Deadlines

So what am I doing posting while I have the huge grant deadline which has been pushed to Tuesday, well I have been enduring headaches, stomach aches and pretty much everything else that comes along with having a grant and paper deadline. Could it be a small grant or an easy paper, NO!!! Why even bother, we should just make it as difficult as possible and have my head explode. It is only 500,000 dollars if I screw up and a rejection letter from the publisher of a top-notch journal. Whew, no pressure there. I also have another abscess in the tooth which has caused some slight swelling in my jaw and a bit of pain, hnnn, could that be a contributing factor in my brain feeling like it should explode, maybe, who knows.....

I believe by posting here it may offer some stress management and alleviate the general anxiety I have been feeling since Monday when I started working on the Biophysics paper and realized the deadline for our internal submission for the grant was actually Tuesday and the grant person would not be in to help me process the said grant.......grrrrrrrr.....

I tried to skate last night but about 1.5 hours into it with the realization that a sandwich is hardly substantial nourishment to make it through the day, let alone three hours of practice, my jaw started to get larger and hurt more, and I just started to feel a bit sick from the antibiotics, I realized skating was not an option or a possibility when all these things popped up. jeez, how did I dance for hours on a cup of coffee and I can not skate even after having lunch, dancing was just as hard and endurance was a huge factor, I guess I am not as young as I was and I realize when I feel crappy now. Kind of sad because practice looked like lots of fun and I really wanted to participate. I guess I will just have to make up for it later!!

back to slave away at the grant, finish the paper and try to fit all the pieces together......

I have

not written much lately, not sure if everything in my head is so unsettled or if I have just been too busy. It could be a combination of both and I am not sure if I really want to commit myself to my thoughts at this moment in time. I am in between, in between my thoughts and actions as I wait for everything. I am in between happiness, joy and excitement while also being in between being varying degrees of sadness and confusion.

I will leave it at I been busy skating, hanging with the bean and trying to occupy my time....

"I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world."
Albert Einstein

Yay!!!

A cold, cloudy Monday that makes me happy that I was bundled up this morning with my scarf, hat and gloves. I love when the air feels crisp and it starts to get cold. It is starting to feel like the holiday season!!! I have a lovely 2 days off for the Thanksgiving holiday and I will be spending it between family and friends. I have finished making all my holiday cards and will start my shopping this weekend!! Yay!!!

I have been offered a new position at the department that I am currently employed, I still can not believe that I was accepted for the position, sure I work hard, I love my current position but I am still a bit surprised! Yay.

I can now work on vacation plans for Spring Break for the bean and I, Woo hoooo!!

Puuurrrrrrrrrr

XXX

handa'dāni bhikkhave āmantayāmi vo, vayadhammā saṅkhārā appamādena sampādethā ti.
Mahaparinibbana Sutta

It leaves an imprint on my soul that has been broken down.

Makes me smile....

“I want to touch the heart of the world and make it smile.”
-Charles De Lint

This morning the world is making me smile, not sure why but it just feels good. The sun is out, work is passing quickly and I feel yummy. I have a bit of joy, here, in me and I plan on sharing it.

I have been working really hard at skating as often as possible, working out, etc. I like it, I needed this and now I am doing it. Hopefully my skating will improve and I am ready for league assessment/team drafts!!

Work is good, I have a new position, it will be fun to learn some new things, makes me happy to think that they picked me out of all the other candidates that had better qualifications and such, I guess they like me. It is nice to be liked.

Still trying to figure out some other things but I suppose everything will work out the way it works out.

Puuurrrrrrrrrrrr.....

XXX

Yawn

Tired this morning, I had weird dreams and did not sleep so well last night or could be that it is rainy and grey outside which does not really make me feel too motivated. Went skating last night and tried to make it around a few times but we went to a rink with dance skaters and they were all over the place, good practice for weaving in between people, locking wheels and being knocked over.

Besides that it is business as usual, working on a grant for the lab and a clinical trial, felling good about a couple of the educational grants that I completed that are being funded and basically trying to delay actually having to work but soon I know the calls will start coming in and it will be another mad, crazy day here in the office, why do I always think I can actually catch up on work when they are out of the office, never happens, silly me.

