The night before

The night before he comes to visit is filled with anticipation. Anticipation of warm hugs, sensual kisses and lovely sighs. I am so excited to have four days to share with him and look forward to his arrival. I am excited ......

People in my day

So today was interesting, this an account of the people in my life and how it effects me. The first people I saw this morning besides my beautiful bean are the people I ride the bus with. They are the same people I see pretty much every morning five days a week. They are pleasant group of people. I like them one of the ladies works down at the University in the nephrology dept. She is quirky but funny like a little elf. The next people I encountered was the ladies that care for my bean in the morning before school. They are older ladies and very sweet! I really liked hearing about their Thanksgiving. The next person in my day was Dr. E, he picked me up right outside the school and gave me a ride to work. He is really great, nice to work for, he made the comment once that I am one of three people that makes his day at work. What a nice compliment! Upon arriving I work I had a chance to catch up with Michelle, Dr E's NP, she is a wonderful, sweet person. Pretty, great personality and an overall a caring person. We then encountered Ruth, the research RN, she is a beautiful person as well, she unfortunately was the bearer of bad news. JK was a nurse that work for Dr. E's research team, a little over a year ago she was diagnosed with cancer. After a long tough battle she finally let go on Thanksgiving morning. The last few months were the most difficult for her and she was in so much pain. I am glad I was able to know her, she was an amazing being and through most of her fight she was so strong and positive. I hope she has found her way to the meadow to play with the fae! Through out the day I interacted with many other people but these are the people that have touched me today and I am thankful and happy that they are moments in my life. While on my way home, reflecting on the moral and ethical issues of assisted suicide for terminally ill people, the bus driver started doing a little dance with his hands, I looked up at him and smiled. In that smile I saw an older black gentleman that had life. His smile lit up the bus and he made me think that it is the little things that people do that make living so worthwhile. A smile, a dance and the jig of life!!

Upon my arrival home my friend Ann called, she stopped by and had coffee. She was very patient and endured listening to a phone call from my father. That my friends is a whole tale in and of itself. Consisting of childhood memories, not the best ones either, and drawn out arguments that make no sense to anyone let alone me. Anyway, I think I have been disowned, at least for the weekend, due to a difference of opinion and being true to myself. I never have understood why someone can not look at themselves and not see what a hypocrite they are. I live a simple life, I have strived to be true to myself and the people that I surround myself with, I have no desire to be around a negative, ugly, angry person that does not want to live outside the life they created. Narrow-minded, stubborn and unable to see any other point of view. I tried to explain certain ideas I have on how my life should be but it was ignored. Eh, oh well.

Speaking to crstfr on the phone and awaiting for Thursday to arrive. I can not wait to see him. I might just burst but that might be messy and then who would clean up the mess? I so love this man and what he offers me sometimes I wonder how he puts up with all the extra poo and still seems to think I am wonderful. I am a force of nature after all, a force of nature that must go dream of sheep to be prepared for all the people in my day tomorrow!

Ahhhh, better

So I woke up this morning and yesterdays despair has disappeared. I am in a great mood. Maybe I just needed some sleep. Today is going to be a lovely day. I received a highlight for a photo on my moblog which made me feel good. My house is almost in order and I shall commence hanging Christmas lights today. I will probably be one of the houses that hangs lights as most my neighbors practice orthodox Judaism. My neighbors are all quite lovely and pleasant and there is basically no crime but I think I might miss the festive lights of the season. I am so very excited for Christmas and hopefully we will have some snow!!! Hard to believe how quickly the year is passing. In seven months we shall be on our way to the new city to which we shall reside. The East coast will be far behind us and we will be heading West! Yeah!!!!

