Do you feel that

Hmmm, do you feel that?
Yes, that. I do. You might not realize it but I feel.
Everything.
Even words spoken and unspoken words as well.
Sometimes maybe I feel too much, is that possible?
So, yes, I feel that.
and it makes me sad.

I feel like things kind of suck right now, and they do not suck in a good sucking kind of way either.

XXX

My week so far

Well we received word on the AP4 grant that we all worked so hard on and it was not good. The AP4 grant is an NIH/NCI grant worth about 6 million dollars, There were 15 PI's, 3 PhD's that work with cell lines, 2 biostaticians, i grants coordinator and myself that toiled on this project for approximately 6 months and non-stop the last 2 weeks. The grant would have been helpful in applying to our new cancer vaccine program and new drug in vitro programs. Oh well life goes on at the Cancer Center none the less.

Dr. Hussain, the sweet man that he is, decided this year to put in his promotion package to the University to be promoted to a full professor. What a painful process, I have been working on compiling the data from his teaching evaluations for his teaching brochure, updating his CV, pulling 5 manuscripts from the past year, and listing internal and external references. Whew, not only is that being worked on but he forgot to do his VA credentialing with medical staffing so that needed to be done so he could see his VA patients. There is the Letter of Intent that is due in to the NIH by Friday for a new study in the lab. All of this is including my other work, such as another protocol entry and preparation for the protocol to be submitted to the Central Review Committee and Institutional Review Board. Sending out record for disability claims, filing the 5000000000 pieces of mail, faxes, preparing two lectures, moving Dr. Frankel out of his office, and the list goes on and on forever and ever. I guess that is what is called job security.

On the home front the stringbean now is in week 3 of middle school, what an adjustment, three hours of homework every night. Urrrgggghhhhhh, is she 11 or 18. I am hoping she adjusts to the new environment soon, so far she has made many new friends but when you come from a class no larger than 12 to a class that has 30 that's a pretty big change. I am sure she will do fine but I worry about her abilities in dealing with stress at times.

Merlin and Puck are playing and having fun!

Time for the Pixie Princess to call Sunshine!

I am so very tired and sleepy. I think that it is time to put on some music and drift off.....

Puuurrrrrr

XXX

lalallove

Whenever I'm alone with
You you make me feel like I am home again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am whole again

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am young again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am fun again

However far away I will always love you
However long I stay I will always love you
Whatever words I say you know I will always love you
I will always love you

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am free again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am clean again

However far away I will always love you
However long I stay I will always love you
Whatever words I say you know I will always love you
I will always love you

The Cure

Hmmmmmm, why is it I feel this way ............
when others do not.

Sad, sad, sad. I want to live in this lifetime .......

Now, not later.

Things I that make me happy

1. Hayley-makes me the happiest mommy all the time even when she pisses me off. Tee hee
2. Christopher-makes me giggle and feel yummy most of the time. puuurrrrrrr
3. Merlin and Puck- cute, cuddly, lovable and very entertaining
4. Starr-My twin, so hard to believe I have known you for almost half my life. I love you and you bring me sanity and smiles. Not a bad combo!
5. My job. It is so much more than just a that though, hard and depressing at times but I learn something new every single day. I really like the people I work with as well. What is not to like about that.
6. Sitting on by back porch, typing on the computer with a cup Earl Grey with lemon out of my cup that Dr. Hussain gave to me from China. Yummy!
7. The weather is absolutely beautiful. Autumn is my favorite time of year!
It is funny how just taking a moment to reflect upon your existence brings up so many things. I am for the most part very happy right now. I just want everyone to know that I appreciate you and love you very much. Though I may not express it well all the time you are so important to me in so many ways. Thank you for being in my life and loving me, I truly appreciate it!

Puuuurrrrrrr

XXX

Busy, busy, busy

I have been so busy the past few days and when I am not busy, I have been tired or in pain. Feeling much better now though, thank goodness for I do not think I could withstand much more illness/infection/swollen face, ok you get the point. Today I have been thinking, I know so unusual for me, about love, life and where I would like to be when I am all grown up. I want to be looked at, in way that only a lover can look at you, but not for a year or two for a really long, long time. I want that little light shining every time I am gazed upon. I want, I want, jeez so selfish at times I suppose but all I am asking for is a little but of sunshine to make me fell yummtastic. That being said onto life, I want one, I have one, I really like being alive. Tee hee. One day I will not be alive. The End! I do not want to grow up if I can not have fun and most the grown ups I know are really worn out and tired worrying about things that in the End do not really matter.

