It has been a long time

I have been busy with conferences, work, derby, and other stuff and so I have neglected my blog. Ooops....

So here is my recap of the last month or so...

I almost lost my mind briefly, not totally, just a bit seems to have sorted itself out with the assistance of medication, therapy, and just knowing that my mind was going to try and get lost. I love it when that happens and I can function through silly little moments that threaten to make me insane.

Thanksgiving was great, we spent it in New York...sometimes I miss living in New York, I would not want to live in Manhattan but Brooklyn would be OK. Then again who knows where the bean will end up school wise and where I will end up.

Been skating lots, was asked to help the Mason Dixon Roller Vixens out with their expo, it was fun, they are a great group of ladies and I enjoy skating with them. I may try to get up to Wilmington in the next couple of weeks to practice with them as well. Derby has been fun, I am enjoying skating. Yesterday was the Annual Mayors Parade which I skated in last year as well, this year was a bit colder and wet, fun to skate. I liked it, then I went to Edies for a small party with a local artist that crafts jewelry. She bout me a beautiful chainmail necklace with a spider web dangling from it. I love it.

Other then that I attended the NCURA conference learned a ton, stressed out over November deadlines, finished a grant with an hour to spare. Grrr work...

Now if I can just focus and stay on track over the next couple of weeks, things will be great!

Crazy

I am tired of waiting
seems to me that is all I am doing
waiting...

it is frustrating
and I tire of it

and am disappointed
in myself

chasing crazy away
with little blue pills

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I am feeling a bit out of time lately, not sure why...

The Dresden Dolls

girl anachronism

you can tell
from the scars on my arms
and cracks in my hips
and the dents in my car
and the blisters on my lips
that i'm not the carefullest of girls

you can tell
from the glass on the floor
and the strings that're breaking
and i keep on breaking more
and it looks like i am shaking
but it's just the temperature
and then again
if it were any colder i could disengage
if i were any older i could act my age
but i dont think that youd believe me
it's
not
the
way
i'm
meant
to
be
it's just the way the operation made me

and you can tell
from the state of my room
that they let me out too soon
and the pills that i ate
came a couple years too late
and ive got some issues to work through
there i go again
pretending to be you
make-believing
that i have a soul beneath the surface
trying to convince you
it was accidentally on purpose

i am not so serious
this passion is a plagiarism
i might join your century
but only on a rare occasion
i was taken out
before the labor pains set in and now
behold the world's worst accident
i am the girl anachronism

and you can tell
by the red in my eyes
and the bruises on my thighs
and the knots in my hair
and the bathtub full of flies
that i'm not right now at all
there i go again
pretending that i'll fall
don't call the doctors
cause they've seen it all before
they'll say just
let
her
crash
and
burn
she'll learn
the attention just encourages her

and you can tell
from the full-body cast
that i'm sorry that i asked
though you did everything you could
(like any decent person would)
but i might be catching so don't touch
you'll start believeing youre immune to gravity and stuff
don't get me wet
because the bandages will all come off

and you can tell
from the smoke at the stake
that the current state is critical
well it is the little things, for instance:
in the time it takes to break it she can make up ten excuses:
please excuse her for the day, its just the way the medication makes her...

i dont necessarily believe there is a cure for this
so i might join your century but only as a doubtful guest
i was too precarious removed as a caesarian
behold the worlds worst accident
I AM THE GIRL ANACHRONISM



copyright 2002 amanda palmer

Neurological

residual signaling
or are you looking for something inside of me
something you lost, or maybe it was something I lost
I am not sure if it was quite lost or just pushed away
to cope
you are there, I know in dusty corners, waiting...
Can you hear me when my brain screams out trying
to find you, recapture what was lost, not knowing where
it hides, drifting out briefly to touch, a bit here
some there
like fingertips lingering, brushing and caressing
mechanisms of neuronal synaptic communication
into gray matter incorrectly
when will someone
focus
on various aspects of my brain's chemicals,
molecules, or cells
and fix it so I can clean out all the dusty bits
because I also dislike dusty corners

Do over

Technically if you die after saying being run over by a bus and survive does that mean you get a "do over"? I mean really if you survive you should get to decide how old you really are and start right there, right? I only ask because last night while speaking to a friend it was decided even though my date of birth is Sunday my rebirth then technically speaking is in December. Does that mean I am able to celebrate both? Hahahahah....

Last night my one of my favorite movies of all times was on...The Red Shoes. It is a wonderful movie I think everyone should watch it at least once. It is so tragic and no matter how many times I watch it I still cry and sob at the end even though I know what is coming.

Here is a quite from the movie:
Boris Lermontov: Don't forget, a great impression of simplicity can only be achieved by great agony of body and spirit.

Boris Lermontov: You cannot have it both ways. A dancer who relies upon the doubtful comforts of human love can never be a great dancer. Never.

