Ha

So did you want to hear me bitch and complain, well too bad, I do not have enough energy (mental or physical) right now to do either.

Roller derby is fun, I am skating 4-5 times a week to bring up endurance and strength. This week I am just pissed about pretty much everything, work, family stuff, and a myriad of other issues so derby is keeping me even, well as even as I can be. I just want to hit people, now if I could focus enough during scrimmage and use it to my advantage that would be lovely, as I do not like the penalty box.

Thats it for now...

XXX

It has been a long time

I have been busy with conferences, work, derby, and other stuff and so I have neglected my blog. Ooops....

So here is my recap of the last month or so...

I almost lost my mind briefly, not totally, just a bit seems to have sorted itself out with the assistance of medication, therapy, and just knowing that my mind was going to try and get lost. I love it when that happens and I can function through silly little moments that threaten to make me insane.

Thanksgiving was great, we spent it in New York...sometimes I miss living in New York, I would not want to live in Manhattan but Brooklyn would be OK. Then again who knows where the bean will end up school wise and where I will end up.

Been skating lots, was asked to help the Mason Dixon Roller Vixens out with their expo, it was fun, they are a great group of ladies and I enjoy skating with them. I may try to get up to Wilmington in the next couple of weeks to practice with them as well. Derby has been fun, I am enjoying skating. Yesterday was the Annual Mayors Parade which I skated in last year as well, this year was a bit colder and wet, fun to skate. I liked it, then I went to Edies for a small party with a local artist that crafts jewelry. She bout me a beautiful chainmail necklace with a spider web dangling from it. I love it.

Other then that I attended the NCURA conference learned a ton, stressed out over November deadlines, finished a grant with an hour to spare. Grrr work...

Now if I can just focus and stay on track over the next couple of weeks, things will be great!

Crazy

I am tired of waiting
seems to me that is all I am doing
waiting...

it is frustrating
and I tire of it

and am disappointed
in myself

chasing crazy away
with little blue pills

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I am feeling a bit out of time lately, not sure why...

The Dresden Dolls

girl anachronism

you can tell
from the scars on my arms
and cracks in my hips
and the dents in my car
and the blisters on my lips
that i'm not the carefullest of girls

you can tell
from the glass on the floor
and the strings that're breaking
and i keep on breaking more
and it looks like i am shaking
but it's just the temperature
and then again
if it were any colder i could disengage
if i were any older i could act my age
but i dont think that youd believe me
it's
not
the
way
i'm
meant
to
be
it's just the way the operation made me

and you can tell
from the state of my room
that they let me out too soon
and the pills that i ate
came a couple years too late
and ive got some issues to work through
there i go again
pretending to be you
make-believing
that i have a soul beneath the surface
trying to convince you
it was accidentally on purpose

i am not so serious
this passion is a plagiarism
i might join your century
but only on a rare occasion
i was taken out
before the labor pains set in and now
behold the world's worst accident
i am the girl anachronism

and you can tell
by the red in my eyes
and the bruises on my thighs
and the knots in my hair
and the bathtub full of flies
that i'm not right now at all
there i go again
pretending that i'll fall
don't call the doctors
cause they've seen it all before
they'll say just
let
her
crash
and
burn
she'll learn
the attention just encourages her

and you can tell
from the full-body cast
that i'm sorry that i asked
though you did everything you could
(like any decent person would)
but i might be catching so don't touch
you'll start believeing youre immune to gravity and stuff
don't get me wet
because the bandages will all come off

and you can tell
from the smoke at the stake
that the current state is critical
well it is the little things, for instance:
in the time it takes to break it she can make up ten excuses:
please excuse her for the day, its just the way the medication makes her...

