait
w-wait wait
waiting for you to come
tell me now
what do I have to do
to prove my love to you
I'd do anything
I'd do it all
I'd do it all for you
I'd climb a mountain
i'd cross the ocean
I'd do it it all
to prove my love to you

Violent Femmes
Prove My Love

Dull

Well the bean is home and all is good in the house again. Yay!!! Love the bean being safe and sound tucked into her bed.

I wonder if I am dull, it seems at time that what I am saying does not matter, that I am talking it does not matter. Does that mean I am not exciting and intriguing? I think I am very exciting and fun too, so that could not be it. Granted right now I have a cold and my head is all clogged up and my nose all kersniffly but I am still a great person to converse with. Ohh well I guess I am just not as interesting, exciting and fun as others. Ohh, well, maybe I am dull, nope note me I am a force of nature.....

Something I never

knew. If you are not depressed and take an anti-depressant strange things happen to you. I am pretty happy most of the time, I figure I have normal highs and lows as I am not manic. I recently began taking an anti-depressant to help me quit smoking. I have been on the medication for only a few days and it makes me happy. I mean really happy, not just happy but really, really happy.

The bean returns home this afternoon so that makes me even happier, not sure if I can handle all my normal happiness and chemical happiness as well, it makes me just too happy!! Annoyingly happy, is just wrong!!!!

Tee hee

Names and other stuff

So far here are some potential names for the future roller derby ggrrrrrllll(provided by my favorite message board girls)...

Grrrrrr..

Elven Striker
Bolt
Elven Edge
Blade of Light
Fire Fancy Pants
PommelingPixie or
PixieAssault
Miss Fancie's Fury or Miss Fancy Fury Or Fancy Fury.

So far that is what I have got, I am sure a name will come before October. I have 5 months to prepare and get tough. Grrrrrr...

In other news my bean comes home tomorrow. Yay!!!!! I missed her greatly and I hope she is having uber amounts of fun.

I am also sick or something not sure but congestion, runny nose, sore throat, blah... I can not stand a cold, it better hurry up and leave because I have no tolerance for this stuff. Some Sudafed will fix that, I will show those nasty little germs who is the boss.. Bwahahahahahahahaha

Ohhh yeah

Well after a few days of thinking, I pick up skates on Sunday to attempt my first evening of trying to become a roller derby girl. I am not sure but if I can stay upright on the skates, skate fast enough, learn some blocking and such, maybe I will not get hurt too badly. I have started working on names and it will take a bit of time but I think it will be fun!!! Yay!! So please feel free to suggest some names if you feel the urge.

In other news, the bean has now been gone off to camp for three days, I have not seen or talked to her since Monday morning, I am going crazy but I know she is having lots of fun and enjoying a week off from school!! Yay!!

I have started a new medication, hopefully it does what it is supposed to and at the same time it should make me not depressed, not that I was depressed in the first place. Well off I go to work (ponder potential roller derby names) tee hee.....

Little

It is the little joys and things in life that entertain me and make me happy. I suppose maybe that is because I am little, petite, maybe....

I am feeling sparkling, it is Friday, I woke up and I made it into work. It is calm here for the moment, I have a pile of work today and I have coffee, what more could I possibly want at this very moment. It is sunny and clear out of the confines of the hospital, this evening I shall go home, exercise and start packing bags for the beans camping trip. Five whole days and then a three day weekend!!! Yeah, I feel my grey, winter feelings starting to lift and the sunny, spring coming around. It is bliss to have the shadowy thoughts leave my brain and new thoughts starting to seed and sprout. I love the spring and soon it will be nice, warm summer days, going to the pool, having picnics, being outside, yummy!!

*Skipping, and singing Lalalalalalalalalalal, ahhhh spring*

Friends, fears, and mixed emotions

It is interesting how accessible the internet has made it to be found. In the last six months I have been contacted and have contacted people that I have not talked to or seen for years, it is great. One of my oldest and closet friends located me a few days ago and I am very happy to say that she lives close and we have been able to reconnect. Yay!!