Then Katie came out with her album titled The Red Shoes
The Red Shoes
1993
Oh she move like the diva do
I said Id love to dance like you.
She said just take off my red shoes
Put them on and your dreamll come true
With no words, with no song
You can dance the dream with your body on
And this curve, is your smile
And this cross, is your heart
And this line, is your path

Oh its gonna be the way you always thought it would be
But its gonna be no illusion
Oh its gonna be the way you always dreamt about it
But its gonna be really happening to ya
Really happening to ya
Really happening to ya

Oh the minute I put them on
I knew I had done something wrong
All her gifts for the dance had gone
Its the red shoes, they cant stop dancing, dancing
And this curve, is your smile
And this cross, is your heart
And this line, is your path

Oh its gonna be the way you always thought it would be
But its gonna be no illusion
Oh its gonna be the way you always dreamt about it
But its gonna be really happening to ya

She gotta dance, she gotta dance
And she cant stop till them shoes come off
These shoes do, a kind of voodoo
Theyre gonna make her dance till her legs fall off

Feel your hair come tumbling down
Feel your feet start kissing the ground
Feel your arms are opening out
And see your eyes are lifted to god
With no words, with no song
Im gonna dance the dream
And make the dream come true
Im gonna dance the dream
And make the dream come true

She gotta dance, she gotta dance
And she cant stop till them shoes come off
These shoes do, a kind of voodoo
Theyre gonna make her dance till her legs fall off
Call a doctor, call a priest
Theyre gonna whip her up like a helicopter

Really happening to ya
Really happening to ya

You gotta dance....

Is there a reason why to this day I own so many red shoes? Hmmmm.....

I was on a search, trying to figure out why so many people tolerate me and put up with me after all the crap I have put them through. This is an answer I received from a dear friend, "I have known all along that you are a person full of life and passion, good good qualities but hard to control and harness without having focus. You have and are working so hard to make yourself able to control those aspects and merge them into one person and all the old things do not really matter, being around you has been at the very least interesting and never dull". Can you write me a damn happy song then about the person I am now that does not cause you any angst? I guess thats kind of hard when you write the blues and the fact you got no reason to scribe songs for me anyway... Well, I do not feel dull, just busy and even, still lots of passion and life, feeling kind of sparkly and shiny these days.

Living

Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death.
Anais Nin

Life is truly known only to those who suffer, lose, endure adversity and stumble from defeat to defeat.
Anais Nin

I have worked hard to become who I am over the past few years, the interesting thing is as I work to become the person that I want to be, that person keeps expanding. Ideals, goals, passion, and all the connections I have made, old and new alter and change for the better, open and honest. After leaving the world of fantasy created and believed by myself while living only in my head, I realize that there is so much to experience. I closed out the bad parts and created only good things and running away from all the bad, hiding inside myself so far and ever not realizing the harm to others and myself that it created by being so unbalanced and scared. I never realized how sensitive I am to outside influences, how with all the bad, ugly, and harsh realities there is also empathy, compassion and beauty. Learning this has made me understand and alter my perception of what I am searching for. I am happy to no longer live in a world made up of make believe and craziness. There is enough crazy in the world that my adding to it just feeds illusion. I like expanding and learning it makes me feel comfortable in who I am and keeps me from being routine and stagnant. Fear and anxiety are not a way to live a life, it grew tiresome and hard to "live" in such a state. I am appalled at how I behaved and the overwhelming fallout for my behaviour and its affect on all surrounding me. I can not undo what was done in the past but I can learn and understand from those moments, otherwise what would be the point.

Today

I realized how really great the life I have worked so hard for is...you know sometimes I forget and feel tired, run-down and listless...then BOOM, something occurs, or is remembered, or happens. This morning on my way out of my office there was a lady in a wheelchair, when we arrived finally departed the elevator into the lobby she says, "Outside, thank goodness". I remember that feeling very vividly upon my late evening departure after being in shock trauma for all of about 28 hours, not that I remember most of it, but the bits and pieces I do remember are vivid and in surreal technocolor. I remember arguing with the DR. about leaving ama, I remember fighting to get dressed, I remember vomiting due to the amount of MRI/CT scans being performed, and now I remember the feeling of being wheeled outside at 10 or 11 at night into the cold, dark night. I had no coat as they destroyed the black vintage sheared lambswool jacket and everything else I was wearing while removing these items from my body during the initial stages of trauma care in the middle of the street in Annapolis. This memory returned is so vivid, I can feel the goosebumps on my skin, the feeling of the air against my beat up, bruised skin, the feeling of being alive...that is the biggest high I have ever felt, it carried me through for years and you know now that I recall that feeling it makes me feel high and happy just thinking about it. Regardless of when things seem very stressful and irritating, my life is still pretty damn nice and I am happy to be alive.

So here is a Katie song that I love, been listening to this album since my sister brought it home when I was 12, never realized it would be so significant to me and my life at every junction...

Just as we hit the green,
I've never been so happy to be alive.
Only seven miles behind
You could smell the child,
The smell of the front line's survival.

With my silver Buddha
And my silver bullet,
(I pull the pin.)

You learn to ride the Earth,
When you're living on your belly and the enemy are city-births.
Who need radar? We use scent.
They stink of the west, stink of sweat.
Stink of cologne and baccy, and all their Yankee hash.

With my silver Buddha
And my silver bullet,
(I'm pulling on the pin,)
Ooh, I pull out, pull out the pin.
(pulling on the pin, oh...)

Just one thing in it:
Me or him.
Just one thing in it:
Me or him.
And I love life!
Just one thing in it:
Me or him.
And I love life!
I love life!
I love life!

I've seen the coat for me.
I'll track him 'til he drops,
Then I'll pop him one he won't see.
He's big and pink, and not like me.
He sees no light.
He sees no reason for the fighting

With my silver Buddha
And my silver bullet.
(I'm pulling on the pin,)
Ooh, I pull out, pull out the pin.
(pulling on the pin, oh...)

