Faery Blogging

Have camera, have wings, have corset and skirt, and feeling a little mischievous. It is faery time. I mean after all this is a Faery blog. Exciting isn't it? Being a faery is kind of exciting and maybe a little naughty too!

Happy now

Well after going to the vets last night we have been offered a different route regarding Merlin. We are attempting medication. The medication is not a cure but an option to help him maintain a quality of life for a period of time. Only time will tell and all I know is that I am so happy I woke up with my two kittens! It is the little things in life that make me happy.

So sad

I am so sad today knowing what tomorrow brings. Tonight is Merlin's last night with us and it makes me cry over and over. Merlin has been diagnosis with FIP. A horrible disease that cats get. I keep thinking maybe it could be something else but alas after researching extensively since Thursday I have found nothing. The progression of this disease was so fast. Wednesday night after spending 4.5 hours at the emergency room vets, three thoracentisis's, numerous x-rays and general cytology, FIP is the diagnosis. We have decided that after spending a weekend with him we will have to euthanize him before his lungs fill with fluid again. We could continue with the lung taps but given the size of what we believe is a soft tissue mass I do not want him to suffer. This has to be the hardest thing I have had to deal with and it sucks. Merlin has brought me so much joy and comfort so often.

The interesting thing that was pointed out to me earlier, by my sunshine, is my life over the past year revolves around death. Beside the death of my two aunts and my grandfather, I am surrounded by lung cancer death, one of which was my grandfathers, so professionally and personally lung cancer has consumed my life of late. Lung taps, upset family, and upset patients are my world. At least Merlin does not have to go through the decline and progression of his disease, thank goodness. I am humbled daily by what the patients and their family go through in a fight against a disease that is all consuming in the end. The hope that one day the understanding of the mutation of cells will be understood and stopped keeps me working and helping as much as possible, in any way that I can.

Magic

Come dance with me. Flowing effortlessly

Merlin

I look forward to seeing his little white nose everyday when I come home.
His soft grey fur as he pushes his face against mine.
The way he smells as I snuggle my face up against him.
This by far is going to be the hardest thing I think I have ever done.
My best friend, my companion will take his last trip to the vets on Monday night.
I will say goodbye and be thankful for all the things he has given me.
I love this little kitten and he loves me.
I just keep thinking, Why? Why my handsome kitten.
It makes me so very sad and leaves me feeling so very lonely.

Hmmmmmmmm

Things I have pondered today:
1.Why is it that people have such an issue about sex. Talking about it recently with a friend of mine I was confronted with an acquaintance that felt discussing fellatio was "perverted". I have to wonder, WHY? I feel that coitus, fellatio and cunnilingus is an incredible thing and that I would be very unhappy if I was unable to share that with my partner. I love the way he makes me feel the joining of two souls and bodies entwined. Sharing the most intimate parts of myself which are tucked away from the outside world most of the day. I want that with my partner and I have that with him. I am not ashamed nor embarrassed by having these wants and needs. I am aware of my body, what my body and mind desire and I have a partner that loves to indulge me. I am naughty and dirty, that's OK, I accept it.

2. New technologies and approaches to treating cancer. Not a topic most people like to talk about but over the next ten years I think great advances will be made in this area of research. I am lucky enough to work with two researchers that are extremely dedicated and creative in their approaches to treatment for two very aggressive cancers, lung and prostate. I am learning quite a bit and it keeps my mind actively involved and focused.

3. How much more stuff can I get rid of before I move. I certainly do not feel like packing and moving everything in 3 weeks. It s too much stuff. I need to organize and streamline. I need 8-10 more hours in the day just to get the everything done. Ohhh well.

4. My daughter is growing up too fast for me. 73 lbs., 57.5 inches. Maybe if I stop feeding her and watering her she will just stay 11 forever. Damn, that would not work. Ohh well, I guess I will just let nature takes it course and trip along behind. Sniffle sniffle.

5. I need a hobby. The love of my life keeps reminding me of this task but I keep stalling. I have thought of a few things this week that I would like to attempt. The new complex I am moving to has just built a gym/work out space which is perfect for dancing. I was recently asked by my friend Sarah if I would like to do some improv dancing with her. I think that might be quite enjoyable as I love to dance. I also want to tango with my partner, which I think would be very sexy and fun. Puuuuurrrrrrrr!!!!!!

6. One of my very good friends called today, it was good hearing from him as he is always very busy recently. I would like to make an effort to go see him play. September 8 he will be performing at the Ottobar I think I will need to make an appearance as I have not gone to hear him play in about 3-4 years. Ouch, I think that might make me a lousy friend. Ohh well life moves so quickly it seems.