i dont necessarily believe there is a cure for this
so i might join your century but only as a doubtful guest
i was too precarious removed as a caesarian
behold the worlds worst accident
I AM THE GIRL ANACHRONISM



copyright 2002 amanda palmer

Neurological

residual signaling
or are you looking for something inside of me
something you lost, or maybe it was something I lost
I am not sure if it was quite lost or just pushed away
to cope
you are there, I know in dusty corners, waiting...
Can you hear me when my brain screams out trying
to find you, recapture what was lost, not knowing where
it hides, drifting out briefly to touch, a bit here
some there
like fingertips lingering, brushing and caressing
mechanisms of neuronal synaptic communication
into gray matter incorrectly
when will someone
focus
on various aspects of my brain's chemicals,
molecules, or cells
and fix it so I can clean out all the dusty bits
because I also dislike dusty corners

Do over

Technically if you die after saying being run over by a bus and survive does that mean you get a "do over"? I mean really if you survive you should get to decide how old you really are and start right there, right? I only ask because last night while speaking to a friend it was decided even though my date of birth is Sunday my rebirth then technically speaking is in December. Does that mean I am able to celebrate both? Hahahahah....

Last night my one of my favorite movies of all times was on...The Red Shoes. It is a wonderful movie I think everyone should watch it at least once. It is so tragic and no matter how many times I watch it I still cry and sob at the end even though I know what is coming.

Here is a quite from the movie:
Boris Lermontov: Don't forget, a great impression of simplicity can only be achieved by great agony of body and spirit.

Boris Lermontov: You cannot have it both ways. A dancer who relies upon the doubtful comforts of human love can never be a great dancer. Never.

Then Katie came out with her album titled The Red Shoes
The Red Shoes
1993
Oh she move like the diva do
I said Id love to dance like you.
She said just take off my red shoes
Put them on and your dreamll come true
With no words, with no song
You can dance the dream with your body on
And this curve, is your smile
And this cross, is your heart
And this line, is your path

Oh its gonna be the way you always thought it would be
But its gonna be no illusion
Oh its gonna be the way you always dreamt about it
But its gonna be really happening to ya
Really happening to ya
Really happening to ya

Oh the minute I put them on
I knew I had done something wrong
All her gifts for the dance had gone
Its the red shoes, they cant stop dancing, dancing
And this curve, is your smile
And this cross, is your heart
And this line, is your path

Oh its gonna be the way you always thought it would be
But its gonna be no illusion
Oh its gonna be the way you always dreamt about it
But its gonna be really happening to ya

She gotta dance, she gotta dance
And she cant stop till them shoes come off
These shoes do, a kind of voodoo
Theyre gonna make her dance till her legs fall off

Feel your hair come tumbling down
Feel your feet start kissing the ground
Feel your arms are opening out
And see your eyes are lifted to god
With no words, with no song
Im gonna dance the dream
And make the dream come true
Im gonna dance the dream
And make the dream come true

She gotta dance, she gotta dance
And she cant stop till them shoes come off
These shoes do, a kind of voodoo
Theyre gonna make her dance till her legs fall off
Call a doctor, call a priest
Theyre gonna whip her up like a helicopter

Really happening to ya
Really happening to ya

You gotta dance....

Is there a reason why to this day I own so many red shoes? Hmmmm.....

I was on a search, trying to figure out why so many people tolerate me and put up with me after all the crap I have put them through. This is an answer I received from a dear friend, "I have known all along that you are a person full of life and passion, good good qualities but hard to control and harness without having focus. You have and are working so hard to make yourself able to control those aspects and merge them into one person and all the old things do not really matter, being around you has been at the very least interesting and never dull". Can you write me a damn happy song then about the person I am now that does not cause you any angst? I guess thats kind of hard when you write the blues and the fact you got no reason to scribe songs for me anyway... Well, I do not feel dull, just busy and even, still lots of passion and life, feeling kind of sparkly and shiny these days.