I had not seen his face,
'til I'm only feet away
Unbeknown to my prey.
I look in American eyes.
I see little life,
See little wife.
He's striking violence up in me.

With my silver Buddha
And my silver bullet.

Just one thing in it:
Me or him.
Just one thing in it:
Me or him.
And I love life!
Just one thing in it:
Me or him.
And I love life!
I love life!
I love life!

Just one thing in it:
Me or him.
And I love life!
Just one thing in it:
Me or him.
And I love life!
Just one thing in it:
Me or him.
And I love life!
I love life!
I love life!

Katie Bush
1982
Pull out the pin
The Dreaming

Whats going on?

Work has been a bit hectic, lots of deadlines, lots of grants, and lots of all the institutional bs that goes along with people trying to get funded and do research. Many cuts due to lack of funding about 76% of requested funding on research rating in the top 11% nationally are being funded, kind of sad, but what can you do when your federal monies are supporting wars...guess health is really not that important.

Trying to get ready for the beans last year of middle school and I suppose we will be filling out high school applications, if everything goes as planned though we will not be here and so we will also have to look at schools in Oregon. She is excited to start 8th grade and hopefully will continue doing her best, she is smart.

So, thinking of Portland, OR is our next destination, Baltimore while interesting is not really the place for a teenager or at this point for her cool mom, plus they have an awesome derby league.

Derby is going well, I am getting better, though there is still lots of room for improvement but I finally feel like I am getting more competitive and skilled. I am working really hard and it is nice to feel like it is starting to pay off. Who knew skating around hitting people and trying not to get knocked over was so hard. I really am starting to enjoy the strategy of the game, knowing what I am doing in the pack, it is fun. I also am so lucky to be associated with the Junkyard Dolls, they are the best group of ladies.

So here some pictures from the last few weeks...


This is what happens when betty beatdowns ass hits the asphalt a couple of times in the same place at Virgin Fest.



This is Harlotte and Meanie Me, as you can tell Meanie Me does not like photos...

I will post more later...

XXX

Hot, hot, and hot

After a week of little sleep and lots of shirt making the V Fest arrived. I had a great time even though it was hot, the track was inclined asphalt. I was so happy that on Sunday it had cooled down a bit and I was able to enjoy some the music. I was able to catch part of the Beastie Boys and Amy Winehouse (Needs to go to Rehab, YES, YES, YES) on Sat. It was long, hot and some fun but I was totally drained as all my energy was used up by sweating a lot.

Sunday I was introduced to CSS (Cansei de Ser Sexy), they really kicked my day off right, fun and energetic. I then had some fun scrimmages, then went off to catch Bad Brains, who were incredible. We all felt a little special when the Wu Tang Clan started chanting our derby teams name for the day (Poon Tang Clan) and we started off skating to them until we were totally rained out (incline+outdoor wheels+asphalt=many derby girls slipping and sliding). I was then able to catch the end of Velvet Revolver, did not get to hear much of that set so i can not really comment. Then it was time to watch the Smashing Pumpkins (Yay!!!) and a bit of 311 in the rain. It was two long, hot days of derby, music, sweating and being disgustingly dirty which made it all that much more fun.

XXX

Colorful

My passion comes in many colors, last night I danced for the first time in months. I love to dance and often I am so focused on the pain and anguish it caused me that I forget how good it feels. Passion would not be attainable without the fury of pain, violence and anguish. I accept the pain, the violence and the anguish which is just considering the pleasure and fulfillment the passion provides. I feel like it has been lost for a bit, it clears my minds, and allows the release of all the stress I have been feeling. A collision full of color. Collisions the force and the impact, it pushes right through every bit of me. I embrace it and accept it, grip it and hold it, bask in the color and the sounds the movement makes. Right there, and then pull back just a bit to allow the bliss to be extended, pain and pleasure, passion. Crashing headlong into letting it go....




XXX

Ummmm, I am being pulled in lots of directions lately, work, skating, vacations...everything seems busy but I am feeling a bit anxious as well. So here is the run down on things going on....

Went to my first photo shoot with a bunch of lovely ladies, you can check out the pictures here:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/82185826@N00/

Had a lovely BBQ/swim party for Fourth of July, a little damp but still good friends, good food and a pool.

Planning on my trip to CO in a few weeks so i can pretend to be a mountain girl.

Going to Coney Island on Sat with some friends.

So some fun stuff happening as well as the derby bouts, V Fest, and other fun skating events.... Yay!!!

XXX

Things have been busy

work, derby and life in general. Looking forward to vacation and getting away.

The bean has decided to take up ice skating, two coaches have actually asked her about her interest in trying figure skating, not bad considering she has only skated on ice three times in her life.

I am feeling a bit disappointed as i was supposed to go to Philly tomorrow evening to see Morrissey, yeah i like Morrissey. Unfortunately, it has been postponed and I just found out, so what to do this weekend. DC girls have a bout maybe I will go to that on Sat. night now that I have no plans.