Sometimes

Sometimes I just want to yell and scream
throw my hands up in the air
Just scream "FORGET IT"
all of it
Why do I bother?
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, I hate all of this sometimes!!
Venting, I can not wait until Wednesday.
I think I am having some sort of anxiety attack, not like anyone cares
but me
I think I might call the soul dentist
I just need to talk but no one is around
ahhh, I will call my twin. That might work.
at least she understands
me

Ohhhhh, bad mood

I am in a craptastic mood, why you ask? Well just because. I can not put my finger on it. I feel angry. I had an OK Thanksgiving, food was nice but I think I was not where I wanted to be. I did not want to be in a certain place just with a special someone. It mad me angry that I was not where I wanted to be. It also makes me sad. I want, I want, I want nothing that can be bought, nothing that is seen, I just want. Does that make me greedy? No, I do not think so. I want to be held, coddled at times, snoggled, you get the point! I want to be away from here, not that I do not like here. I have a nice place to live, a lovely daughter, two silly kittens, a great job and a family that drives me insane. Quite literally insane. I have probably one of the most dysfunctional families I have ever seen. I know there are worse families but communication in my family stinks. You can not speak freely without being yelled at or ignored. I do not want to surround myself with these things. The negativity chokes you at all times. I can not breath at all. I feel like I am gasping for air and trying scream what life means but it just gets lost in the echoes of my own head. No one here to listen anyway not that they do even when I speak. Anyway that I guess is why I am in a craptastic mood. All those things rolled up make me anxious and feeling low, insecure and small. I wanted things to be different after all the work I have put into my life, relationships and communications. I know I can not change anyone but if they would just look and realize that I am different and I have worked so hard to make these changes maybe I would feel better. Life moves, today I am just treading water while it flows by me.

Memories

Last week a box was returned to me that I have not seen in about 11 years. Inside I found some wonderful memories. Memories are funny things for me. I concentrate so much on recovering the ones that have been lost to fix me that I think at times I have overlooked the ones that are beautiful and wonderful. In the box were toys of the beans that she played with as a wee lass. Books that she loved when she was about 18 months old, letters received from friends from when I was 20, a painting that was painted for me, pictures of the bean from when she was so little. All in all good memories from a mind that has forgotten so much. The memories come easier now, not as much work to bring them forth but reliving the trauma associated with some is difficult. The beautiful ones made my heart swell and made me very happy. I guess it balances out but I need to remember I suppose that things are not always as bad as they seem and I am becoming a better person because of all of the work that is going into this. It at times seems very dream-like and surreal.

Purrrrrr.

Pain

The left side of my face has decided to swell up again. I look like I have a golf ball hanging off the side of my face. Attractive I know. I am in so much pain, I am waiting for the Dr. to return my call and the minutes are dragging. Stupid bus, stupid ##*&$$**@^$$%^ bus!! Stupid doctor, stupid ###@%%^&*(&&^%##@%^ doctor. All I can say is this stinks!!! Someone give me some pain relief please!!!!!!!!!! It also made me have bad dreams last night. Things I will not go into right now but they sucked so now I am in pain, not well rested, feeling slightly tweaked and having bad thoughts pass through my mind. Arrrgggghhhhhhhhhhh!

Human beings

Human beings are funny creatures. I notice a large majority of folks care little for others except the people in their family or friendships. I have noticed that few people actually care about anything outside of their universe. I meet very few people that ever do any random acts of kindness. I suppose I expect too much from the masses. I know someone who has a family here, he makes good money, has a decent life and I have always respected him because he is just a really caring person in general. I found out earlier this year that beyond this his family owns a successful orchard in a foreign country, the proceeds for this do not go to his family he donates all the proceeds to a village school for supplies, teacher salaries, and building maintenance. This man is someone I like to be around, these are the people I choose to associate with at this point in my life. I want people like this in my life, it inspires me to look beyond the ordinary everyday trials that I have and puts them in perspective. On Friday, I had a patient call me to thank me for everything I had helped him with, the thing that really "got" me is how the little bit of time I spent working on helping this person was not hard. I did what I would want someone to do for me in that situation. Have people gotten so numb that they are unwilling to help regardless of situation. It made me feel good to know that this little thing that I did made this patient so happy and it made my day that this person felt the need to call me and thank me. There are so many important things in life that have so little to do with the focuses that many people seem to have. I want everything that money can not buy me, I want love, laughter, happiness, tears, joy, sorrow, feelings, to help people and health. Money does not provide any of that and I guess that is what is sometimes forgotten. I hope to never forget that and to continue to help in whatever way I can to anyone that needs it. People make mistakes, I have made many, but I have few regrets as I learn more about who I am, what potential I have and what I can do. I have been touched by so many people this past year that I am so happy to have known an so happy that they randomly showed me all the traits that I thought many human beings have lost. I think I shall pass this along and do some random acts of kindness during the week just to return some of what has been given to me!!