You can come back
When you want
Just know that I'll be here
I haven't left this step
And when the lights go out
I pick the angel up
I only have two hands

I she here?
Is she here right now?
Drive her off; don't bother to call
I'm checking out today

Me and my charms
Me and my charms
When I kiss the angel
I have a taste of you
When I take the angel
I have a piece of you
I have a piece

You can come back
I haven't left you yet
And when the lights go out
I pick the angel up
I only have two left feet
All I have in my hands
All I have in my hands

Me and my charms
Me and my charms
When I kiss the angel
I have a taste of me and my charms
Me and my charms down on the ground
You can't leave me now
You can't leave me now
I haven't left you yet

All I have in my hands
Me and my charms
Me and my charms
When I kiss the angel
I have a taste of you
When I take the angel
I have a piece of you
I have a piece

Me and My Charms
Kristin Hersh
Hips and Makers

Tralalalalalalalala, some days, the songs are so relevant to my emotions this is an example of where I feel I am today, it will change throughout the day but at this moment, this second, this minute in time, this is where my head is....

Frustration

So you take some anger, some frustration, some guilt, a dash of estrogen and top it all off with OCD and what do you have, a really pissed off me.

I could write a bunch of crap right now but to put it plain and simple I am angry. I say stupid things when I get angry. The remedy for this, fix my bearing and go skate. Skate until I am exhausted then I do not have to worry about it. Tomorrow night I will be really ready to take out some frustration.

I could be petty and say a bunch of things that do not really matter anyway, I could say it all and be finished, have the last word but I just do not feel like it. I would rather skate, get it SKATe. I can skate, skate, skate, skate but who am I fooling, it will not go away, not sure it ever will and then what am I left with a confused, frustrated person that I do not want to be. I will address the issue, work through it and accept it. I will be an adult, use the situation to prove to myself that the last two years or so of therapy have worked and not allow myself to fall apart and go to bits and pieces of Christine, like the puzzle with lost and broken pieces. I am allowed to have an opinion, I am capable of stating my opinion and I am allowed to stand up to a confrontation and state my position without feeling like I have done something wrong by making concise, applicable decision based on things I find relevant to living.


Grrrrrrrrrr....

Geez

Quick recap of the weekend.....

Friday had a lovely gathering with some friends, great food, lovely wine, and wonderful company. After the food and such, Denise and I decided to run out for a bit to a local bar, now I remember why I do not frequent bars and such too often, it was crowded and I am a bit over the "scene" stage of my life. Tee hee, never really fit into the "scene" much anyway so I am not upset by this.

Sat morning, I attempted my first outdoor skate, hills, twigs, rocks, cars and such, it was fun and I really enjoyed Druid Hill Park, the leaves, the weather, the crisp air made it the perfect day! I have a ton to work on but I have already improved quite a bit, just need to work at it. Sat. evening was a Day of the Dead party that was OK, not great as the bean had an argument with one of her friends but it was nice to meet some more parents and have some discussions with other parents regarding the school, and such.

Sunday, we cleaned the house, did the laundry and created a plant cell model that was edible (a cake). It was relaxing but I find that the more I sit around it seems that I get moody and restless. I am thinking that the increase in activity though tiring was needed and that now I require a certain level of activity to maintain an equal balance or it could be that I do not need to think to much about certain things when I am busy, an escapist action, must figure this out.

I am wondering when, when, when and become frustrated when I have no answer no when, where, what or how. I keep trying to make decisions and figure out what, where and when I am doing things but it feels a bit one sided and unfair but then I get upset and it seems like a bit one sided and unfair to me and the bean. Can not really come up with a solution so I think I may take a bit from thinking about it and just continue to have fun and enjoy being a derby girl and being a mom, those are things I can do and I enjoy thinking about.

Puuurrrrrrr

XXX

Ahhhh

Feeling a bit better, not so cranky or anything today, thank goodness because I was really annoyed. I think skating on Wednesday night helped because it wears me out. I have my derby name now, hopefully I will be allowed to change it from what I originally had, the new one suites me well.

This week has not been too bad, I may have a new position which is nice or they may create a new title/position for me within the center, it is good to be liked.