Living

Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death.
Anais Nin

Life is truly known only to those who suffer, lose, endure adversity and stumble from defeat to defeat.
Anais Nin

I have worked hard to become who I am over the past few years, the interesting thing is as I work to become the person that I want to be, that person keeps expanding. Ideals, goals, passion, and all the connections I have made, old and new alter and change for the better, open and honest. After leaving the world of fantasy created and believed by myself while living only in my head, I realize that there is so much to experience. I closed out the bad parts and created only good things and running away from all the bad, hiding inside myself so far and ever not realizing the harm to others and myself that it created by being so unbalanced and scared. I never realized how sensitive I am to outside influences, how with all the bad, ugly, and harsh realities there is also empathy, compassion and beauty. Learning this has made me understand and alter my perception of what I am searching for. I am happy to no longer live in a world made up of make believe and craziness. There is enough crazy in the world that my adding to it just feeds illusion. I like expanding and learning it makes me feel comfortable in who I am and keeps me from being routine and stagnant. Fear and anxiety are not a way to live a life, it grew tiresome and hard to "live" in such a state. I am appalled at how I behaved and the overwhelming fallout for my behaviour and its affect on all surrounding me. I can not undo what was done in the past but I can learn and understand from those moments, otherwise what would be the point.

Today

I realized how really great the life I have worked so hard for is...you know sometimes I forget and feel tired, run-down and listless...then BOOM, something occurs, or is remembered, or happens. This morning on my way out of my office there was a lady in a wheelchair, when we arrived finally departed the elevator into the lobby she says, "Outside, thank goodness". I remember that feeling very vividly upon my late evening departure after being in shock trauma for all of about 28 hours, not that I remember most of it, but the bits and pieces I do remember are vivid and in surreal technocolor. I remember arguing with the DR. about leaving ama, I remember fighting to get dressed, I remember vomiting due to the amount of MRI/CT scans being performed, and now I remember the feeling of being wheeled outside at 10 or 11 at night into the cold, dark night. I had no coat as they destroyed the black vintage sheared lambswool jacket and everything else I was wearing while removing these items from my body during the initial stages of trauma care in the middle of the street in Annapolis. This memory returned is so vivid, I can feel the goosebumps on my skin, the feeling of the air against my beat up, bruised skin, the feeling of being alive...that is the biggest high I have ever felt, it carried me through for years and you know now that I recall that feeling it makes me feel high and happy just thinking about it. Regardless of when things seem very stressful and irritating, my life is still pretty damn nice and I am happy to be alive.

So here is a Katie song that I love, been listening to this album since my sister brought it home when I was 12, never realized it would be so significant to me and my life at every junction...

Just as we hit the green,
I've never been so happy to be alive.
Only seven miles behind
You could smell the child,
The smell of the front line's survival.

With my silver Buddha
And my silver bullet,
(I pull the pin.)

You learn to ride the Earth,
When you're living on your belly and the enemy are city-births.
Who need radar? We use scent.
They stink of the west, stink of sweat.
Stink of cologne and baccy, and all their Yankee hash.

With my silver Buddha
And my silver bullet,
(I'm pulling on the pin,)
Ooh, I pull out, pull out the pin.
(pulling on the pin, oh...)

Just one thing in it:
Me or him.
Just one thing in it:
Me or him.
And I love life!
Just one thing in it:
Me or him.
And I love life!
I love life!
I love life!

I've seen the coat for me.
I'll track him 'til he drops,
Then I'll pop him one he won't see.
He's big and pink, and not like me.
He sees no light.
He sees no reason for the fighting

With my silver Buddha
And my silver bullet.
(I'm pulling on the pin,)
Ooh, I pull out, pull out the pin.
(pulling on the pin, oh...)

I had not seen his face,
'til I'm only feet away
Unbeknown to my prey.
I look in American eyes.
I see little life,
See little wife.
He's striking violence up in me.

With my silver Buddha
And my silver bullet.

Just one thing in it:
Me or him.
Just one thing in it:
Me or him.
And I love life!
Just one thing in it:
Me or him.
And I love life!
I love life!
I love life!

Just one thing in it:
Me or him.
And I love life!
Just one thing in it:
Me or him.
And I love life!
Just one thing in it:
Me or him.
And I love life!
I love life!
I love life!

Katie Bush
1982
Pull out the pin
The Dreaming

Whats going on?

Work has been a bit hectic, lots of deadlines, lots of grants, and lots of all the institutional bs that goes along with people trying to get funded and do research. Many cuts due to lack of funding about 76% of requested funding on research rating in the top 11% nationally are being funded, kind of sad, but what can you do when your federal monies are supporting wars...guess health is really not that important.