I am slacking, i have a ton of deadlines but no desire to work on a single one....hooo hum.... tralalalalalalalalalalala...well thats it for now

“Strange is our situation here upon earth. Each of us comes for a short visit, not knowing why, yet sometimes seeming to a divine purpose. From the standpoint of daily life, however, there is one thing we do know: That we are here for the sake of others...for the countless unknown souls with whose fate we are connected by a bond of sympathy. Many times a day, I realize how much my outer and inner life is built upon the labors of people, both living and dead, and how earnestly I must exert myself in order to give in return as much as I have received.”
Albert Einstein

Life is strange lately, a good strange, exciting and large...I like it.

XXX

Ummm, last post

was all about being frustrated. i am no longer frustrated and all super excited about derby again. I forget to take the good and let the frustrating stuff go...kind of like work these days. I feel good, have lots of plans over the next few weeks, taking a vacation soon and happy school will be over soon for the bean!! Yay!! I love summertime, warm weather, thunderstorms, swimming pools, hummingbirds, and lots of outside events.
My hummingbird feeder is attracting a couple of hummingbirds, it makes me smile.
We had out first official BBQ at the pool on memorial Day, lots of fun, nothing beats good food, swimming children, and wonderful company.
I love a good thunderstorm, and when it is hot we get lots of them....
I really like walking around without 18 layers of clothes....

Tomorrow is the CV parade should be lots of fun, next weekend is the Hon Fest which should be even more fun, the following weekend is the Bout and the Today show will be there interviewing and filming CCRG, the next weekend is The Dew Tour which hopefully if all the planets align correctly we will be allowed to participate. Whew, plus lots of practices and skating!!!

I am a bit disappointed

I feel a bit disappointed in derby right now, not the team I am working with but the internal strife of the whole league right now. This is a sport, people win and people lose. I understand that no one wants to lose but I feel like in order to get better and increase your skills, you need to play with your team and you need to lose with your team to figure out what mistakes you are making and how to correct them. There is talk of having "star" guest skaters from other teams skating with the teams that are not ranking highly yet to keep the point spreads closer and making the game more exciting for the fans. My problem here is that with only 14 girls on the roster, if you have 1-2 girls coming in the weaker 1-2 skaters on the team will get benched and not be able to play. This is sad to me to see girls who are busting their butts to try and improve, learn to use their strengths, made it onto teams, and then be made to sit on the sidelines during the bouts. It makes me think that the people that suggest this idea have little faith in the freshmeaters on the league. I was so impressed with the teams that had the most freshmeat girls skating on Sunday and the marked improvement those girls had made in four short weeks since the first bout, pulling it together and start working with each other in strategy and looking like a team. It is so early in the season and if they have guest skaters will there ever be room on a team for me or a chance of improving to be bout ready? Will they ever find out what the freshmeaters are capable of improving to the point of being able to play on their own with their respective teams? Will the freshmeaters that get to skate feel like they are better then the alternates and the girls that are benched? Arrrghhhhhh....

It makes me sad to see many people get so upset about losing, this is about fun and working with your league and teams focusing on improving at all levels. When focusing on just winning it loses much of what has drawn so many of us to this sport, the support of friends, personal improvement, working with a group of people, and having some fun while maybe being able to work out some of the every day stress we all encounter daily.

Sleepy

I must be getting too much sleep or waking up too much in the middle of the night because I am tired. I have been retiring early this week and waking later but I am up every 2-3 hours due to poison ivy, then it takes forever to fall back to sleep. I have also been having bizarre dreams, maybe because I am waking so much and have lots of things on my mind. It is strange that during the day I do not seem to have lots on my mind and certainly nothing that correlates with these bizarre dreams but obviously my brain has decided to dredge up some weirdness. *SIGH*

Poison Ivy

Well I did not go out on Friday, I was all ready to go and then decided not to go. The reason is I was feeling slightly itchy, then increasingly itchier, then really, really, itchy, th cause of this discomfort...POISON IVY!!!! I though that I had done everything I could not to come in contact with urushiol which I am extremely allergic to but alas, after showering as soon as digging the hole, after, looking before digging, I now have spots on various spots of my body. It is uncomfortable especially since as soon as clothing comes in contact with the spots is itches like crazy. No need for steriods yet so I think it was a very minor case for me, thank goodness!!!

Mothers Day was quiet and relaxing, just lounged around the house. Sat we went to a outdoor festival at the beans school, was fun for about an hour then we went home and cleaned!!! Yay, the house is mostly clean now.

Missed practice on Sat. as my foot has poison ivy and it is uncomfortable to put shoes on as they rub let alone skates. I will try to attend this evenings practice but we shall see..

Country Night

I have been going out and being social again, it is great fun.

Last weekend we went to see Nekromantix they were fun! Had a great time, met some new people, spent some time with people I am acquainted with, and played pool. This the link to the band http://www.nekromantix.com/disco.html

Tonight is Country Night at the Ottobar, should be a good time and I love drinking to Patsy Cline...David Allan Coe and Hank Williams!

I mean really with lyrics like this how could you go wrong:
Well it was all that I could do to keep from cryin'
Sometimes it seemed so useless to remain
But you don't have to call me darlin' darlin'
You never even call me by my name
You don't have to call me Waylon Jennings
And you don't have to call me Charley Pride
And you don't have to call me Merle Haggard anymore
Even though you're on my figtin' side
And I'll hang around as long as you will let me and I never minded standing in the rain
But you don't have to call me darlin' darlin' you never even call me by my name

Well I've heard my name a few times in your phonebook (hello hello)
And I've seen it on signs where I've played
But the only time I know I'll hear David Allan Coe
Is when Jesus has his final judgement day
So I'll hang around...