All for now-

XXX

Sick

Somehow I have become very sick from the infection in my face. Apparently 2000mg a day of amoxicillian is not adequate to get read of the nasty little pathogens that my immune system can not beat up. My white blood cells count is rising, feeling shaky and tired most of the day and just pretty crappy in general. I would say I feel like I was run over by a bus but that is a lot worse so I guess I should not complain. I do not like being home all day, I do not like missing work even more considering I have a two protocols to work on, a chapter for a book that needs final proofing and editing, a powerpoint presentation that is due for a lecture next week and about six sets of pathology slides that need to be processed by Thursday. You see I do not have the time or energy to be sick. I did get to sleep with the kitties(both kittens as Merlin is still doing OK) all afternoon and help with three hours of homework the stringbean needed to have completed for school tomorrow. Three hours, I do not remember three hours of homework in 6th grade but I guess advanced academics require more than average. It still does not make it any easier knowing that this will be every single school night over the next 9 months, not including quarterly projects, exams and MSA's. Urrgghhhhh!

My week in review

First week of school is now completed. So far the strinbean has decided Latin is her favorite school subject. She has made two new girlfriends and exclaimed to me earlier in the week, "I really like my new school". Good news!!! Yeah!!!

Pain has been an issue that I have dealt with all week. Percocet did not even touch the pain in my face this week. It started on Tuesday and has subsided somewhat over the past 24 hours. I had about a total of 10 hours of sleep between Tuesday night and Friday night. One good thing about face pain is that it makes me realize back pain is a breeze to deal with. I also have issues with swelling and disfiguring of the face due to the fact that I felt like the elephant man for about a year after my accident. Now if I have any facial swelling I revert back to being very self conscious. The scars that now exist on my face just make me imperfect and I am perfect in my imperfection, so that is not an issue.

Friday night sleepover with 4 eleven years old on limited sleep during the week just makes for a surreal evening. Dressing the little kitten in Build A Bear clothing was the highlight on Sat. morning. The silly kitten, Puck, liked it I think. Stupid kitten, but we love him anyway.

Sick kitten, Merlin, makes me very anxious and I hope I am just being paranoid about his behaviour but I feel our time with Merlin is beginning to slip away. I knew the outcome from the diagnosis, letting go is so hard but I will not allow him to suffer.

Hurricane Katrina- This sucks and the media just seems so insincere and gets under my skin when providing coverage. This is nothing new though the news media in general lacks any depth and loves to sensationalise disaster.

President Bush is the best puppet I have ever seen, I mean can we say the man lacks most of the most important qualities that a leader from the "free world" should have. I dislike the way he speaks, handles any important crisis and in general I think he sucks. This is a problem with most politicians in my opinion.

People in general suck, why I expect people to behave in a compassionate and understanding way I will never know. Why I am surprised that people think they have to use vocabulary and words to make themselves feel superior I will never understand. I am no better than the homeless heroin addict down on Baltimore Street and I hope I have never made anyone feel like less of a person in my actions, words or deeds. I run on emotions, sometimes that is difficult for people to deal with, but that is one of the definitions of who I am. It allows me to care about people, life and the world is general but at times causes me much distress. Do I want to be even and lack this aspect of myself? NO WAY!!!!!

Little girl lost behind blue eyes
scared, she was to let go
Sad girl hidden behind red smiles
afraid of where she wanted to go
Little girl feeling blue, lost the
day
as she stumbled and tumbled, one shoe left behind
broken and bleeding on the sidewalk
Never thought in the end of
how to let go
Beautiful woman with tears in her eyes
appreciating every day that goes by
red smiles with joy, compassion and
nothing to hide

Puuurrrrrrrr

XXX

Made through

Well the stringbean made it through her first day of sixth grade with the ease and grace of a pro. I on the other hand was told that I could not hold her hand or walk her to her homeroom. Jeez, after 11 years I am told she is capable of doing this on her own. I think that it my decision when and how she can grow up after all I gave birth to her, well maybe she was hatched. Tee hee! Another thing I realized is how large all the kids are. Some of Hayley's classmates are larger than I am, I will admit that I am petite in stature but really when a sixth grader has a larger chest, what are these kids eating and drinking.

Well back to the Cancer Center tomorrow, not a day too soon either, anymore time off and I might have lost my mind.

New house is good and pretty much put in order.

Puuurrrr

XXX

Disappointed

It is hard dealing with disappointment at 34 but at 11 your world seems to crumble. Tonight my stringbean was faced with a disappointment that I am unable to fix. It makes me so sad when her expectations of people go out a window. She tries so hard and I think at times maybe she feels like it is something she has done that puts her in these situations. I try to console, comfort and turn the situation around but I guess she is becoming her own person with her own thoughts and conclusions. The best that I can do is give her lots of love and dry her tears. Sniffle, sniffle.