So today is Thursday and I should be working as usual there are a million things to do and get done. I find myself in a strange place today, I am happy but over the past few days something has been bothering me, not in a bad way, more like a tugging inside myself, I realized when I came to work here that it was a tough place to be, I have accepted that even though I understand this it does not make it easier at times. I have allowed myself to get close to a patient and I fear that when that patient does not make into the 8% curative population I am going to be devastated to see the progression and decline. I guess I relate to this patient as she is of the same age, has a daughter, a really lovely family and right now seems so optimistic and full of life. She is on an extremely difficult treatment called IL 2 that is very good if it does not kill you. I have been pulling back a bit from her and I feel bad as I know she needs the support and I like her and admire the way she is fighting but at the same time I just know that if/when anything happens I will be very upset. I suppose this is why I could never be a nurse. I also know that I could never justify what a full life is as it varies so much from person to person. Ohhh, well.....

Add to this I am afraid Merlin is declining but it may just be another off week...

I am a mixture of happy and sad all swirled into one....

Funny

Funny how yesterday I was in such a grumpy mood, well maybe not too funny especially for me. I went to work this morning, lost myself for hours in a new trial that needs to be put together, the numbers, the typing, the work. I find it is good when I am in a mood to immerse myself in something to keep my crazy, imaginative, out of this world brain occupied. I like it, it works and now I am chipper and cheerful. It helped that I received a random card that was so pleasant and sweet with a gift certificate enclosed. I am so grateful for the thought and it really made me smile from deep down inside, especially because I was not expecting it. Tonight I am going to relax, exercise for real tomorrow back to my hour long, sweat drenched, move myself until I might just fall down routine, tonight though it will just be pilates.

Have you ever wondered why some people shine so bright while others are just faded and grey. It makes me sad to see people so burnt out and stuck in a place that drains them of their energy. I see no flicker of light at all, they are almost transparent. I am glad that I did not ever let my light go out and that I will shine even on my darkest day. I never want to be transparent, nor shall I ever be that would be boring because no one can ever say I am boring, that is for sure!!!

When the magic returned

When did she forget the magic that was inside herself? Did it just disappear one day covered by her madness of counting numbers and making up realities? She seems to slowly be recovering herself and finding the magic that was buried beneath all those things, that they never really acknowledged. Pulling it and allowing it to start radiating, she is feeling stronger and better again. Regaining her sense of self and allowing others to see and feel her magic. It is good for her and she knows that changes are coming about but instead of fighting these changes she realizes that changes are good and make her stronger. It is time for her to start exploring what is good for her and what she wants. She feels at times that others do not see the worth in her, that they do not want the magic to touch them because they do not see it in the universe. She sees it in the trees, the air, the stars and everything she touches or feels, it is not so for all and she finds herself tired of trying to explain it or fight to share it. So off she goes to play with her magic with the ones who know, singing Tra LaLaLa all the way, smiling and laughing.

Star

This morning I feel like a star. No, not a TV star or anything like that just a plain old twinkle in the sky star. Why do I feel like a star? I am not quite sure, I believe it may be because sometimes I twinkle very lightly and sometimes I am twinkle very brightly, some evenings I am not seen at all because it is all cloudy and some nights I am clear and bright. Light years away and off to the distant, some days it is so hard to explain. That is why I feel like a star. Right now I am lightly sending off light to somewhere and I do not care where it goes it just radiates off of me. So that is how I feel today, check back with me later maybe then I will be a tree, or maybe I am just a bit of everything even the bits and pieces that I am unaware of and can not see.

*Goes off to hum Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star*

Whats up Pussycat???

Hmm, so whats up? Got me, not really sure just tripping and laughing through my day of cancer patients, immunotherapies and new protocols. Never a dull day in the world of oncology!! Yay!!! The sun has returned and brought warmth along with it, went out at lunchtime and I think I may take a little walkity, walk, walk in a few minutes.

