Colorful

My passion comes in many colors, last night I danced for the first time in months. I love to dance and often I am so focused on the pain and anguish it caused me that I forget how good it feels. Passion would not be attainable without the fury of pain, violence and anguish. I accept the pain, the violence and the anguish which is just considering the pleasure and fulfillment the passion provides. I feel like it has been lost for a bit, it clears my minds, and allows the release of all the stress I have been feeling. A collision full of color. Collisions the force and the impact, it pushes right through every bit of me. I embrace it and accept it, grip it and hold it, bask in the color and the sounds the movement makes. Right there, and then pull back just a bit to allow the bliss to be extended, pain and pleasure, passion. Crashing headlong into letting it go....




XXX

Ummmm, I am being pulled in lots of directions lately, work, skating, vacations...everything seems busy but I am feeling a bit anxious as well. So here is the run down on things going on....

Went to my first photo shoot with a bunch of lovely ladies, you can check out the pictures here:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/82185826@N00/

Had a lovely BBQ/swim party for Fourth of July, a little damp but still good friends, good food and a pool.

Planning on my trip to CO in a few weeks so i can pretend to be a mountain girl.

Going to Coney Island on Sat with some friends.

So some fun stuff happening as well as the derby bouts, V Fest, and other fun skating events.... Yay!!!

XXX

Things have been busy

work, derby and life in general. Looking forward to vacation and getting away.

The bean has decided to take up ice skating, two coaches have actually asked her about her interest in trying figure skating, not bad considering she has only skated on ice three times in her life.

I am feeling a bit disappointed as i was supposed to go to Philly tomorrow evening to see Morrissey, yeah i like Morrissey. Unfortunately, it has been postponed and I just found out, so what to do this weekend. DC girls have a bout maybe I will go to that on Sat. night now that I have no plans.

I am slacking, i have a ton of deadlines but no desire to work on a single one....hooo hum.... tralalalalalalalalalalala...well thats it for now

“Strange is our situation here upon earth. Each of us comes for a short visit, not knowing why, yet sometimes seeming to a divine purpose. From the standpoint of daily life, however, there is one thing we do know: That we are here for the sake of others...for the countless unknown souls with whose fate we are connected by a bond of sympathy. Many times a day, I realize how much my outer and inner life is built upon the labors of people, both living and dead, and how earnestly I must exert myself in order to give in return as much as I have received.”
Albert Einstein

Life is strange lately, a good strange, exciting and large...I like it.

XXX

Ummm, last post

was all about being frustrated. i am no longer frustrated and all super excited about derby again. I forget to take the good and let the frustrating stuff go...kind of like work these days. I feel good, have lots of plans over the next few weeks, taking a vacation soon and happy school will be over soon for the bean!! Yay!! I love summertime, warm weather, thunderstorms, swimming pools, hummingbirds, and lots of outside events.
My hummingbird feeder is attracting a couple of hummingbirds, it makes me smile.
We had out first official BBQ at the pool on memorial Day, lots of fun, nothing beats good food, swimming children, and wonderful company.
I love a good thunderstorm, and when it is hot we get lots of them....
I really like walking around without 18 layers of clothes....

Tomorrow is the CV parade should be lots of fun, next weekend is the Hon Fest which should be even more fun, the following weekend is the Bout and the Today show will be there interviewing and filming CCRG, the next weekend is The Dew Tour which hopefully if all the planets align correctly we will be allowed to participate. Whew, plus lots of practices and skating!!!

I am a bit disappointed

I feel a bit disappointed in derby right now, not the team I am working with but the internal strife of the whole league right now. This is a sport, people win and people lose. I understand that no one wants to lose but I feel like in order to get better and increase your skills, you need to play with your team and you need to lose with your team to figure out what mistakes you are making and how to correct them. There is talk of having "star" guest skaters from other teams skating with the teams that are not ranking highly yet to keep the point spreads closer and making the game more exciting for the fans. My problem here is that with only 14 girls on the roster, if you have 1-2 girls coming in the weaker 1-2 skaters on the team will get benched and not be able to play. This is sad to me to see girls who are busting their butts to try and improve, learn to use their strengths, made it onto teams, and then be made to sit on the sidelines during the bouts. It makes me think that the people that suggest this idea have little faith in the freshmeaters on the league. I was so impressed with the teams that had the most freshmeat girls skating on Sunday and the marked improvement those girls had made in four short weeks since the first bout, pulling it together and start working with each other in strategy and looking like a team. It is so early in the season and if they have guest skaters will there ever be room on a team for me or a chance of improving to be bout ready? Will they ever find out what the freshmeaters are capable of improving to the point of being able to play on their own with their respective teams? Will the freshmeaters that get to skate feel like they are better then the alternates and the girls that are benched? Arrrghhhhhh....

