Fairytales

It has been a busy weekend...

Had fun at the Bruisers Ball on Friday night...


5 bands, wheel of misfortune, and a bunch of derby girls and other people dressed in fun costumes.

Sat we had some friends over, went to the paper lantern parade in Patterson park, it was really windy but fun!! Then stopped by Starbucks as I had no bean for the evening.

Today we completed three school projects and off to skating. It is feeling very late, I hate time changes, grrrrrrrrrrrr.....

I was watching romantic comedies today and it made me think a bit....maybe I am off looking for some kind of fairytale that does not fit into the real world. This week while mucking around in my brain I started thinking maybe I have such a hard time with reality because it sucks. I hate being an adult when really I just want to have fun and frolic. The fact of the matter is that I have responsibilities and require a certain level of stability in my life now. I never have wanted to settle down and be tied to one place I guess I am afraid that if I leave the things I have worked so hard for that I shall slip back into the unbalanced and out of reality. Lets face it dealing with illness and death on a somewhat frequent basis has a tendency to really make me focus on reality. It is sad and frustrating at times but it is life. I guess I am having problems balancing being an adult and the want to not be a settled, complacent person. I think that is why I like the derby similar to dancing but in a healthier way it allows an escape into a world that is not reality in the sense of being an adult. It is fun and at this time is bringing me great joy and happiness, I think I needed something like this to break the routine of the real world.

I am not sure what kind of fairytale I want, I really want to believe it exists but right now I am finding that difficult......because at one time I felt that I was living the fairytale.

So...

I am now a Charm city Roller Girl, made league last week, still need to practice lots....

I had an interview for a new job at the Cancer Center, should find out next week if I have the position....

I am trying to think of a derby name, must figure that out by Monday....

I am attending the Bruisers Ball tomorrow evening.....

why do I feel so grrrrr, when all these things are good....

grumble, growl, grrrrr.........

La Sigh

Chilly morning, woke up late this morning and now it is off to the grocery to find food so that my bean can forage later. Today is a day of girls and shopping, as will be going to the dreaded mall to winter clothes shop with one of the beans friends that does not have her mom here to help and much prefer I take her than her dad, go figure. Ahhh, to be a teen again.

Later this evening I am supposed to be skating outside with one of the derby girls but I am not sure of the time yet as we are not sure about shopping, I need to also do laundry and I have a couple movies to watch as well.

That weekend went quickly, la sigh.....

Planning on maybe taking Friday off to prepare for Sat. morning try-outs, we shall see...I am uber excited and looking forward to skating this week as I have some pent up frustrations and require a healthy outlet and skating as quickly as possible and such seems like just the remedy!!

Clean Slate

I am like an eraser board, just wiped clean, everytime I think it gets all put together I just get completely washed but I am ready, to be written on. Ohhh, that just sounds a bit naughty, or maybe it is just me. Out one word comes a sentence, then a paragragh, and then a tale, from there a story. I have lots of stories to tell and I am sure people that want to listen to my story, maybe not the person I want to hear but someone nonetheless.

Youth

I remember when I was younger I found inspiration in dancing. I was graced with the pleasure of working with two very inspirational instructors that will provide me a spark for I believe, my whole life. Wendy Robinson, was a beautiful, tall red-headed dancer that had danced with the Royal Ballet and later ended up teaching at Baltimore Ballet. She prepared me for all my exams and always had a bit of Earl Grey tea with lemon and shortbread that she would make for exam days. She never complained about my weight, never offered negative criticism, just enjoyed teaching us and nurturing our enthusiasm and passion. She provided my first professional performance on stage at The Lyric Opera House. I will always see her in my head with a graceful smile and I will always associate her with all the good things associated with dance, and my love for Earl Grey tea. LOL. Sylvester Campbell, he dedicated his life to teaching dance to students that were not afforded the luxury of having money (which dance training requires). He was funny and I loved dancing for him. He had his moments but he was very passionate about his dancing, he was an artist that brought me something that no one else could have ever given me, a sense of accomplishment and beauty in my dancing. I was so fortunate to have these people in my life and see the beauty and passion prior to entering the ugliest of all worlds which years later still haunt my behaviour, habits and body image. I suppose now my inspirations are wrapped up in a combination of things but never have the dreams and inspiration to dance been replaced, I still dance through out my day, in different ways but still it is a dance, every movement executed and every motion followed through.

Beautiful

The leaves are falling
temperature dropping
and I love all the colors I see
right now.