Those are my ponderings for today. I am sure I will have many more as the night continues.

XXX

I am so in love with this man. Why this man you ask? This man sees me as no one else has ever before. His patience, understanding, and philosophy on how our partnership should and will be really turns me on. He is so very yummy in every aspect. I am so looking forward to walking along in the universe with this soul. He brings sunshine into the being that is me. Deep down, further than anyone else I have ever known. Even in the darkest of days that I have had he has stood by me. Whispering thoughts on his breath that carry me over and never lets me fall down. He compliments me in so many ways.




So you see this man makes my soul smile which is probably one of the most important things to me.Puuuurrrrrrrrr.

Mmh, yes,

Then I'd taken the kiss of seedcake back from his mouth
Going deep South, go down, mmh, yes,
Took six big wheels and rolled our bodies
Off of Howth Head and into the flesh, mmh, yes,

He said I was a flower of the mountain, yes,
But now I've powers o'er a woman's body, yes.

Stepping out of the page into the sensual world.
Stepping out...

To where the water and the earth caress
And the down of a peach says mmh, yes,
Do I look for those millionaires
Like a Machiavellian girl would
When I could wear a sunset? mmh, yes,

And how we'd wished to live in the sensual world
You don't need words--just one kiss, then another.

Stepping out of the page into the sensual world
Stepping out, off the page, into the sensual world.

And then our arrows of desire rewrite the speech, mmh, yes,
And then he whispered would I, mmh, yes,
Be safe, mmh, yes, from mountain flowers?
And at first with the charm around him, mmh, yes,
He loosened it so if it slipped between my breasts
He'd rescue it, mmh, yes,
And his spark took life in my hand and, mmh, yes,
I said, mmh, yes,
But not yet, mmh, yes,
Mmh, yes.

Kate Bush


XXX

Hmmmmmm

5 AM is much too early to rise and shine. I was not so shiny this morning before work. I am feeling quite a bit tired actually. Where is my sunshine when my tootsies need a good rubbing. Ooohhhh well. After a grueling week, yes even though I had most of last week off, I am quite tired.

Yesterday really wiped me out. After having my shrink stir up all kinds of therapuetic reasons why I should do hypnosis again I relented. Why???? Maybe because even though there are many horrible and awful memories tucked neatly into boxes in my brain, I have a feeling that there are also many wonderful memories as well. Well that settled we start again next week to reach into the deep dark unknown brain matter nestled safetly in my noggin. Should be ummmmm, fun!!!! Maybe???? or Maybe Not!

So after the day of dealing with cancer stuff, I decided to bid farewell to Dr. Van Echo. The Pfizer pimp, I mean rep., treated us to a wonderful seafood feast in a salute to Dr. Van Echo, who has been treating patients since 1971. Very sad because Dr. Van Echo, or little Davey as he is more commonly known, has always been a source of light and laughter around a pretty depressing enviroment. Oh well, he is getting an office with a better view, fewer hours and more pay. Not too bad of a deal.

Upon arriving at my abode I notice no lights. Uuuurrrrgggggggg. No air conditioning, no computer, no TV, get the point. It was hot!!!! Really hot. Really really hot. Did I say hot? LOL. Very hot, ooopsss said that already. What I want to know is how did people live before electricity? I do not think I could survive, I am so spoiled and did not really appreciate this until sweating my a** off while trying to fall asleep.

Well those are some of things I have been doing, not all but some. tee hee, this is fun!

XXX

Puuurrrr

The fields, the caves, the dens of memory cannot be counted; their fullness cannot be counted nor the kinds of things counted that fill them . . . I force my way amongst them, even as far as my power reaches, and nowhere find an end.
Augustine, Confessio

This is for you:

"But life is wakings-up, all unexpected, all surprising. On a certain November afternoon, twelve years ago, from a certain nap (why that day? Why that nap?) she awakened from sleeping from eyes-closed, blankets-up-to-chin, pillow-sleep Sophie awakened or had awakened, for good. As though someone (while she slept) had stolen them, her powers of sleeping and escaping into the small dreams within the large had gone away; and Sophie, startled and lost, had had to dream from then on that she was awake, and that the only world was around her, and to think what to do with it. It was only then, because her sleepless mind had to have an Interest, that (without any hard question, without any question at all) she had taken up the study of cards, beginning at the beginning humbly as Cloud's tutee."

Little Big, John Crowley

In many ways I feel a strong connection to Sophie, maybe I just need to focus on my Interest and it will allow my dreams to become the reality. To finally be fully awoken from that dream of being awake.

XXX