Trying to get ready for the beans last year of middle school and I suppose we will be filling out high school applications, if everything goes as planned though we will not be here and so we will also have to look at schools in Oregon. She is excited to start 8th grade and hopefully will continue doing her best, she is smart.

So, thinking of Portland, OR is our next destination, Baltimore while interesting is not really the place for a teenager or at this point for her cool mom, plus they have an awesome derby league.

Derby is going well, I am getting better, though there is still lots of room for improvement but I finally feel like I am getting more competitive and skilled. I am working really hard and it is nice to feel like it is starting to pay off. Who knew skating around hitting people and trying not to get knocked over was so hard. I really am starting to enjoy the strategy of the game, knowing what I am doing in the pack, it is fun. I also am so lucky to be associated with the Junkyard Dolls, they are the best group of ladies.

So here some pictures from the last few weeks...


This is what happens when betty beatdowns ass hits the asphalt a couple of times in the same place at Virgin Fest.



This is Harlotte and Meanie Me, as you can tell Meanie Me does not like photos...

I will post more later...

XXX

Hot, hot, and hot

After a week of little sleep and lots of shirt making the V Fest arrived. I had a great time even though it was hot, the track was inclined asphalt. I was so happy that on Sunday it had cooled down a bit and I was able to enjoy some the music. I was able to catch part of the Beastie Boys and Amy Winehouse (Needs to go to Rehab, YES, YES, YES) on Sat. It was long, hot and some fun but I was totally drained as all my energy was used up by sweating a lot.

Sunday I was introduced to CSS (Cansei de Ser Sexy), they really kicked my day off right, fun and energetic. I then had some fun scrimmages, then went off to catch Bad Brains, who were incredible. We all felt a little special when the Wu Tang Clan started chanting our derby teams name for the day (Poon Tang Clan) and we started off skating to them until we were totally rained out (incline+outdoor wheels+asphalt=many derby girls slipping and sliding). I was then able to catch the end of Velvet Revolver, did not get to hear much of that set so i can not really comment. Then it was time to watch the Smashing Pumpkins (Yay!!!) and a bit of 311 in the rain. It was two long, hot days of derby, music, sweating and being disgustingly dirty which made it all that much more fun.

XXX

Colorful

My passion comes in many colors, last night I danced for the first time in months. I love to dance and often I am so focused on the pain and anguish it caused me that I forget how good it feels. Passion would not be attainable without the fury of pain, violence and anguish. I accept the pain, the violence and the anguish which is just considering the pleasure and fulfillment the passion provides. I feel like it has been lost for a bit, it clears my minds, and allows the release of all the stress I have been feeling. A collision full of color. Collisions the force and the impact, it pushes right through every bit of me. I embrace it and accept it, grip it and hold it, bask in the color and the sounds the movement makes. Right there, and then pull back just a bit to allow the bliss to be extended, pain and pleasure, passion. Crashing headlong into letting it go....




XXX

Ummmm, I am being pulled in lots of directions lately, work, skating, vacations...everything seems busy but I am feeling a bit anxious as well. So here is the run down on things going on....

Went to my first photo shoot with a bunch of lovely ladies, you can check out the pictures here:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/82185826@N00/

Had a lovely BBQ/swim party for Fourth of July, a little damp but still good friends, good food and a pool.

Planning on my trip to CO in a few weeks so i can pretend to be a mountain girl.

Going to Coney Island on Sat with some friends.

So some fun stuff happening as well as the derby bouts, V Fest, and other fun skating events.... Yay!!!

XXX

Things have been busy

work, derby and life in general. Looking forward to vacation and getting away.

The bean has decided to take up ice skating, two coaches have actually asked her about her interest in trying figure skating, not bad considering she has only skated on ice three times in her life.

I am feeling a bit disappointed as i was supposed to go to Philly tomorrow evening to see Morrissey, yeah i like Morrissey. Unfortunately, it has been postponed and I just found out, so what to do this weekend. DC girls have a bout maybe I will go to that on Sat. night now that I have no plans.