Tonight should be lots of fun, having some people over for dinner and maybe some board games. The bean is off having fun with a friend and preparing her house for a day of the dead party tomorrow evening. Then tomorrow morning outside skate in the chilly morning, some work on the last project of the quarter, and some cleaning. Sunday is another morning skate outside, then project completion, and open skate at the rink Sunday night. Busy but fun!!!

that's it for now....

Puurrrrrr....

Fairytales

It has been a busy weekend...

Had fun at the Bruisers Ball on Friday night...


5 bands, wheel of misfortune, and a bunch of derby girls and other people dressed in fun costumes.

Sat we had some friends over, went to the paper lantern parade in Patterson park, it was really windy but fun!! Then stopped by Starbucks as I had no bean for the evening.

Today we completed three school projects and off to skating. It is feeling very late, I hate time changes, grrrrrrrrrrrr.....

I was watching romantic comedies today and it made me think a bit....maybe I am off looking for some kind of fairytale that does not fit into the real world. This week while mucking around in my brain I started thinking maybe I have such a hard time with reality because it sucks. I hate being an adult when really I just want to have fun and frolic. The fact of the matter is that I have responsibilities and require a certain level of stability in my life now. I never have wanted to settle down and be tied to one place I guess I am afraid that if I leave the things I have worked so hard for that I shall slip back into the unbalanced and out of reality. Lets face it dealing with illness and death on a somewhat frequent basis has a tendency to really make me focus on reality. It is sad and frustrating at times but it is life. I guess I am having problems balancing being an adult and the want to not be a settled, complacent person. I think that is why I like the derby similar to dancing but in a healthier way it allows an escape into a world that is not reality in the sense of being an adult. It is fun and at this time is bringing me great joy and happiness, I think I needed something like this to break the routine of the real world.

I am not sure what kind of fairytale I want, I really want to believe it exists but right now I am finding that difficult......because at one time I felt that I was living the fairytale.

So...

I am now a Charm city Roller Girl, made league last week, still need to practice lots....

I had an interview for a new job at the Cancer Center, should find out next week if I have the position....

I am trying to think of a derby name, must figure that out by Monday....

I am attending the Bruisers Ball tomorrow evening.....

why do I feel so grrrrr, when all these things are good....

grumble, growl, grrrrr.........

La Sigh

Chilly morning, woke up late this morning and now it is off to the grocery to find food so that my bean can forage later. Today is a day of girls and shopping, as will be going to the dreaded mall to winter clothes shop with one of the beans friends that does not have her mom here to help and much prefer I take her than her dad, go figure. Ahhh, to be a teen again.

Later this evening I am supposed to be skating outside with one of the derby girls but I am not sure of the time yet as we are not sure about shopping, I need to also do laundry and I have a couple movies to watch as well.

That weekend went quickly, la sigh.....

Planning on maybe taking Friday off to prepare for Sat. morning try-outs, we shall see...I am uber excited and looking forward to skating this week as I have some pent up frustrations and require a healthy outlet and skating as quickly as possible and such seems like just the remedy!!

Clean Slate

I am like an eraser board, just wiped clean, everytime I think it gets all put together I just get completely washed but I am ready, to be written on. Ohhh, that just sounds a bit naughty, or maybe it is just me. Out one word comes a sentence, then a paragragh, and then a tale, from there a story. I have lots of stories to tell and I am sure people that want to listen to my story, maybe not the person I want to hear but someone nonetheless.

