Ha

So did you want to hear me bitch and complain, well too bad, I do not have enough energy (mental or physical) right now to do either.

Roller derby is fun, I am skating 4-5 times a week to bring up endurance and strength. This week I am just pissed about pretty much everything, work, family stuff, and a myriad of other issues so derby is keeping me even, well as even as I can be. I just want to hit people, now if I could focus enough during scrimmage and use it to my advantage that would be lovely, as I do not like the penalty box.

Thats it for now...

XXX

It has been a long time

I have been busy with conferences, work, derby, and other stuff and so I have neglected my blog. Ooops....

So here is my recap of the last month or so...

I almost lost my mind briefly, not totally, just a bit seems to have sorted itself out with the assistance of medication, therapy, and just knowing that my mind was going to try and get lost. I love it when that happens and I can function through silly little moments that threaten to make me insane.

Thanksgiving was great, we spent it in New York...sometimes I miss living in New York, I would not want to live in Manhattan but Brooklyn would be OK. Then again who knows where the bean will end up school wise and where I will end up.

Been skating lots, was asked to help the Mason Dixon Roller Vixens out with their expo, it was fun, they are a great group of ladies and I enjoy skating with them. I may try to get up to Wilmington in the next couple of weeks to practice with them as well. Derby has been fun, I am enjoying skating. Yesterday was the Annual Mayors Parade which I skated in last year as well, this year was a bit colder and wet, fun to skate. I liked it, then I went to Edies for a small party with a local artist that crafts jewelry. She bout me a beautiful chainmail necklace with a spider web dangling from it. I love it.

Other then that I attended the NCURA conference learned a ton, stressed out over November deadlines, finished a grant with an hour to spare. Grrr work...

Now if I can just focus and stay on track over the next couple of weeks, things will be great!

Crazy

I am tired of waiting
seems to me that is all I am doing
waiting...

it is frustrating
and I tire of it

and am disappointed
in myself

chasing crazy away
with little blue pills

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I am feeling a bit out of time lately, not sure why...

The Dresden Dolls

girl anachronism

you can tell
from the scars on my arms
and cracks in my hips
and the dents in my car
and the blisters on my lips
that i'm not the carefullest of girls

you can tell
from the glass on the floor
and the strings that're breaking
and i keep on breaking more
and it looks like i am shaking
but it's just the temperature
and then again
if it were any colder i could disengage
if i were any older i could act my age
but i dont think that youd believe me
it's
not
the
way
i'm
meant
to
be
it's just the way the operation made me

and you can tell
from the state of my room
that they let me out too soon
and the pills that i ate
came a couple years too late
and ive got some issues to work through
there i go again
pretending to be you
make-believing
that i have a soul beneath the surface
trying to convince you
it was accidentally on purpose

i am not so serious
this passion is a plagiarism
i might join your century
but only on a rare occasion
i was taken out
before the labor pains set in and now
behold the world's worst accident
i am the girl anachronism

and you can tell
by the red in my eyes
and the bruises on my thighs
and the knots in my hair
and the bathtub full of flies
that i'm not right now at all
there i go again
pretending that i'll fall
don't call the doctors
cause they've seen it all before
they'll say just
let
her
crash
and
burn
she'll learn
the attention just encourages her

and you can tell
from the full-body cast
that i'm sorry that i asked
though you did everything you could
(like any decent person would)
but i might be catching so don't touch
you'll start believeing youre immune to gravity and stuff
don't get me wet
because the bandages will all come off

and you can tell
from the smoke at the stake
that the current state is critical
well it is the little things, for instance:
in the time it takes to break it she can make up ten excuses:
please excuse her for the day, its just the way the medication makes her...

i dont necessarily believe there is a cure for this
so i might join your century but only as a doubtful guest
i was too precarious removed as a caesarian
behold the worlds worst accident
I AM THE GIRL ANACHRONISM



copyright 2002 amanda palmer

Neurological

residual signaling
or are you looking for something inside of me
something you lost, or maybe it was something I lost
I am not sure if it was quite lost or just pushed away
to cope
you are there, I know in dusty corners, waiting...
Can you hear me when my brain screams out trying
to find you, recapture what was lost, not knowing where
it hides, drifting out briefly to touch, a bit here
some there
like fingertips lingering, brushing and caressing
mechanisms of neuronal synaptic communication
into gray matter incorrectly
when will someone
focus
on various aspects of my brain's chemicals,
molecules, or cells
and fix it so I can clean out all the dusty bits
because I also dislike dusty corners

Do over

Technically if you die after saying being run over by a bus and survive does that mean you get a "do over"? I mean really if you survive you should get to decide how old you really are and start right there, right? I only ask because last night while speaking to a friend it was decided even though my date of birth is Sunday my rebirth then technically speaking is in December. Does that mean I am able to celebrate both? Hahahahah....