I am slacking, i have a ton of deadlines but no desire to work on a single one....hooo hum.... tralalalalalalalalalalala...well thats it for now

“Strange is our situation here upon earth. Each of us comes for a short visit, not knowing why, yet sometimes seeming to a divine purpose. From the standpoint of daily life, however, there is one thing we do know: That we are here for the sake of others...for the countless unknown souls with whose fate we are connected by a bond of sympathy. Many times a day, I realize how much my outer and inner life is built upon the labors of people, both living and dead, and how earnestly I must exert myself in order to give in return as much as I have received.”
Albert Einstein

Life is strange lately, a good strange, exciting and large...I like it.

XXX

Ummm, last post

was all about being frustrated. i am no longer frustrated and all super excited about derby again. I forget to take the good and let the frustrating stuff go...kind of like work these days. I feel good, have lots of plans over the next few weeks, taking a vacation soon and happy school will be over soon for the bean!! Yay!! I love summertime, warm weather, thunderstorms, swimming pools, hummingbirds, and lots of outside events.
My hummingbird feeder is attracting a couple of hummingbirds, it makes me smile.
We had out first official BBQ at the pool on memorial Day, lots of fun, nothing beats good food, swimming children, and wonderful company.
I love a good thunderstorm, and when it is hot we get lots of them....
I really like walking around without 18 layers of clothes....

Tomorrow is the CV parade should be lots of fun, next weekend is the Hon Fest which should be even more fun, the following weekend is the Bout and the Today show will be there interviewing and filming CCRG, the next weekend is The Dew Tour which hopefully if all the planets align correctly we will be allowed to participate. Whew, plus lots of practices and skating!!!

I am a bit disappointed

I feel a bit disappointed in derby right now, not the team I am working with but the internal strife of the whole league right now. This is a sport, people win and people lose. I understand that no one wants to lose but I feel like in order to get better and increase your skills, you need to play with your team and you need to lose with your team to figure out what mistakes you are making and how to correct them. There is talk of having "star" guest skaters from other teams skating with the teams that are not ranking highly yet to keep the point spreads closer and making the game more exciting for the fans. My problem here is that with only 14 girls on the roster, if you have 1-2 girls coming in the weaker 1-2 skaters on the team will get benched and not be able to play. This is sad to me to see girls who are busting their butts to try and improve, learn to use their strengths, made it onto teams, and then be made to sit on the sidelines during the bouts. It makes me think that the people that suggest this idea have little faith in the freshmeaters on the league. I was so impressed with the teams that had the most freshmeat girls skating on Sunday and the marked improvement those girls had made in four short weeks since the first bout, pulling it together and start working with each other in strategy and looking like a team. It is so early in the season and if they have guest skaters will there ever be room on a team for me or a chance of improving to be bout ready? Will they ever find out what the freshmeaters are capable of improving to the point of being able to play on their own with their respective teams? Will the freshmeaters that get to skate feel like they are better then the alternates and the girls that are benched? Arrrghhhhhh....

It makes me sad to see many people get so upset about losing, this is about fun and working with your league and teams focusing on improving at all levels. When focusing on just winning it loses much of what has drawn so many of us to this sport, the support of friends, personal improvement, working with a group of people, and having some fun while maybe being able to work out some of the every day stress we all encounter daily.

Sleepy

I must be getting too much sleep or waking up too much in the middle of the night because I am tired. I have been retiring early this week and waking later but I am up every 2-3 hours due to poison ivy, then it takes forever to fall back to sleep. I have also been having bizarre dreams, maybe because I am waking so much and have lots of things on my mind. It is strange that during the day I do not seem to have lots on my mind and certainly nothing that correlates with these bizarre dreams but obviously my brain has decided to dredge up some weirdness. *SIGH*

Poison Ivy

Well I did not go out on Friday, I was all ready to go and then decided not to go. The reason is I was feeling slightly itchy, then increasingly itchier, then really, really, itchy, th cause of this discomfort...POISON IVY!!!! I though that I had done everything I could not to come in contact with urushiol which I am extremely allergic to but alas, after showering as soon as digging the hole, after, looking before digging, I now have spots on various spots of my body. It is uncomfortable especially since as soon as clothing comes in contact with the spots is itches like crazy. No need for steriods yet so I think it was a very minor case for me, thank goodness!!!