Youth

I remember when I was younger I found inspiration in dancing. I was graced with the pleasure of working with two very inspirational instructors that will provide me a spark for I believe, my whole life. Wendy Robinson, was a beautiful, tall red-headed dancer that had danced with the Royal Ballet and later ended up teaching at Baltimore Ballet. She prepared me for all my exams and always had a bit of Earl Grey tea with lemon and shortbread that she would make for exam days. She never complained about my weight, never offered negative criticism, just enjoyed teaching us and nurturing our enthusiasm and passion. She provided my first professional performance on stage at The Lyric Opera House. I will always see her in my head with a graceful smile and I will always associate her with all the good things associated with dance, and my love for Earl Grey tea. LOL. Sylvester Campbell, he dedicated his life to teaching dance to students that were not afforded the luxury of having money (which dance training requires). He was funny and I loved dancing for him. He had his moments but he was very passionate about his dancing, he was an artist that brought me something that no one else could have ever given me, a sense of accomplishment and beauty in my dancing. I was so fortunate to have these people in my life and see the beauty and passion prior to entering the ugliest of all worlds which years later still haunt my behaviour, habits and body image. I suppose now my inspirations are wrapped up in a combination of things but never have the dreams and inspiration to dance been replaced, I still dance through out my day, in different ways but still it is a dance, every movement executed and every motion followed through.

Beautiful

The leaves are falling
temperature dropping
and I love all the colors I see
right now.

This weekend I will be decorating the house for Halloween. Lights, spiders, orange, red and yellows stuff, I am very excited. Sat I will be helping a friend pack up her house, maybe going to a drive in to see the girls do a demo and watch a movie, then Sunday weather permitting it will be time to try some outside skating with my bouncy wheels. Very exciting, woo hoo!! The Bruiser's Ball is in a couple of weeks, I will be dressing in my Halloween outfit, going to hear 5 bands and party with roller girls, I may even be a derby girl by then (if I ever learn how to actually stay up on my skates). Yay!! Try-outs are the 21st and I am having so much fun.

I feel good, relaxed and comfortable in myself again. I forget to be comfortable in my body, I feel awkward and bulky but right now I feel sore and toned. Yay!! It is funny how much my skewed image plays tricks on me, it is all in my head and sometimes it tries to manipulate me, haha, however it will not work as I am significantly reprogrammed in the behaviour area. So take that!!!!

I am off to watch some Law and Order (Codenamed: Ambien) as I also programmed myself to fall asleep 5 minutes after it has begun.

So off I go....


Tralalalalalalalalalalalalalalala......

Purrrrr

XXX

Relaxing, but totally stressed

This weekend was pretty relaxing on the surface. Friday night had dinner with Reet and Michael and then I babysat, I did not really do much but sleep on the sofa covered in animals until they returned home, the bean was off at her own sleepover for the evening.

Sat. was cold, damp, and dark so once the bean returned from her sleepover we just played games, made this cool spooky gingerbread house and watched movies.


Sunday was grocery shopping, homework, playing some ridiculous game with paddles and a ball that we just could not master, cooking and laundry. Woo hoo.

So while on the surface things seem very calm and domestic, I am having issues. Issues regarding where my employment is going, new job?? new job and new locations??? Trying to decide what I will do if said locations are not where Crstfr wants to move??? What Crstfr is planning on doing and when??? Why the bean is having a slow start this year with school?? Is derby interfering with school???? If I will be able to maintain derby schedule while raising a bean by myself??? How will I be able to manage all this and all that fun stuff???!!!????? Changes are coming just not sure if all aspects of my life will be able to handle the transition.

I am feeling the stress again of being here by myself, I know it sounds horrible but I do not want to move away from my job to work in an area that I have become so fond of, in an area of education as well which seems to be beneficial to me. It would make some things easier and would compromise other things, Damned if I do, damned if I do not, it seems to feel like this past week. Ohhh, well maybe I just need to skate and worry not about later but just focus on the right now so I do not totally tweak.

Puuurrrrrrr

XXX

"Do not anticipate trouble or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight." Benjamin Franklin

"Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished." Lao Tzu

"Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet."
Phaedrus

"In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity."
Albert Einstein

Sitting

I am sitting and reflecting this morning on the state of the world, a few things take the front of the train that comprise my thoughts-
1. The Amish people are really, really forgiving people.
The school killing phenomena is just bizarre, people are upset that it keeps happening they are outraged and scared. The thing is that it has been happening for some time, rural areas just never had to deal with violence the ways cities have and they live in some dreamland that because you live in a nice area with little or no crime that bad things do not happen. Check your local sex crime site and look how many offenders live in your zip code and those are just the ones that have been registered. Bad things happen EVERYWHERE, there are bad people in every community, so while I grumble because of having to purchase a clear backpack or mesh backpack for the bean, that locked doors and having to ring the bell to be admitted into school takes time,complain about the buses taking forever because I will not let the bean go home alone, I now realize the importance of these requirements.