(Well a friend of mine named Steve Goodman wrote that song
And he told me it was the perfect country and western song
I wrote him back a letter and told him
It was not the perfect country and western song
Because he hadn't said anything at all about mama
Or trains or trucks or prison or gettin' drunk
Well he sat down and wrote another verse to the song and he sent it to me
And after reading it I realized
That my friend had written the perfect country and western song
And I felt obliged to include it on this album the last verse goes like this here)

Well I was drunk the day my mom got out of prison
And I went to pick her up in the rain
But before I could get to the station in a pickup truck
She got run'd over by a damned old train
And I'll hang around...
David Allan Coe

I think they might have played that on the jukebox at a bar I used to frequent in New York. As a matter of fact I think there was a crazy bar in NY that all they played was country and I think I went there quite a bit, kind of fuzzy on the actual name, I think it was in the East Village though. Hmmmmmm, maybe I will remember it later...I wonder if it still is there.

Puuurrrrrrr

XXX

Cleaning

That is what I am doing this weekend, Spring cleaning, due to the amount of things I have been doing lately I have decided to actually clean the house for real this weekend. I have decided since I was Spring cleaning now is a good time to lay the ghosts to rest and focus on my life now not life in the past, when it is ready to be dealt with the ghosts will tell me, hopefully. I should watch Ghostbusters, tee hee....

I have been busy, roller derby bouts, practices, social aspects of derby, going out with friends, spending time with the bean, enjoying the great outdoors and burying dead rodents. Unfortunately the rodent that belonged to the bean was captured by our hunter kitty Fey. She snatched him right out of the cage with her paw and took off with him in her mouth. The little Hamham tried really hard to get better but passed on Tuesday afternoon. It is hard work burying a Hamham, this was the first experience I have had with having to bury a pet. It was sad, the bean was quite upset but is doing better now.

I have been having lots of fun skating, learning some effective skills for me to get better, and just really enjoying the team I am working with. I am really happy with roller derby right now and having lots of fun plus pushing myself physically which is something I have been lacking for a few years.

I feel happy about many things but one thing I am not happy with is work, gggrrrrrrrr.... The interesting thing is I love my work, I just do not like the politics of the position. The stress is overwhelming and sometimes I just want to knock people over, I need to learn how to harness that aggressiveness for the rink as I need to be more aggressive and engage more. I just feel a bit overwhelmed as we have three major deadlines in the next three weeks and I just do not feel like working, I just want to play.

I guess I should at least attempt to get some work done today.....

XXX

Haunted

I feel sometimes the past seems to hover around me and it seems that "ghosts" come back to haunt me. I think maybe I want some of these people to be in my life, not the same way as in the past but in a way that is healthy which most of these relationships were not. There are obviously some relationships I care not to ever revisit and some people that I hope to never encounter again. I suppose these "ghosts" will never depart and be laid to rest until I resolve my past and the guilt I carry. I sometimes do not even really have a clear defined memory of what transpired or what went wrong but in order to make myself a better I think I should start doing this sooner than later, because I do not like being haunted....



If I walk down this hallway, tonight,
It's too quiet,
So I Pad through the dark
and call you on the phone
Push your old numbers
and let your house ring
til I wake you ghost.
Let him walk down your hallway
it's not this quiet
slide down your receiver
sprint across the wire
follow my number
slide into my hand.


It's the blaze across my nightgown
it's the phone's ring.

I think last night
you were driving circles around me.

I can't drink this coffee
til I put you in my closet
let him shoot me down
let him call me off
I take it from his whisper
you're not that tough.
Your Ghost
Kristin Hersh

Spring Fever...

I got knocked around alot by Frenzy last night, OUCH. That is one tough lady to get around. Skating lots, having fun, and ready for the weekend. I am not in the mood to work much lately but then again who is, I will be happy once Spring hopefully this weekend will resemble that long awaited, anticipated season.

It's spring fever. That is what the name of it is. And when you've got it, you want - oh, you don't quite know what it is you do want, but it just fairly makes your heart ache, you want it so! ~Mark Twain

I

am feeling very good about where I am in certain aspects in my life. I am focusing on the positive side of things as being negative is just too difficult. My shoulder hurts but I will be getting a massage today. The sun is shining at least for now, the air is warmer, and it feels good not to be all huddled up and freezing. Yes, I freeze at anything below 75 degrees Fahrenheit. I do not like my feet or head to be cold and I am tired of wearing big shoes and hats, normally this is not a problem but lately I am just not into it. I also bought the loveliest of spring dresses, in the most hideous color scheme, I would like to wear it without freezing and I as i can not wear it to the place I spend the most time, it must get warm. It is so horrible that it looks stunning on and I look fabulous in this hideous dress. I think about moving to the west coast and then realize most of the places I would like to reside are cold, even my choices on the East coast are cold. bbbbrrrrrrrr, I need someone to make me warm as the kittens are not large enough and not allowed to leave the house. I am skating this afternoon outside, it will be with the lovely Joy Collision, I will probably hurt afterwards but I am so looking forward to it. I like being sore, in some ways it makes me feel good and alive. I am off to try and not stress over the rest of my crazy work day.......