So tired

but it is so worth it

I like this. It makes me feel a tingle under my ribcage, into my throat. When art impacts me like this it makes me feel somewhat giddy. I can not smell this, taste this, hear this but I can see it and for something visual to move me there feels wonderful. I could stare at this all day and feel lost in the depth of it. This is how I feel when I dance, full of everything and nothing all at once. This is the moment that I slip away from the "real world" where at times I do not exist.

Puuurrrrrr

XXX

They who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night."
Edgar Allan Poe

I am a dreamer and lots of time I find part of my day is dreamed away. I do not mind as I feel this is a sign of a creative, imaginative mind.

As I sit here and daydream this is the topic of my daydreams today...
Thy mouth is like a band of scarlet on a tower of ivory. It is like a pomegranate cut in twain with a knife of ivory. The pomegranate flowers that blossom in the gardens of Tyre, and are redder than roses, are not so red. The red blasts of trumpets that herald the approach of kings, and make afraid the enemy, are not so red. Thy mouth is redder than the feet of those who tread the wine in the wine-press. It is redder than the feet of the doves who inhabit the temples and are fed by the priests. It is redder than the feet of him who cometh from a forest where he hath slain a lion, and seen gilded tigers. Thy mouth is like a branch of coral that fishers have found in the twilight of the sea, the coral that they keep for the kings! . . . It is like the vermilion that the Moahites find in the mines of Moab, the vermilion that the kings take from them. It is like the bow of the King of the Persians, that is painted with vermilion, and is tipped with coral. There is nothing in the world so red as thy mouth . . . . Suffer me to kiss thy mouth.
Oscar Wilde

Sweet mouth
full of kisses
so sensual

It turns me on and that is why I love to daydream during moments of my day!

Puuuurrrrrr

XXX

Some days

Some days seem so much harder than others to get out of bed. Especially when your Tuesday feels like your Monday. I took yesterday off so now on this cloudy, stormy day I arrive to an office that has much work. It is so funny that on Monday my work tripled because I was not here. My work is multiplying like tribbles. Ohhh now I have trouble with tribbles, I mean work, like getting any of it done. As I drink my 8th cup of coffee this afternoon, jeez wonder why my stomach hurts, I struggle to stay awake. The last few nights have not been full of sleep, the stringbean has some horrible cold/allergies problem this week. Hopefully it shall resolve itself soon. I also feel very anxious that I will arrive home to a very sick kitten one day and that my tiny little kitten will then also become home with the dreaded FIP (which sucks as far as disease for kittens go). I also find myself today feeling disappointed today as well, it just seems sometimes things that seem so important to me are not to others. I mean it is OK, I understand everyone has different priorities and such but everyone should think the stuff we are doing is much more important than things they have going on. Well maybe that is unrealistic, I will give a little, maybe they should just act like they give a f***. Ohhh, well such is life at times. I think I shall go wander down and talk to some people that should perk me up a bit. My office sometimes becomes very lonely as I dwell in it all alone. Ohhhh, here come those tribbles again.....

Letting Go

For twenty years I've sought the Other.
Now, letting go, I fly out of the pit.
What use oneness of mind and body?
These days I only sing la-la-la.

- Keso Shogaku, 15th C

Preparing to move, I feel I must heed the advice given and let go of certain things. As this is the first of 2 moves I will be making in a 12 month period I feel it is time to part company with some old things I have carried with me for years. It is hard though, I find that I have thoughts attached to objects. I am ready though to part with a decent amount of my possessions and to move forward. It is interesting to me that at this time I struggle to retreive my past only to let it go. I suppose that until I can release these memories I shall not acheive true harmony and happiness within myself. I strive to resolve conflict and enjoy balance in my existence.

Puuurrrrrrr

XXX

Ewwwwww

OK, I am all for research and development of new and interesting things but this just skeeves me out. Growing and consuming meat from the lab. http://www.liebertpub.com/publication.aspx?pub_id=56
Gross! Just in the research stage but can anyone say disgusting. Yuckety, yuck, yuck, yuck.

Morning

Well, I have survived the night of the sleepover, feed the girls and decided it is too oppressive to be outside at all this morning. We will go swimming later this afternoon so that should be fun. Now it is time to relax and drink coffee. Yummy, I love coffee. I have shut myself in my room away from little girls and decided to listen to some music. What is on the playlist this morning? The Sugarcubes, Bjork, Nirvana, Mates of States, System of a Down, Ministry and David Bowie. Been in the mood lately for lots of Bjork and The Sugarcubes, I do not know why but maybe it has to do with my dreams. Nostalgia I suppose. Merlin is doing well and has been asking for lots of attention and play. That is a very good sign. I suppose I really should be packing and such but I do not feel like it at all. My house is full of madness at this period of time. Boxes everywhere, no pictures or paintings on the wall, it drives me bonkers. It totally lacks any personality at this moment and that really gets under my skin. Grrrrrrr. Only 2 more weeks until we move though, thank goodness. Hmmmm, Birthday by the Sugarcubes is one of my all time favorite songs. I want to walk around with spiders in my pockets. It sounds like fun. tra lalalalalalaalalalala.