It makes me sad to see many people get so upset about losing, this is about fun and working with your league and teams focusing on improving at all levels. When focusing on just winning it loses much of what has drawn so many of us to this sport, the support of friends, personal improvement, working with a group of people, and having some fun while maybe being able to work out some of the every day stress we all encounter daily.

Sleepy

I must be getting too much sleep or waking up too much in the middle of the night because I am tired. I have been retiring early this week and waking later but I am up every 2-3 hours due to poison ivy, then it takes forever to fall back to sleep. I have also been having bizarre dreams, maybe because I am waking so much and have lots of things on my mind. It is strange that during the day I do not seem to have lots on my mind and certainly nothing that correlates with these bizarre dreams but obviously my brain has decided to dredge up some weirdness. *SIGH*

Poison Ivy

Well I did not go out on Friday, I was all ready to go and then decided not to go. The reason is I was feeling slightly itchy, then increasingly itchier, then really, really, itchy, th cause of this discomfort...POISON IVY!!!! I though that I had done everything I could not to come in contact with urushiol which I am extremely allergic to but alas, after showering as soon as digging the hole, after, looking before digging, I now have spots on various spots of my body. It is uncomfortable especially since as soon as clothing comes in contact with the spots is itches like crazy. No need for steriods yet so I think it was a very minor case for me, thank goodness!!!

Mothers Day was quiet and relaxing, just lounged around the house. Sat we went to a outdoor festival at the beans school, was fun for about an hour then we went home and cleaned!!! Yay, the house is mostly clean now.

Missed practice on Sat. as my foot has poison ivy and it is uncomfortable to put shoes on as they rub let alone skates. I will try to attend this evenings practice but we shall see..

Country Night

I have been going out and being social again, it is great fun.

Last weekend we went to see Nekromantix they were fun! Had a great time, met some new people, spent some time with people I am acquainted with, and played pool. This the link to the band http://www.nekromantix.com/disco.html

Tonight is Country Night at the Ottobar, should be a good time and I love drinking to Patsy Cline...David Allan Coe and Hank Williams!

I mean really with lyrics like this how could you go wrong:
Well it was all that I could do to keep from cryin'
Sometimes it seemed so useless to remain
But you don't have to call me darlin' darlin'
You never even call me by my name
You don't have to call me Waylon Jennings
And you don't have to call me Charley Pride
And you don't have to call me Merle Haggard anymore
Even though you're on my figtin' side
And I'll hang around as long as you will let me and I never minded standing in the rain
But you don't have to call me darlin' darlin' you never even call me by my name

Well I've heard my name a few times in your phonebook (hello hello)
And I've seen it on signs where I've played
But the only time I know I'll hear David Allan Coe
Is when Jesus has his final judgement day
So I'll hang around...

(Well a friend of mine named Steve Goodman wrote that song
And he told me it was the perfect country and western song
I wrote him back a letter and told him
It was not the perfect country and western song
Because he hadn't said anything at all about mama
Or trains or trucks or prison or gettin' drunk
Well he sat down and wrote another verse to the song and he sent it to me
And after reading it I realized
That my friend had written the perfect country and western song
And I felt obliged to include it on this album the last verse goes like this here)

Well I was drunk the day my mom got out of prison
And I went to pick her up in the rain
But before I could get to the station in a pickup truck
She got run'd over by a damned old train
And I'll hang around...
David Allan Coe

I think they might have played that on the jukebox at a bar I used to frequent in New York. As a matter of fact I think there was a crazy bar in NY that all they played was country and I think I went there quite a bit, kind of fuzzy on the actual name, I think it was in the East Village though. Hmmmmmm, maybe I will remember it later...I wonder if it still is there.

Puuurrrrrrr

XXX

Cleaning

That is what I am doing this weekend, Spring cleaning, due to the amount of things I have been doing lately I have decided to actually clean the house for real this weekend. I have decided since I was Spring cleaning now is a good time to lay the ghosts to rest and focus on my life now not life in the past, when it is ready to be dealt with the ghosts will tell me, hopefully. I should watch Ghostbusters, tee hee....