This weekend I will be decorating the house for Halloween. Lights, spiders, orange, red and yellows stuff, I am very excited. Sat I will be helping a friend pack up her house, maybe going to a drive in to see the girls do a demo and watch a movie, then Sunday weather permitting it will be time to try some outside skating with my bouncy wheels. Very exciting, woo hoo!! The Bruiser's Ball is in a couple of weeks, I will be dressing in my Halloween outfit, going to hear 5 bands and party with roller girls, I may even be a derby girl by then (if I ever learn how to actually stay up on my skates). Yay!! Try-outs are the 21st and I am having so much fun.

I feel good, relaxed and comfortable in myself again. I forget to be comfortable in my body, I feel awkward and bulky but right now I feel sore and toned. Yay!! It is funny how much my skewed image plays tricks on me, it is all in my head and sometimes it tries to manipulate me, haha, however it will not work as I am significantly reprogrammed in the behaviour area. So take that!!!!

I am off to watch some Law and Order (Codenamed: Ambien) as I also programmed myself to fall asleep 5 minutes after it has begun.

So off I go....


Tralalalalalalalalalalalalalalala......

Purrrrr

XXX

Relaxing, but totally stressed

This weekend was pretty relaxing on the surface. Friday night had dinner with Reet and Michael and then I babysat, I did not really do much but sleep on the sofa covered in animals until they returned home, the bean was off at her own sleepover for the evening.

Sat. was cold, damp, and dark so once the bean returned from her sleepover we just played games, made this cool spooky gingerbread house and watched movies.


Sunday was grocery shopping, homework, playing some ridiculous game with paddles and a ball that we just could not master, cooking and laundry. Woo hoo.

So while on the surface things seem very calm and domestic, I am having issues. Issues regarding where my employment is going, new job?? new job and new locations??? Trying to decide what I will do if said locations are not where Crstfr wants to move??? What Crstfr is planning on doing and when??? Why the bean is having a slow start this year with school?? Is derby interfering with school???? If I will be able to maintain derby schedule while raising a bean by myself??? How will I be able to manage all this and all that fun stuff???!!!????? Changes are coming just not sure if all aspects of my life will be able to handle the transition.

I am feeling the stress again of being here by myself, I know it sounds horrible but I do not want to move away from my job to work in an area that I have become so fond of, in an area of education as well which seems to be beneficial to me. It would make some things easier and would compromise other things, Damned if I do, damned if I do not, it seems to feel like this past week. Ohhh, well maybe I just need to skate and worry not about later but just focus on the right now so I do not totally tweak.

Puuurrrrrrr

XXX

"Do not anticipate trouble or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight." Benjamin Franklin

"Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished." Lao Tzu

"Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet."
Phaedrus

"In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity."
Albert Einstein

Sitting

I am sitting and reflecting this morning on the state of the world, a few things take the front of the train that comprise my thoughts-
1. The Amish people are really, really forgiving people.
The school killing phenomena is just bizarre, people are upset that it keeps happening they are outraged and scared. The thing is that it has been happening for some time, rural areas just never had to deal with violence the ways cities have and they live in some dreamland that because you live in a nice area with little or no crime that bad things do not happen. Check your local sex crime site and look how many offenders live in your zip code and those are just the ones that have been registered. Bad things happen EVERYWHERE, there are bad people in every community, so while I grumble because of having to purchase a clear backpack or mesh backpack for the bean, that locked doors and having to ring the bell to be admitted into school takes time,complain about the buses taking forever because I will not let the bean go home alone, I now realize the importance of these requirements.

2. The whole Foley thing just pretty much disgusts me, he disgusts me. Can not really say much more about this topic except that as it just makes me angry.

3. This week I was confronted with a situation I have not had to face before at work, it really made me feel helpless and heartbroken. I know that many people do not go out of their way to assist people with their problems and I know that I try to do as much as I can possibly do to try not to be that person especially when dealing with end of life issues, I believe that it is a responsibility to be compassionate and caring when you take when you are employed with services that focus on end of life care. When dealing with end of life care there is a need to allow the patient to have dignity, comfort and care that makes the process much easier for the family and the patient, when these values and goals are not met and handled poorly, it makes me question the compassion, or lack there of, in people as a whole. Makes me sad...

Those a few of the thoughts transversely navigating through my noggin, hmmmm....

Puuurrrrr

XXX

4.

When

.....