Self

I am working on self this week and finding a way to define my self. It should be an interesting project with many facets attached to it. I am trying to figure out the best medium for me to express my[self] in which it is easier to break down some blocks and walls that have been erected inside my head. It is not easy to define self to your[self]. We shall see what comes up and how I cope with seeing my[self] in a different perspective. That's it. All I have right now as work ha been crazy and I am exhausted.

Road Rash

In the road
Yellow lines
Double to single
Face the line
shoe lost, clothes gone
tubes in
flat on the board
dreaming, dreaming of a place
Asphalt peices, lodged in what is left of my face
The mirror always lied to me
I laugh
I cry
over the road rash that scars my
face

Skin

Skin
Streched and taunt
or is it
Taut and tense
There is some flesh left
Blood
Pumping
pulling through
Tubes
Eyes are moving
in
my
head
Skin
Bruised and
Gone

Hoo Hum

Feeling low today, low energy, very tired
basically annoyed all day.
Dropped a directory on my cup of soda today.
ended up with soda all over my desk
my desk had papers all over it
then it had soda and lots of wet papers
thankfully none of the important ones got wet
Finished up a letter of intent I have been trying to get done
for weeks
Many patient issues today.
One of my favorite prostate cancer patients
now has progressed
His wife wanted me to send her the report
She could not tell by my voice if it was good news or bad news
I could not read it and know without telling her so I closed the report
I would not read the report until I spoke to the Dr.
I can not tell her, luckily it is not my job to crush her.
Sad sometimes but I have so much hope and desire to make things the best
that they can be for them for as long as I can
Felling low, tomorrow will be better

Interesting

Came across this photographer that decided to do a two year long project on sex machines and the makers of said devices. I have put a link to his blog, you should check it out it is cool.

http://thesexmachinebook.blogspot.com/


Enjoy!!!

The Child Within

My voice has a quiver.
That's where you store the arrows
Before you shoot

My voice sings deeper than
It speaks. Some people
Hear tears hidden in the words
I say.

I'm not afraid of, say, swarms
Of locust. When I want to weep, I do.
It's no different than pissing.

Some nights I can feel
My voice melting down
In greenish layers, & luminescent
Like a plutonium cough drop.

At times I use my voice
To laugh
In order to prove
I am a man.

Once I whacked out my voice
With a two-by-four
So the fruit would grow
Faster on the plum tree
Beside the house.
I would utter a phrase
Any phrase--it wasn't like a chant,
No ebb nor flow

And when it was about
Two and half feet in front of me
I would swing the wood
And just beat the living crap
Out of whatever I said.

Jim Carroll
Void of Course

I decided it was time to be a redhead again because I thought it would be fun. So I laughed as the sun hit my red, red locks.

She causes Trouble

Trouble
Oh trouble set me free
I have seen your face
And it's too much too much for me

Trouble
Oh trouble can't you see
You're eating my heart away
And there's nothing much left of me

I've drunk your wine
You have made your world mine
So won't you be fair
So won't you be fair

I don't want no more of you
So won't you be kind to me
Just let me go where
I'll have to go there

Trouble
Oh trouble move away
I have seen your face
And it's too much for me today

Trouble
Oh trouble can't you see
You have made me a wreck
Now won't you leave me in my misery

I've seen your eyes
And i can see death's disguise
Hangin' on me
Hangin' on me

I'm beat, i'm torn
Shattered and tossed and worn
Too shocking to see
Too shocking to see

Trouble
Oh trouble move from me
I have paid my debt
Now won't you leave me in my misery

Trouble
Oh trouble please be kind
I don't want no fight
And i haven't got a lot of time

Cat Stevens

Sometimes I am in a mood to start Trouble, not large amounts of Trouble, nothing that would get me in Trouble but Trouble just the same.