I have been busy, roller derby bouts, practices, social aspects of derby, going out with friends, spending time with the bean, enjoying the great outdoors and burying dead rodents. Unfortunately the rodent that belonged to the bean was captured by our hunter kitty Fey. She snatched him right out of the cage with her paw and took off with him in her mouth. The little Hamham tried really hard to get better but passed on Tuesday afternoon. It is hard work burying a Hamham, this was the first experience I have had with having to bury a pet. It was sad, the bean was quite upset but is doing better now.

I have been having lots of fun skating, learning some effective skills for me to get better, and just really enjoying the team I am working with. I am really happy with roller derby right now and having lots of fun plus pushing myself physically which is something I have been lacking for a few years.

I feel happy about many things but one thing I am not happy with is work, gggrrrrrrrr.... The interesting thing is I love my work, I just do not like the politics of the position. The stress is overwhelming and sometimes I just want to knock people over, I need to learn how to harness that aggressiveness for the rink as I need to be more aggressive and engage more. I just feel a bit overwhelmed as we have three major deadlines in the next three weeks and I just do not feel like working, I just want to play.

I guess I should at least attempt to get some work done today.....

XXX

Haunted

I feel sometimes the past seems to hover around me and it seems that "ghosts" come back to haunt me. I think maybe I want some of these people to be in my life, not the same way as in the past but in a way that is healthy which most of these relationships were not. There are obviously some relationships I care not to ever revisit and some people that I hope to never encounter again. I suppose these "ghosts" will never depart and be laid to rest until I resolve my past and the guilt I carry. I sometimes do not even really have a clear defined memory of what transpired or what went wrong but in order to make myself a better I think I should start doing this sooner than later, because I do not like being haunted....



If I walk down this hallway, tonight,
It's too quiet,
So I Pad through the dark
and call you on the phone
Push your old numbers
and let your house ring
til I wake you ghost.
Let him walk down your hallway
it's not this quiet
slide down your receiver
sprint across the wire
follow my number
slide into my hand.


It's the blaze across my nightgown
it's the phone's ring.

I think last night
you were driving circles around me.

I can't drink this coffee
til I put you in my closet
let him shoot me down
let him call me off
I take it from his whisper
you're not that tough.
Your Ghost
Kristin Hersh

Spring Fever...

I got knocked around alot by Frenzy last night, OUCH. That is one tough lady to get around. Skating lots, having fun, and ready for the weekend. I am not in the mood to work much lately but then again who is, I will be happy once Spring hopefully this weekend will resemble that long awaited, anticipated season.

It's spring fever. That is what the name of it is. And when you've got it, you want - oh, you don't quite know what it is you do want, but it just fairly makes your heart ache, you want it so! ~Mark Twain

I

am feeling very good about where I am in certain aspects in my life. I am focusing on the positive side of things as being negative is just too difficult. My shoulder hurts but I will be getting a massage today. The sun is shining at least for now, the air is warmer, and it feels good not to be all huddled up and freezing. Yes, I freeze at anything below 75 degrees Fahrenheit. I do not like my feet or head to be cold and I am tired of wearing big shoes and hats, normally this is not a problem but lately I am just not into it. I also bought the loveliest of spring dresses, in the most hideous color scheme, I would like to wear it without freezing and I as i can not wear it to the place I spend the most time, it must get warm. It is so horrible that it looks stunning on and I look fabulous in this hideous dress. I think about moving to the west coast and then realize most of the places I would like to reside are cold, even my choices on the East coast are cold. bbbbrrrrrrrr, I need someone to make me warm as the kittens are not large enough and not allowed to leave the house. I am skating this afternoon outside, it will be with the lovely Joy Collision, I will probably hurt afterwards but I am so looking forward to it. I like being sore, in some ways it makes me feel good and alive. I am off to try and not stress over the rest of my crazy work day.......

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
Albert Einstein

“All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become.”
Buddha

Crazy

Things have been crazy, the weather is not spring like at all, I am cranky and work is driving me crazy. I am still trying to decide if this position is the right position for me, I really like the work and all the Drs. but I feel like I am not learning the skills required to advance in this position and move forward. I like working on the grants but feel that I can do more with the actual grant, making it more appealing and allowing the agency to be more receptive. I know that politics play a role in the process but a well written, defined grant would make it harder to deny. Luckily I have some great support listening to what I am suggesting and offering to help me further the process, which I am not fully versed in at this point.