Mothers Day was quiet and relaxing, just lounged around the house. Sat we went to a outdoor festival at the beans school, was fun for about an hour then we went home and cleaned!!! Yay, the house is mostly clean now.

Missed practice on Sat. as my foot has poison ivy and it is uncomfortable to put shoes on as they rub let alone skates. I will try to attend this evenings practice but we shall see..

Country Night

I have been going out and being social again, it is great fun.

Last weekend we went to see Nekromantix they were fun! Had a great time, met some new people, spent some time with people I am acquainted with, and played pool. This the link to the band http://www.nekromantix.com/disco.html

Tonight is Country Night at the Ottobar, should be a good time and I love drinking to Patsy Cline...David Allan Coe and Hank Williams!

I mean really with lyrics like this how could you go wrong:
Well it was all that I could do to keep from cryin'
Sometimes it seemed so useless to remain
But you don't have to call me darlin' darlin'
You never even call me by my name
You don't have to call me Waylon Jennings
And you don't have to call me Charley Pride
And you don't have to call me Merle Haggard anymore
Even though you're on my figtin' side
And I'll hang around as long as you will let me and I never minded standing in the rain
But you don't have to call me darlin' darlin' you never even call me by my name

Well I've heard my name a few times in your phonebook (hello hello)
And I've seen it on signs where I've played
But the only time I know I'll hear David Allan Coe
Is when Jesus has his final judgement day
So I'll hang around...

(Well a friend of mine named Steve Goodman wrote that song
And he told me it was the perfect country and western song
I wrote him back a letter and told him
It was not the perfect country and western song
Because he hadn't said anything at all about mama
Or trains or trucks or prison or gettin' drunk
Well he sat down and wrote another verse to the song and he sent it to me
And after reading it I realized
That my friend had written the perfect country and western song
And I felt obliged to include it on this album the last verse goes like this here)

Well I was drunk the day my mom got out of prison
And I went to pick her up in the rain
But before I could get to the station in a pickup truck
She got run'd over by a damned old train
And I'll hang around...
David Allan Coe

I think they might have played that on the jukebox at a bar I used to frequent in New York. As a matter of fact I think there was a crazy bar in NY that all they played was country and I think I went there quite a bit, kind of fuzzy on the actual name, I think it was in the East Village though. Hmmmmmm, maybe I will remember it later...I wonder if it still is there.

Puuurrrrrrr

XXX

Cleaning

That is what I am doing this weekend, Spring cleaning, due to the amount of things I have been doing lately I have decided to actually clean the house for real this weekend. I have decided since I was Spring cleaning now is a good time to lay the ghosts to rest and focus on my life now not life in the past, when it is ready to be dealt with the ghosts will tell me, hopefully. I should watch Ghostbusters, tee hee....

I have been busy, roller derby bouts, practices, social aspects of derby, going out with friends, spending time with the bean, enjoying the great outdoors and burying dead rodents. Unfortunately the rodent that belonged to the bean was captured by our hunter kitty Fey. She snatched him right out of the cage with her paw and took off with him in her mouth. The little Hamham tried really hard to get better but passed on Tuesday afternoon. It is hard work burying a Hamham, this was the first experience I have had with having to bury a pet. It was sad, the bean was quite upset but is doing better now.

I have been having lots of fun skating, learning some effective skills for me to get better, and just really enjoying the team I am working with. I am really happy with roller derby right now and having lots of fun plus pushing myself physically which is something I have been lacking for a few years.

I feel happy about many things but one thing I am not happy with is work, gggrrrrrrrr.... The interesting thing is I love my work, I just do not like the politics of the position. The stress is overwhelming and sometimes I just want to knock people over, I need to learn how to harness that aggressiveness for the rink as I need to be more aggressive and engage more. I just feel a bit overwhelmed as we have three major deadlines in the next three weeks and I just do not feel like working, I just want to play.

I guess I should at least attempt to get some work done today.....

XXX