I wonder what she would do if I threw out all the useless hurt and pain she has caused by her manipulations and lies. I wonder what she would do if she really understood what she has done to all three of us. I wonder how I would feel if I tried. I am so angry at times but why would I want to cause anyone that pain. I wonder how she would feel about causing me pain, I do not think she would care because until it effects her it does not exist. I am sad, hurt and angry at her and yet still afraid to hurt her feelings because I am better than that. I am dealing with the sins of my mother and she does not even acknowledge that they exist. Pointless to approach her.....Pointless to try to talk about reality with her.... I have decided my mother has lost her mind!

Ok then

Not going to talk about myself on this post. It is boring anyway so here are the topics of the day.

Maryland MTA

Shadow Boy

Let me start with Maryland MTA. MTA recently did a huge overhaul of it's system to make it more reliable, better routes, better schedules, blah, blah, blah. Well the people at MTA must be idiots. They have made the bus system even more of a mess then it was prior to the changes. You are lucky if a bus even shows up now. Let me tell you, the folks that run the administrative offices are something too. You, John Q. Public, are not allowed to have the number to the administrations offices. No one seems to have that number, seems you have to go through the switch board then they send you in great big circles. I am overwhelmingly happy to see my tax dollars and fare going to such great use.

Shadow Boy belongs to many different message boards but it seems he posts all the same things on like six of them. They have not altered in the past 6 months, the same things over and over again, just like his women. I am starting to see a cycle here. Surprising though I thought maybe he had some good points but now realize he is just as much of a shadow of a person. He has officially stopped having any creative thought that might have once been in that head. Could be the amount he smokes up and drinks too, who knows,

Well I am going to talk about myself now, but this is my blog so it is acceptable. Lately I have had some conflicting information, the question is do I follow what could be intuition and figure out a solution or am I just being anxious as I do tend to obsess over things a bit. Hmmm, it is extremely frustrating and tiring trying to figure this all out.

Enough for now

Urrrghhhhhh, Monday

Today is Monday and it really feels like a Monday too. I was about 45 minutes late for work this morning. They really do not say anything to me about being late because I am rarely late at all, but I care. It messes my whole morning up especially when I am trying to accomplish a bunch of things.

The left side of my jaw has swollen up once again. Infection has set in once again, I suppose it could be worse considering the reasons for it swelling up. I really should be quite grateful that I do not have more problems associated with the accident but really it has been almost seven years can we just stop with the mouth things and back stuff already. Had I known that the dental and mouth pain would be so severe I would have told them to replace all my teeth and not rewire them back in. I am really dreading this debris removal, it is going to hurt, I am curious as to what they will find though. The last thing to come out was a piece of glass and it probably will be better than trying to let the stuff work itself out that was painful. Maybe they should just amputate my head . . . .

Work has been crazy busy this morning so at least my Monday is flying by. I must now go check the bus schedule as the MTA has so royally screwed me with the new schedules and route changes. I would love to invite the person who changed all the routes and time tables to ride the bus with me for one day, just one and then maybe they would realize how craptastic their services really are.

Hope everyone else's was better than mine has been so far, at least it is not raining like they said it would, it is beautiful and sunny that is a great thing on this cruddy Monday.

So sad

At work today getting stuff ready for medical records I came across all my grandfathers paperwork. It has made me sad as I miss him. I wish I could have had a little bit of good time with him before he expired. I wish the quality of life at the end had not been so horrible. I know that it was better that it happened sooner than later and as I have said before that 1-2 weeks earlier would have been much better but I do not think I got to say what I needed to say in the end. Ohh well, I suppose it is selfish of me anyway since it was ending not mine. Just a little sad reading through all the notes and such.......
Sniffle, sniffle

Reflections

Can you tell me about yourself
I am partial to life without
How long have you wanted this
How do I say this
I've always wanted this
What are your weaknesses

Where in ten can you see yourself
I remark, "To the tenth without."
How much can you benefit
How do I say it
I always benefit
What are your weaknesses

What are your weaknesses
I won't pass you by

It's autumn, love
You're better for the several of us
You group it and your group it
But it's autumn, love

-Mates of State

Mmmmmm, just listening to Mates of State and working. Love this song, makes me feel wonderful. Still reflecting on various things.

Reflection....... Stem Cell Research- Due to morality and ethical issues the United States is quite far behind in this type of research. This is a sad, sad thing because politics should not be involved in the regulation of science. I believe regulations and codes to protect it's citizens from harm is acceptable but to out right deny funding for something that could save many lives is not in the best interest of the people.