I have exercised so much over the past six days I think my legs might be ready to fall off, jeez could I be anymore out of shape, I will make it through though because I am persistent and will not tolerate any less from myself. I must be prepared for the all night walk around a track.

Ohh, I one baseball tickets today as well and we all know how much I love baseball!!! Umm, go baseball team *useless people that make too much money, clog up traffic downtown and have people wandering around getting in my way when I have important things to do besides watching grown men throw balls and hit them with sticks!!!*, I love baseball it is my favorite *snicker* Well at least I won!! Yay, I won!!!!!

I will depart with these words of wisdom from one of my favorite authors:

"Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple."
Dr. Seuss

Puurrrr

Errrrr

Faery festival today, four hours walking through the land, watching the fey, in a corset with thigh highs, wings and boots can we say tiring. Lovely day though, pretty blue and not too hot. I broke my camera though and have no photos yet to post but soon I shall figure it all out, I mean everything and anything and nothing at all.

Changing my outlook is tough at times when faced with technological challenges but after mumbling and grumbling, I decided my perspective needed some changing. I exercised and now I feel better. Crazy how exercise provides an outlet that I have forgotten. It really allows me an hour or two to think of nothing but physical and I am high, high, high when I finish, nothing seems so bad anymore. Ahhhhh, just the distraction I needed. Exercise it is almost as good as Irish whiskey. Almost. Like I actually drink anymore.

I think tonight I shall find some inspiration in the way of viewing some of Dali's work, I can get lost in his art for hours just drift off into it, I love that makes me feel, well, surreal.

Hmmmm, change is good, not sure why I at times resist it, I suppose it is just challenging at times.

Puuurrrrr

He who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead; his eyes are closed.
Albert Einstein

The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science.
Albert Einstein

Happiness

"Attain deliverance in disturbances". Zen Master Kyong Ho

“If you want others to be happy,
practice compassion.
If you want to be happy,
practice compassion.”

The Dalai Lama

“We live in illusion and the appearance of things. There is a reality. We are that reality. When you understand this, you see that you are nothing, and being nothing, you are everything. That is all.”
Kalu Rinpoche

Trying to keep things happy and on a realistic, balanced playing field.

Anxiety

I am anxious, anxious about a ton of things right now. I am finding it hard to concentrate on things and am just feeling like I want to be home. Only two more hours to go before I can leave and find some quiet time in my home. I am a bit worried about Merlin, he seems a bit more lethargic, kind of like he is starting to slow down a bit. I am so off right now I am not sure if I am just looking for things to be anxious about or if I have a reason to feel this way.

Just had a lovely lunch and am feeling full and not really wanting to be sitting in my office. It is a bit lonely today as no one is here, usually I like being here and like the flow of people coming and going but not today. I think I may call in my valium prescription and see if that helps a bit, maybe it will calm me down a bit and I will start to feel like I can breath again. I keep catching myself kind of holding my breath and pulling my shoulders up around my ears. Ouch, tension, hopefully I can go home and relax. Have a nice weekend with the bean. Planning on going to see some bands on Sat. outside and then the flower festival on Sunday. Trying to be busier and find more things that are fun to do to help with the transition and stress associated with not moving. Ahhhhh, breath, just breath....

For my bean

Sometimes I get so caught up in stuff (work, commuting), I forget about the important things in life sometimes. My bean is so full of love, compassion and hope. She is full of life and is the joy, hope and love of my life. Yesterday she decided that I needed to here two new songs she found. The first song is for me she said.
Song 1.
Tell me that you're alright,
Yeah everything is alright.
Oh please tell me that you're alright,
Yeah everything is alright.

Give me a reason to end this discussion,
To break with tradition.
To fold and divide.

Cause I hate the ocean, theme parks and airplanes,
Talking with strangers, waiting in line..
I'm through with these pills that make me sit still.
"Are you feeling fine?"
Yes, I feel just fine.