Last night my one of my favorite movies of all times was on...The Red Shoes. It is a wonderful movie I think everyone should watch it at least once. It is so tragic and no matter how many times I watch it I still cry and sob at the end even though I know what is coming.

Here is a quite from the movie:
Boris Lermontov: Don't forget, a great impression of simplicity can only be achieved by great agony of body and spirit.

Boris Lermontov: You cannot have it both ways. A dancer who relies upon the doubtful comforts of human love can never be a great dancer. Never.

Then Katie came out with her album titled The Red Shoes
The Red Shoes
1993
Oh she move like the diva do
I said Id love to dance like you.
She said just take off my red shoes
Put them on and your dreamll come true
With no words, with no song
You can dance the dream with your body on
And this curve, is your smile
And this cross, is your heart
And this line, is your path

Oh its gonna be the way you always thought it would be
But its gonna be no illusion
Oh its gonna be the way you always dreamt about it
But its gonna be really happening to ya
Really happening to ya
Really happening to ya

Oh the minute I put them on
I knew I had done something wrong
All her gifts for the dance had gone
Its the red shoes, they cant stop dancing, dancing
And this curve, is your smile
And this cross, is your heart
And this line, is your path

Oh its gonna be the way you always thought it would be
But its gonna be no illusion
Oh its gonna be the way you always dreamt about it
But its gonna be really happening to ya

She gotta dance, she gotta dance
And she cant stop till them shoes come off
These shoes do, a kind of voodoo
Theyre gonna make her dance till her legs fall off

Feel your hair come tumbling down
Feel your feet start kissing the ground
Feel your arms are opening out
And see your eyes are lifted to god
With no words, with no song
Im gonna dance the dream
And make the dream come true
Im gonna dance the dream
And make the dream come true

She gotta dance, she gotta dance
And she cant stop till them shoes come off
These shoes do, a kind of voodoo
Theyre gonna make her dance till her legs fall off
Call a doctor, call a priest
Theyre gonna whip her up like a helicopter

Really happening to ya
Really happening to ya

You gotta dance....

Is there a reason why to this day I own so many red shoes? Hmmmm.....

I was on a search, trying to figure out why so many people tolerate me and put up with me after all the crap I have put them through. This is an answer I received from a dear friend, "I have known all along that you are a person full of life and passion, good good qualities but hard to control and harness without having focus. You have and are working so hard to make yourself able to control those aspects and merge them into one person and all the old things do not really matter, being around you has been at the very least interesting and never dull". Can you write me a damn happy song then about the person I am now that does not cause you any angst? I guess thats kind of hard when you write the blues and the fact you got no reason to scribe songs for me anyway... Well, I do not feel dull, just busy and even, still lots of passion and life, feeling kind of sparkly and shiny these days.

Living

Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death.
Anais Nin

Life is truly known only to those who suffer, lose, endure adversity and stumble from defeat to defeat.
Anais Nin

I have worked hard to become who I am over the past few years, the interesting thing is as I work to become the person that I want to be, that person keeps expanding. Ideals, goals, passion, and all the connections I have made, old and new alter and change for the better, open and honest. After leaving the world of fantasy created and believed by myself while living only in my head, I realize that there is so much to experience. I closed out the bad parts and created only good things and running away from all the bad, hiding inside myself so far and ever not realizing the harm to others and myself that it created by being so unbalanced and scared. I never realized how sensitive I am to outside influences, how with all the bad, ugly, and harsh realities there is also empathy, compassion and beauty. Learning this has made me understand and alter my perception of what I am searching for. I am happy to no longer live in a world made up of make believe and craziness. There is enough crazy in the world that my adding to it just feeds illusion. I like expanding and learning it makes me feel comfortable in who I am and keeps me from being routine and stagnant. Fear and anxiety are not a way to live a life, it grew tiresome and hard to "live" in such a state. I am appalled at how I behaved and the overwhelming fallout for my behaviour and its affect on all surrounding me. I can not undo what was done in the past but I can learn and understand from those moments, otherwise what would be the point.