Dreaming.....

dream  /drim/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[dream] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation noun, verb, dreamed or dreamt, dream‧ing, adjective

–noun 1. a succession of images, thoughts, or emotions passing through the mind during sleep.
2. the sleeping state in which this occurs.
3. an object seen in a dream.
4. an involuntary vision occurring to a person when awake.
5. a vision voluntarily indulged in while awake; daydream; reverie.
6. an aspiration; goal; aim: A trip to Europe is his dream.
7. a wild or vain fancy.
8. something of an unreal beauty, charm, or excellence.
–verb (used without object) 9. to have a dream.
10. to indulge in daydreams or reveries: He dreamed about vacation plans when he should have been working.
11. to think or conceive of something in a very remote way (usually fol. by of): I wouldn't dream of asking them.
–verb (used with object) 12. to see or imagine in sleep or in a vision.
13. to imagine as if in a dream; fancy; suppose.
14. to pass or spend (time) in dreaming (often fol. by away): to dream away the afternoon.
–adjective 15. most desirable; ideal: a dream vacation.
—Verb phrase16. dream up, to form in the imagination; devise: They dreamed up the most impossible plan.
Compliments of Dictionary.com

I love how one word means so many things, from realistic goals to dreams and things of extreme beauty. I often wonder why some people have stopped dreaming, where those dreams went and why their lives are not intermingled with their dreams. Even through the worst moments of my life I am always finding new dreams and rediscovering old dreams, hopes, aims, figments of my imaginations, sparks that keep me going and lusting after life. I love living, experiencing, dreaming.... How mundane, bleak and dark life would be without these little things called dreams that keep me skipping, dancing, skating, falling, and pushing through the seconds of our lifetime.

Last night as the warm air was blown out by dark stormy skies, I felt a little catch in my breathing that excitement building as the storm unleashed itself, I love that, this afternoon I am daydreaming about that moment. That little catch the racing heart the urge to go running and playing in the storm..

I love being the dreamer....

Puuurrrrrrr

XXX

"Dreaming. -- Either one does not dream at all, or one dreams in an interesting manner. One must learn to be awake in the same fashion: -- either not at all, or in an interesting manner"
Friedrich Nietzsche

Here is what has been going

on....

Sat. was my birthday. I spent the morning and part of the afternoon playing at being a bush at Virgin Fest. Then hanging at the Fest for a bit before going home and having a meal prepared by my mother and beautiful bean!! I then proceeded to open my pressies and amongst many things I received a pair of orange booty shorts that my bean had decided I needed for derby. Tee hee.

I am the bush on the right...


So we decided that Puck needed some more fun in his life and decided to transform him to Pumpkin Puck:

awwww..he loves us.... tee hee


The Sunday off to skate, practice makes perfect. See..

Grrrr......LOL...

Then on Monday night after derby practice my body decided it was going to be horribly ill. It is now Wednesday and I am starting to feel better but no skating for me tonight. Awwwww, sniffle, sniffle...but I did get a card that made me giggle and smile through my groans yesterday!! Thanks Sunshine, you are the bestest!! Wiggle wiggle

Puurrrr

XXX

Been busy

Lots of stuff going on lately, having fun and such though. This past weekend we worked at the Hampden Festival passing out flyers for the derby championship bout. It ended up being a great warm day and we encountered many characters, as Hampden has some of the most interesting people in Baltimore City!!

Roller Girls Booth

Coach Ball Breaker selling her wares


Then off to a BBQ at Reets house, she outdid herself this time and we enjoyed great food, company and lots of fun.


Sunday was mainly taken up with the Championship Bout, the final bout until next season!! It was great, very exciting but I worked so I missed some of the excitement. Then the afterparty, stayed for a short period of time then went home. Very busy weekend.


Some things are happening at work which I am trying to just play the waiting game on:
1. There is a potential I may be asked to move to take a new position in another state.
2. I may get the position in Grants and Contracts I have been working towards.

Either way regardless of what happens I find myself in a transition and change which I think is going to be interesting whichever option presents itself!

Roller Derby league try-outs are in less than two weeks, hopefully I will be able to make it onto the league and maybe a team. I am very excited and having lots of fun with all the derby stuff.

This weekend is my birthday!! Yay!!. I will working the Virgin Festival for Trixie Little and it should be lots of fun!! The Bean and my mom are doing "something" that day but not quite sure exactly what that "something" could be. I shall wait and see.

The bean has been awfully tired lately and not feeling all that great so hence I am a bit anxious and have decided that she needs to go to the Drs for a work-up. I am sure it is not anything but still I am feeling anxious about it, I am successfully not tweaking and handling this all very well. I will feel better when all the results return back to me within the normal limits.

