Living

Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death.
Anais Nin

Life is truly known only to those who suffer, lose, endure adversity and stumble from defeat to defeat.
Anais Nin

I have worked hard to become who I am over the past few years, the interesting thing is as I work to become the person that I want to be, that person keeps expanding. Ideals, goals, passion, and all the connections I have made, old and new alter and change for the better, open and honest. After leaving the world of fantasy created and believed by myself while living only in my head, I realize that there is so much to experience. I closed out the bad parts and created only good things and running away from all the bad, hiding inside myself so far and ever not realizing the harm to others and myself that it created by being so unbalanced and scared. I never realized how sensitive I am to outside influences, how with all the bad, ugly, and harsh realities there is also empathy, compassion and beauty. Learning this has made me understand and alter my perception of what I am searching for. I am happy to no longer live in a world made up of make believe and craziness. There is enough crazy in the world that my adding to it just feeds illusion. I like expanding and learning it makes me feel comfortable in who I am and keeps me from being routine and stagnant. Fear and anxiety are not a way to live a life, it grew tiresome and hard to "live" in such a state. I am appalled at how I behaved and the overwhelming fallout for my behaviour and its affect on all surrounding me. I can not undo what was done in the past but I can learn and understand from those moments, otherwise what would be the point.

I

am feeling very good about where I am in certain aspects in my life. I am focusing on the positive side of things as being negative is just too difficult. My shoulder hurts but I will be getting a massage today. The sun is shining at least for now, the air is warmer, and it feels good not to be all huddled up and freezing. Yes, I freeze at anything below 75 degrees Fahrenheit. I do not like my feet or head to be cold and I am tired of wearing big shoes and hats, normally this is not a problem but lately I am just not into it. I also bought the loveliest of spring dresses, in the most hideous color scheme, I would like to wear it without freezing and I as i can not wear it to the place I spend the most time, it must get warm. It is so horrible that it looks stunning on and I look fabulous in this hideous dress. I think about moving to the west coast and then realize most of the places I would like to reside are cold, even my choices on the East coast are cold. bbbbrrrrrrrr, I need someone to make me warm as the kittens are not large enough and not allowed to leave the house. I am skating this afternoon outside, it will be with the lovely Joy Collision, I will probably hurt afterwards but I am so looking forward to it. I like being sore, in some ways it makes me feel good and alive. I am off to try and not stress over the rest of my crazy work day.......

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
Albert Einstein

“All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become.”
Buddha

Could not say it better

I love
Jacques-Bernard Brunius (1944)

I love sliding I love upsetting everything
I love coming in I love sighing
I love taming the furtive manes of hair
I love hot I love tenuous
I love supple I love infernal
I love sugared but elastic the curtain of springs turning to glass
I love pearl I love skin
I love tempest I love pupil
I love benevolent seal long-distance swimmer
I love oval I love struggling
I love shining I love breaking
I love the smoking spark silk vanilla mouth to mouth
I love blue I love known—knowing
I love lazy I love spherical
I love liquid beating drum sun if it wavers
I love to the left I love in the fire
I love because I love at the edges
I love forever many times Just one
I love freely I love especially
I love separately I love scandalously
I love similarly obscurely uniquely
HOPINGLY
I love I shall love

mmmmmmmm.......

I am a Mod (kind of)

Wooohooooo, I made it onto the Mobtown Mods mentoring team where the lovely ladies of the Mobtown Mods will refine and hone my derby skills. I am sooo excited, one of the girls that made team pick called to say she was sorry that I did not make a team, what, what?!?!?! Sorry, hell no I would rather be on a mentor team of a team that I really want to be on than a team with girls I do not really know!! Now I will be able to spend my time with the best, most outgoing, make-out queens of the derby world!!! Yay!!! Mobtown Mods, thanks for picking me for your mentoring team cause you ladies are the best!!!! Ohhh, and next draft pick me first!!!!