Today

I realized how really great the life I have worked so hard for is...you know sometimes I forget and feel tired, run-down and listless...then BOOM, something occurs, or is remembered, or happens. This morning on my way out of my office there was a lady in a wheelchair, when we arrived finally departed the elevator into the lobby she says, "Outside, thank goodness". I remember that feeling very vividly upon my late evening departure after being in shock trauma for all of about 28 hours, not that I remember most of it, but the bits and pieces I do remember are vivid and in surreal technocolor. I remember arguing with the DR. about leaving ama, I remember fighting to get dressed, I remember vomiting due to the amount of MRI/CT scans being performed, and now I remember the feeling of being wheeled outside at 10 or 11 at night into the cold, dark night. I had no coat as they destroyed the black vintage sheared lambswool jacket and everything else I was wearing while removing these items from my body during the initial stages of trauma care in the middle of the street in Annapolis. This memory returned is so vivid, I can feel the goosebumps on my skin, the feeling of the air against my beat up, bruised skin, the feeling of being alive...that is the biggest high I have ever felt, it carried me through for years and you know now that I recall that feeling it makes me feel high and happy just thinking about it. Regardless of when things seem very stressful and irritating, my life is still pretty damn nice and I am happy to be alive.

So here is a Katie song that I love, been listening to this album since my sister brought it home when I was 12, never realized it would be so significant to me and my life at every junction...

Just as we hit the green,
I've never been so happy to be alive.
Only seven miles behind
You could smell the child,
The smell of the front line's survival.

With my silver Buddha
And my silver bullet,
(I pull the pin.)

You learn to ride the Earth,
When you're living on your belly and the enemy are city-births.
Who need radar? We use scent.
They stink of the west, stink of sweat.
Stink of cologne and baccy, and all their Yankee hash.

With my silver Buddha
And my silver bullet,
(I'm pulling on the pin,)
Ooh, I pull out, pull out the pin.
(pulling on the pin, oh...)

Just one thing in it:
Me or him.
Just one thing in it:
Me or him.
And I love life!
Just one thing in it:
Me or him.
And I love life!
I love life!
I love life!

I've seen the coat for me.
I'll track him 'til he drops,
Then I'll pop him one he won't see.
He's big and pink, and not like me.
He sees no light.
He sees no reason for the fighting

With my silver Buddha
And my silver bullet.
(I'm pulling on the pin,)
Ooh, I pull out, pull out the pin.
(pulling on the pin, oh...)

I had not seen his face,
'til I'm only feet away
Unbeknown to my prey.
I look in American eyes.
I see little life,
See little wife.
He's striking violence up in me.

With my silver Buddha
And my silver bullet.

Just one thing in it:
Me or him.
Just one thing in it:
Me or him.
And I love life!
Just one thing in it:
Me or him.
And I love life!
I love life!
I love life!

Just one thing in it:
Me or him.
And I love life!
Just one thing in it:
Me or him.
And I love life!
Just one thing in it:
Me or him.
And I love life!
I love life!
I love life!

Katie Bush
1982
Pull out the pin
The Dreaming

Haunted

I feel sometimes the past seems to hover around me and it seems that "ghosts" come back to haunt me. I think maybe I want some of these people to be in my life, not the same way as in the past but in a way that is healthy which most of these relationships were not. There are obviously some relationships I care not to ever revisit and some people that I hope to never encounter again. I suppose these "ghosts" will never depart and be laid to rest until I resolve my past and the guilt I carry. I sometimes do not even really have a clear defined memory of what transpired or what went wrong but in order to make myself a better I think I should start doing this sooner than later, because I do not like being haunted....



If I walk down this hallway, tonight,
It's too quiet,
So I Pad through the dark
and call you on the phone
Push your old numbers
and let your house ring
til I wake you ghost.
Let him walk down your hallway
it's not this quiet
slide down your receiver
sprint across the wire
follow my number
slide into my hand.


It's the blaze across my nightgown
it's the phone's ring.

I think last night
you were driving circles around me.

I can't drink this coffee
til I put you in my closet
let him shoot me down
let him call me off
I take it from his whisper
you're not that tough.
Your Ghost
Kristin Hersh