Well that's it everything I have been doing, some of the things that I am thinking about and such.

Puuurrrrrr

XXX

Spinach

Spinach is a main staple in my diet, I eats lots of it but now I am sad because I am not allowed to because of nasty tightly attached bacteria. Grrrrrrr. What will I eat now?

I know I am making Rice Krispy Treats tonight maybe some yummy marshmallows!! Yay!!

I am finished with work but I still must remain for another 40 minutes. *La Sigh*

It is cool, rainy and grey still....

Interesting things are starting to happen around me, I wonder where these things will take me if they take me anywhere at all. Hmmmm....

Puuurrrrrrr

XXX

Blah

Tuesday, feeling a bit burnt already, feeling a bit disgusted, and feeling a bit sad. These past few days impact many people in many ways, I just wish the past few days did not feel so slimy and dirty to me. The sentiment and memories exploited and turned ugly, what is wrong with people? This is not a memorial and I for one find it disgusting, distasteful and sleazy.


Grrrrrr.......

Seems like fall

It is a couple of weeks to the official start of fall but it is coming, I feel it, smell and am experiencing the beginning of the autumn equinox. This is my favorite time of year, the leaves changing, the crispness in the air, the cool winds, pumpkin pie, colorful fall vegetables.....The change. The change is happening on the outside as well as inside me, I am happy, I feel good and I have a spark. I have good friends, some new friends, and a sense of adventure. I have a come to the realization that in the past two years I have changed. The changes are positive, I feel lighter, better and a bit more grounded. I am thinking that the changes I started have developed into my life being more fulfilled. I think these are good things, that the work is starting to pay off, but in doing so I also realize that I must maintain this to see the full effects. I am very happy to have found some people in my life that I enjoy being around, they do not stress me out, they are helpful, fun to be around and do not suck my energy, thank goodness!! I love the fact that some of the people I have surrounded myself with are completely selfless and that they do not even realize they are selfless, that is the best part. They do what they do without even realizing this, that makes them pretty wonderful in my eyes and when pointed out to them they just laugh and say "Don't get all sappy now". I am sappy though, emotional and caring, that is what makes me keep going. I love, I laugh, I cry when happy and when sad. My life has certainly taken on a new awareness and I like it, I will not compromise it and I will be honest about it even if it is sappy. Lately, I find myself telling the people that I care about how important they are to me, in this phase of my life honesty of my feelings and thoughts are what I feel I need to share.
One thing about working with the patients has really opened up my eyes to is that no matter who you are, where you have been, what you have, how much money you have, it does not matter things happen no matter what you do. I am positive there is a reason that I have learned this over the past few years, I had a brief brush with it myself but nothing prepared me for the affects of living with it in real life pretty much five days a week. I feel this was something that I needed to experience to fully understand and learn. So who and I now: no more no less, a mother, lover, friend, partner, force of nature, fresh meat for a roller derby league, a carbon based life form, comfortable in my own skin, and a human being; I am Christine, and I am happy for that finally. It has been a long, tough, heart wrenching battle at times but it has been so worth it.

Puuuurrrrrrrr


XXX

Dog days...

so today is the last day of project dogsitting, whew has it been interesting. The dogs were fine but they like to bark at everything as they are not used to this apartment and hear all kind of new noises, they poo quite a bit and trying to hold an umbrella in the pouring rain, a cup of coffee and two dogs is not a good mix. I had fun though and I actually enjoy taking them out for walks around the neighborhood and running with them a bit. I think they had a good time and the itty bitty one likes to sleep on me which makes for a pissed off Puck. tee hee.

Happiness

So it has been a few day, work has been very busy and school has started for the bean, hence that makes me a very busy person. Things are well, I feel good, I am happy and what else can I say....
I feel ....
I dream.....
I am moving....
I have good friends, new and old....
I have a beautiful child......
I have joy.....
I am blissfully in love...
....................
..........

I dream and have so much to look forward to while finding myself in a place of new growth and life.......



Puuurrrrrrr

XXX

"If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion."
HH the Dalai Lama

I think we dream so we don't have to be apart so long. If we're in each others dreams, we can be together all the time.
Hobbes (of Calvin and Hobbes)

I hate election year

It is election year in the state of Maryland, thus the ugly gets uglier and the dirty ones get dirtier. Blech. I have to say that my disgust with the current administration the total lack of disregard by the current administration and the way the current administration is trying to get re-elected is just silly. I mean really, I am insulted and I think everyone I know that lives, works, and has children in the Baltimore City Public School Systems should be a bit ticked off. My child who has been in Baltimore City Public School System for 8 of her 12 years outscored most Maryland students by a very large margin on her yearly MSA testing plus scored in the 97th percentile in her yearly standardized national testing. I live in the city just so that my daughter can attend school in Baltimore City.