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
Albert Einstein

“All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become.”
Buddha

Crazy

Things have been crazy, the weather is not spring like at all, I am cranky and work is driving me crazy. I am still trying to decide if this position is the right position for me, I really like the work and all the Drs. but I feel like I am not learning the skills required to advance in this position and move forward. I like working on the grants but feel that I can do more with the actual grant, making it more appealing and allowing the agency to be more receptive. I know that politics play a role in the process but a well written, defined grant would make it harder to deny. Luckily I have some great support listening to what I am suggesting and offering to help me further the process, which I am not fully versed in at this point.

Skating is going well, I am very excited!! yay!! I love my team and am learning alot.

This Friday brings the Zombie Art Show, which should be fun and exciting!!! I am getting zombiefied and will be on skates, woo hoo......

People

complain about the silliest things especially when they can not see outside their narrow confines of their life. I mean really little things do not mean much when people are dying, family members are grieving, and people are ill. I am aware that every time I am stressing over silly things that really are not important and insignificant issues that are not worth worrying about, that an event occurs to keep this in my mind so that I realize things are silly. Who cares if that stupid piece of paper does not have a signature on it yet, so what if I look like an idiot, who cares that I was soaked because I did not have an umbrella in the downpour this morning, because you know what, my child is healthy, I am healthy, my family is healthy and even though I may not have the best day and it is full of errors and issues the bottom line is that everything will work out and at the end of the day I am living and here to face another day full of issues and problems. They are my issues and my problems so I will address them and they will be completed......ahh the complexity of life is really very simple...

Owwwwwwww

Pain, it hurts, I want to cry. I really just want someone to stick a nice fat cortisone needle into my back so it will stop. 72 hours of non-stop pain is hard to understand if you never had to endure chronic pain, for the most part I have it under control but today I started with the shaking, nausea, and sweating which means I have reached the most pain I can take without having medication. My scripts will be here soon and I can float around in a fog until it subsides back to a normal rating again. I hate to be broken.......

gggrrrrrrr.....

Ouch

My scapula is killing me as well as my shoulder, it pisses me off. This is the day I am pissed, days like this make me angry at the fucking bus. Stupid fucking bus, messed up my shoulder and the crappy weather is making it really bad. Cold, then warm, then cold and damp, I can barely move. I am going over to the Drs. to get a pain script this afternoon to help get me through a couple of days. I was kind of hoping with all the exercising that I have been doing that this would not happen this year, it actually seems worse, the arnica is not even helping. It hurts and I can not concentrate....grrrrrr....sniffle, sniffle, sniffle.....

Grrrrrrrrr

I have a sniffle, actually a lot of sniffles, nothing else just a drippy nose, no problem right? WRONG!!!!! I know there are restrictions on pseudoephederine which now requires, per the Patriot Act, that I show my ID and do not buy over a certain gram amount so I walk down to the pharmacy to try and purchase a decongestant, specifically one that contains pseudoephederine which I know works and works well. I work in a hospital that does plastic surgery, Oral-Maxillofacial Surgery they need this stuff around, I was also a patient for a micro maxillofacial procedure during my stint as a trauma patient. I ask the girl for some Sudafed, thinking we are a hospital we should of all places have it behind the counter, people are sick here, they may need it, yeah right, what was I thinking? Nope, we do not sell it and I refuse to pay money for a medication that may not be affective such as say, hmmmm, Phenylephrine at the approved doses.http://news.ufl.edu/2006/07/19/decongensant/

Then she tries to sell me medication with extras in it I do not need a cough suppressant or a pain reliever I just need my nose to stop dripping and not fall asleep at my desk because I had to take Benadryl.

Thank you Patriot Act for making effective medications a pain in the butt to get, thank you hospital for not stocking said products due to the fact that the Patriot Act is a pain, jeez but go figure you still sell narcotics and opiates via prescription without checking ID's and verifying personal information, GGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. I have decided that you are all a bunch of silly, ignorant people......

Better

Feeling a bit better, think it may have something to do with skating, seems that when I skate it allows me to forget about the things that are bugging me. I feel better today and it will be nice so I can skate outside lots and we have practice on Sunday too!! Yay!! I am uber excited.

Confusion

"I believe that the moment is near when by a procedure of active paranoiac thought, it will be possible to systematize confusion and contribute to the total discrediting of the world of reality."
Salvidor Dali

Grrrrrrr.... WHAT TO DO???!!!??? I understand to initiate change you must be able to endure discomfort until things come to a resolution therefore I am in a state of utter confusion driven by being uncomfortable and hence need to skate harder tonight then usual, I believe that it will help put perspective on many things bouncing around inside my head, maybe if I am hit hard enough it will knock some thoughts into the place they belong.

Fun, fun, fun

Starr is here and as usual we are having fun!!

I roller skated twice yesterday and tonight we are going out like adults with no children, hmmmmmmmmmm....What do adults do again? Teehee.......