Puuurrrrrrrr

XXX

Lalalalalalalala

Mmmmm, while speaking to a friend of mine about how today I am the most horrible mother in the world, as I was unable to attend the string beans last day of camp talent show, I was invited to see Tori Amos from backstage at Pier Six Pavillion in Baltimore. My friend is doing sound so he is letting myself, the string bean and his girl all sit backstage and hang out. Should be fun. I will take pictures and post them after the 24th of August.

On other musical notes, The Violent Femmes are doing a free concert on August 27. I think that I shall also attend this as well. I love the Violent Femmes. Fun music!!

I still feel like the worlds worst Mommy though!

Grrrrrrrrr!

Friday

Thank good ness it is Friday. Though I wish maybe it was a bit later in the day. Work has been quite consuming as of late. Manuscripts, book chapters, cytology reports, 3 research protocols and learning how to interpret CT, MRI and bone scans for progression of disease. Fascinating but quite overwhelming at times.

Sleepover night tonight yeah. The string bean is having a friend over as it is her last day of summer camp. If I am lucky I will be able to sleep in until at least 6:30-7:00. Only 2 weeks until school. Yeah, we love school, sometimes. LOL.

I awoke this morning realizing that I have not been sleeping well. I try to sleep at least 6 hours a night hoping that this will make me feel well and rested. It has not been working, I must be sleeping but my dreams have been so tweaks lately. I believe that maybe the hypnosis have something to do with it. Memories maybe manifesting themselves when I completely relaxed. I do not like it, nope not one single bit. Thank the scientist who started making Valium, the FDA who has let it stay on the market and the crazy doctor who prescribes it for me. Anxiety has been a major issue this week. Could not have mentally been able to make it without my little helpers.

Ooopppssss. I should be working, should being a relative term there. I am not much in the mood to do anything but goof off today.

Puuuurrrrrr

XXX

Start

It starts....
With a whisper in my ear
a nudge at my neck
a warmth spreading through me
mmmm, there right there....

Shadows

Why is it that when your friends begin relationships with a person they seem to forget all about the people that have supported them when they were alone? I find it very funny and somewhat frustrating that when one of my friends has a new love interest and they completely disappear. I understand the passion that exists in the first few weeks/months/years but I also remember the constant phone calls and visits when things go wonky. The average length of most of my friends relationships seem to be 3 months to 2 years before the crap hits the fan. After careful evaluation last night, I can only think of one person that has lasted in a relationship longer than that and that person is quite miserable about it. I think because one becomes so consumed in a relationship maybe they lose the "I" in them and then become a "We". I do not think being a "We" is a bad thing but to lose the "I" in becoming "We" causes large problems. I would like to be a "We" on a full time basis but maintain my "I" as well. I want to be a separate entity, not defined as a couple. When I point this out to my friend(s) after the downfall and real life starts to crumble the expectations and fantasy they have built, they moan and carry on because after time the person they had created in their head was not the person they wanted. Why???? Because they never took the time to truly explore who the person was and what the other wanted. I give this much consideration due to the fact that I am attempting to make serious changes in my thoughts, reasoning and life goals. I do not want to be that person my friend has become. I want to be the person that is clearly defined, who understands what my partner wants and why he wants those things, while maintaining "I" to build upon being a complete "We".

Next thought for the morning, I have so much passion for the person who makes me smile on the inside that it scares the poo out of me. This soul impacts me very much and it would be so much easier at times to just say F**k it and walk away. I am trying to break that pattern of when being confronted with things that I fear that I do not create situations to remove them from my life. It is a pattern which needs to be changed. Fear is hard to deal with, acceptance of having these fears of hurt, disappointment and betrayal are hard to accept and let go as well. I realize to maintain a healthy relationship I need to let go and confront my fears. I just need to figure out an acceptable way of doing this.

I love to smile from the inside out. So many people do not do this and are miserable all the time. Why? I swear some people try to make you miserable just because their lives suck so much. I can not stand that. When confronted with a situation where someone tries to draw me into their misery you know because misery loves company) I just smile a little bit more, pulling it out from the deepest depths of myself. So take that!!!!!

Puurrrr

XXX