Next reflection ....... Supreme Courts involvement in Oregon's state law on the right to die. I feel that if the Federal government would like to tell the state(s) how to run it's state medical boards and regulate the type of care you receive from physicians then maybe we should have a unified health care plan run by the feds. Until they can offer this to their citizens, lower health care fraud, cut the amount of malpractice suits, etc; then the feds should just stay out of it. Besides I believe that if I am terminal with less than six months to live would like to have that right to decide what is best for me.

I find it disheartening while trying to teach my daughter of the importance of the Constitution and government that the current state of affairs is a complete and total disaster.

Who am I kidding?????? The government wants to tell me how to do everything from the morals I should have to the type of healthcare I receive. Disgusting!!!!!!!

Enough rambling, more work!!!!

Thoughts.....

Over the week I have been thinking.... Yes, I know it is hard to believe. LOL. My sister came down from New York this weekend and I had some interesting conversations regarding my family. All I can say is Colorado seems like a better and better idea everyday. Along with the question is what do I want to do, moving to Colorado will definitely free up some time and so I feel that I need to do something different. For a few years I have been tossing around the idea of learning how to make stained glass pieces. I feel this is something that I would like to do, maybe even more than like. I suppose I will not know until I try and since I am a an employee of the state in which I live, at a rather large educational facility, I am allowed to take classes for free. After reviewing the schedule for classes I have decided that I am submitting my paperwork for the spring semester for stained glass. The materials will run about 200 for the class but I think it is well worth the investment.

So more thoughts turn towards relationships, not mine I might add, I have a friend that has known the significant other for a short period of time. In giving the history of most of the relationships this person has been in, I find it hard to think that this person would even think that marriage is a good idea and try to have me agree that this is best for them. Why not live together for a few years first, why must the marriage be done so quickly. This person is supposedly not religious, so that is not the excuse, but if it is meant to be then this person could wed in two or three years. I think that makes sense but obviously we have decided to disagree. I am so sick of hearing about it though and cringe and recoil every time I hear the word fiance. I guess that is my problem not theirs but I was asked to participate in the ceremony and have not figured out a graceful way out of it yet. I will call this one "Airhead", that was all I could associate with this person, full of air and not much else. Though I guess being fat, comfortable and married might just be the thing for her.

More thoughts.... At times I feel so easily hurt and bruised. I do not know why, I am just sensitive to the world I think. I am tired of people for the most part. Sick of war, tired of people fighting and really tired of people dying. It is hard to be surrounded by people who want to try to cure people only to walk out of these doors and see people trying to harm one another. Makes me feel a little sick at time too.

More thoughts.......The reason everything is so crappy in the world right now is because nature is trying to tell us we are messing things up in a big way. I just blame it all on Bush. As I point my finger to the south and say, "He did it, all these hurricanes and natural disasters are all his fault" or maybe it is all a conspiracy, The Illuminati, is behind it all. Tee hee.

More thoughts...........I have a friend that has dated a few women and I have come to the conclusion that he dates the same woman over and over again only in different bodies. He has this pattern of doing pretty much the same things with each woman, i.e. going to the same places that he took the others, doing the same things with each, listening o the same music; OK you get the point. Does it mean that he just really likes doing these things or is he trying to recreate something each time? I do not know why. He is another one that is engaged within a year of meeting this person. Interesting .... I would never want to do that, I never want to be the shadow of the person before me. Yuck. Having shadows lurking around is not my idea of fun. I shall refer to this person as the "Keeper of Shadows". Very spooky is it not. Bwwwaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhaaaaaaahhhhhh

My goodness I would hate to think what people would write about me and what little nicknames I have. I have one that I really love Solnushka, it seems to not be uttered as often as I would like but it does titillate me and gives me the warm fuzzies.

I feel a little off today, you know the feeling you get, when something just seems off? Well, that would be me. I am not sure what the cause of this is but I think it makes me feel very much like there is something going on that I can not put my finger on. Maybe it was the flu shot I had yesterday or the lovely hormone shot that I received this morning, I suppose that could be it but I am not quite sure. Instinct or OCD, I have not decided yet. I suppose if I am to know then it will present itself soon enough.