Motion, and lack thereof

Ahhhh, I have a day to myself so I decided to go to the gym. I have learned a few things abut myself, cardio is no fun by yourself, just boring and sweaty. I need to get to the cardio dance class, that would probably be fun. I can do yoga, I have never taken a yoga class but I have the postures down, looked better then some of the people that have been doing it for some time. Yoga is fun until the movement stops, I am just not good at staying focused unless I am moving, not yoga's fault my own but jeez I am a force of nature. I do not like to be still, sitting in a sauna was boring, not relaxing for me....guess that says something about me huh? I really enjoyed the yoga class though and will go back next weekend. I have concluded from today's events that I am happy to be moving, breathing, and concentrating. I am not happy feeling like a slug and not doing anything but allowing my heart to beat and breathing. I suppose maybe I believe that life is movement, I have always learned better when applying something then just memorizing it. I wonder how meditation would work for me, tee hee.

Today is warm and I am feeling spring blow in on a breeze, that makes me feel good!!

I am off to attend to the household needs such as cleaning, organizing, and such. I have a feeling that going to the gym is going to help me in many ways from dealing with stress to making me feel better and helping my skating. Yay!!!!!!

Blame it on the

eclipse, drinking water, the cold weather, hmmm, anything but myself. LOL. I recently switched derby teams and now am a mentor for the Junkyard Dolls. I think that this is going to be a very good thing for me, in a week I have learned so much and I am feeling very excited about derby again. I think what is working for me is the explanation and how to apply the skills. I guess that what I was looking for is some training that works for me, it seems that is what I am going to get. I am not concerned with being on a team or not being on a team, I am concerned with being good, no, not good but an excellent derby skater. This involves training, time, effort and passion. I love my coaches, I love derby, I love the people involved, and I love playing this sport. This is not to say the team I was with was not a good team, it just was not a good team for me. I respect and like all the women on the Mods, I would never talk poorly of anyone individually or collectively, that does not mean that I have to agree with their actions but I also understand that I am not a captain and it is not my place to make decisions (thank goodness). All in all I believe that everything worked out best for everyone. I feel the frustration that I had for myself slipping away and realization that I can do well and play this sport.

Work is a different story, it is all stress all the time, I feel like I am constantly running and deadlines are always looming, it does not help that one out of twenty or so people that I have to do work for is a jerk. I suppose one out of all those people is not too bad though.

The bean is having some school issues which we are trying to resolve, hopefully now that she is no longer really ill this will be remedied. Grrrrrrr, middle school stinks, those are tough years emotionally, psychologically and physically. Poor bean.

I will be so happy when spring arrives hopefully with warm breezes, flora in bloom and sunny days....

Friday!!!

I am so happy it is Friday, I am so happy that I can sleep in until 7 or so tomorrow morning. This weekend is going to be busy, training tonight, boxing class in the morning, house cleaning tomorrow, laundry, then pilates on Sunday morning, skating in the afternoon, and then the bout. Thats right, Mobtown vs. Long Island at home at Putty Hill Skateland. Should be a great bout!! I will likely have no voice left on Monday but am looking forward to cheering the girls on!!

I am working on endurance and strength training. I am hoping to show some improvement over the next few weeks, I will complete the goals I have set for myself. It will be productive and I will learn.

“Nothing of any importance can be taught. It can only be learned, and with blood and sweat.”
Robert Anton Wilson

Ahhhhhhh

I think maybe some things had to fall apart to open my eyes to make me realize what I was really looking for and what I wanted. Skating is fun again, I had a good time at practice last night and look forward to scrimmaging on Monday!!! Yay!!

Work on the other hand is absolutely insane, I may lose my mind before Friday, that would be today. Grrrrrrr........

Ouch

Went to boot camp class tonight at the gym, it was fun!! Hard, I am going to be so sore tomorrow morning, actually I am already sore. Ouch!!! I am so excited to get in better shape and work some muscles that need extra work. I hope it gets easier. I start boxing classes on Sat. morning, I am so very excited!! Yay!!! I am trying to get better at derby, I feel that some old fashioned hard work will make me stronger and better. Yay!!!

Jeez

I stongly dislike people that are ignorant and do not care, life is not a popularity contest. I am disappointed that I see this ugly cycle in my life, my whole young adult life was spent thinking I was not good enough with petty attitudes to deal with, I chose to not have it in my life at this moment, so I will move on to work with people that care about my feelings, want to be around me and understand what friendship is without exclusion and elitism.

Somebody's screaming
looking at the ceilling
everything's so funny
I don't have the money
people don't even know me
but they know how to show me

Why can't you be nicer to me?

My pride is dying
I think I'm all done lying
nobody's sharing
so I stop caring
all alone and walking
nobody's talking

Why can't you be nicer to me?

Well the wind is blowing
where am I going
off a bridge and falling
nobody's calling
on the ground and laying
nobody's praying

Why can't you be nicer to me?

The White Stripes
Why Can't You Be Nicer

GrrrrRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrRRRRRRRRRR...

Could not say it better

I love
Jacques-Bernard Brunius (1944)

I love sliding I love upsetting everything
I love coming in I love sighing
I love taming the furtive manes of hair
I love hot I love tenuous
I love supple I love infernal
I love sugared but elastic the curtain of springs turning to glass
I love pearl I love skin
I love tempest I love pupil
I love benevolent seal long-distance swimmer
I love oval I love struggling
I love shining I love breaking
I love the smoking spark silk vanilla mouth to mouth
I love blue I love known—knowing
I love lazy I love spherical
I love liquid beating drum sun if it wavers
I love to the left I love in the fire
I love because I love at the edges
I love forever many times Just one
I love freely I love especially
I love separately I love scandalously
I love similarly obscurely uniquely
HOPINGLY
I love I shall love

mmmmmmmm.......