Tell me that you're alright,
Yeah everything is alright.
Oh please tell me that you're alright,
Yeah everything is alright.

I'm sick of the things I do when I'm nervous
Like cleaning the oven or checking my tires
Or counting the number of tiles in the ceiling..
Head for the hills, the kitchen's on fire!

I used to rely on self-medication,
I guess I still do that from time to time.
But I'm getting better at fighting the future,
"Someday you'll be fine.."
Yes, I'll be just fine.

Tell me that you're alright,
Yeah everything is alright.
Oh please tell me that you're alright,
Yeah everything is alright.

Give me a reason (I don't believe a word)
To end this discussion (of anything I've heard)
To break with tradition (they tell me that it's not so hard)
To fold and divide (it's not so hard)
So let's not get carried (away with everything)
Away with the process (from here to in-between)
of elimination (the long goodbye)
I don't want to waste your time.

Tell me that you're alright,
Yeah everything is alright.
Oh please tell me that you're alright,
Yeah everything is alright.

(Alright)
Tell me that you're alright, (Hi, everything's great)
Yeah everything is alright. (Everything's fine)
Oh please tell me that you're alright, (Hi, everything's great)
Yeah everything is alright.
-Everything Is All Right
-Motion City Soundtrack

The second song is for her she says this is how she feels right now. We had a long conversation last night and she let go a bit of her frustration and anger that she seems to have been holding onto for a bit of time. Sometimes her life gets complicated and confusing also and I do not hear her completely.

Song 2.
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.

She said "Some days I feel like shit,
Some days I wanna quit, and just be normal for a bit,"
I don't understand why you have to always be gone,
I get along but the trips always feel so long,
And, I find myself trying to stay by the phone,
'Cause your voice always helps me to not feel so alone,
But I feel like an idiot, workin' my day around the call,
But when I pick up I don't have much to say,
So, I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin',
Tellin' you that I've had it with you and your career,
Me and the rest of the family here singing "Where'd you go?"

I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone,
Please come back home...

You know the place where you used to live,
Used to barbecue up burgers and ribs,
Used to have a little party every Halloween with candy by the pile,
But now, you only stop by every once and a while,
Shit, I find myself just fillin' my time,
With anything to keep the thought of you from my mind,
I'm doin' fine, I plan to keep it that way,
You can call me if you find that you have something to say,
And I'll tell you, I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin',
Tellin' you that I've had it with you and your career,
Me and the rest of the family here singing "Where'd you go?"

I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone,
Please come back home...

I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', no longer debatin',
Tired of sittin' and hatin' and makin' these excuses,
For why you're not around, and feeling so useless,
It seems one thing has been true all along,
You don't really know what you've got 'til it's gone,
I guess I've had it with you and your career,
When you come back I won't be here and you can sing it...

Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone,
Please come back home...
Please come back home...
Please come back home...
Please come back home...
Please come back home...
-Fort Minor
-Where'd You Go?

So this afternoon I am going to send you a song and hope you find it cool. So bean this is my song to you today. I love you and hope that you are feeling a bit more acclimated and understanding of yourself and the situation you are in. I know it is tough and some days are so hard but no matter what I will always be here for you and will always listen to the words you have to say no matter what type of mood I am in, no matter what just know you can tell me anything.
Your song for today:
When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

High up above or down below
when you're too in love to let it go
but If you never try you'll never know
Just what your worth

Lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears streaming down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears streaming down your face and I

Tears streaming down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face and I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
-Coldplay
-Fix You

This weekend is yours, ours, not about time schedules, cleaning the house, being tired and stuff. Just about you and flowers and games and music and joy.

Tra La La La
Found a bit of happiness today, thanks so much!! Located a bit of me I thought I had lost. Lost and found it is here again that little peice of me that has planted a seed. Inhale, breathing it in and realizing.

Grrrr

So sad, so disappointed, I just want to curl up under my velvet....