2. The whole Foley thing just pretty much disgusts me, he disgusts me. Can not really say much more about this topic except that as it just makes me angry.

3. This week I was confronted with a situation I have not had to face before at work, it really made me feel helpless and heartbroken. I know that many people do not go out of their way to assist people with their problems and I know that I try to do as much as I can possibly do to try not to be that person especially when dealing with end of life issues, I believe that it is a responsibility to be compassionate and caring when you take when you are employed with services that focus on end of life care. When dealing with end of life care there is a need to allow the patient to have dignity, comfort and care that makes the process much easier for the family and the patient, when these values and goals are not met and handled poorly, it makes me question the compassion, or lack there of, in people as a whole. Makes me sad...

Those a few of the thoughts transversely navigating through my noggin, hmmmm....

Puuurrrrr

XXX

4.

When

.....

Dreaming.....

dream  /drim/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[dream] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation noun, verb, dreamed or dreamt, dream‧ing, adjective

–noun 1. a succession of images, thoughts, or emotions passing through the mind during sleep.
2. the sleeping state in which this occurs.
3. an object seen in a dream.
4. an involuntary vision occurring to a person when awake.
5. a vision voluntarily indulged in while awake; daydream; reverie.
6. an aspiration; goal; aim: A trip to Europe is his dream.
7. a wild or vain fancy.
8. something of an unreal beauty, charm, or excellence.
–verb (used without object) 9. to have a dream.
10. to indulge in daydreams or reveries: He dreamed about vacation plans when he should have been working.
11. to think or conceive of something in a very remote way (usually fol. by of): I wouldn't dream of asking them.
–verb (used with object) 12. to see or imagine in sleep or in a vision.
13. to imagine as if in a dream; fancy; suppose.
14. to pass or spend (time) in dreaming (often fol. by away): to dream away the afternoon.
–adjective 15. most desirable; ideal: a dream vacation.
—Verb phrase16. dream up, to form in the imagination; devise: They dreamed up the most impossible plan.
Compliments of Dictionary.com

I love how one word means so many things, from realistic goals to dreams and things of extreme beauty. I often wonder why some people have stopped dreaming, where those dreams went and why their lives are not intermingled with their dreams. Even through the worst moments of my life I am always finding new dreams and rediscovering old dreams, hopes, aims, figments of my imaginations, sparks that keep me going and lusting after life. I love living, experiencing, dreaming.... How mundane, bleak and dark life would be without these little things called dreams that keep me skipping, dancing, skating, falling, and pushing through the seconds of our lifetime.

Last night as the warm air was blown out by dark stormy skies, I felt a little catch in my breathing that excitement building as the storm unleashed itself, I love that, this afternoon I am daydreaming about that moment. That little catch the racing heart the urge to go running and playing in the storm..

I love being the dreamer....

Puuurrrrrrr

XXX

"Dreaming. -- Either one does not dream at all, or one dreams in an interesting manner. One must learn to be awake in the same fashion: -- either not at all, or in an interesting manner"
Friedrich Nietzsche

Here is what has been going

on....

Sat. was my birthday. I spent the morning and part of the afternoon playing at being a bush at Virgin Fest. Then hanging at the Fest for a bit before going home and having a meal prepared by my mother and beautiful bean!! I then proceeded to open my pressies and amongst many things I received a pair of orange booty shorts that my bean had decided I needed for derby. Tee hee.

I am the bush on the right...


So we decided that Puck needed some more fun in his life and decided to transform him to Pumpkin Puck:

awwww..he loves us.... tee hee


The Sunday off to skate, practice makes perfect. See..

Grrrr......LOL...

Then on Monday night after derby practice my body decided it was going to be horribly ill. It is now Wednesday and I am starting to feel better but no skating for me tonight. Awwwww, sniffle, sniffle...but I did get a card that made me giggle and smile through my groans yesterday!! Thanks Sunshine, you are the bestest!! Wiggle wiggle

Puurrrr

XXX