Ewwwwwwww

I have been sick, I mean really sick, sick like I have never been before, it is horrible. Every time I think I am getting well, I end up feeling cruddy. Since I have been ill, I have done nothing but sleep, work and sleep some more. I can not wait until I feel almost human again. It is all because of these little suckers:
That's right EBV, one of the causes of mono, here is what the CDC has to say about it:
Epstein-Barr virus, frequently referred to as EBV, is a member of the herpesvirus family and one of the most common human viruses. The virus occurs worldwide, and most people become infected with EBV sometime during their lives. In the United States, as many as 95% of adults between 35 and 40 years of age have been infected. Infants become susceptible to EBV as soon as maternal antibody protection (present at birth) disappears. Many children become infected with EBV, and these infections usually cause no symptoms or are indistinguishable from the other mild, brief illnesses of childhood. In the United States and in other developed countries, many persons are not infected with EBV in their childhood years. When infection with EBV occurs during adolescence or young adulthood, it causes infectious mononucleosis 35% to 50% of the time.

Let me tell you mono sucks, grrrrrrrr

I want to not feel sick and start to feel better so that I can skate and do some fun things.....

Wonder....

"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed. "
Albert Einstein

I often wonder why...
It sometimes drags out over a few days
sometimes a few hours
I can get lost
wondering...

Whew

Feeling much better now. We have had an exciting few weeks and I have been very ill. Mono caused by EBV is the nastiest of illnesses. It would be OK if I had somehow picked up this virus in a fun, exciting way but I it was picked up at the hospital, which is in no way fun or exciting. I never thought I would get so sick from work. I did, it sucked and now I can finally eat and feel almost human enough to attempt to clean my house.

On a happier note, we went off to Philly to support the Mobtown Maulers against the Liberty Bells, the Maulers did not win but it was a great bout and they really worked hard. Our girls are so great and I am happy to support them. They are wonderful skaters and we seem to be doing well for our first two bouts!!! We will be there to watch them skate in Harrisburg, Go Maulers!!!!

Trying to go to Richmond on Sunday, hopefully it will work out, have to see if I am up for it.

That about it....

XXX

Ouch!!!!!!

OK, deadlines are today, I will probably need some Valium by the end of the day. I am playing the waiting game so I figure why not blog. Something I have not done much of lately.

I received my first rink rash on Monday!!!! This may sound strange but....I liked it, sure it hurt and is a bit ugly but now it makes it seem real. We had our first team scrimmages on Monday and I am so excited. I love the Mods and I am learning so much!!! Woo hoo!!

Pretty rink rash.....


I have started to exercise every night that we are not practicing and working on my endurance, strength and flexibility. That leaves little time these days between work, the beans school, practices, and trips over to the gym. The bean is really enjoying school and derby, she is on the National Science Bowl team, plus has auditioned for the school musical.

This weekend finds us in Philly supporting the Maulers!!!

Interesting...

Sigh, you know when you really want something and you are working hard to achieve it, but then there is always that person that try to keep you down or make you feel bad? When I quit dancing I was tired of the little games. I often wondered what made a person so insecure that they had to be such an ugly person. It is an ugly, screwed up way to treat people, especially people that you have to work with and see on a daily basis.

Ouch, do not piss me off you twit.

I have great friends and wonderful teammates, which is why I want to do derby. Thanks you for not making me feel bad, for including me in everything, for taking the time to work with me and for being great ladies!!!

I am a Mod (kind of)

Wooohooooo, I made it onto the Mobtown Mods mentoring team where the lovely ladies of the Mobtown Mods will refine and hone my derby skills. I am sooo excited, one of the girls that made team pick called to say she was sorry that I did not make a team, what, what?!?!?! Sorry, hell no I would rather be on a mentor team of a team that I really want to be on than a team with girls I do not really know!! Now I will be able to spend my time with the best, most outgoing, make-out queens of the derby world!!! Yay!!! Mobtown Mods, thanks for picking me for your mentoring team cause you ladies are the best!!!! Ohhh, and next draft pick me first!!!!

Excited

Well, I am sick, but very very very excited, last night were assessments and team drafts . I am really hoping that I am going to make it onto a team, the best part is even though I sick and the rink was freezing cold, I had a great time and lots of fun. It feels good to be around the girls, they are such great people with lots of enthusiasm. These are the people that I want to be around, each brings something different to the group but it is their differences that make them all very special and unique in their own way. I love that this is so different from dancing, the drive is there but it is supportive, something that I wish dancing could have been. I love it!!

Work has been hectic, lots of submissions that must be done by a quickly approaching deadline. I like this position quite a bit and feel like it is a good move.

XXX

Ummmm

The tree is still sparkly and twinkling, the house is clean and the new year is here. Happy New Year, 2007 has arrived. It arrived quietly for me this year, rain and fog kept me inside, Law and Order put me to sleep. Law and Order is my Ambien, puts me right out. I think while I was healing from the accident I would leave Law and Order on while doped up on morphine, percocets, sudafed (back when it was available over the counter) and some kind of muscle relaxant, somehow I started to associate the show as some kind of sleep aid. Now, it triggers sleep, which is much better that narcotics which make me anxious and itchy.

Speaking of Law and Order, it is on the television now, which means I should get some sleep....