Here are some facts about Baltimore City Public School System:

BaltimoreÂ’s high school graduation rate has improved from 42% ten years ago to 59% in 2005. No comparable big city in America has achieved greater progress in the same period of time in its high schools.

In 2003-4, three of the state’s top ten high schools on the Maryland High School Assessment were Baltimore high schools – City College, Polytechnic and School for the Arts. Western High School was just behind, and 100% of its students were accepted to college last year.

I suppose maybe one of the reasons students do not attend is partly due to transportation issues in Baltimore, with the current administration screwing up an already compromised public transportation program the fact that it takes a child 3 buses and 1.25 hours to go 4.92 miles and of that 1.25 hour only .25 hour is spent on the bus the rest is waiting in the rain, the cold, the heat, the sun, etc. with no benches or cover from the weather.. You might say the child could walk part of the way but due to heavy traffic and lack of sidewalks it is not possible. Then you have the issue of the bus even arriving at the stop.

Then the fact that this was from fox "news", Lololoololololol

Hobbit like

There are certain books that I love to read and when completed the wonder and awe of a writer that can hold me so firmly in the tale no matter how many times I read the story delights me. I just completed The Hobbit for the billionth time, the love I have for this story never seems to fade. It is magic, pure magic and I love the telling of the story....

The part of the tale I am entering now in my life mirrors at times certain parts of The Hobbit, I know it sounds knd of silly but in some ways it is true. I was sitting my hobbit hole under the hill, comfortable and content not realising that adventure was sitting on my doorstep...

Along comes my wizard to pull me out of my comfortable little hole and makes me understand that there is more to life than tea and meals. tee hee. Then the adventure begins, there are dragons and goblins but along the way there are friends and in the end that is what gets you through the bad things and under the mountain where the gold lies. There are no battles with swords but regardless there are battles, even with yourself when trying new tasks and things that make you uncomfortable. So in this adventure, I am finding some good friends, being reaquainted with people , and realising that these are the things I want.

I have a feeling that things are going to move forward and that wonderful adventures are approaching life, with autumn and winter around the corner I believe that things are going to change. I am not afraid of the changes and embrace them as often as possible.

I am focusing on the changes, of myself, the goals I set and the relationships I am forming. It feels good to start friendships on honesty and openess and the people I have been able to do this with are recptive, compassioante and understanding, because I think in their own way they have all lost at one time or another their self and gone insane. I have finally come to terms with who I was and why I will never allow myself to be that person again. I know at times that I may cause hurt and pain to someone but it will never be because I am being decietful or dishonest to myself or those around me. I have been very fortunate to have been able to work on these issues and been able to be where I am now. I do not and will not take that for granted and I believe that is why this adventure has opened itself to me, I am now ready. I am aware that my position at the cancer center has also provided me with more compassion and caring than I ever thought possible but it also brings with the revelation that along with that is hurt, sadness and pain at times. These emotions along with the anger sometimes at how unfair the universe seems to be has made me thoughtful of the relationships I am forming and have formed over the past few years. I understand that some things are totally out of my control and can not be by anyone or anything. So for now my adventure has started and I have identified the goals and hopefully they can be accomplished but I understand that things do not always happen the way you want but maybe working together with people you can figure out a solution when you lose your path and things are not wonderful. I am excited and hopeful that this adventure though it may have some loses will turn out to be part of an epic adventure!!

Puuurrrrrrrrr


XXX

Ummm, life changes

Once again things in my life are changing, for the better I might add, I have a potential new job offer from the same department so everyone keep there fingers crossed as this is a very important position that could potentially lead to some very interesting paths in the future.

Derby is fun!!! I am excited and I am looking forward to learning and playing. Yay!!!

I am very excited for all this new stuff but I am still missing my Merlin and am feeling a bit low today.

School starts for the bean on Monday and she is looking forward to the beginning of school and being able to spend time with her friends. Our life is about to become very hectic again with school, derby practice and such.

Not much of a post but our laptops needed to be sent out for some TLC and I am quickly posting from work. They shall return on Wednesday, thanks guys, we really appreciate all the work and time you put into keeping things running!!!

Off to do some work and such......

XXX