Skating is going well, I am very excited!! yay!! I love my team and am learning alot.

This Friday brings the Zombie Art Show, which should be fun and exciting!!! I am getting zombiefied and will be on skates, woo hoo......

People

complain about the silliest things especially when they can not see outside their narrow confines of their life. I mean really little things do not mean much when people are dying, family members are grieving, and people are ill. I am aware that every time I am stressing over silly things that really are not important and insignificant issues that are not worth worrying about, that an event occurs to keep this in my mind so that I realize things are silly. Who cares if that stupid piece of paper does not have a signature on it yet, so what if I look like an idiot, who cares that I was soaked because I did not have an umbrella in the downpour this morning, because you know what, my child is healthy, I am healthy, my family is healthy and even though I may not have the best day and it is full of errors and issues the bottom line is that everything will work out and at the end of the day I am living and here to face another day full of issues and problems. They are my issues and my problems so I will address them and they will be completed......ahh the complexity of life is really very simple...

Owwwwwwww

Pain, it hurts, I want to cry. I really just want someone to stick a nice fat cortisone needle into my back so it will stop. 72 hours of non-stop pain is hard to understand if you never had to endure chronic pain, for the most part I have it under control but today I started with the shaking, nausea, and sweating which means I have reached the most pain I can take without having medication. My scripts will be here soon and I can float around in a fog until it subsides back to a normal rating again. I hate to be broken.......

gggrrrrrrr.....

Ouch

My scapula is killing me as well as my shoulder, it pisses me off. This is the day I am pissed, days like this make me angry at the fucking bus. Stupid fucking bus, messed up my shoulder and the crappy weather is making it really bad. Cold, then warm, then cold and damp, I can barely move. I am going over to the Drs. to get a pain script this afternoon to help get me through a couple of days. I was kind of hoping with all the exercising that I have been doing that this would not happen this year, it actually seems worse, the arnica is not even helping. It hurts and I can not concentrate....grrrrrr....sniffle, sniffle, sniffle.....

Grrrrrrrrr

I have a sniffle, actually a lot of sniffles, nothing else just a drippy nose, no problem right? WRONG!!!!! I know there are restrictions on pseudoephederine which now requires, per the Patriot Act, that I show my ID and do not buy over a certain gram amount so I walk down to the pharmacy to try and purchase a decongestant, specifically one that contains pseudoephederine which I know works and works well. I work in a hospital that does plastic surgery, Oral-Maxillofacial Surgery they need this stuff around, I was also a patient for a micro maxillofacial procedure during my stint as a trauma patient. I ask the girl for some Sudafed, thinking we are a hospital we should of all places have it behind the counter, people are sick here, they may need it, yeah right, what was I thinking? Nope, we do not sell it and I refuse to pay money for a medication that may not be affective such as say, hmmmm, Phenylephrine at the approved doses.http://news.ufl.edu/2006/07/19/decongensant/

Then she tries to sell me medication with extras in it I do not need a cough suppressant or a pain reliever I just need my nose to stop dripping and not fall asleep at my desk because I had to take Benadryl.

Thank you Patriot Act for making effective medications a pain in the butt to get, thank you hospital for not stocking said products due to the fact that the Patriot Act is a pain, jeez but go figure you still sell narcotics and opiates via prescription without checking ID's and verifying personal information, GGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. I have decided that you are all a bunch of silly, ignorant people......

Better

Feeling a bit better, think it may have something to do with skating, seems that when I skate it allows me to forget about the things that are bugging me. I feel better today and it will be nice so I can skate outside lots and we have practice on Sunday too!! Yay!! I am uber excited.

Confusion

"I believe that the moment is near when by a procedure of active paranoiac thought, it will be possible to systematize confusion and contribute to the total discrediting of the world of reality."
Salvidor Dali

Grrrrrrr.... WHAT TO DO???!!!??? I understand to initiate change you must be able to endure discomfort until things come to a resolution therefore I am in a state of utter confusion driven by being uncomfortable and hence need to skate harder tonight then usual, I believe that it will help put perspective on many things bouncing around inside my head, maybe if I am hit hard enough it will knock some thoughts into the place they belong.